[MilkyMamaGoat]

Hello!

This is my first post, but I am a long-time lurker. I've learned so much here, and I am hoping that you guys will be able to help me out with my current situation.

I have two children--twins, actually--and am SO ready for a third. My twins will be two next month, and I feel like now is the time to add on to our family. Dh and I have always agreed to having three children. I feel like it makes sense to have another baby now for a couple of reasons:

1. I want my kids to be close enough together in age to play together; I feel like if they're much further than 3 years apart, this won't happen (especially since my older two are twins).

2. I am not planning on being a SAHM forever. I am 24 years old, and there is lots of stuff I still want to do. Which isn't to say that I want to rush through this time-at-home-with-young-children period in my life, but I don't want to drag it out either. I would like to stay home full-time until my youngest child is 3. it doesn't make sense financially for me to stay home for too much longer since we most likely won't be able to afford a house until I go back to work.

Aside from it making sense for us to get pregnant again now, I just really WANT to, you know? I mean, it is constantly on my mind. I don't know if it would even happen right away (I am still nursing my twins), but I would just be so thrilled to be pregnant right now. I feel like my family won't be complete until we have our third baby, and I want my family to be complete.

So, here's the problem: Dh. Dh isn't ready. When will he be ready? He says he wants to figure out what he's doing with his life first. He wants to decide about what kind of grad. program he wants to do, and what school he wants to go to, and apply and get accepted, and THEN we can have another baby. While his argument DOES sound relatively logical, this has been his plan (to figure this stuff out) since we got together SIX YEARS AGO. I literally have no reason to believe that he is any closer to figuring that stuff out now than he was then. He is 28 years old, and I think he's entering his "saturn return." Like, I just have a feeling that the next few YEARS are going to be about figuring out what he wants to do. I can't wait that long! Also, I don't see what significance it really has on whether or not we have another baby.

I just don't know what to do. Has anyone else been in this situation before? Whenever I mention the b-word, dh gets upset and says he doesn't want me to pressure him into having a baby. And I don't want to be pressuring him, but at the same time it feels wrong and weird to not mention the thing that I'm thinking about 24/7.

All this aside, dh is a great dad--though not as invested as some--and things are good with us. But this is causing a lot of turmoil in our relationship.

Please help!

Thanks!

Jolie

 

[lexbeach]

Welcome to MDC!

I am in a really similar situation. I also have twins (turning two in February!), and am starting to seriously dream about baby #3. My wife (I'm married to a woman) was totally ready for us to have another baby 8 months ago, but now she's not so sure. She feels really overwhelmed by our twins. Do you think that could be part of the issue for your dh? It is really frustrating to feel so strongly about something and have your partner not even want to talk about it. My wife will talk about it, but our conversations have been more focused on *how* we'll have a baby (either through conception or adoption), not *when.* If I mention the *when* she usually says something like, "not now." And that's all I get.

Thus, I don't really have any advice for you, but wanted to say hi since I'm in the same boat. Hopefully someone will have something more helpful to say!

Nice to meet you!
(And be sure to check out the parenting multiples forum too)

 

[mamadawg]

I had to pop in and say hello. I too have twins (almost 15 months) and I'm really aching for a 3rd. I don't have any words of wisdom either because my dh doens't even want more. He thinks 2 is enough. Sorry, I have no advice for you, but know that you're not alone.

 

[OTMomma]

Hi and Welcome!
I don't have twins and actually today I was thinking how good it is dd isn't twins.

But I do understand what you are talking about. Just before dd turned 2, I got the "Its time to have another baby" feeling. Dh wasn't ready, he wanted a new job, more money, etc. I said, Ok, we can work on that, but we have to set a date. So we agreed on a date (6 months away) that if he didn't have a job by then we would start trying for another baby anyway. In the mean time I rewrote dh's resume for him and helped him get going with the job hunt (he had been sort of looking for a while, but it went MUCH better after I got involved). So right at 6 months later dh got a great job offer and we started trying to conceive (ttc). I'm not prego yet, but I feel like things are on track.

So my advice is to get your dh to commit to a time line of some form. That he will make a decision about grad school by x date and one way or another you can then start trying for that baby. Good luck.

 

[MamaFern]

thanks for starting this thread..i was going to start one but since this is here, even better..

my situation is similar..except that my partner NEVER wants to have another one.. i thought that i was pregnant this last few weeks and i was soooo happy..ive been dreaming of this baby. my son will be 2 on the 26th and he is the love of my life..the thing is..i dont know if i can stay with him if he doesnt want more kids. we met and i got pregnant pretty much right away. he stuck with us and he's a great dad..and an okay partner when he wants to be.. and i love him and want to be a family with him, except that i cannot imagine not being pregnant or having more babies...and i want my babies close together..not 5 or 6 years. and if i stay with him illnever have the chance to meet someone else. its so frustrating. and heartbreaking too.. why can't men understand this feeling woman have about carrying a baby. he says "why dont we addopt or foster" and i say we cant afford to adopt! it costs a lot of money wheich we dont have. plus i LOVED being pregnant..

i think that the overwhelming feeling of being a parent is the biggest thing for dad's..we said at fisrt.if i can have summers off then maybe.. what a bunch off bullshit. i said get me pregnant and you can do whatever you want! ill be a single momma! i just want more babies!

but it isnt right. elwynn loves his dad and i dont want to break up a family for my own selfish needs..

sorry i dont have any advice, but there others in the same situation.. i hope that we can all figure it out and be happy with the decisions we make.

 

[OTMomma]

MamaFern- Why doesn't your dh want more kids? If he's willing to adopt it sounds like he doesn't dislike kids, so what is it?
My dh said for a while he'd rather adopt than have to deal with the stress of me being pregnant and going through labor, but with lots of talking we worked through that. He also at one point was concerned about his genes not being good enough (that our child would later resent him for his poor genes he passed on). I told him that I didn't really think that was a decision we could make, and we discussed faith, God and why people are like they are. (He does not have something life threatening, btw).

Anyway, if you can figure out exactly what his problem is, then you can discuss it with him fully. And you might be able to help him see that another child would be good for all of you. But I'd start with trying to completely understand his position, it gives you a good place to work from.

 

[MamaFern]

he has many reasons..

1. the world is already over populated..which i agree with and i wish that people who cant take care of their children didnt have them....but it doesnt make me want to have my own kids any less..even though i think its sad that there are so many kids without homes. us not having another baby isnt going to solve that problem.
2.we dont always get along, so having more babies would probably just be even harder.
3. hes 20 and he wants to be a travelling hippie bum who never has to do anything he doesnt want to do. even though he loves elwynn 200% the thought of having more responsability is crazy to him...but i say im willing to do 100% of the work if thats what he wants..
4.after the "revolution" he will have as many kids as he can.. ( i really dont get that one)

he's a dreamer..i guess it never occured to him to be a dad before i got pregnant so to plan more to him is just weird.

when i see pregnant woman or woman with new babies instead of it making me smile, which it always used to, it makes me want to cry.. its so sad.

 

[MilkyMamaGoat]

I guess I'm glad to know that I'm not alone, although I certainly wish for you all that you weren't in my same boat. Today was really hard because I am ovulating. My heart already wants a baby enough; it doesn't help anything when my hormones are telling me to want one too.

I haven't mentioned wanting a baby for a week and a day. When I did mention it, last Thursday when dh got home from therapy, we had a big fight. I'm beginning to wonder if writing a letter to my dh would help. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't hear what I'm saying because he's so much in his own head thinking about his own life plans and dreams.

I have tried just getting dh to agree to a time so that I at least know I won't be in this state of limbo forever, but he won't. That's what we did last time, though. It was August, and we agreed to start trying the following August. But then we ended up starting in May (and getting pregnant right away) because dh said it was okay. But he won't agree to any month or year or anything at this point. I don't think he really wants another baby, but he will agree to it because he knows how much I want one.

I wish I had married a man who wanted children the way that I do.

Leaf and Larkin are asking to nurse, so I gotta run. But, please keep responses coming. Especially if anyone has said or done something that's made a difference, I'd love to know what it was!

Thanks!

Jolie

 

[lotusdebi]

*

 

[MamaFern]

jolie

i love your kids names!

i already know this little soul who wants into my family. i think thats why its so hard!

you know the thing that i hate most about this is...men can try to control us in so many ways, but this is one thing that they can truly hold over us..

i know this is evil.. but..i was thinking of ways to get sperm. like use condoms that dont have spermacide and then take the sperm..

my dh doesnt use condoms he just pulls out..so i figure eventually im going to get pregnant anyways, because its not a very affective way to prevent babies..so why doesnt he just let me have the friggin baby when i want it

*has a temper tantrum*

i feel like a kid in a candy store and my mom wont let me have what i want..

 

[mountain]

Sounds like a power play that could easily get out of control...this is really hard to go through mamas...

Show him this thread. Have someone be with the babies while you go out to a beautiful serene place & talk. Let him know your feelings. If your partners aren't willing to have some sort of compromise with you, that would be a time to really look at the control issues in your relationships---

 

[thismama]

I'm wondering if there is a way for you to have your babies, and for your partners to not parent. Mama Fern's last post touched on this I think?

I don't know how it would work practically speaking. I am reading this thread, and thinking gee I am lucky because I am coparenting with a friend, so even if he doesn't want another babe that doesn't limit my life choices. It would get complex if one of my babes has a papa and the other doesn't... perhaps I could coparent with another friend? Maybe a mama who also wants a babe but doesn't want to do it all alone. Then your family could be like a blended family... one kid has a parent they don't live with. Or both kids have a parent they don't live with,if you wanted to set up a seperate resdience from your partner.

A bit out there perhaps, and would involve major restructuring of how you see your families if you are doing the nuclear thing. But if the option is either to leave the relationship, or to possibly never have the baby you want, might be worth considering?

 

[Alison]

I'm in a similar place to many of you. After DS was born, Dh decided we only needed one child, even though we'd always wanted two. I'm working on him, slowly, I think eventually he'll come around.

I just wanted to point something out here though. Many of you mamas and your SOs are so young! You have lots of baby years left. People grow and change, and you have time to let your SOs come around to the idea. I know everyone says that children should be close in age so that they'll get along better but my DH and his brother are 7 years apart, and they are so, so close! I am 22 mos and 38 mos older than my siblings, and we do not and never have got along as well as DH and his brother.

Don't despair, your partners will come around, as mine will. Plus, if you're not using birth control, then they may say they aren't ready, but really, they're just abdicating responsibility. This way they can say in the future if things don't work out, hey you're the one who wanted this baby. Which also means they get to enjoy the beauty of a new baby without having to actually admit that they want it.

Alison

 

[MamaFern]

thismama..thats exactly what im talking about! ive always kinda been more into girls than boys but my partner and i met and then elwynn happened (and it was a wonderful surprise!) and we do love eachother..but i never really thought that i'd be in a het relationship with my kids dad..i always sort of planned to get pregnant and run off with my best friend and we would have and raise our kids together..except that she fell in love with a man and moved to holand, so... you can't ever really plan these things can you...

ive considered talking to some of my gay friends to see if they wanna be dads..becuse i know lots who do want to be dads some day.....but then i asked my partner "if the baby wasn't yours would you shun it? "no" and would love it? "probably" would you still be in our lives and would you still want to co-parent" and he said "yes"..so i said "so why dont we just have another baby together!" it would be way less complicated this way!

we talked about it all again last night and he doesnt really take me seriosly. he thinks its just my hormones talking. he isn't mean about it, well sometimes he is..but mostly he is just on a very different page.

i would love to find someone else to have a baby with and co-parent with..but then would we live with elwynn's pappa too..?
ak .it gets complicated! how do you do it?

 

[Charles Baudelaire]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MilkyMamaGoat I haven't mentioned wanting a baby for a week and a day. When I did mention it, last Thursday when dh got home from therapy, we had a big fight. I'm beginning to wonder if writing a letter to my dh would help. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't hear what I'm saying because he's so much in his own head thinking about his own life plans and dreams.

Hon, I am not trying to be mean or harsh, but the one who is not hearing what the other one is saying is you.

He has told you about as clearly as men ever do that he does not want another baby. It sounds like he was somewhat ambivalent about #1, and when #1 turned out to be #1 and #2, I think he decided at whatever point that he was all done.

When he tells you he has to do X, Y, and Z first before he considers it, what he's telling you is, "I don't want another baby, but I also don't want to start a big, fat fight by saying 'no' in so many words." That is why he will not commit to a timeline and why the pressure from you about it caused a fight.

Let me say it again: he is telling you no.

Just as it wouldn't be fair for *him* to repeatedly ask *you* about having another one if you didn't want one, it's not fair the other way around either.

Quote:

I have tried just getting dh to agree to a time so that I at least know I won't be in this state of limbo forever, but he won't. That's what we did last time, though. It was August, and we agreed to start trying the following August. But then we ended up starting in May (and getting pregnant right away) because dh said it was okay. But he won't agree to any month or year or anything at this point. I don't think he really wants another baby, but he will agree to it because he knows how much I want one.

If you do this, you will be putting your marriage in jeopardy. This is not "I'll get her a new car so she'll get off my back," or "I'll do the laundry so she'll stop bugging me about it." This is the creation of a new life -- and more to the point, a new financial, personal, spiritual, and time-consuming new life -- and he's not taking this lightly. He doesn't want to be the father of more than two children. I'm not asking this to be mean, and it's not a rhetorical question either: Why is your desire to have a child more important than his desire not to have more?

If you had no kids at all, I'd be more sympathetic, especially if he'd said before you married that he wanted kids and then backed out of it later. I'd feel more sympathetic if you had one kid and wanted another so they would play together (never a sure thing, BTW, but for the moment, I'll accept it as a done deal), but that's not the case here.

I'm fairly sure, your twins being only two, that *they* have not expressed a desire for a sibling, so basically, this is all coming from you. You even said: "...knows how much I want one."

The thing is, marriage and motherhood are about generously choosing to put other people's desires and needs in front of yours for a significant portion of the time. Not ALL of the time, not when it would hurt you, but a great, huge chunk of the time, it means that whatever the COUPLE decides has got to benefit the family collectively *first* before it benefits any specific individual in the family. I'm not sure the addition of another child would do that. Your husband doesn't want it, your kids don't know enough about it, and it sounds like money might be tight(er) if you did it.

Quote:

I wish I had married a man who wanted children the way that I do.

Well, I'm sorry for your situation, but it sure doesn't sound like this guy's an ogre -- only someone who's happy with what he has.

 

[thismama]

Hi MamaFern -

Well how I do it is my dear friend (who is a gay man) and I decided to have a babe together, and co-parent her. We are both queer, both wanted a babe, we both loved and trusted each other, and decided to undertake this crazy journey together.

We inseminated at home, using a 10cc syringe we bought from the local farm supply store. And eureka! I got pregnant. Found out how to do it so it would work from a book called the Ultimate Lesbian Guide to Parenting by Rachel Pepper (not sure of exact title? I think this is it... ULG part for sure, and author for sure).

We live next door to each other, and dd stayed with me almost all the time in the beginning, except to go for daily walks with her papa. He also cooked me supper 6 nights/week, then 5, then that stopped when dd got to be about 6 mos and I got a roommate (my ex partner moved in with me) so I wasn't hurting for company anymore. Her papa now has her 5 mornings and 3 evenings per week, as well as 1 overnight (he wants 2 o/n's with her but I am not ready!). We do AP stuff, she is a nurse-a-holic, co-sleeps, and gets carried lots).

It hasn't been perfect, and was especially really hard in the beginning. I ws kind of naive about the demands of parenting, as was he, and we agreed to "do everything 50/50". :LOL We are much better now but in retrospect I would have negotiated "I do the nursing, you do the diapers", and much more care/support of me in early days. What he did do, he did with some resentment becoz he hadn't imagined co-parenting as taking care of me, he wanted to do direct childcare, but dd was attached to my boob all the time and I needed some freakin support!

As I said, it's much better now, and this shift really started when dd was about 6 mos old and able to better interact with her father, and when I got some support apart from him (was new to city really, and didn't have lots of other community).

As for the future who knows? We might just have one child, might coparent another, or I might have another child with someone else. Neither of us have made up our minds, ex except that neither wants another until dd is at least 3 or so.

My only caution (apart from pre-negotiating mama support in the coparenting agreement) would be to THINK HARD about who you coparent with, KNOW them and TRUST them, becoz they will be spending lots of 1on1 time with your babe, likely without you around. I was so naive going in as I said, and I thank my lucky stars that I have this level of trust with my dd's father. Of course being a mama already this probably doesn't need to be said. I hadn't parenting before, and didn't know the intense love, or the baby's extreme openness and vulnerability.

Alison - good to hear a + experience with siblings across age difference. I have been worried avout this coz not sure if I want a babe in the next few years or not, but also concerned about the sibling relationship. Nice to hear about your partner and his brother.

 

[MamaFern]

thank you for sharing yoir story. its inspiring..sometimes i think it would be easier to be a single parent..but i want my kid(s) to have a dad since i didnt really have one in my life and still don't..

co-parenting isnt easy..because everyone is so different but i think its really good for parents to be able to give a little because having a well rounded outlook on the world and life is important. somtimes i think i try to control the raising too much, but if i stand back and watch elwynn's pappa really is great..different from me but great too.

so thanks again.

 

[OTMomma]

Mamafern- I have reread your posts and I have to say, that I am pretty sure your SO's problem, is that he's 20. He can tell you all the reasons in the world, but it sounds like at 20 he's just not ready to have a second child. He may become ready in a year or 2, 20 is just young. And I really think you should give him a little time to grow up before you decide you need to involve another man to create a child with, because that would make your life much more complicated. I empathize that it is really hard to feel ready for a baby and have to put that on hold for a little while. But with the method of birth control you are using, it will probably happen, when it is meant to happen. Until then, I really think you should consider giving him a year or 2 to grow up a little.
It does mean reconsidering some of your ideas about child spacing, your career ideas and some of your other expectations of life, but I think its really good to take out these ideas we create of what we think life will be and re-examine them. In my experience, life NEVER turns out the way you plan it, and that's not bad.

Peace to you.

 

[zinemama]

Wow, Charles Baudelaire, great post!!

OT, I hope you read what she had to say very, very carefully, because I think she is right on the mark. Your dh is making it perfectly plain that he doesn't want another baby. And I can understand why, as well. It sounds as if you have your path in life all planned out - when you're going back to work, etc, but he has yet to do this for himself. If I were in your shoes, I'd be way more concerned that dh has been planning to get his act together for 6 years and has failed to do so than with having another child. If I were you I would put your energies as a couple toward getting this man into grad school and on track with where he wants to be. I would be willing to bet that once he has some direction and feels as though he is accomplishing what he wants to in life, he may be willing to entertain the idea of another child.

Yes, this would mean waiting awhile. But that's not all bad. I have 2 kids three years apart, and let me tell you, once that baby was born, my relationship with my first was never the same. I don't have the time for him that I used to, it's not just me and my little buddy anymore the way it was...What I'm saying is, savor this time with your twins. A 3yo is not very understanding of a new baby, but I'd bet a 6 or 7 year old would be thrilled. Yes, you may have to rearrange that picture you'd planned for yourself, but as CB said, this marriage is not all about you. Best of luck.

 

[MamaFern]

yep, he is young..but he's a great and dedicated dad too..so its hard not to want more! thanks for your input.