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Discussion Starter #1
Hi there.<br><br>
My first birth went well with my daughter 4 1/2 years ago. I birthed naturally in a very low key hospital. It was actually a very quiet environment and everyone seemed to leave me be. My doula says that my birth was very classic, no problems.<br><br>
This time, I cannot birth at that same hospital, because of insurance. I will have to go to a MAJOR hospital in my area that is very big. Every time I go there it feels like a factory, I feel like cattle, a number. In my head, I feel that if I try to birth naturally there, it won't go well (probably not a good mindset)....also it is a teaching hospital, meaning students and residents. Does not seem so much like a quiet environment to me. Although I will be with midwives, that does not mean the environment will not be crazy and hectic and sterile.<br><br>
So with much reading and support from other HB friends, I have really made my mind up to have a HB. We even met the midwife and she seemed very wise and friendly. She has been to one of the births of my friends.<br><br>
HERE'S THE PROBLEM:<br>
My husband does not agree with HB. He sees as a selfish decision made by a women to look after her own desires and wants. He feels that if something went wrong we would not be safe. He also feels that it is ridiculous to spend $1500 on a home birth when we can birth at the hospital for free. (By the way he is laid off, but still working his side business, which is doing pretty well right now. By no means are we raking in the dough, but we are making it. I am a SAHM).<br><br>
For a while I thought I should respect his opinion and just birth at the hospital. But then, I got to thinking.....isn't it <i>me</i> in labor? Aren't my needs more important that his opinions? Shouldn't I have the birthing environment that will make my birth the most successful? Or, maybe I am being selfish?<br><br>
I just wondered if any of you have run into this same problem and what your opinions are.<br><br>
Thanks.<br>
J.
 

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I think in the end you get to make the choice - but that's just me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
My husband wasn't sure about a HB at first either, but I set him up with PUSHED, BORN IN THE USA, and we watched THE BUSINESS OF BEING BORN on DVD together. I then got him to read DIARY OF A MIDWIFE and right now he's reading LADY'S HANDS, LION'S HEART. He's now convinced that the safest place for a healthy person to give birth is at home. He was very open to new information though, and that helped.<br><br>
I'm not sure if that helps you or not - but good luck. I have always believed that education is the key. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I believe that it should be your decision. At the same time, I don't know how confortable you will be if he doesn't get on board?<br><br>
I have three children, two with my first and one with my second husband. The first two were born at home, although very reluctant about it at first, after we discussed it at lenght and he became educated about it, my first husband was totally on board with both births.<br><br>
With my third pregnacy during my second marriage, as much as I wanted to have another homebirth, I made the decision to have a hospital birth, not because I wanted to but because I truly didn't believe that my husband would be able to handle the homebirth scenario and the thought of him nervous as hell and potentially freaking out had me so on edge that I was worried that it would prevent me from being able to relax and let go. I stood my ground in the hospital and had a natural birth in the hospital.<br><br>
Every person is different, and I hope that you will be able to have the needed conversations that will bring your husband around so he can see this from your side and hopefully be supportive of having a homebirth.
 

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you do<br><br><br>
I birthed DH's way with my first child (hospital, turned into uneeded c-section) The next birth we did it my way (the way I felt the most comfortable) and I birthed better at home.<br>
Your DH may be thinking how great and easy your first birth was so why make all that fuss and do something unusual? Mine was not -so likely why my DH ended up letting me have my way without much resistance. All trepidation he has were better when we met with my MW. Try that.<br><br>
IF my husband was against me controling my own birth the second time I was going to go birth in another state with my sister or something. I could not justfy the treatment I recived in the hospital and could not let it happen again based on DH's hypothetical ignorance of birth/birth cuture/my feelings.<br><br>
He did come around luckily <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br>
I do think that YOU deserve to feel the most comfortable where you birth. His comfort is irrelevant, really.
 

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I agree with others that ultimately it is YOUR decision because it is your body and you who will live forever with whatever a birth does to/for you.<br><br>
But to preserve marital harmony <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">.....<br><br>
Insist that while you want to respect his feelings and opinions, you need him to base his opinions on solid knowledge of the matter. Tell him that once he is better informed, you can have further discussion. It is clear from the way you described his comments, that he is not informed at all--his objections are pretty much 'stock answers to the hb question', not based on real information. Ask him to have an open mind and explore it with you more fully before further discussion. And in the meantime, talk to some local midwives and see what they might do about payment plans, partial trades, all that might ease the financial end of things for your partner.<br><br>
good luck! You go, woman--this is too important to let it slide for the sake of avoiding an argument.
 

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I agree with previous posters, however the ideal solution will be to get him at least supportive of your decision even if it is not his preference. If it were my husband I would insist that he take at least some cursory steps to further inform himself before we discussed it further.<br><br>
In addition to the excellent books and video already mentioned, I would recommend Orgasmic Birth. Please do not let the title put you off. A more accurate title would have been Ecstatic Birth or Peak Birth but the marketers got ahold of it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> It features 4 couples, 3 HBing and 1 hospital birth. Even though the hospital birthing family were satisfied with their experience, we, the viewers, get to see how it really did not compare to the experiences of the HB families. It also talks a lot about the hormonal interplay of birth and how important it is ... something that is completely ignored by the hospital birthing culture.<br><br>
And have him come talk to the MW you previously interviewed. He can ask as many questions as he wants. MWs are used to this <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> She might also be a good resource to borrow a copy of Orgasmic Birth and/or Business of Being Born.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>festivefeet</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15408417"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But then, I got to thinking.....isn't it <i>me</i> in labor? Aren't my needs more important that his opinions? Shouldn't I have the birthing environment that will make my birth the most successful?</div>
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YES!!! I love and respect my husband as both my husband and the father of my children. But I did put my foot down with birth. He was on board with natural birth, doula, midwife, etc, but he wanted to be in the hospital. I absolutely did not want that. I tried to educate him, answer his questions, alleviate his fears, etc, but he just had this hang up about it. He couldn't even tell me what (that drove me crazy!). So I said "I love you, I need you to support me in pregnancy and birth, I want you involved, and I am making the decision to birth at home." He wasn't happy, but he didn't fight me. He got the whole, it's my body thing. Through the whole pregnancy he said, "we're having a homebirth, but it's not my idea" and "I'll support you, but I sure wouldn't make the same decision". Now, he says, "Of course we'll have another homebirth!" "I wish more people understood homebirth." He's a convert. There was no discussion this pregnancy other than I wanted to use a different midwife, being at home never came up.<br><br>
As far as the safety thing, has he had an opportunity to talk with a midwife about this? I know you said you met with one, but did he get to ask questions to ease his fear?<br><br>
And $1500!?! Wow! My MW is $4500 and I am not in a high COL area! So let him know that even though it's a lot of out of pocket money, you guys are getting an awesome deal!!
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Thank you for all of your feedback. I truly appreciate all of your comments and your support. I want more than anything for him to be on board and support me in this. In fact, I am feeling very alone and hurt that he does not see that where I birth matters. He does not seem to get it. Where we would be going is a huge university hospital in Ann Arbor MI. It is huge with many students and residents on board. I am a big believer that women need to be left alone with ones they love to birth.<br><br>
He truly thinks it is absolutely rediculous to pay the money when I can get it done for free. Honestly, if I got in the right mindset, I probably could get through the hospital experience, but I know I would not be as happy. He made the comment, "Well, I guess you need to come up with some fundraising ideas (sarcastically), I think it is a waste of money".<br><br>
I did have him watch the Business of Being Born. He also went with me to meet the HB Midwife. His reaction was, "I wasn't really impressed". Although, I don't think he would be impressed with anyone I chose. I chose to meet with this midwife based on two recommendations from people that had used her and my best friend/doula attended a birth with her as well.<br><br>
I do feel bad, going against his decision, we are so divided on this right now. He just thinks it is a useless decision. I am not sure how to talk with him about this or to guide him into a more educated place to see it worth the money and effort.<br><br>
Feeling so frustrated. On top of it all, like most women that choose HB, I KNOW that will receive a lot of grief from family members regarding my choice and will feel alone, because he is not there to support me in it. But the thought of going to the university hospital is so overwhelming. I am going on a hospital tour today, just to appease him, to show that I am being "open mindned". We will see what it is like. Ugh.<br><br>
J.
 

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Mom and dad each get a vote for the baby. Mom gets a vote for herself. So, mom is the default decision maker. I think it's great if both parents agree, obviously. What I would do in your shoes is tell him this; let him know that you must give birth where you are comfortable, but if he would like to do some research he can certainly try to convince you that you'll be safer in the hospital. The odds are good that in his research he'll find what we've all found: homebirth is at least as safe as hospital birth. Interview a couple of midwives together; they are often very confidence-inspiring. Take him to a class about homebirth if you can find one in the area. Try to win him over. But in the end, don't let him take over the birth. Birth is a thing for women to own, not men.<br><br>
Oops, just saw your update. He sounds stubborn! You couldn't pay me to go back to the hospital and I had a pretty good experience there. Homebirth is so much better. You may just have to lay down the law <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
 

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You could have an oopsie UC.
 

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Perhaps present the choice to your husband as paying for the homebirth or paying for the birth at the hospital where you had a good experience (completely excluding the teaching hospital)?<br><br>
It sounds like your husband hasn't fully grasped how sacred birth is for women-most people don't. Maybe focusing on how important the birth is to you will help.<br><br>
Dh thought I was a little crazy, but eventually got on board. After the first HBAC he became a total advocate-he has even helped other women decide to switch to midwifery care. Sometimes men just have to see it to understand it.<br><br>
I hope this works out for you and for the record, I believe mom makes the final decision.
 

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I always think these choices should be made with the husband. After all, you don't want to shut him out of your child's life at the very beginning of their relationship? And you do want to raise children with a loving partner, right?<br><br>
Yes, it is your body.... but shared cargo.
 

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This is a good example of why it's so frustrating that many insurance companies will pay double, triple even, for a hospital birth full of all kinds of possible interventions and added expenses, but won't share the wealth to cover a low-risk homebirth. It's very frustrating when the decision comes down to a financial one versus what's best for mom, baby, and family. At the beginning of my current pregnancy I was completely ready to go for a homebirth, but knew that financially we just would be pushing it too much if we did so (the cost in my part of NJ ranges from $5-6K!!) since we hadn't planned for this expense. And because my husband was worried about what spending this kind of money would do to our family financially, for many months I/we allowed that thinking to dictate our birth plans. But around 33 weeks something changed (midwives talking more about the hospital and making it seem less and less intervention-free, etc.; my husband and I watched Orgasmic Birth together and were very moved by the hb experiences in that film) and my husband came onboard with the hb plan. He sees it now as an investment in our family, which it really is.
 

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It's your decision. Period. Nobody has control over your body but you. My dh was not supportive of homebirth with our 4th when we encountered a similar problem. I educated him, told him my stance and it was my choice to make and then gave him stats (he's a scientist so he knows I research everything and give him data and logic). He was iffy, but finally resolved himself to it. We ended up UCing and now this time he's 100% supportive of UC and doesn't know why I want a midwife (just in case, and I like her <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> ).
 

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What does UC mean?<br><br>
Went for the hospital tour today. NOT IMPRESSED AT ALL. Ugh. It is amazing to me how crazy our society has gotten in making parents and mothers to be believe that birth is an emergency situation that requires all types of testing and interventions. JUST CRAZY!
 

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I'm starting to think your DH would of been impressed with your midwife if she would of said "and I'll do your birth for FREE!!!!"<br><br>
I guess that is his main thing, what do you think? The rest is just a conveinet arguement and all he studies and comparisons still don't make a HB free. Have you considered peitioning your insurans to pay for it? That can happen.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br>
Can you share who you are insured by?
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>festivefeet</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15408417"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
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My husband does not agree with HB. He sees as a selfish decision made by a women to look after her own desires and wants. He feels that if something went wrong we would not be safe.</div>
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When DS was born (4.5yrs ago) I knew I wanted natural but didn't think I cared if it was at home or at the hospital and since DH was more comfortable with the hospital I didn't think I cared....until I went for my hospital tour at 36wks. I left in tears knowing there was no way I could choose to bring a healthy baby into the world in that environment and be remotely comfortable. Dh was dead set against it stating it was selfish to risk the safety of our baby to satisfy my own desires. If safety was the issue I researched as much as I could about the safety of homebirth vs. hospital and actually found a huge wealth of information stating the safety of homebirths and the risks associated with hospital births.<br><br>
Meeting with the midwife sealed the deal. The argument that sealed the deal for DH was the notion that once poop hits the fan you have 30mins until you're in trouble. Drs aren't ALWAYS available at the hospital. Even if you're in the hospital you may need to wait for a doctor to become available vs. at home, you can be prepped in an ambulance in what may be the same amount of time.<br><br>
After DS's birth, DH became a huge homebirth advocate. Being in your own demain in control of things for yourself with an able-bodied person by your side to support you through is just something you rarely find in a hospital setting. Friends who have wanted homebirths have sent their DH's to DH to hear the other side (okay, one other friend) whose strongly-opposed-to-homebirth DH is now all for it and whose equally skeptical MIL who was present for the birth asked why anyone would go to a hospital to have a baby.<br><br>
Research and network!
 

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UC = Unassisted childbirth
 

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UC is Unassisted Childbirth, basically at home on your own.<br><br>
I think you may need to convey how much more you are getting for the money in this situation. How much is your happiness worth to him? How much is your resentment worth if you give in and have a terrible experience. I know that I would be very resentful if something like that happened and I had to live with the consequences to save $1500. It may help to appeal to this in a more emotional way. This isn't about money, it's about your health, safety, happiness, contentment, and yes, your experience in birth. Our culture totally bypasses how transformative and long lasting birth is to a woman. We switched midwives with this pregnancy and our former MW was covered by insurance and cost us $200 out of pocket. This one is $4500 up front out of pocket and we'll get reimbursed some of it after the birth by our insurance. We are not of the financial standing that $4500 is no big deal, it's a VERY big deal. I waffled spending the money and honestly I'm still feeling guilty about it but I KNOW that I will look back and be so happy that we made this decision and that the lifelong memories of being supported and cared for so well through pregnancy and birth will be cherished, but I would unlikely have much memory at all about that truck we wouldn't have spent the money on. I had to stress the importance to me that birth has. It is not a 9 month experience and a one day event, it is a life long memory that can change who you are as a woman and a mother. It really is that important.<br><br>
I wish you much luck as you continue to work through this!!<br><br>
ETA: Is there a way for you to earn some of this money? Would that help show him in a way that he would "get" how important this is to you?
 

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Discussion Starter #20
To answer one question: I have Bluecaid in MI (through Medicaid). My husband is laid off (working side jobs with his side business). When I asked the midwife if they would cover any of it, she replied that they would not reimburse her.<br><br>
To remark on another:<br><i>"It is not a 9 month experience and a one day event, it is a life long memory that can change who you are as a woman and a mother."</i> - sarahn4639<br><br>
My husband made that very comment:<br>
"It's 24 hours of your life", just like our wedding day. It's not that 24 hours that counts, it's all the hours afterward."<br><br>
He does not get it. REALLY he doesn't. I am not sure how to explain it to him in a way he can understand.<br><br>
J.
 
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