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I want a kid.

3519 Views 81 Replies 45 Participants Last post by  dharmamama
I don't know where else to put this and if this sort of post is considered spam I'm really sorry. I haven't ever visited these forums before so I'm not really sure.

I know a lot of the typical responses I'm going to get are "babies don't need to be having babies" or blah-blah. but you know, honestly? I just want you guys to hear me out. I'm almost 17 years old and for some reason, for as long as I can remember, the only thing I've wanted is to raise my own kid. I've been taking care of my 4 year old nephew since birth and that just makes it worse. I mean, I've definitely spent more time taking care of him then his mom (my sister, who would gladly hand him off to me and then leave the country and never come back). He even calls me Mama. I have a boyfriend who is 22 and I know it would be really easy to talk him into just 'accidentally' getting me pregnant because he is pretty much the same way that I am about having kids. I don't know why I am like this. It's driving me crazy. I work with kids and have since I was 12 to try and just wait it out til I'm an adult but it never works. I was a CIT at a summer camp for 7 weeks (m-f, 7 AM - 4 PM) last summer and it didn't help me one bit, just made me want a kid of my own more.
I'm moving in with my boyfriend this summer anyway. He'll be done with college and I'll be done with high school (I skipped 2nd grade). My parents already know of this plan and support it. I guess I feel like I'm getting into the state of mind where I'm thinking "I'm gonna have a baby and nobody can stop me" which is bad, I guess. I realize I'm making the wrong decision here.

But I can't stop. I really don't know what to do. Any advice about just... letting myself be a kid would be greatly appreciated, I guess. I just want a kid of my own so bad.
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There's nothing wrong with being a young mother. There are plenty of us here (I got pg at 18). Young mothers can be awesome, caring, loving, wonderful mothers. But what worries me is this...


Originally Posted by crimson butterfly
I realize I'm making the wrong decision here.(
Deep down you obviously feel you are not ready, or you wouldn't have made that comment. Take some time to think it over (I mean SERIOUSLY think it over, not just daydream). Talk to your boyfriend about things like costs (and then double what you think a baby will cost), work, daycare, how it will change your relationship, etc.

I am not going to say "you're still young, you have plenty of time" because, really, that's not a guarantee and I hate it when people say it to me. I will say that a baby will change your life forever and you will probably never been 100% ready for that change.

My advice would be to put yourself in a position where you can care for a baby alone (don't count on boyfriend to stick around because many don't and you do not know whether he will or not. You may think he will but nothing is a guarantee). Get a good job, go to school further if you need to, build a good support person (ETA- I meant to write *system*, not person), and then consider having a baby.

Good luck!
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I think it's great that you want to have children and be a mother. I can remember being 17 and I wasn't at all familiar with children, except for having been one, and when I did have a child, I was woefully underprepared. At least you have one up on me for knowing about children!

I used to work at a school for pregnant and at risk teens, and I had a lot of students who felt like you did. They really loved the idea of having their own baby to love and hold and help grow up. Many of these young women did, in fact, have their own babies while they were my students. And, all of them wished that they could have been a little older when they did so. All of them.

Did they love their babies? Certainly. Did they wish them away? Certainly not. Were they good mothers? For the most part. BUT, and it's a pretty big BUT, they all wished they had waited.

I know that wisdom is not able to be communicated, so this may not have any bearing on your decisions, but I thought I'd throw it out there. Take what you wish to use for your life.

It's interesting that you think you are making the wrong decision to have a baby. Why do you think it's the wrong decision? Just because society says so? Or is it something else, inside you, that's letting you know it's "wrong"?

One question, what about having a child interests you so much?
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Things for you to answer for yourself:
1. Will you and your boyfriend be making enough to support yourselves and a child? Preferably, does your boyfriend make enough to support three of you?
2. Can your relationship handle the stress of a new home and starting a new life all at the same time?
3. Can you afford to have a baby, that is, the actual cost of pregnancy and childbirth?
4. Do you smoke, use drugs, or drink?
5. What's your support network like?
6. Do you have any savings to fall back on in case of job troubles, decisions to go back to school, accidents, what have you?

My inclination would be to move in together, get married (or make a concious thought-out decision not to), and then consider bringing a child into a settled life. I think that you and your boyfriend should to work out your relationship with each other before bringing a child into the equation. Now, since you're both on board with the whole kid thing, work together to make your life able to accomodate a child. The pregnancy should *not* be 'accidental' and it should also not be the reason for your relationship.

Notice that I am not questioning your ability to raise a child.

There are just a lot of posts on here from people who ended up with problems because their lives weren't quite ready for a child. Since you're still in the planning stage, take advantage of that time.
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Crimson Butterfly< (luv your user name btw!) first, it is really good of you to acknowledge and talk about this-- because that's definately the way to process it in a healthy way.

Second, Having a strong urge is wonderful- I bet you will be a super mom. There are lots of moms who started young and i always get the impression that it was basically 'their calling'. A lot of society views having kids and raising them as unimportant work and if you do it than you either 'deal with it'-- as in usually as little as possible and write it off as one of those other ''Things'' in your life you HAVE. Some women have a keen ability to nurture and others dont. If we are lucky we have enough to raise half decent kids. Maybe you have that special talent just busting to come out.

third, The urge together with your need to control it a little longer are both coming from a gut level. Your intuition is strong as well here and you would be smart to follow it as rushing into anything is always at least a little risky.
Time flys. The right time WILL come.
Your free time as a young person will never again be like it is right now.
Enjoy it at least a little longer and you will be a better mama for it!
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weird, and i'm not sure how to delete all of these windows!! sorry!
I'm 30-ish
and have wanted a baby for many years now (no kids yet)... nothing wrong with that, we're human! I have made myself wait until my financial life is in order, and also to give myself enough time to travel and just be "me" first before having another person who depends on me.

Honestly, it sounds like you're going to be an amazing mother when you feel 100% ready... until then, especially during ovulation, these boards help ease my urges! I don't think you'll be criticized here, no worries
hang in there!

edited to add: about ten years ago I got a puppy and she really does wonders for my "parenting" urges! not *quite* the same but it helps
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Dh and I wanted kids right away. We started dating when I was just turning 15 and he was just turned 17. (just over 2 years apart). I worked with children fromteh time I was old enough to do so. I graduated HS early and when I started college (at only 16) I was taking child developement classes. When I was 18 I was already a pre-k teacher. Dh and I did go ahead and have children early. Our oldest was born when I was 18. Our third was born when I was 22 turning 23. There are definate plusses and negatives to having children early. I was definately "mature" for my age already and still am (I'm 25). Taking care of them wasnt an issue. And I know we'll have more energy that many of our older counter-parts when the kids are older. The parts that we didnt really think about was time to just "be us" as adults. While parting and such has never been our thing, I think we would have benefitted from having a little time to go out with our friends and *having fun* before children. Meaning not have to find a sitter or worry about eveyrthing. I absolutely adore my children and wouldnt change having them ever, but think it could have been good to have a couple years or even just one year where Dh and I lived together ourselves first. I also was not able to finish college because it was just not doable with the kiddos. We couldnt afford childcare and college for me and I couldnt work, go to school and care for the kiddos without getting burnt out. I WILL be going back to school, just delayed.

Anyways, just wanted to give you my mini story as another view point. Nothing wrong with wanting to start a family, I just advise to try to also think about how you might look back on it in a few years. Will you regret not having any time to be an adult before including children? BTW, from the time I was tiny I always knew my *job* was going to be mommy. Nothing wrong with that.
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From what little I can infer from your post, not knowing you personally or anything, I'm sure you would be a great mom, mostly because you want a baby for the right reason--lots of people have babies just because "it's what you do" or some such. I would however recommend that you wait until you're 18 to conceive, or at least make sure you're 18 when the baby is born. Being a new mom is hard enough without the legal complications of being underage. Also, I don't know what the laws are where you live, but you should make sure there's no chance of your boyfriend being prosecuted for statutory rape. I would also recommend getting married, unless you're philosophically opposed to it for some reason.

You don't say whether you're planning to go to college, get a job, or what--will your boyfriend make enough money to support you and a baby?

I can definitely empathize with you--I wanted to have a baby from when I was about 14, but I waited until I was much older. I don't regret waiting, because the experiences I've had as an adult that I couldn't have had as a parent are part of who I am, but I certainly don't think that waiting is objectively better.

Please don't disparage yourself and your amazing natural abilities by buying into society's crap propaganda about young mothers. You are *not* making the wrong decision and you do *not* have to let yourself be a kid. Corporate America may want to treat you as a child, but you're not, you're a competent young woman with a maternal instinct.

Here's an opinion piece about the benefits of parenting young:

So anyway, my advice is to wait a year for legal reasons and then go for it
. Good luck.
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I wanted to second a pp comment about giving your boyfriend and yourself time alone, as a couple, before introducing a brand new person. I met my husband when I was 31, I accidentally got pregnant (on the pill!!), and we decided to get married. We love each other deeply, truly -- but that first year was soooooooooooo hard. We fought like cats and dogs, were constantly stressed out, and almost didn't make it. And again, I'm in my 30s and my husband is now 41.

The stress off both a new baby and a new home is huge, especially if you're still getting to know the person you're married to (or beginning to live together with).

I love my kids and am very grateful for my family. We are all close. However -- I do wish there had been more "us" time as a couple.

So that has nothing to do with age, but is relevant to your situation nonetheless.

Originally Posted by graciesma
I decided to wait until we had 5 figures in the bank to get pregnant. I have a big problem with welfare.. OH MY GOD I SAID IT!!

I honestly don't know what to say. I've typed and deleted and typed, then deleted. You honestly sound very priviledged, and certainly proud of it!

I hope you never have to be without your safety net; it sounds like you have major issues with money...

Originally Posted by graciesma
What is your problem with me? We are not privlaged. As a matter of fact I have had a job since I was 14. My point to my post was this no matter how ready you think you are finacally things will always pop up unexpectedly. I was saying even though he makes a decent wage there will almost always be things to consider. I cannot beleive you would pesonally attack me!!! I was simply trying to break it down and let her know that things arent always what they seem. Oh and just to clarify my problem with welfare is not that people are on it but that some people need more help than they will ever get and the gov doesnt seem to know what the cost of living! You really are out of line attacking me like that! You didnt even seem to understand what I was saying. I also dont understand what makes you think I am so "privelaged" Everything we have inclunding his PRIVELAGED job was worked for the hard way I ASSURE YOU. Also can you clue me into what my safety net is you speak of?
Oh, so your issue with welfare is that people don't get enough money? If that is true, then you seriously need to consider editing, because that is not how it comes across at all. Your entire post is a bit convoluted, and if you wish to not seem like your "privlage" is showing then you need to be a bit clearer.

I don't have any issue with *you* personally. I did not attack you in my post, though I felt aggressively about what you wrote.

Specifically I don't get what you meant when you said the following things:

Not being married youll be left in the dust your not entitiled to ANYTHING.

I decided to wait until we had 5 figures in the bank to get pregnant.
This one I get, but do you honestly not see the priviledge in this statement? If you don't then I think we're not at a place where we can discuss this anymore...
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I was 20 when I had my first. I really lucked out. My partner and I hardly knew each other when I became pregnant (I must point out as well that living together is soooo much different that just dating!) We really were on the same page.... we found out AFTER I was pregnant. I really feel lucky, because it may have turned out differently.
The hardest thing for us has been the financial part. Once you have children there is a constant financial demand that makes it pretty tough to save up .I was finished half of my university degree, and my partner had no post secondary education. He is now 30 and working towards an electrical apprentaceship... somehow on 20 thousand Canadian yearly we need to save up for his schooling and the two months a year that he will be off of work. Our first son will be starting kindergarten next year. My partners schooling will be a 4 year plan. Our son will be almost 10 when we will be making a living enough that we can save to buy a home. The last 5 years have been great... we can live off of very little, and are very happy as a family. The stresses come when our vehicle breaks down or we need dental work .... or anything extra really! My partner has been unemployed for periods. We have had to ask for help and be on employment insurance.( and really struggle through the winters... which is when work around here is lacking... heating is expensive!) Our family has food allergy issues which really bump up the grocery bill.( and limit the help we can get from a food bank in emergencies) I dont know what we would have done if either of our children had been born with a disability. My schooling has been put off now for at least another 4 years!I cant imagine now having a ten year old and 40 thousand dollars worth of student debt. I do not regret having children, but wish that I had made the decision based in reality rather than in that romantic biological urgey feeling!!! But then again.... if I had known I may have put it off and I wouldnt have these two amazing children in my life! Life is unpredictable.... all of the planning in the world wont keep you safe from the unexpected.
I hope you have a great support network! Most of my family disagreed with my decision to have children and dumped me when I needed them most.
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i don't really know how to respond to you, graciesmom.
i'm agreeing with onlyboys though.

to the OP, i hope you come back and see this is a (mostly) loving community that supports having babies young =D or old, whatever your preference!

i'm a young mama, i'll be 22 in a couple weeks and my husband is 22 as well.
i don't think there's anything wrong with wanting to have babies.
it's all i ever wanted.
we get by just fine on what we make (i stay home with haye full time), and we do not have a huge excess of money.
i love my family and my life.

i think it's a huge decision, weigh it out and finish high school.
then do whatever your heart tells you is right.
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OP, is a great resource and might be of help to you in navigating this decision.
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