[dillonandmarasmom]

see last post

 

[A&A]

Quote:

Originally Posted by dillonandmarasmom He has been losing weight, exercising, loves his new job and has been generally happy.

Uh oh. Red flags here, when put together with what he said to you. Sounds like he has found another woman. I'm so sorry!!! Be strong! You can get through this!

Remember........if you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, it's yours, but if it doesn't, it never was.

 

[Phoenix_Rising]

hugs, mama! i have been there before and it is not fun. it was before we got pregnant, and i can't imagine going through it with a little one. in my case we ended up getting back together and we are a stronger couple for having gone through that. hugs to you; it will get better even though it is hard to get through at the time.

 

[my4magpies]

have you tried counseling?

 

[Tanibani]

Don't despair yet... how about counseling? Do you think he'd be willing to go?

I talked to my therapist yesterday (don't get me started on how * I * was feeling about my DH) and she thinks counseling would help us a lot. I'm grateful to hear it.

 

[dillonandmarasmom]

deleted

 

[Pandora114]

*hugs*

On a lighter note, when I read the topic title the lyrics to Queen's "I want to break free" popped into my head for some reason

>.>

 

[DesireeH]

Mama, I am so sorry.

Is he willing to do marriage counseling? Will he elaborate on what he means?

 

[lilyka]

My first response was "well sorry, your stuck with me. being free is not an option". have you tried insisting on counceling before a divorce? its worth a shot. he at least owes you more of an explination than "I just don't feel like it any more

:" he is not just ending your marriage. he is most likely cutting your time with your children. (sorry I know it sucks to contemplate that his selfishness could cause that) you have every right to stand up and make demands before he just waltzes out.

and my first thought was affair.

Quote:

He has been losing weight, exercising, loves his new job and has been generally happy.

thants a huge red flag for an affair.

 

[Clarinet]

I'd hesitate to pin the cheater label on him just yet. I think it's perfectly natural for someone who is stressed out and looking at all his carefree buddies to imagine what it would be like without responsibilities. I also think telling your spouse you feel this way is a little tactless, but perhaps he feels you have this kind of open relationship.

Regardless, you mentioned you feel like friends, which indicates a lack of romance. Here's my suggestion - let him go out for a weekend with his buddies. No kids, no responsibilties, just pure manly fun. Then, a couple weeks later, the two of you make a romantic night or weekend if you can get away for that long. Show him he can have it both ways, still be "free" but keep the family intact. I'm all for working things out until there's nothing left to try.

 

[dillonandmarasmom]

deleted

 

[melissel]

Oh mama, I'm so glad. And I don't necessarily think he's cheating either, sometimes people just hit a spot in life where they're unhappy and start successfully making changes (losing weight, new job etc.) I think those CAN be red flags, but aren't always. However, I would take this as an opportunity to really start talking to him about what he's feeling. Maybe it can be a fresh start of sorts for the two of you. Marriages can use a rejuvenation too, you know? Like a PP said, try giving each other time off, as well as spending quality time together. I know that even a couple of hours spent driving around in the car while the kids go to sleep and we look at our dream houses and talk about anything and everything can make me feel a million miles closer to DH, even when I didn't realize I was feeling far away in the first place.

to you!

 

[claras_mom]

Okay, that's really positive. So now, think of other positive steps to take. Some ideas:

A little couples therapy, to try to get at the issues that led to this. If I were you, I'd still be reeling.

:

A little romance. Find a sitter and do a date night once a week or once every two weeks. As a pp said, anything to connect as a couple again.

Writing this made me think of a book I haven't read in awhile, but might revisit--you might enjoy it. There were a lot of good insights in it.

The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts by Judith S. Wallerstein and Sandra Blakeslee.

 

[Tanibani]

I wouldn't pin him as a cheater yet either.

I am trying to improve myself/my home at the moment... I have always dreamed of pumping iron to feel the strength of my own body... so I do want to improve my bod, but NOT to catch another man! I love my family.

And... getting into ruts, losing romance, ESPECIALLY while raising small children is common. Same here... my house is a clutter zone (causing DH to be

: sad about it) so I'm on an "improvement" mission... improve everything... the house, me... yada, yada... I'm going to be the happiest, best person I can be, and I hope that my buzz will inspire him too. I can't see how it can't.

A lot of the threads on MDC I read about DH's... being unemployed or just at home and depressed, driving the mom nuts. At least your husband isn't like that... I hope he can see the bright side of life and work towards making your lives better.

and if you are feeling low... do something for yourself to get yourself out of it. If you are feeling great, then that makes you more attractive. What were you like before you got married and had children? What made you attractive to him? What made you happy? Have you done those things lately? Why not? Can you fit time to do stuff that brightens you up?

 

[Clarinet]

I'm glad he apologized.

 

[Mary-Beth]

There is a place called The Option Institute that has a great couple course (weekend or week) or you could just start with reading their articles and such.
www.option.org

Some people we know well (not us) were very close to separating and they went for this Couples Course I just mentioned nad it has made a hige difference. They learned how to communicate so much better....

Take this experience as a cue to really focus on your relationship and rebond as a couple...start going out on some dates. Not that a night out will always fix everything but it goes a long way to giving you guys a special bond outside of just the role of Mom & Dad.

Wishing you the best! Hope you grow closer from this!

 

[dillonandmarasmom]

deleted

 

[mandib50]

i wouldn't necessarily pin him as a cheater but i see red flags too. maybe it's just cuz it sounds very familiar to my first marriage.
if he is having those feelings they likely haven't gone away overnite so it is something i would keep talking about with him and also consider counselling.
you are in a good place because this is something you can address now before it is too late.
good luck to you

 

[Zaxmama]

This is really hard for me to say but... I was your husband 2 years ago. we had a fight and i say it as my chance to escape and I just said ..you know what see ya! and I took my baby boy and up and got on a plane and moved across country back to my hometown. My reasoning was this.. please don't flame me. I felt like we were strangers or just roomates raising a child.. it seemed like all we did was fight... I forgot about all the good things and started focusing on the bad things..I forgot who I was because I was a SAHM and I felt useless (I am NOT saying SAHMs are useless I am one right now and plan on it for a while but some people need a job to identify themselves) I felt like i was going through the motions... our sex life was null and void. I thought I couldn't live like that for the rest of my life and that I was drowning in boredom and ordinary.. I too was exercising and eating right and feeling pretty good about myself.. but I wanted more.... so I left.(FTR there was not another man either) that feeling lasted about 2-3 months.. and then I started forgetting the bad things and remembering the good things...and he flew up to see his son and it pulled on my heartstrings.. and then he told me he was moving back also to be near his son...and me. that even if I wasn't his wife I was his best friend and he wanted to be near us no matter what.. anyhow long story short...I realized what I walked away from and invited him back into my life...and now 2 years later... we are doing great and going strong and expecting another baby. some people called us crazy...but we have never been what you would call conventional...sometimes you don't realize what you have until its gone...maybe your husband took some time to think about his life without you and the kids and the freedom was tempting but them emptiness was heartbreaking.I just wish that I had realized overnight..but I was too busy being selfish..I hope you give your DH the benefit of the doubt and maybe he was just having an off moment but that doesnt mean you should avoid the topic.we found that discussing it helped alot to mend my DH's broken heart..I know I hurt him and for that I cannot be sorry enough...your DH should know how painful that was for you because he did that and he needs to own it. GOod Luck Mama..I wish you and your family all the very best..

 

[DesireeH]

Quote:

He has been losing weight, exercising, loves his new job and has been generally happy.

I dont necessarily think that sends up red flags either. I just lost a bunch of weight, have been exercising, and am happier because I am proud that I finally stuck to something and got to my goal but it has nothing to do with cheating or anyone else.

I'm glad he apologized, mama. I hope things start getting better!