[cjr]

I'm at a cross roads. I don't know how I should handle this. DD is in kindergarden and it took her awhile to make some friends. She had to watch her sister, who is a year older, attend all these birthday parties while she stayed home. DD has been invited to 4 birthday parties in the last 4 months. She loves that she gets invited and feels so special. However, every single one of them has been at McDonald's, which anoys me to all end. I hate that place and refuce to take the kids there. The last party she could not attend because we had no way to get her there as dh had to go out of town and I was babysitting a little guy (not enough room in the car for all 4 kids).

She came home with another invitation, again to McDonald's. Well this time it's on the 15th, Wednesday evening. Which is MY birthday. I discussed it with her and told her how important it was for us to spend family birthdays together. We don't do anything exciting for my or dh's b-days, but I would love for dh to let the girls make me a cake and have our older dd make dinner. Let the girls make me cards and have a nice evening together.

Anyway, I feel so bad about not letting her go. I know she thinks that it has to do with the McDonald's issue, and truth be told it does somewhat. However, I really believe that family b-days be spent together as a family. Am I being unreasonable? She does not get invited to many parties and she feels so left out sometimes. ARHHH!!!! I just want to be a good mom.

 

[fly-mom]

Hmm. I don't think you are being unreasonable, but that being said, if it were me I would reconsider my decision. I can't tell from your post, but if you and your family had made concrete plans for your birthday celebration in advance of this invitation it would be different, but it sounds like you don't really have any definite plans. The reasons I would reconsider are:

#1 it sounds very important to your daughter to feel special and be among friends. Being invited to a birthday party is special and it's wonderful that she is being included.
#2 she had to miss the previous birthday party because your schedule wouldn't accomodate it. I'm sure that was disappointing to her.
#3 being around a sullen and resentful child on my birthday doesn't sound like much fun to me
#4 you can consider celebrating your birthday on the following weekend when everyone will be happy to be there. We usually celebrate our birthdays on weekends, just because we have more time to relax and have fun.

If her birthday invitations are getting out of hand I would suggest coming up with a plan in advance of getting the invitations so that it is clear to her which ones she will be able to accept and which ones she will have to decline. For example, you might come up with some rules such as: only 2 birthday parties a month, no birthday parties on special family days, only one McDondald's birthday party a month, etc... That way she will know in advance.

 

[Emzachsmama]

I would probably do the same thing that you did. I have always felt, and have told my children, that family ALWAYS comes first. Actually a few months ago I wouldn't let my dd go to a sleepover party because we had a small family get together for that night. She was a bit upset but she understood because she knows that family is the top priority. I know its hard mama, but stick to your guns.

s

 

[aran]

If it were me, I would probably let DC go. But that's mostly because I am not too keen on celebrating my own birthday... they have all gone downhill since I turned 21 and I don't get any new privileges with each passing year :LOL (Well, that's not true, soon I will be old enough to run for president

)

I am right with you that McD's is not a great place to bring DCs, but my way of thinking is that it's not that often, and DC knows your thoughts on McD's so it's not like letting her go would set a precedent of you taking her there for no reason.

Aside from that, I can imagine that DC might not be enthusiastic about taking part in doing things for your birthday that night. As a kid, I know I would have been rotten and miserable and ruined my mother's fun by moping... but I am sure your DC is much sweeter than I was.

Now, that reason alone may not be sufficient reason to let her go, but you might want to consider it.

If I wanted my own birthday celebration, I would probably let DC go to the silly party just to take part and be sociable, then have my celebration later in the week... then I'd still have the nice family time, but also a DC truly interested in taking part in the celebration. Otherwise, it's like her interests get trampled by yours. But again, my POV stems from a low interest level in my own birthday, which maybe you don't share.

 

[alegna]

I would let her go because obviously this means a great deal to her. My thinking is that she is a child and I am an adult so I can be a little more flexible with my wants.

-Angela

 

[Kirsten]

I agree with fly-mom and alegna. For the same reasons they already listed.

You say she is feeling left out a bit - and that she had to miss the other birthday party already. I'd let her go, especially because you don't have any big, concrete plans. And because she (and the birthday kid) are just that - kids. To me, kid birthdays take priority over adult birthdays. I don't think it is putting your family second; I think it is being sensitive to your child's feelings. You can celebrate your birthday later that night - or on the weekend.

Re: McDonalds - you can let her go to birthday parties there and still not choose to give McD YOUR business. I don't let my kids watch Spongebob for example but they have gotten SB gift bags at other kids' birthday parties - no big. I didn't spend my money to support it; it is quickly forgotten; it is really just not THAT big of a deal. Not my gig - ok, I won't have my birthday with that theme - or in your case, no birthday dinner at McD's for you!

You can discuss with her your reasons for not taking the family to McD - but still allow her to go to friends' birthday parties. I also think it is ok to tell her that you have thought about it and come to a different conclusion. Let us know how it works out.

 

[shelbean91]

I also think i would reconsider. As an adult, it's easier to postpone than a child. Family is important, but you don't have concrete plans, so your bday could be celebrated another day. Maybe she can make you a card before she goes out.

I don't think you're unreasonable, but I would reconsider.

 

[~*max*~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by fly-mom Hmm. I don't think you are being unreasonable, but that being said, if it were me I would reconsider my decision. I can't tell from your post, but if you and your family had made concrete plans for your birthday celebration in advance of this invitation it would be different, but it sounds like you don't really have any definite plans. The reasons I would reconsider are: #1 it sounds very important to your daughter to feel special and be among friends. Being invited to a birthday party is special and it's wonderful that she is being included. #2 she had to miss the previous birthday party because your schedule wouldn't accomodate it. I'm sure that was disappointing to her. #3 being around a sullen and resentful child on my birthday doesn't sound like much fun to me #4 you can consider celebrating your birthday on the following weekend when everyone will be happy to be there. We usually celebrate our birthdays on weekends, just because we have more time to relax and have fun. If her birthday invitations are getting out of hand I would suggest coming up with a plan in advance of getting the invitations so that it is clear to her which ones she will be able to accept and which ones she will have to decline. For example, you might come up with some rules such as: only 2 birthday parties a month, no birthday parties on special family days, only one McDondald's birthday party a month, etc... That way she will know in advance.

Very well said Fly-mom. My thoughts exactly. And one more thing - kid b'day parties are so important to the children - those who's b'day it is, and the guests. Of course, sometimes we just cannot make it, but when we can, I think it is a nice right of passage for the kids. (Not the commercialism & materialism of course, lest I get flamed, just the celebrating a special day w/a special friend.)

 

[GranoLLLy-girl]

ITA Fly-mom and Kirsten.
I would reconsider based on what they've posted.

 

[UUMom]

The first ''school friend' party my son was ever invited to was in K and it was also held at McD's. I won't step foot in the place, but I did allow my son to go. It was very important to him to be included in with his classmates, as sick as McD's is.

As for my birthday, it's my birthday all (damn) day. McD's is a couple of hours at most, so if we had planned anything , i would do it after the McD's thing. We love family time and events, but b'day parties seem to be very important to children, and I don't care about mine. In fact, I don't care if I never have a cake again. :LOL But then, i am older than you.

But no, my kid could have gone (btdt) and my birthday would not have factored in, unless we'd planned a cruise or something and wouldn't have been in town.

 

[dharmamama]

We don't do McDonald's and my kids can't even eat the fries there because they are not vegetarian, but I would let my kid go to a McD's birthday party ...

... provided that it's not at a time that conflicts with other family plans. I would never let my child go and celebrate some other person's birthday on a family member's birthday. Family comes first. Period.

I think if you reconsider your decision, even though this party is very important to your child based on her feeling left out socially, the message you would be sending her is that yes, fitting in with friends is more important than family.

Namaste!

 

[USAmma]

Family always comes first. It may not be something she appreciates now, but someday she will. Maybe you can invite the girl over for a special playdate later.

BTW I wouldn't have let my dd go to McD's even if it wasn't my birthday. We are vegetarian and there's not much a veg kid can eat there. If you are opposed to McD's for your own reasons, you should not let your child go there, period.

 

[cjr]

I phoned the mom again today. She seems to be having a problem getting guests to attend. Not because it's at McD's, but because it's a school night. Which was another concern I had. We have decided to let her go. The whole family thing is very important to me and I don't want her to think that time with her friends is more important than family affairs. I know I can celebrate my birthday another day, but then it won't be my birthday. I want the girls to make a big deal about my birthday, and not because I'm being selfish and want to be recognized. I just want them to understand that they need to put out the same efforts towards other people and family members as they do when it's their special occation. I want them to want to celebrate special days and take the initiative to make other people feel as special as they are made to feel on their special days. Does this make sense? I think I will talk to dh and and ask him to plan a family BBQ on the weekend. Something that the girls can take part in and help plan and prepare for. When they are included in the planning of a special day it makes them feel so appreciated.

Thanks for your comments. I'm still not sure if I'm doing the right thing.

 

[traceface]

cjr, hmm, didn't quite follow your reasoning - you said you decided to let her go, but then went on to explain why family birthdays are so important (that is, having your girls value others' special day and participate in creating the specialness)

So I'm confused - if that's the case, why did you decide she should go? I'm not being critical, don't have a particular opinion, don't know what I'd do --just curious! maybe you mis-typed and you actually meant, "decided not to let her go"

 

[cjr]

No I didn't mis-type. We decided to let her go. Yes I want her to know the importance of family obligations, however it is true that we did not make definate plans for my birthday. I don't want her to resent the fact that she's not at her friends party. That wouldn't really teach her anything. We figured that if we made definate plans to celebrate on the weekend, with the girls participating in the planning, we would still be teaching her the importance of family functions and celebrating other peoples special days.

It's the whole thing about not making family plans before the invitation came out that has made me change my mind. If we had we made definate plans to have a birthday dinner together then it would be justifiable for me to tell her no, the family plans come first. However, we did not do that.

Dh is going to let the girls do most of the planning and we're going to have a Birthday/Father's Day BBQ on Sunday with some other family members. He's going to let them plan the food, decorations and make a cake.

 

[shelbean91]

I think you made the right decision- you show that you are willing to listen to your dd and her needs and you are willing to reconsider when new or different facts are presented. I hope her party goes well and your birthday party is wonderful!

 

[onlyzombiecat]

I think you made the right decision. If you had already planned something for your birthday at the same time it'd be different.
It is your birthday all day so you could still celebrate and have your child attend an event that same day. However, the family BBQ sounds really fun!

Happy Birthday!

 

[Alkenny]

Happy birthday!

Coming in here late, but I think you made the right decision also.

 

[Linda on the move]

I think you made the right choice. We do family birthdays on the closest weekend, so having one of my kids gone on my actual B-day wouldn't be an issue for me, and I really, really wouldn't want to spend my B-day with a child who was in a foul mood because they didn't want to be there. Also, one year on my old DD b-day we had a hard time coming up with party guest for a variety of reasons and it made it very sad for her. I'm glad your DD will get to go to the party, not just for her sake but for the other child as well.