[Mal85]

Not sure if this is the place to post this, but seemed appropriate.

Last year, I had my daughter and 2 months later I graduated from college and started baby sitting in my home. Right now, I keep my 2 nephews- 18 months old and 2 months old- as well as a one year old and a 2 year old. I also have another 18 month old that may start part time. My goal has always been to do it here for a little while, then a couple of people I graduated with are in on starting it up as an actual business. We thought we might get that accomplished in the next year, but now they are both pregnant, so it's been put off for a little while. My husband and I would also like to have another baby, hopefully pregnant within a year. So, that would push our plans back even further.

Anyway, I am so unhappy baby sitting in my home. I am short tempered during the day and I feel like I'm becoming increasingly more unhappy as time goes by. I feel like I am not able to be the kind of mother I wanted to be because I have 4 other kids here that need my attention and it makes me resent them for that. I do my best and am usually pleasant with them and play with all of them, but I'm not finding in joy in that. I know it's not their fault, so I don't want to take it out on them, they need and deserve attention just like my DD. So, I really do make an effort.

But, I never have time for housework, so the house is always a mess. I never have time for laundry. I never have time to cook dinner. I hardly have time to take a shower. I feel like if I'm the one at home, I should be able to do these things for my family. But, I can't. So, it's falling on my husband to do most of the housework and even helps me clean up after the daycare kids after they leave. All this after he's already worked a full day himself. It's not fair to him and I feel like it's not fair to my daughter. She used to seem to enjoy the company, but as she's getting older that's just not the case anymore. She's so happy on the weekends and loves to just hang out at home with her mom and dad. But during the week, she is incredibly clingy and starting to be mean to the other kids, hitting and pushing them. I can see she's not happy with them here.

Right now, financially, I have to bring in the income. I have a student loan to pay on and DH is still in an entry level position where he works and only brings in about $1380/month. But when he does get a promotion, which is a given it's just a matter of time, it will be a considerable raise with a very nice raise every year for several years. It's a promising job that he waited a very long time for and will allow him to retire w/ a pension in his mid-50's.

I want to make it work though. I'm thinking of making a proposal to him. We had planned to keep living the way we do when he gets a promotion and put the extra money towards building a house. But I've been doing some figuring and if I can hold out until he gets the promotion (should be within the year) then we might be able to make something work and still be able to save for the house. We would have to live a little more frugally than we're used to, but we can do that. If I were to just keep watching my two nephews that would be bringing in another $700/month, which would cover my student loan payment and give us a little more money to spend. And I feel like I could handle that. I'd still be able to give my daughter more attention, she could have a great relationship with her cousins, and we might actually be able to get out of the house and actually do things together. And hopefully, I'd have more energy and time to do more around the house.

I'm really just looking for advice. When you decided to be SAHMs, did your partners fight that in any way? DH knows this is important to me, I've told him over and over again that being a good mother is the most important priority in my life. I've waited for this since I was a little girl, and I have to do it well. He has dreams of what he is going to do once he's retired and wants to be able to live off the land, etc. Well, motherhood is my dream and he respects that but I don't think he fully gets it. How did you convince your partners that this was something you had to do?

ETA: Just wanted to add, I do want to keep working towards my goal of opening a learning center, so I don't think being a SAHM would be a permanent move for me. I was thinking I could present it to DH in a way that has sort of a time line. Like within a year, if I haven't kept up my end of the deal (getting more motivated with housework, cooking dinner more often, working towards my goal to open my center, etc), then we can reassess. I could either go back to what I'm doing now, or look for a job of some kind. I just feel like my heart is not in what I'm doing at this moment and it's the kind of work that needs your heart to be in it.

 

[doubledutch]

rather than dropping two of the kids, what if you keep the four children you are currently watching (and possibly add the other part-time kid) and hire either a full-time or part-time helper? if you aren't charging enough per hour, per kid, to do that - then you probably aren't charging enough. how do your rates compare to other in-home dc providers nearby? having an employee, even part time, would allow you to take 10 minutes to vacuum, load the dw, switch laundry . . . and it's in line with your long-term goal of opening a center because you are keeping your current kids and possibly adding one. once the dc moves out of your home, you could cut your hours back to part-time.

eta: it could also allow each kid to get some one-on-one time with you, away from the group. i think you could also get 5 or 6 kids out of the house with two adults, just as easily as getting 3 kids out with one adult. but i don't know whether 2 ft kids and 1 pt kid would generate enough income to deliver a net gain for you after paying the employee, or if you'd still wind up with $700 per month (or less).

 

[Chicky2]

I understand how it is when your lo isn't getting what she needs because you are watching other kids. That's why I simply cannot do it. We have made so many sacrifices over the years for me to be able to stay home with the kids. The way we do it (it's much easier now that dh's income is sooo much more than it use to be, but we struggled for YEARS) is dh works more than one job. My job doesn't end at 5 or 6, so why should his? He decided years ago to pursue some schooling to make sure that he had 1)something to fall back on in case he ever lost his job, and 2)something to use for a side job. Before he did that, he delivered pizzas on the side (that paid for 2 homebirths!). We always knew that an every week part time job would be short term, in the long run. Now he has a regular gig once a month and then in the summer he works ALOT. But we sock back the extra and just enjoy the slow seasons. It has always been very important to both of us that I remain at home w/the children. We are pretty traditional that way.

Would your dh be willing to get a part time job? Or if you learn the tricks of frugality, you can live for lots less for a time (like you said, w/only watching your nephews). Good luck!