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Discussion Starter #1
I really wish I could change my user name so that ya'll wouldn't know who I am but oh well...<br><br>
Here is goes. My X (DS's father) left us for some other woman... and I've lost it... I drink too much (like after DS is asleep I get a sitter and go out until 1 or 2 and drink) so far I haven't messed up and I always get up with DS in the morning... but I've slept with two different men in the past month (protected of course) but thats not who I am... Its like I'm searching for something... to fill this weird emptiness that STBX left, KWIM?<br><br>
I just, I can feel it in my body and my heart feels heavy... and I just feel like I'm a total failure as a mother... mothers don't drink like this, mothers don't sleep around... I don't know... I guess I just wanted to get it out, KWIM?<br><br>
But I know I'm not going to stop on my own...<br><br>
I need some ideas on what to do to better myself. I enjoy that I've gotten up the courage to go out by myself... but there has to be something to life besides drinking myself into oblivion rihgt?????<br><br>
Sorry for the rant...
 

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Oh Mama...it sounds like you're in a lot of pain. I do not pretend to know what you are going through, but I DO know you are not alone. Just because you have the title of "mom," doesn't make you super-human. It makes you normal. You're trying your best to cope with a difficult and painful situation.<br><br>
I would be concerned about how you are getting around during these outings. Driving could kill you and someone else.<br><br>
Otherwise, you said yourself you are not likely to stop this behavior on your own. Which means counseling might be very beneficial for you. I learned so much during my journey through unbearable grief and guilt. I learned ways to cope with life (and people) other than alcohol and drugs. Would that be an option for you?<br><br><br>
Just know you are not alone. You are already showing strength and courage to reach out in some way.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>devster4fun</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7897283"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Oh Mama...it sounds like you're in a lot of pain. I do not pretend to know what you are going through, but I DO know you are not alone. Just because you have the title of "mom," doesn't make you super-human. It makes you normal. You're trying your best to cope with a difficult and painful situation.<br><br>
I would be concerned about how you are getting around during these outings. Driving could kill you and someone else.<br><br>
Otherwise, you said yourself you are not likely to stop this behavior on your own. Which means counseling might be very beneficial for you. I learned so much during my journey through unbearable grief and guilt. I learned ways to cope with life (and people) other than alcohol and drugs. Would that be an option for you?<br><br><br>
Just know you are not alone. You are already showing strength and courage to reach out in some way.</div>
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oh no, I am smart enough now I get a cab there and I get a cab back... or a friend (not that I have many) drives me home. I would never ever drive drunk. Ever.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>muckemom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7896597"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">mothers don't drink like this, mothers don't sleep around...<br></div>
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You are a mother, but you are human, too. Infidelity has got to be one of the most hurtful things in the world. Go easy on yourself. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Find a new hobby, something that makes you feel good about who you are and your own beauty. I have felt sooo much better in my own personal realm since I started Tribal Bellydancing. It is so therapeutic.<br><br>
Mother yourself a little bit. You need the extra love right now.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Darnit... I made a promise to myself a few weeks ago that I wasn't going to lie to anyone else or to myself... and even though I don't know any of you IRL...<br><br>
Its not so much the drinking that scares me... I don't blackout, but the reason that I'm drinking is so that I can get just drunk enough to sleep with whoever with have me..<br><br>
Yeah... god that makes me sound like a ho, but if you saw this woman that STBX left me for... she's got such a cute little body and while I am much prettier than her, my size 6 butt looks massive next to her 00...<br><br>
And yes, I lied when I said that all the "relations" have been protected... one of them wasn't. And I felt so stupid... grrrrrr....<br><br>
I've got to be smarter and I've got to realize that I'm worth MORE than this... I just can't see the bright side anymore... I just want some sort of affection, but I fear the only thing I'm gonna end up with is an INfection... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Sorry for lying in my first post. I just, its hard to say it, because I AM smarter than this....
 

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I don't have much time to post, and will come back when I do <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> But I want you to know that you are not a bad mother or bad person for drinking and having sex. Those are not "bad" things at all, even though some people view them as so. What is important is what *you* think and feel, not anyone else.<br><br>
If you are not happy with your current behavior, that's one thing. If you are okay with it, and are doing what you need to to do get through this tough time in your life and are only feeling guilty because that's how you think you *should* feel, then work on losing the guilt. I hope that makes sense.<br><br>
In your OP I see a lot of "shoulds", which tells me that you are basing your self worth on what others think is okay. "Mothers don't drink", "Mothers don't sleep around"....says who? Obviously, many women who are mothers do these things, so who is to say that it is not done or wrong?! You can sleep around and still be a good mom, you can drink and still be a good mom...these things are not tied together.<br><br>
HTH
 

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Big hugs to you.<br><br>
When my ex husband left, it really shook my world. But, it was my self-esteem that took the most beating.<br><br>
It sounds like you are going out to self-medicate. You are drinking so you can lower your standards and sleep with anyone. You are sleeping around because you are hoping to feel more desireable, more sexy, more beautiful. It might feel okay in the moment....but deep down, and definitely the next day when you are sober, you actually feel worse about yourself, less desireable, less sexy and less beautiful.<br><br>
The key to my being able to get through the divorce, the rejection, the hurt, and the loneliness & pain was to get through it. Some nights were completely horrible. I did a lot of journalling, a lot of personal growth, I read a lot of self-help books, and I might add that counseling could really help you deal with this.<br><br>
The first thing you can do is stop beating yourself up. Write down a few things that you do well. You may be surprised at what you write, but I know you are a good person. You're just hurting and looking for a way to stop the pain.<br><br>
He didn't cheat because of you. <b>He cheated because he was unable to see the good in himself, because he was not feeling good about himself and he was running away or looking for a way to get out.</b><br><br>
You are beautiful and desireable and sexy and many other wonderful and loving qualities. The problem is you ahve buried all that beneath a belief that says otherwise and are looking for a 'quick-fix' in alcohol and men. It isn't there. But, looking within and doing some work on yourself will help....a ton.
 

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Moms do drink (too much sometimes) and Moms do sleep around. It does not make you a bad Mom or even a bad person. They both can be destructive behaviors and you have realized that. The hardest step is to admit that something you are doing is a problem. You probably are not an alcoholic, so admitting that the amount of drinking you are doing is making you unhappy is the first step. Sleeping around is more than likely due to low self esteem.<br><br>
After my divorce I did these things too, and I wanted the divorce, not him. Thankfully I realized and admitted the I wasn't happy with excessive drinking or sleeping around before I screwed up my life, which would have then screwed up my child's life.<br><br>
The first thing to do is work on your self esteem. It's hard and I still fight with it sometimes daily, but it's getting better and easier all of the time.<br><br>
I'm not sure how to help your self esteem get higher, I only figured out what works for me. And that is basically that I can accomplish anything I decide to do, even if I have to hire or ask someone to do it (I am SO not mechanically inclined), but, I accomplished the final result.<br><br>
Hugs and if you want to PM me, go right ahead,<br><br>
Laura
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
As an ex-bartender, I can tell you your behavior is extremely common. Therapy for sure, don't let this one guy ruin your life. Your self esteem took a beating and now you get drunk and 'prove' to yourself how undesirable you are. Find the right counselor and don't waste yourself on one nighters. Meeting a guy at a bar is going to bring problems worse than the ones caused by your ex. No judgment here, we've all got a past.<br><br>
Kudos for being responsible enough to not drive drunk. You're in pain, and you need someone to talk to. The advice about a hobby is good too. When you take care of yourself it will all fall into place for you.<br><br>
Have you considered belly dancing? Not only will the exercise be good, all those endorphins, it's <i>sexy,</i> which will help in all the other areas.<br><br>
good luck, there's lots of support here for you.
 

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I admire your honesty and bravery for putting everything out there.<br>
I don't know what to say, but in my twenties I did pretty much the same. I slept with a lot of guys, and had to get drunk to do it. And I mean a lot. I just craved the attention and at the time it seemed it was the only way to feel loved, even though I know those guys were just using me and I was using them.<br>
I don't have any advice for you but I just wanted to tell you your post touched me and I wanted to let you know you are not bad, just hurting. I hope you can find different ways to help heal because we both know what's going on now won't help.
 
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