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Oh mama.
Everyone I know says it is so hard with a baby and a toddler or pre-schooler, and your situation sounds especially challenging with a high needs infant and special needs older child. I have only one child, but she has been very intense and needy, perhaps like your infant son. I was wondering if perhaps you have looked into any physical sources for his crying? My little one has reflux, and once we got it more under control, things have gotten better. I have also found that she benefits and calms from my wearing her as much as I am able (I have a bad back, so that can limit it somewhat). Babywearing might also free up your hands more for your 5 yo.

You are following your instincts by not allowing him to CIO, and you are right. You are a good mama for looking out for both of your children so much. Is there any way you can perhaps get more support in your home, from a family member or hire a mother's helper to come once in a while? A local AP support group (if you can find one) would also probably help you.

I wish I could help more, but I do feel for you, and hope some ladies here have some good ideas.
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