[Anne2008]

I've been posting in the dating thread but wanted to make a post here to get more advice.

So I met this guy a few years ago (just a friend of a friend), and we bumped into eachother 3 weeks ago and he asked for my number which I gave him. Since then we've been talking on the phone pretty much once a day or every other day for 20ish minutes, and we have met up twice. We would have met up 3 times by now but he has a lot of work commitments, and I was sick the second week.

This whole time I've felt quite uncomfortable with him, talking on the phone and when we met up. Im not sure why that is, either because this is really new to me as I haven't dated a man in 6 years, or because this guy is not right for me.

On both "dates" all we did was go for a 30 min walk with my dog (couldn't be any longer since he then had to go off to work), at the end of the first date we hugged and kissed eachother's cheek. Then yesterday on the second date, we hugged upon meeting eachother, he asked to hold my hand during the walk, and we walked with an arm around the other's back -I copied what he did basically

Anyway, today he phones me and I tell him im busy (I was getting dinner ready and asked him to phone me back at 8pm if he can) he said that was fine but then he said "OK I LOVE YOU.....BYE" And I was like "Ok bye" and then after I hung up I suddenly thought, wait...did he just say he loves me? And im positive that's what he said...

Isn't that weird? I think it is...we haven't even kissed yet (yesterday on the date I think he wanted to kiss me but I kept moving further away because I'm not ready for that), and he's already saying he loves me...what the heck?

I really don't know what to do now, I've been trying so hard to force myself to feel more okay with seeing someone and trying to feel comfortable in his company and holding his hand etc and now im thinking maybe I was right to feel this wasn't a good guy for me because he's been too intense? Would you agree?

FWIW -he's from Afghanistan, but he's been here several years now, so I don't know if that has any relevance to how he's acting with me, or how men treat women in his country, maybe they do things this quick or intensely? Or maybe I'm the weirdo for not being ready yet. After 2 dates it still feels too soon to want to kiss him, even though I am attracted to him and I like his personality.

Any thoughts?

 

[Chantelle691]

Yeah, that seems a little bit weird to me. At the end when you said he was Afghan I thought that perhaps there was something cultural in there - if he was raised there then perhaps the dating time that the two of you have had has been very intimate for him, kwim?

My first thought was that he forgot and said that because he was maybe in the habit of saying that to someone else as he was hanging up the phone? Parents, sibling, etc?

 

[SharonAnne]

Yeah, i was going to say the same thing. My dad once left a message for his boss on his voice mail and ended with "Okay, I'll talk to you later, love you!"

: He realized what he said as soon as he hung up, but it wasn't like he could call and take it back. In my dad's case, his boss had made sure everyone heard that Al R. "loves" him before my dad was back in teh office the next day

:

That being said; if you're uncomfortable with the guy for any reason...you're uncomfortable. Don't sell your instincts short.

 

[treefairie]

I would actually ask him what he meant when he said that he loved you.

We only live once and as single mamas, we don't have the time to waste! So just ask him the next time he calls in a non-confrontational way.

And if he did mean to say it, see if it was in a romantic way or in a family way. (though I'd be running fast....)

 

[Ione]

For me, the bottom line is not what he meant or anything having to do with him.

For me, it's simple. This whole thing makes you uncomfortable. (It doesn't matter why.) So, don't continue it. You are uncomfortable for some reason, and by your own account are trying to force yourself into something that makes you uncomfortable for some reason.

It doesn't matter how long you haven't dated, when YOU are ready to start dating again and meet someone worth doing so with, you won't feel uncomfortable to that point. Nervous, sure. Excited, yes. Unsure, probably. But NOT uncomfortable like you describe.

Your gut is waving some kind of red flag big and high. It may have nothing to do with him, though--and simply be your gut telling you that you aren't ready. Or, it could have everything to do with him being wrong (either bad news, or just wrong for you).

But it doesn't matter which. That uncomfortable for that long (every phone call, both meetings, the whole time) means "don't go down that path, back up, walk away". It's way more than "new to dating again" awkwardness.

Just my $0.02. Take or leave it, but don't forget the grain of salt.

 

[cjuniverse]

What Ione said, exactly.

Walk away now before it gets worse. Your instincts are always right. Trust them.

 

[lilyka]

It may be cultural. I have a friend who basically is the same way. He is Bosnian/German/been in the united states plenty of time to have picked up on these sorts of things. He even went so far as to ask why I didn't say it back. At that point I was ready to ask him if he wanted a list. We had only hung out once and he gave me a hug once. At least I have known him for a while though. but still strangely forward and way out of my comfort zone.

Maybe talk to him about it if you like him enough to want to continue the relationship. define things a little. It sounds like everything about this guy is making you uncomfortable. if you don't feel like continuing things I would just tell him you don't think things are working out.

all that said I have also said "I love you" to my boss, a telmarketer, and I am sure several other people.

at the end of a phone conversation it just sometimes slips out.

 

[Seie]

Anne I was wondering - if it IS a cultural thing, then he would be used to women not wanting to do pretty much anything at all - in Afghanistan that would be reserved for marriage only. So as said before - if he does love you as he sais, it would only be "normal" for him to have to wait..

For the awkward silly autopilot-things to do then I once grabbed a complete strangers thigh at a new years party. Was sitting next to him so it was under the table - I was so used to doing it to my then boyfriend that it was just automatic. Call that embarressing! I think I went all red and said something like "I'm so sorry - ehh didnt mean to do that - really I didnt"

 

[Still_Snarky]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ione For me, it's simple. This whole thing makes you uncomfortable. (It doesn't matter why.) So, don't continue it. You are uncomfortable for some reason, and by your own account are trying to force yourself into something that makes you uncomfortable for some reason.

: if you're uncomfortable, you're uncomfortable.

no harm, no foul. i'd be more aware of this than the 'i love you' thing. i guess it doesn't really matter the why behind any of it in a way but you should listen to yourself!

 

[soso-lynn]

I agree with the person who said you should just ask him about it. Maybe it slipped out, maybe he is completely socially awkward, maybe he was really nervous, maybe he's a total creep. The only way to find out (and also the only way to have a foundation for a decent relationship) is to be able to bring up whatever is on your mind.

As for it being a cultural thing, I would think it is more an American cultural thing. Most people in the world do not casually say things like that, but in American pop culture, love is pretty loosely defined. The thought of saying 'I love you' systematically at the end of a conversation, even with someone I actually love is really weird to me. Perhaps he just thinks that it is what is expected of him when dating an American girl.

So, my advice is calle him up, tell him the whole I love you thing was slightly creepy and tell him what you think of him, how you are hoping things will progress and so on. Better to be direct now and either be completely reassured or know that he is not for you than to be polite now and end up with a crazy stalker or something.