[paintedfire]

I just typed the title of this thread and then stared at the screen for a few minutes and then cried a little bit if I'm being really honest here.<br><br>
Baxter is 20 years old. I know that he has very little time left here. But I'm just not <i>ready</i>. The signs of age of been here for quite some time. First it was his hearing going a bit spotty, then he stopped attacking anyone who came in the door, and finally a few years ago he stopped talking constantly.<br><br>
He's always been a huge cat. Not fat, just really, <i>really</i> big. He seems to be tired all the time these days, I'd say for the last week or so. He's drinking some, but seems to be very disinterested in eating. He's not pooping as much as he usually does and in just a few days the hair on his left front leg is almost entirely gone.<br><br>
He has a vet appointment at 10 AM today (Monday) and I am very scared of what I may find out.<br><br>
Baxter has been with me since I was fourteen years old. Four years after that I left Texas for grad school in England, when the PETS scheme hadn't yet be put into affect. As soon as it was official, I took a vacation to go back home for two weeks and when I left to go back to school I went back via the Queen Mary 2, ostensibly because they have a kennel program where you are allowed to visit your pets everyday, but it was mainly because I couldn't stand the idea of him in the cargo hold of a plane.<br><br>
He has been with me alone ever since.<br><br>
I can't imagine life without him. I just don't know what to do. I'm more terrified right now than I am when the jury goes to deliberate. That I have experience with. This? I've resisted getting a dog since I was twelve because my first dog died that year and I'm still not over it. I mark her birthday and the anniversary of her death on my calendar every year and celebrate with a cupcake and drink my depression away with vodka and cranberry juice, respectively. It's pretty much a family tradition at this point.<br><br>
DF is taking off of work to be with me for the appointment, so if I faint at least he'll be there to catch me. It's just, I know I have to be strong for Baxter. He's always been able to tell when I was upset and I don't want him to be any more stressed out than need be.<br><br>
Sorry that this is so long, especially considering I'm brand-new here. I'm supposed to work tomorrow and I haven't slept a wink despite the two sleeping pills I've taken. I guess I just needed to put my thoughts and fears down, so that they're not only in my head.<br><br>
If you've made it this far, thanks for listening.

 

[Breathless Wonder]

I opened this thread before, and meant to post.<br><br>
I just wanted to say I'm very sorry your cat isn't doing well.<br><br>
20 years is a long life for a cat- towards the top of the range in fact. The average is 14.<br><br>
I hope, whatever the out come of today's appointment, you are able to find in peace in the knowledge that your cat had a long wonderful life thanks to you.

 

[KalamazooMom]

I am so sorry. Our vet told me that appetite is a big indicator of how a pet is feeling. So if he's not interested in eating chances are he doesn't feel well over all.<br><br>
I know how attached we all get to our pets and it's horrible to think of losing them.

 

[womenswisdom]

Hoping you are okay <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s

 

[paintedfire]

Thanks to the three of you for thinking of him. I really do appreicate it.<br><br>
So, his appointment has come and gone. His vet (who is very holistic-oriented and has the best bedside manner, for both the animals and their sometimes hysterical owners) told me that he is near deaf in both ears, something that is new since his last checkup in October. In addition, he is completely blind in his right eye and has only partial vision in his left.<br><br>
He is very, very dehydrated. When the nurse tired to draw blood it took three of them to find one that would work. Then they couldn't stop the bleeding after they removed the needle and rushed both DF and I out of the room for the most tense ten minutes or so of my life.<br><br>
Eventually, they got the bleeding under control and let us back in. (Side note: they ordinarily would never have asked me to leave the room and ordinarily I never would have, but I was positive - and right - that I was going to be sick.)<br><br>
Once the blood work came back, the vet came back in to talk to us. Here's the bad news I so desperately didn't want to hear: Baxter has feline pancreatitis. But here's the good news: he's not in renal failure and he doesn't have leukemia.<br><br>
They started him immediately after the bleeding episode on an IV full of electrolytes. Once the diagnosis came in the added pain killers. Unfortunately, these made him begin to vomit - amazing considering that he had absolutely nothing in his stomach.<br><br>
The vet is going to keep him under observation for at least the next 24-hours and keep him on the electrolyte IV as well. There's someone the all the time (obviously) so the vet had my name put down as someone who can come visit at any hour, probably out of pity for how incredibly overwhelmed I seemed, but I'm incredibly okay with that.<br><br>
He may have to stay an extra day or two, considering how old he his, but the vet said that while he is old and he definitely going to die someday - probably not to far off in the future - chances are good that he's going to be fine for now. Probably the best news I've ever heard in my life.<br><br>
After he comes home (home!), they're going to screen him on a pretty regular basis for future attacks of pancreatitis, but other than that - and the horrible loneliness I'm feeling right now without him here, I am so relieved that I can't even begin to describe how I'm feeling inside. I wouldn't even know that I'm relieved if it weren't for the fact that that's the first thing I said in thirty minutes right after we got the news.<br><br>
Thanks again, you guys. And even more importantly: thank you, Universe. You knew I needed this, didn't you? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><br><br>
Now I'm going to attempt to sleep for the first time since I got up at eight yesterday morning. Wish me luck.

 

[Breathless Wonder]

I'm glad that you have some information.<br><br>
For myself, knowing what is going on makes it easier to help me prepare for what is to come, and decide which direction we need to take at each crossroad.<br><br>
Good luck to you. I know you will, but love Baxter extra every moment he has with you. You'll never regret it.

 

[BedHead]

I am so glad you got good news!

 

[blessedwithboys]

i'm glad you got good news, and i hope you are able to get yourself the help and support you need to get through baxter's passing which is probably not too far off. drinking and pill taking is a bit worrisome, no?

 

[shesaidboom]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I hope you are doing okay.<br><br>
I have an elderly cat (19 years old), and like you I am so not ready for anything to happen to her. I understand how scary it can be. I am glad your little old man is okay for now and you will have more time together.<br><br>
I know it's hard, but please be gentle with yourself. Baxter is so lucky to have such a gentle and caring owner like you.

 

[paintedfire]

Sorry this update took so long.<br><br>
Thank you for all the support, ladies. Baxter is finally home and is currently in the process of punishing me for leaving him at the vet's by ignoring my presence. I know it's not his medication or that he doesn't know I'm very because if I come into the room, he will get up and leave it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
That's always been the thing about him. My grandmother and I have always said that he thinks he's God, so I've always just let him live in his delusions, because - frankly - a pissed off Baxter just. Won't. Shut. Up <i>already</i>!<br><br>
So, my Baxter is back! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>blessedwithboys</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15378347"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">i'm glad you got good news, and i hope you are able to get yourself the help and support you need to get through baxter's passing which is probably not too far off. drinking and pill taking is a bit worrisome, no?</div>
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Thanks. Yes, the drinking (one glass, one day a year in commemoration of the time my Dad's brand new car got a flat tire on a day trip to the beach, and she downed the contents of his glass without disturbing the ice.) and pill taking (I'm on several medications for several different health conditions, including - but not limited - to: lupus, fibromyalgia, depression, endometriosis, anxiety disorder, high blood pressure, vertigo, and many more) would be worrisome if not for the back stories there. It's my fault for not making it clear that this is not my every day behavior. I thank you again, for your concern. I know I need to choose my words better and this is yet another reminder of that. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
My DF has been my rock throughout this and I have the most amazing friends in the universe, who made sure that I took my medicine as I was supposed to and ate so that it wouldn't make me sick. DF and my best friend bought streamers and decorated my apartment for Baxter's homecoming, and my Grandma sent me a dozen yellow roses for every day (3) he wasn't home.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>shesaidboom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15379029"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I hope you are doing okay.<br><br>
I have an elderly cat (19 years old), and like you I am so not ready for anything to happen to her. I understand how scary it can be. I am glad your little old man is okay for now and you will have more time together.<br><br>
I know it's hard, but please be gentle with yourself. Baxter is so lucky to have such a gentle and caring owner like you.</div>
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Thanks so very much. It's amazing how time flies by, isn't it? It's like, you wake up one day and <i>boom</i>! Grey hair! Where did that come from, Big Guy?<br><br>
I'm trying to take care of myself, which isn't easy on a good day, and there haven't been too many of those as of late. It doesn't help that I have chosen one of the most stressful jobs possible for myself (I'm an attorney - Qué será será.)<br><br>
I'm trying to do my best to keep up with work and watching him for signs, but it's hard when he won't let me near him. A good friend is an teacher and Baxter is IN LOVE with her, so she's staying over right now, she says, to watch over Baxter since I can't get within five feet of him, but I know it's to watch over both of us.<br><br>
I'm very loved and very, <i>very</i> grateful.<br><br>
Life isn't perfect, but it's moments like this - middle of the night, cup of green tea, wonderful friend and (pain-in-the-ass) cat asleep together on the floor (don't ask), and towering pile of legal briefs beside me on the sofa that make me glad I went through all the stuff I have to get to where I am now.