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For the last couple of weeks, I've felt sad, and when I sat and thought about me feeling that way, I really could feel tears welling up. Last week was a hard week for us, just pretty chaotic in general. Well, tonight, something hit me like a ton of bricks. Not just sadness, but a feeling of depression, hopelessness, frustration, stress, pain, etc. I've been rather withdrawn these last couple of weeks. I haven't wanted to be around too many people. But, last night I did go out for a moms night out, and while it was fun, it doesn't seem like it helped at all. I tell my husband that I really think there's something wrong, but I get the feeling he doesn't want to talk about it. He never dives further into a discussion to help me emotionally, he's just not a big conversationalist.<br><br>
I've just become this person who is so miserable, and I feel mean spirited and wish bad things on people and I don't know why. It's horrible, because I really don't want bad things to happen to people, but sometimes I think I do. I question everything I do, am I spending enough time with my kids, why didn't I clean more during the day, I'm not disciplining my toddler the way she should be or the way I want her to be, and blah blah blah.<br><br>
I really don't want to take drugs for this. I've had a history of depression in the past but it's been 4 years since I've taken anything...I was always under the impression that my depression in the past was a result of me taking the BCP, once I stopped taking it, I never had anymore depression.<br><br>
I don't have friends locally that I really feel comfortable talking to about this. I guess I just really perceive this as a horrible burden that I brought on myself some how. I don't want people to realize that I just feel miserable, when I should be so grateful, but I've just pretty much gotten to the point where I just want to give up.<br><br>
I've been struggling with my faith for over the last year. Since we moved from a great church, I've just not felt the same way here in our new church.<br><br>
I really don't know what else to say other than I'm really kind of at the end of my rope. How can I go about changing my feelings without having to take meds for it?<br><br>
Kaylee
 

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Have you tried therapy? Perhaps taking to someone would help. There are also things such as flax seed oil, B vitamins, exersize that help with depression. If you look around the forum a bit, you will find lots of suggestions in old threads.<br><br>
In my situation, I ended up on meds. I went undiagnosed for so long because my depression didn't manifest as "depression" or "sadness" as they typically tell new mothers to look for. I had severe anxiety and began having panic attacks. I finally ended up in the hospital. It's a long, painful story, but two years later, I am actually thankful for the whole experience.<br><br>
If you can get better on your own, great. However, some women just won't be able to shake it on their own. Meds are not evil. They correct a chemical imbalance occuring with the neurotransmitters and seretonin in your brain. I fully understand wanting to do it yourself. When I first started on Lexapro, I was so frustrated and angry that I had to take a drug to make me feel like myself. I thought it was a life sentence and that my life would never be the same again. Nine months later I went off my meds, got pregnant, gave birth and now have a beautiful three month old. I'm still med free and doing well.<br><br>
If you find that this isn't something that you can get over by yourself, please get some help and consider meds. No one deserves to feel the way you do now. Trust me, I've been there. A healthy family needs a healthy mom. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
BTW, I had the same problem when I was on birth control. There was only one type that we found that didn't make me a total B*tch and miserable. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll">
 

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Kaylee, I could've written that post. For my part, I am on meds, but they don't seem to be helping much. This past week has been horrible. Adam has been diagnosd with severe reflux, so the crying almost never stops for any reasonable length of time<br>
while he's awake anyway. We can't put him down for any length of time, either... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you. Just letting you know that I'm right there with you in the trenches<br>
AAAnnnd our babes are the exact same age... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I second the therapy approach. You really have to get lucky to find friends or family who'll understand depression and be supportive and not judgmental. A good therapist is worth their weight in gold, if only for the fact that they HEAR you but do not judge you -- something we moms could use a heck of a lot more of.<br><br>
Have you done a self-assessment to see if you are experiencing depression? There is a good test online at: <a href="http://www.pndsa.co.za/ms-fc.htm" target="_blank">http://www.pndsa.co.za/ms-fc.htm</a><br><br>
Another good site I've found is <a href="http://www.babybluesconnection.org" target="_blank">www.babybluesconnection.org</a>. If you click on "Reading" on the left-hand side of the page, there is a great list of books on PPD and depression in general.<br><br>
I understand your feelings of hopelessness and being miserable. I have been there. I am still there on occasion. It is really hard, and I feel like PPD is the "secret" affliction that nobody wants to talk about. According to the media and popular myth, as a mom you're supposed to be radiant and thankful and enjoying every minute. Yet, I don't know a single HONEST mother who would describe motherhood that way! That's why I tell you in all honesty that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You may feel that way, but there are a lot of people even without ANY depression who don't feel all peachy-keen about how damned hard motherhood is.<br><br>
Please let us know how you are doing.<br><br>
{{{Hugs}}}<br>
Carol
 
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