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Discussion Starter #1
Sheesh, I don't even know where to start on this, but I'm tired of living this way. And I think having his best friend move in with us was a mistake.<br><br>
So my DP and I got a house together in February. One of the agreements of living together (and keeping this baby that he wanted so badly) was that he <b>had</b> to have a job by the time I got my tax return. We discussed this in November when we found out I was pregnant. February comes and goes, we're now almost in May and he still doesn't have a job or any prospects.<br><br>
I have not been able to quit smoking (and I feel guilty as hell over it) because he will not let me stop buying him cigarettes. If I say no he will just go do it anyway. And since they're in the house, it's been a nightmare trying to quit myself. None of the rules we agreed on for living together are kept. He smokes in the house, doesn't have a job, and stays up until 5-6-7 am almost every night.<br><br>
Since his best friend moved in it's gotten worse. They stay up all night playing Madden or my DP is on Facebook playing Farmville.<br><br>
We fight about this all the time and he says that he's trying to get better and trying to find a job (and to be fair, he is trying to find a job, just not as hard as I think he could be) and that he doesn't want me to leave. But he won't even come to bed with me! I spend so much money on him and I'm so sick of it.<br><br>
I have been dealing with a kidney infection and last night I was all achey and tired and I asked him to come to bed with me (around 2am). He said he needed to check on his farm and could I please wait for him? I didn't want to wait, I was in pain and just wanted to go to bed. So I said no and went upstairs. Because I didn't give him a kiss and a hug goodnight (frankly, I was in too much pain to bend over and hurt that his farm was more important) he decided to stay up all night playing Madden to spite me.<br><br>
I woke up this morning at 7 and he was still awake. No apologies or anything. I'm sick of it! I don't have a partner, I have a 25 year old son! I told him all of these things, that I felt I was living with a teenager and I was sick of nothing ever getting better. And that if he wanted to stay up all night playing video games with his best friend maybe he ought to move back in with his parents. He basically ignored me and said he wasn't going to listen to me if I was going to be insulting. What else can I do? I don't want to live like this anymore. Yes, I love him, but I can't keep living like this. Frankly I'd be better off on my own. I told him things need to change by the end of May or he has to leave. It broke my heart to say it.
 

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Yes, i agree, you will be better off without him. I too left an immature, selfish XP and in the 4 years since i left him nothing has changed, oh, except he used to be working and he quit a year ago because he didn't want to work anymore. He's 40 next year, so it's not like he's just a young man.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> i'm so sorry, but honestly, getting away from the crazy immaturity and draining influence made a massive difference to my emotional and physical well-being.
 

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Are both your names on the mortgage? Meaning is it both of yours house? Just your house, or just his house? Cuz if it were just my house, I would be telling him its time to HIT THE ROAD and he can come back when hes ready to be a contributing and responsible partner. Cuz yea, the smoking IN THE HOUSE has got to stop. You have a small son too, dont you? My husband smokes, and wouldnt DREAM of smoking in our home.<br><br>
If its HIS house, I would pack up and se la vie for a while, until said changes up above came to pass.<br><br>
If its both your house, I still recommend leaving if you have somewhere to go. It sounds as though your partner needs a major wakeup call, because the status quo is not giving him any initiative to make a change.<br><br>
Big <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> to you. That sounds very hard to live with. It would make me crazy.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
It's rent-to-own and both of our names are on it. God, I don't want to leave...I really love him. But I don't see anything changing unless I do.<br><br>
Yes, I have a 5yo DS from a previous relationship. I've tried to stick to the rule of not smoking in the house, but he feels that because I have done it a handful of times (not proud of it) that the rule is now null and void.<br><br>
I know this parenting stuff is new to him and I tried to be understanding for the longest time. But how much time is enough for him to grow up? We're having a daughter in July.
 

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How long should it take for him to grow up? HES 25!!!!! That ship should have sailed. He should be working, bringing in money, and helping paying the bills. Who is doing that? Just you? Unless he plans to be the stay at home parent, time to buck up and be a man.<br><br>
And honestly, the smoking in the house has GOT to stop! Its jeprodizing the health of your young son and unborn child. We live in the NE where its winter 6 months outta the year. My husband (And me on occassion <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hide.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hide">) go out to the garage. No matter how cold it is. Tell him he has to take it outside. And set the example yourself if you can't bring yourself to quit. Tell him its a deal breaker. Admit you were wrong to do it yourself.<br><br>
And I don't know how rent to own works, but basically if its just a lease, I am pretty sure you can get his name OFF of it. But not 100%. It may depend on what state you live in.
 

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There are many, many people out of work:<br><br><a href="http://www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.nr0.htm" target="_blank">http://www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.nr0.htm</a><br><br>
It is not as easy as just finding a job these days.<br><br>
Also, many grown men play video games. Including me. Including many of my friends with jobs and families. It's not fair to characterize men who don't have jobs and/or play video games as "children".
 

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I would try to get out of the lease; it's true that you/your children can't continue to live like that. It's also true that no one should be smoking in the house... I don't really get the "he will not let me stop buying him cigarettes. If I say no he will just go do it anyway." So let him buy them, but that doesn't mean you have to. This is something you do have control over.<br><br>
So are you supporting him? And pregnant? Just no. You may love him, etc, but you can love him just as much from a healthy environment, not a frat house. IF he grows up eventually, then great, take it from there. If he doesn't, it's just as well to move on. I mean really, you're going to have a little kid and an infant, two grown men smoking and playing video games all day....? Your "partner" has no incentive to change; sounds like he likes it just the way it is.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15356265"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
Also, many grown men play video games. Including me. Including many of my friends with jobs and families. It's not fair to characterize men who don't have jobs and/or play video games as "children".</div>
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I am not calling him a child because he plays video games. I play them myself. But when he stays up until 7am some nights and then sleeps all day, what else would you call him? An hour or two of gaming is fine, but when he's playing games for nearly 8 hours straight that's childish.<br><br>
I would be more understanding about not having a job if he had started looking for one when we found out I was pregnant (November). He waited until March. We've been trying to apply for food stamps but he won't go to his parent's house (ten minutes away) to get his birth certificate.<br><br>
I didn't want this baby at first because I didn't think we were ready for one. That's the whole reason I was on the pill. But when our birth control failed, he convinced me to keep the baby based on the promise that he would start picking up the slack. I feel like I was tricked into this.
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15356265"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">There are many, many people out of work:<br><br><a href="http://www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.nr0.htm" target="_blank">http://www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.nr0.htm</a><br><br>
It is not as easy as just finding a job these days.<br><br>
Also, many grown men play video games. Including me. Including many of my friends with jobs and families. It's not fair to characterize men who don't have jobs and/or play video games as "children".</div>
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But do you refuse to try and find a job or stay up all night instead of supporting your pg partner? I didn't see her insulting people who play nintendo or that there are no jobs. Here, almost all the jobs are gone. But you can still find fast food work and the like. Not great-but not unemployed for 7 months.<br><br>
OP, you are describing my ex. He never got better about it. Can you write him a letter telling him how you feel? I do think his best friend living there is a mistake. Can he move out?
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15356265"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">There are many, many people out of work:<br><br><a href="http://www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.nr0.htm" target="_blank">http://www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.nr0.htm</a><br><br>
It is not as easy as just finding a job these days.<br><br>
Also, many grown men play video games. Including me. Including many of my friends with jobs and families. It's not fair to characterize men who don't have jobs and/or play video games as "children".</div>
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My husband was THIS CLOSE to being out of work (is doing what he has to to bring home money right now), and LOVES Farmville/petville. I dont consider HIM a child either. but the OPs partner IS acting immature and irresponsible. Im of the mindset that if you have to go work at the quickie mart right now just to get some kind of imcome, you go do it until something better comes along. Sitting at home all day, and staying up til all hours of the night with your best friend, instead of contributing to the house, CHILDISH.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>kittywitty</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15356306"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But do you refuse to try and find a job or stay up all night instead of supporting your pg partner? I didn't see her insulting people who play nintendo or that there are no jobs. Here, almost all the jobs are gone. But you can still find fast food work and the like. Not great-but not unemployed for 7 months.</div>
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When my wife was pregnant, she encouraged me to raid more in WoW actually. It was kind of a "last hurrah" where I knew wouldn't be able to play as much after the baby was born.<br><br>
One in ten men doesn't have a job at the moment, with more insufficiently employed part time. She said her partner is trying to find a job. It's not as easy as just getting one these days. And I don't agree with the sentiment expressed in the OP that "I spend so much money on him and I'm so sick of it." Men are not just for making money.<br><br>
Choosing to game instead of coming to bed with someone might indicate not wanting to go to bed with the person. It doesn't indicate childishness.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15356375"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">When my wife was pregnant, she encouraged me to raid more in WoW actually. It was kind of a "last hurrah" where I knew wouldn't be able to play as much after the baby was born.<br><br>
One in ten men doesn't have a job at the moment, with more insufficiently employed part time. She said her partner is trying to find a job. It's not as easy as just getting one these days. And I don't agree with the sentiment expressed in the OP that "I spend so much money on him and I'm so sick of it." Men are not just for making money.<br><br>
Choosing to game instead of coming to bed with someone might indicate not wanting to go to bed with the person. It doesn't indicate childishness.</div>
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But did you play less once the baby was born? Or did you go right on doing what you wanted despite there being a little person you helped create needing care? Because this man is risking the health of an EXISTING child, as well as his unborn child, by smoking in the house.<br><br>
And i'm sorry, i'm not sure how easy it is to find a job when one is essentially nocturnal and putting in 8 hours a night on the computer. Maybe where you are employers do interviews at night and most people looking for jobs don't get up until 4pm, but where *I* am the early bird catches the worm, if the employment page in the paper can be bought at 8am then you can bet the casual work is all gone by 10am, and the application-only jobs are flooded with candidates by midday.<br><br>
No-one, man or woman, is for "making money", but why should she support him when he isn't helping? I got sick of spending money on my ex too - i wasn't asking him to spend money on ME, i was asking to pay his own way in the world and pay for half of what his child needs, something he still doesn't do.<br><br>
Really the fact that you are a decent person and good partner and father who also happens to enjoy computer games doesn't mean this man isn't acting in a selfish and immature way.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15356375"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">And I don't agree with the sentiment expressed in the OP that "I spend so much money on him and I'm so sick of it." Men are not just for making money.</div>
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I'm not sure where I said that was all he was good for? All I'm asking is for what I was <i>promised</i>. If we had had an agreement that he was going to be a SAHD, it would be entirely different.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15356375"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">And I don't agree with the sentiment expressed in the OP that "I spend so much money on him and I'm so sick of it."</div>
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i think she's referring to things like . . . him spending <i>her</i> money on cigarettes for himself, when she said no?
 

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op, i'm in the same situation, but not for long. it's time to cut your losses and get out. he is not treating you with the love, care and respect you deserve.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>doubledutch</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15356555"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">op, i'm in the same situation, <b>but not for long</b>. it's time to cut your losses and get out. he is not treating you with the love, care and respect you deserve.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">, good for you!
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15356375"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
Choosing to game instead of coming to bed with someone might indicate not wanting to go to bed with the person. It doesn't indicate childishness.</div>
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No, but everything else she indicated in her OP <i>does</i>.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15356265"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">There are many, many people out of work:<br><br><a href="http://www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.nr0.htm" target="_blank">http://www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.nr0.htm</a><br><br>
It is not as easy as just finding a job these days.<br><br>
Also, many grown men play video games. Including me. Including many of my friends with jobs and families. It's not fair to characterize men who don't have jobs and/or play video games as "children".</div>
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Yes this is true. DH has been out of work since July and it SUCKS. Not for lack of trying either. It is really really hard to find a job even for those who are busting their butts and highly qualified. And no, video games aren't bad in of themselves, but I think playing them so much at the expense of being an equal contributor is a problem.<br><br>
HOWEVER, it sounds like this guy has an overall immature attitude, I mean, staying up ALL NIGHT? Smoking around a little one? All though my DH is out of work he still contributes a LOT in other ways. He stays at home with DD, contributes to the housework, takes care of the dog and is really supportive of our family in general. So I don't think it is just that he doesn't have a job and plays video games, it is that he is not putting much effort in finding one and doesn't contribute in any other positive way while being out of work.
 

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Ok, there are definite problems here but I think they are about something other than immaturity. I'd go with communication breakdown.<br><br>
I really don't think you can blame anyone else because you can't quit smoking. I understand that it's difficult to quit if you are around smoke and cigarettes but when it comes down to it, it is your choice to light up. If you do feel that he's being unsupportive because it's really really difficult for you to be strong, maybe you can aknowledge that maybe it's difficult for him too. I agree quitting an addiction is extremely hard and requires a great deal of will power.<br><br>
I think if you want to work things out in a relationship you have to be able to see things from your partner's perspective, even if you think that world view is crazy.<br><br>
I'd imagine that not having a job when you are looking especially if you expected that you would have one, especially months later is extremely stressful, combined with a baby on the way, he's probably feeling very stressed and insecure. Online games and communities can really relieve stress and become addictions in their own right especially when you start to feel senses of accomplishment that you are missing in the real world. There's a lot of tension in your household and both of you are dealing with it in your own way. You may want to say "but he's not doing it right" and you may be right. However you should work on yourself, since that's really all you can change.<br><br>
Look at your own behavior about your inability to stop smoking even though you are pregnant and have a kidney infection. I'm sure you would disagree with anyone who felt that you cared more about cigarettes than your baby. I'm sure you want to stop smoking, and I'm sure you do care for your baby, and yet you are having a difficult time making the best choice. Give your partner some of the understanding you'd want someone else to give you. He wants to have a job and help take care of his family, he is looking, he wants to be with you. He's having a difficult time making the best choices.<br><br>
This is all if you want to try to make things work between you two, but honestly if you don't, or you truly feel that you've tried everything and that his issues aren't something he want to face, then you should leave.<br><br>
edit: if this was just a cathartic vent, I'm sorry I got so therapist-y on you.
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>plunky</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15356265"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">There are many, many people out of work:<br><br><a href="http://www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.nr0.htm" target="_blank">http://www.bls.gov/news.release/empsit.nr0.htm</a><br><br>
It is not as easy as just finding a job these days.<br><br>
Also, many grown men play video games. Including me. Including many of my friends with jobs and families. It's not fair to characterize men who don't have jobs and/or play video games as "children".</div>
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<br>
In some areas, it is easier than you think. We moved from Florida to Kentucky in March and within three weeks, I had a job. Mind you, it is not high-paying, but you do what you have to do. If I had to work three part time jobs to pay our bills, that is what I would do.<br><br>
I am not stupid. I know that in some areas, yes, jobs are pretty scarce. Which is why we moved. However, there are other areas where you might not find a job paying a high wage, but you can find work if you have nothing else.<br><br>
There is nothing wrong with video games. There is nothing wrong with a man who is a SAHP. But a grown man who simply refuses to try to get a job, and instead, plays games <span style="text-decoration:underline;"><b>all of the time</b></span>, and who refuses to contribute to his family is acting like a spoiled child.<br><br>
Don't get me started on the fact that this guy refuses to keep agreements as well. That is immature behavior.<br><br>
WHERE on Earth do some people get the notion that supporting your family or at least contributing to the home in one way or another, is a choice? Kids have to eat , have to have a decent roof over their heads and clothing to wear.
 
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