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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I was over the fact that X has a gf now. They have been going out for a year now. We had 'words' today (me and the X) We have gone from friends, to just cordial with nastiness just below the surface. I feel like I'm having a relapse. I find myself worrying about him getting married, having more kids, you name it.

I have a fun life now so why do I still care?
 

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I saw your name and had to respond
.

I don't know if I have any great words of wisdom for you but I do know that you are a strong, wonderful, independent woman and this will pass for you. Because you're above wallowing and because you are a person that keeps growing in mind and spirit. You will get over this. Just be patient with yourself. Just love yourself where you are at. And you will find you are not in this space for long.

Love Ang.
 

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Its so hard isn't it. I find myself caring about all that stuff too. Were you married a long time?
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by BelovedK View Post
I have a fun life now so why do I still care?
I totally understand your feelings. I felt the same way about my ex and his now ex
g/f. I shouldn't be so happy but ever since he broke up with the g/f he's done a complete 180 around my DD and i'm beyond overjoyed! She missed her daddy so much.

It wasn't so much that i loved my ex and cared about him, it's just that I felt I was being totally replaced over there by the "new girl". Have you been in any type of therapy? Maybe someone who can help you try to get over these feelings?

I honestly felt the same way at their "one year mark". I literally was driving home in my car with DD in the backseat in tears b/c "they're going to get married and have kids and forget all about my DD." I just felt like my DD wasn't as important to them because she was half of me. And you know- to them, I rank right up there next to the anti-christ


It stinks so bad. Please feel free to PM me anytime you need to vent
 

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You know, when I find myself slipping like that I tend to look at what else is going on in my life. Usually I'm stressed about something or feeling not as good about myself again, or something has happened that's left me feeling a bit more insecure than usual, which I why I'm fixating on what I don't have.

When that happens, I tend to get back to my gratitude journal, surround myself with things that nurture me and remind myself of what I like who I am and where I am. It usually helps a bit.

Life is a journey...be patient with yourself.
 

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I second or third being patient with yourself.

I don't know what else is going on with you, but it sounds like this is about fear for your kids together and how if he starts a new life with this woman, he won't make time and use energy for the kids he already has. It's normal to get a little wonky about the future of our kids. Just remember that you can't control him and your kids will be fine.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks guys, I am feeling a little better today. I do need to get out my gratitude journal again, it sure helps to focus on the positive things in my life.

With the holidays coming up it upsets me to imagine tham together at his families gatherings with the kids...etc. I do feel replaced even though it was my decision to seperate. I am spending part of Thanksgiving with a good friend, the rest of it with family. It's just that they have taken their relationship to a new level, they may even get married.

Big deal, huh? It is bound to happen.

As for seeing it as a reflection of me, I need to explore that...I am recieving counseling and it helps (tommorow) Now I know what we are going to focus on. I know I should feel lucky to be rid of him as a partner, but....

Thanks for listening to my ramblings.

He actually told me that since he's been with her his life has really improved. That made me feel like i had been punched in the stomach
I do want him to be happy and well adjusted, but that was mean of him. He is so quick to anger with me and I thought we were amicable. Now we are cordial.

Thanks again for listening. I am a mess
:
 

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He actually told me that since he's been with her his life has really improved. That made me feel like i had been punched in the stomach
Please remember that his life is not about you. His life wasn't about you when he was with you and it's not about you now. You were a part of his life...important in some ways, but his life, his world didn't revolve around you. (at least, it shouldn't have! I'd be worried about his sanity if it did.)

So, when he talks about himself, he's only talking about himself. Not you. If you felt like he punched you in the stomach, you're inserting waaaay too much of yourself into his life. It's not about you. He had issues before you. He had issues with you. He had issues after you. He *still* has issues.

Please...just remember that this isn't about you. It's about him. It's not about the girlfriend. It's about him.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Lucy VanPelt View Post

Please...just remember that this isn't about you. It's about him. It's not about the girlfriend. It's about him.
This is such a HUGE point!
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
You know, that makes me feel better...I'll make it my mantra. I like to be strong, and hate these feelings of insecurity. I want to be courageous, and not take things so personally. Boy, I can't wait for my counseling appt. tommorow. Thanks
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
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Originally Posted by pranamama View Post
I think he was trying to hurt your feelings and that is all about him.
that is exactly what he was trying to do. I know his MO, which is passive aggression...it usually works
 

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Originally Posted by BelovedK View Post
not take things so personally. Boy, I can't wait for my counseling appt. tommorow. Thanks

This is really hard for me too. I have to work really hard on reminding myself that people are not talking/inferring about me. Although, I am only like that when I feel insecure and/or doubtful around someone.

If you learn any great tips from your therapist...please share.
 

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I have a very PA ex, too. I know what it's like dealing with that all the time. I hope your counseling went well.


I know that when I realized that my ex was PA, it helped me to not take his behavior so personally. I realized that he had issues and that his behavior was never appropriately reactionary, b/c being appropriate wasn't a skill he'd learned, yet. I realized that while we both brought crap to the table, our crap didn't line up, so we could never resolve it.

I like PA people for one reason: It's soooo easy to blow them off. I never take anything they say or do personally, b/c it's easier for me to act upon the knowledge that it's not about me. Sometimes, that's harder to remember when dealing with non-PA people, even tho it's still true.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
counseling was good, yet painful. I realized that I'm upset because she is getting all of the things I wanted from X, she's even getting his wonderful family.

I obviously have never grieved the ending of the relationship and that's why I filled up my mental time being upset by outside things (such as his gf) right now, I am starting to grieve...years after the fact.

Thanks for all of your concern


you guys really are great.
 
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