[theelfqueen]

Seriously, I can't take this stress any more. I can't stand alone with no support and have th pregnancy or birth I want... SO... if I'm going to be miserable either way. I guess everyone else should be happy and I should just see the OB who makes me miserable, and deliver in the hospital that makes me sick just thinking about it and suck it up... I can't do this without my DH's support and he just isn't there. I've tried everything I know to help him recognize this is the right decision, and that it's important and nothing sems to be making any progress. He made me call his mother and address this with her and she made me more miserable. I stood my ground and told her I didn't agree with her assessment (she's a former NICU nurse and a trained L&D nurse so... of course anything short of continuous EFM is just idiotic ~~rolls eyes through the tears~~) and I know she's going to continue to undermine me with my DH and...

I can't even think about the baby at this point. I am so stressed about this whole situation that I can't sleep at night, the stress is causing me a lot of symptomatic troubles that make me even more miserable all the way around and I just can't take it.

I really don't know what else to do or why I'm posting or what to say.... I just had to get this out.

 

[littlecityfarmer]

I'm sorry your husband and MIL are being so unsupportive of your birth plan... don't worry about pleasing other people, especially your OB! you and your baby are the most important people your plans for birthing, so trust your instincts!

are there any midwife-run birth-centers in your area? a place to experience birth without the harsh clinical atmosphere of a hospital, but with the expertice and supplies to assist in the event of "complications"? barring that, are you able to find a doula or just a knowledgable, supportive friend to advocate for you through the birth process? (there's a doula/MW board somewhere on MDC you could check for resources...)

good luck, mamma!

 

[Thmom]

first talk to your dh about supporting you. Not necessarily agreeing with you but his mother and her opinion/feelings should come second to you. You're thoughts and feelings should be his priority not hers.

Then I would flat out tell him, "I've done the research, this is my body that has to be subject to poking and proding. I would love your input and help but if you refuse to discuss it and look logically at the facts then I am utilizing my veto power and making the final decision. I will be having the baby with midwife X at ________ and so and so will be my support person. I really want you to be there, but I do not want the negative attitude there."

I'm usually one for discussion and compromise. But it sounds like you've already tried discussion and it's not getting anywhere and IMO this is one area where you're compromise should be minimal.

I would start planning on having this baby w/o your dh. Set up a support person etc being sure to keep your dh informed and always giving him the opportunity to get involved.

I hope you get the birth you deserve!

 

[loved]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Pregnancy is a joyous time, but it also can be a time of self-discovery and sometimes, difficulty.

I think that your dp is refusing to listen to you, refusing to do the research, insisting that you deal with his mother, are red flags. And maybe marriage counselling is in order.
If it is in your heart to birth this baby at home and you do not because you are trying to please him or others, chances are very, very good you will regret it and resent him later for it (or worse, beat yourself down).

This foundation does not bode well for parenting.

Giving birth is about so much more than bringing a baby out of your body.

 

[theelfqueen]

I'm just so far beyond frustrated at this point. My other two were both born in the hospital and I dread going back to it but... it's DH's child, too and he DOES get a vote, although not a weighted one

and at least I know what battles I'm going to have to fight in a hospital.

 

[alegna]

You've gotten some good advice. I'd stick to my guns. If you've decided YOU would be better off with a homebirth. DO IT. If something happens in the hospitial, you'll harbor alot of resentment.

I am SO GLAD that I had a homebirth. If I had been in the hospital it would have been a very managed delivery at best, most likely would've ended in a section. Explain to your husband how important this is to you. What are his concerns? If you think a male's perspective who's been there and done that would help, PM me, my DH will never consider a hospital birth after our homebirth.

-Angela

 

[Maprilynne]

Do you have the option of a birthcenter? It really is a better option than a hospital but tends to make others feel more comfortasble with your "weird" choice.

It is worth it not to go to a hospital, especially if you feel uncomfortable there. If you do give in and go, I think Loved haad a really really good point. I REALLY think you will resent your husband for forcing you into that choice. In fact, if your discomfort in the hospital leads yu to a c-sec I think you will have major problems with very long-term negative feeling towards him. At this point (andmaybe he will understand this???) it is not just about the baby and your body, but how you will feel about HIM when you are done. Also, you could try finding a good midwife to assist you in the hospital. i think a birth center would be better, but at least get a midwife who will support you. Compromise is a very imprtant part of marriage, but it seems to me that he is not bending at all. I personally liked Thmom's idea that you tell him he has not been supportive and so you are now telling him what is going to happen since asking him has done no good. It sounds drastic, but maybe taking such a big step will make him understand how strongly you feel about it.

I'm so sorry this is so stressful to you.
Aprilynne

 

[Arwyn]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thmom I would start planning on having this baby w/o your dh. Set up a support person etc being sure to keep your dh informed and always giving him the opportunity to get involved.

I hate to say it (I'm usually VERY in favor of full partnership between parents-to-be), but I think Thmom is right. There are times, and I think you're describing one, when having your partner at your birth isn't the right course of action. You may want to look into getting a doula who is willing to participate without your husband's consent (don't let price stop you - many doulas are willing to bend their cost based on need. ask around!), would drive you to your birthing center, etc. If you do decide to go that route, though, it is ESSENTIAL that you be never less than 100% diplomatic with your family. That means you need to know that what you're doing is right (which I believe it is!), and that you're ok with their disagreement (maybe not happy, but ok; that is, you don't need their approval). It's not an easy road, and never one I would advise choosing lightly, but neither is going into the hospital when you're not comfortable with that choice.

A note about home/birthing center: you don't have the right to kick your husband out of your (joint) home. Therefore, if you are going the route of birthing without him, it may be best to find a birthing center (or a friend's/relative's house) you are comfortable birthing in - because his disapproving presence is /not/ going to be conducive to an easy labor! Also, you must be absolutely clear with everyone on your birthing team (your midwife/wives, your doula, the birth center, etc) what the situation is with your husband. 1) Because they have the right to informed consent just as much as you do and 2) so they can best support and protect your birth (otherwise, most birth centers would happily let in a laboring woman's husband - and that may not be the right move for you).

Again, this is a really serious decision, and shouldn't be made lightly, but you also should NEVER be coerced into birthing in a place you feel is wrong. Allowing that to happen to make other people happy is a disservice to yourself, to your baby, and, whether they know it or not, to them. This is YOUR birth, and whatever you decide, YOU need to be comfortable with the decision you made and the reasons for that decision - or it will come back to haunt you.

And, of course, this may be a good opportunity to explore underlying issues in your partnership (such as, why doesn't he trust you to know what's best for your own body and child?). But that only works if both of you are open to it. Still, if he isn't, try therapy/counselling/support groups on your own to find the strength to make the decision that's right for you, whatever that may be.

 

[rainbowmoon]

i am so sorry your family is giving you so much crap

I hope you and your DH can come to some sort of compromise at the very least.

don't give up, follow your intuition.

 

[JanetF]

What a horrible position to be in while you're trying to grow a baby! And what's the deal with his mum??? Like everyone else said, you're the one who has the push this baby out so you get to make the decision about where it happens. If you wanted to go to hospital and he wanted a HB it would be the same. You have to birth in the right place for you. If things are hard now, a poor birth experience in a hospital because you didn't want to go there would be very very hard on your relationship. A friend of mine had a 2nd unwanted and unnecessary c-sec because although her husband had told her he would support her in saying no to the doctors, he didn't. He sided with the hospital and she was forced into it. Their marriage is in significant trouble.
Most men I know of who have attended the home births of their children become converts too since they're so much more a part of the action than in a hospital where everyone else is more important than them - and more important than the birthing mum too!
I hope you feel you're getting some support from all of us. You are in charge of your body and you get to make the decisions. Is there a HB support group near you in IRL?
Hugs and lots of support,
J

 

[Electra375]

My dh and mother were not on board for my hb at first, mother has yet to be convinced. Fortunately, I just didn't tell my mother until it was over she lives overseas.

As for my dh, I knew he wasn't for it at the start. So, I decided that if I had to I would hire a doula for support. A friend offered to be my doula, so I was set. I knew I would have support if my dh didn't come around.

In attendence were 2 mws, my doula, and my dh. I didn't want him around until the pushing time came.

I hope that you can have the birth you desire. You could go see the OB to appease your dh and mil and then just not mention you are in labor when you go into labor. I'd labor at home for as long as humanly possible which is the whole thing

 

[theelfqueen]

LOL Electra -- considering my last labor was less than 2 hours -- even planning a hospital birth wouldn't make one happen :LOL

Overall - I am much happier today. I talked to DH last night, he said "I'm never going to be completely comfortable with this but... it's important enough to you that we're going do it -- pay the balance of the midwife's fee tomorrow" The $$s commitment is a big one for him so hopefully that means I was just having a pregnant lady meltdown.

 

[Electra375]

Glad to hear the committment of $$ from your dh.
Sounds like you don't need to give up the hb now!

 

[JanetF]

Hooray!!! Sending more good birthing vibes your way!
J

 

[Breathless Wonder]

I hope you have an uncomplicated, beautiful, joyous birth!

 

[Maprilynne]

Congrats! I hope you gave him a huge hug and kiss!!!! After having a homebirth I bet he'll nevr go back!!

Hope everything goes just as you have dreamed!
Aprilynne

 

[rainbowmoon]

wonderful news!

I hope you have a wonderful birth!

 

[fireflies~for~me]

Aaaww-I hope it works out for you...sounds like may be happening for you after all...

MIL must be really super duper old school-our midwife - a CNM was a L and D nurse and prior to that a NICU Supervisor and she left hospital care for the very reasons you don't want to go!!!

Blessings, Mama!