I thought friendships would get easier...

609 Views 4 Replies 4 Participants Last post by MrsTC, Apr 11, 2006

MrsTC

Discussion Starter · Apr 11, 2006

I love my fellow women, I really, really do. But I find that it is often hard for me to maintain close relationships with many women because of the way women can be sometimes. I have never had more than a couple really close women friends at any one time in my life...several casual friendships, but the close ones I just can't handle too many of. I just can't do the, like, petty, passive-aggressive stuff that we can pull when we're upset about something, or something is going on that we're not happy with...you get what I'm trying to nicely say? I'm guilty of it, too; I do it to my husband from time to time, still, but never to anyone else; rather, I get over things I'm upset about or confront the issue (not necessarily be confrontational). Friendships are supposed to be a way to sink into the companionship of another person with whom you share interests and to take a break from the everyday, right?

Since I've had my son, well, since I got married and then got pregnant, really, my friends have shifted around, and I don't see a lot of them as much anymore, those who are single or who don't have kids...mostly because our schedules just don't meet up much anymore. So I've made some new friends, mommies of little kids and babies, and one of my new friends is clearly upset with me about something that I consider to be an unfair reason for which she is upset with me, and she's doing the cold shoulder-being short with me, passive aggressive BS.

Part of me just doesn't want to deal with this. I have enough to keep me busy and don't feel like I should have to deal with this...it's too much work. Especially when I know that she's just pinning me for an easy target, and she's not really mad at me directly. Do I wait for her to see this? I really like her and think she's a fun, smart, interesting person, and I enjoy spending time with her and talking with her...and maybe she's just doing that thing people do in new relationships where they test boundaries. I don't know.

Sorry my thoughts are so jumbled.

What are your thoughts on this? Experiences? Words of advice or wisdom?

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`guest`

· #2 · Apr 11, 2006

If you give it a little time with the other mama, maybe you guys can talk about it. I have a few real real friends,the kind you can tell anything to, etc. But that's not going to happen with everyone, there's different types of relationships, where it's maybe lighter and more"superficial". Some people arent comfortable with it getting all real.
As for the passive agressive stuff, I think that's part of alot of women's modus operandi. There are some women who don't do it, of course. But it's hard, there's been many a thread about this very subject. i agree, when I am tired, stressed, etc. the last thing I need is some high maintenance friend. Maybe time it so you don't see that person if you feel burnt. Good luck with this.

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Beeblebrox

· #3 · Apr 11, 2006

Rather than sitting back and waiting for this friend to act, maybe you could come right out and ask her what's up? Tell her you notice she is being cold and short and the reason you suspect she's being this way.

Honestly, I'm the same way you are. I have about two really close friends who, honestly, aren't really all that close. They live far away geographically and they're in different places in their lives ( sans children ). Sometimes I just find it exhausting, but I also find the prospect of building new relationships intimidating and scary.

So, long story short...

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Arwensmommy

· #4 · Apr 11, 2006

I could have written the first part of your post (I recently moved to the US, don't know anyone yet and so haven't made any friends at all yet), and I've had the same thing happen to me in the past. What I did? Not commendable... I walked away. I couldn't be bothered, it annoyed the heck out of me and I felt like this "friend" was just being extremely self centered and petty. In retrospect, I wish I would have taken the time to talk to her. Ask her outright. And most importantly: let her know that it was safe to talk to me, that whatever bothered her she could talk to me about it, she didn't have to turn to passive-agressive tactics to deal with it.
Good luck, I know it's hard but think of it this way: she might be your once-in-a-life-time best friend, and you will miss out on soooo much if you just let her slip away. Give it one shot... what do you have to lose?

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MrsTC

Discussion Starter · #5 · Apr 11, 2006

Thanks, mommies...

I so needed to hear other people's words of wisdom on this subject. Helped me sort out in my mind what to do.

I haven't yet decided what I'm going to do about it, am awaiting a sign from the universe on it first.

Thanks, again,
T

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