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My births were actually pretty awesome by many standards, at home, I did transport after the first for a pretty significant repair and that was a nightmare, but anyway I just don't know where else to get support for my current dilemma. I lost my uterus 3 years ago after many many efforts to heal it and nurture it. Post op, it turned out I had Adenomyosis - kind of like endometriosis but it stays within the wall of the uterus. I am in a new wonderful relationship and I want to be able to have a baby soooo badly. On the other hand, I am struggling with my mental health on a pretty serious level and it would be CRAZY (pardon the pun) to have another baby any time soon. I look at all the what ifs, would I be willing to have a child at 40 if I am doing well in 5 years, and we can afford a surrogate or something? My honey would be 46. This is a frequent ache/inner turmoil for me and I just don't know what to do with it. Can't predict the future. Can't grow another uterus and have a 'whoopsy' besides my mom threatened to personally fly out here to take me to get an abortion if I ever did get pregnant again if it happened to be an issue, which sans uterus it isn't. (she's a little overwhelmed by flying out here for my 'other' hospitalizations)

Besides all that, I still want to be a midwife and I feel like by the time I get it together, now that I finally have a proper diagnosis, I have to choose one or the other. Ouch, man!

And then there are my 2 children that I adore and still need as much mothering as I can muster, why do I need another? I have 2 fabulous adorable sweet babies...that I was too sick to mother most of the time. My exh ignored me and never got me care, so I went with out treatment for a long time. I think I feel a lot of guilt over that and perhaps it feeds my desire for a baby, so I can 'get it right'. Despite my illness, My kids know I love them, they are very affectionate, love to learn and read, play well together and with others ugh I don't know. My daughter is mini mom and my son has anger issues.
 

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to you mama. I hope you feel better soon. I think it's harder to get a surrogate after 40 unless you use donor eggs.
 

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So....grieve the loss of your uterus and the part of your 'fertility' that meant having babies....these are big losses indeed. And in the eventual passing of that grief, maybe your thoughts and feelings will clear, on the topic of surrogacy or some way to have another child. Or at least, maybe you can more fully claim the REST of your fertility--the creative core of you that will not bring more human children into the world, but can surely bring you joy and satisfaction through all the other forms of creativity you have yet to live.

Congratulations on surviving thus far....keep on trucking!
 
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