[jbird4art]

I need help. So far we have been cs with my 3 mo. dd and i would like to continue too, but dh has been pressuring to have her in crib by 6 mo., and im having a hard time defending my point with him. has anyone had similar circumanstances. Im into the all natural way, breastfeeding, babywearing, co sleeping, but hes more "mainstream" and thinks i have to get her used to strollers and taking a bottle and sleeping by herself. i feel as if im constantly defending my ways with him.dont get me wrong, hes a great guy but sometimes i feel alone in this "modernized" world. any helpful suggestions??

 

[MsMoMpls]

I would just ignore it for awhile. He may not realise just how little 6 months is. If he pushes, ask him to handle it. One compromise that worked for us, was putting the baby in his crib to start the night, moving to our bed for the first nursing. You might want to find out what his real concern is... does he think you will get more sleep? Not necessarily. Does he want more intimacy with you? That seems fair but that isn't about cribs. Also, daddies need to know that their opinion is considered in raising their children, so just find out what he thinks and why before shutting him down. Having a healthy partnership is more important for your children than where they sleep.

 

[sapphire_chan]

Does he have reasons beyond "she needs to *learn* to sleep in a crib"? If not, the answer's fairly easy, "why does she need to learn to sleep in a crib if she's never going to?".

I suspect there's more to it than that, however.

 

[gratefulbambina]

I would state that you dont want to have your sleep interupted & its easier for you to nurse & catch some sleep at the same time then getting out of bed to nurse.

 

[gratefulbambina]

or tell him that he can get out of bed & bring her to you when she wakes up at night & get back up to put her back in her crib after you nurse...trust me he wont last long

 

[Marsupialmom]

I would first ask him why he doesn't want the baby in the crib. Some people are not comfortable with kids in thier bed. It could be out of ignorance.

Then find a compromise you both can live with. A side cart/crib up against your bed? Start out in the crib and you bring them in middle of the night?

Also, with a new baby we mom's are known to get lost in our mommy worlds. Make sure you are being his wife not just the mom to his child. The sleep arrangement issue can mean that your husband is feeling neglected. He wants you to be his wife. So you haveto work (sometimes hard) on keeping a balance. He loves you and keeping a strong healthy marriage only betters for the baby. You might find that if you find a period of time you can put the baby down (maybe evening nap or get the baby to sleep and get up) and have a simple eye to eye converstaion with him very building to your relationship. This means turn off the TV and the computer. Ask him how his day went. Tell him what the baby did today. Try to keep the conversation positive so you both end up with warm loving feelings. Your job is to make this momment to know he has your attention (focus). Ussually he pays it back in some way.

As much as my dh loves sleeping with the kids he also wants to occassional roll over and spoon with me. I bet your dh would love it if you put yourself in the middle and said I love you. Can you do this?

 

[aisraeltax]

i can relate to this and for now it isnt really an issue. if dh wants to purchase a bedside crib that atttaches to our bed, i will be up for that (and sneak ds in during the night. he he!!!). however, i dont think dh is going to spring for that and instead i think i am going to stick an extra twin bed next to ours in order to give him more room (that is his major gripe).
i think that some mamas forget sometimes that our dh do not frequent this board (or not many at least) and are not exposed to the info we are. i know my dh is getting a bit overwhelmed wtih the info i have bombarded him with since frinding mdc (cd's, no vax, etc.).
i agree with the previous poster...we need to recognize the father's rights to have a say in how our children are raised. i think most of them will make a good decision with mams if they are equipped with knowledge. my dh is very educated and will not simply accept a position as "fact" simply because i say it. like me, he wants back up information for my position. e.g., my "new" idea of delaying mandatory vaccinations in NH....he doesnt necessarily want to disagree with me but he wants to know WHY i want to do it.
as for the stroller and bottle, why does your dd need to get used to those if you are going to be using them?
its hard for some mainstream dh's to appreciate that they have been brainwashed into believing that raising a child includes cribs, pacifiers, strollers and bottles. please dont get me wrong...we are buying a crib (dont know why, other than decoration) and will probably use bottles breastmilk after i go back to work...but that isnt everyone's deal. i dont want to push a stroller around but know many mamas who love them.
good luck with your compromise with dh...b/c in the end, thats what it will be if you have a good marriage. i have to say i learned this lesson the hard way...i used to think i had all the answers and that i just needed to "make" him see that i was right. after much pain, i still think i am right! lol! but now i take the time to get his opinion and try to compromise with him on issues such as this.
good luck!
Rach

 

[aidansmom05]

Wow! For a minute, I thought I had written that post. Actually, a few weeks or so ago, I wrote a post almost exactly the same. Our DS is 5 1/2 months now, and DH kept saying the same exact thing. He still occassionally says things about it, but he knows it is easier for me to nurse the baby and get much needed sleep. Aidan also has enlarged adenoids so I keep him close to monitor it. We go to a specialist in a few weeks. I know first DH said it was about having no room, but the main reason ended up him being jealous and missing his time with his wife. My DH confessed and said that he is afraid that Aidan will not ever move out of our room, and will be sleeping in here when he is 10 years old. Assure him that the baby will someday have his own bed, but that while he is young he should be there with you guys. DH used to say that he needs to be in his crib now, that was a few months ago and even about a month ago, but he knows we sleep better. In fact, just the other day he said that He wants him in his own room by the time he is 1. Well i consider that making progress! I will take that for now...until he says 2 years old lol.

 

[Marsupialmom]

Another thought about the bottle. Shortly, actually even now, you can put a small amount of ebm in a cup and give your child sips. I know working moms that have done this because their babies refuse bottles. Whow him how to do it. When he ask why tell him you don't want to waste money on bottles that you would wean from edventually. Just skipping an annoying step. LOL.

I wouldn't even discuss the strollor. Just grab the sling and complain about the strollor being a pain to pull in and out. Actually, I remember we found the strollor more usefull for jackets and packages than babies, most of the time.

 

[catholicapmom]

I told my dh that babies belong next to mommy, not in a crib and that if he wants me to be nice to him during the day then I need my sleep. Which means co-sleeping since nursing is easier that way. Sometimes it doesn't bother him, but if she's keeping him up he'll sleep on the couch.

 

[TinkerBelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom I would first ask him why he doesn't want the baby in the crib. Some people are not comfortable with kids in thier bed. It could be out of ignorance. Then find a compromise you both can live with. A side cart/crib up against your bed? Start out in the crib and you bring them in middle of the night? Also, with a new baby we mom's are known to get lost in our mommy worlds. Make sure you are being his wife not just the mom to his child. The sleep arrangement issue can mean that your husband is feeling neglected. He wants you to be his wife. So you haveto work (sometimes hard) on keeping a balance. He loves you and keeping a strong healthy marriage only betters for the baby. You might find that if you find a period of time you can put the baby down (maybe evening nap or get the baby to sleep and get up) and have a simple eye to eye converstaion with him very building to your relationship. This means turn off the TV and the computer. Ask him how his day went. Tell him what the baby did today. Try to keep the conversation positive so you both end up with warm loving feelings. Your job is to make this momment to know he has your attention (focus). Ussually he pays it back in some way. As much as my dh loves sleeping with the kids he also wants to occassional roll over and spoon with me. I bet your dh would love it if you put yourself in the middle and said I love you. Can you do this?

I think this is the best response. Some ladies think that the man has no rights or should have no say at all. That is not right, nor healthy for a marriage. Great post!

 

[jenP]

I'm sure husbands sometimes feel left out or like they "lost" their wife when the baby comes along, but I don't think it has anything to do with where the baby sleeps. Babies just need care and attention all the time and naturally we can't be so attentive to other (older and more independent) members of the household when there's a tiny helpless one that really, really needs us.
But, often babies go to sleep before the grownups are ready to so you could put the baby to bed and then catch some alone time with spouse. Remind him that if when you come down from putting baby to bed, if the place is straightened a little and the dishes are done and he is not zoned in front of the tv or computer, then there is a much greater chance you can have some nice time together.
Good luck.
Jen

 

[jbird4art]

so many great replies. DH has expressed some concerns about being left out and that all i ever have time for is baby.

Quote:

Also, with a new baby we mom's are known to get lost in our mommy worlds. Make sure you are being his wife not just the mom to his child. The sleep arrangement issue can mean that your husband is feeling neglected. He wants you to be his wife. So you haveto work (sometimes hard) on keeping a balance.

I thought that was a great point, i probably have been in mommy world

Quote:

i have to say i learned this lesson the hard way...i used to think i had all the answers and that i just needed to "make" him see that i was right. after much pain, i still think i am right! lol! but now i take the time to get his opinion and try to compromise with him on issues such as this.

I will say i have been guilty of wanting to make him see that i am right, so i think i will heed that advice and try to remember that. In the end i think its more about validating his feelings and letting him be a part of the decisions and that his opinion counts too - its just hard to control those overprotective "mommy" feelings. thanks all for the outside unbiased views . . . . .

 

[mistymama]

Educate him. Give him as many links and books to read as he can take. I strongly believe that once educated on AP, most people will choose it ... "mainstream" is just because they don't know any other way, or have misconceptions about how their baby will turn out if parented in a more natural, gentle way.

I'm going through this now .. I'm a single Mom of a wonderful almost 3 year old little boy. I'm dating a great man who loves us both, but has no kids and only knows "mainstream" ways of doing things. He's reading, learning and accepting AP. I've told him very clearly that AP, GD, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, etc are non-negotiable to me and the more he learns, the more he accepts and is participating in AP parenting with me.

Good luck, I'm sure it's hard to educate someone *after* having a baby. In a way, I'm very glad we are working through this now before we have any children of our own.

 

[Alkenny]

Educate and compromise...find out his reasoning, state your points and then try and find a compromise (be it side-carring the crib or whatever).

 

[Thorey]

some men I think feel emasculated by co-sleeping. My husband did. I think some men have this idea of "the marriage bed" as a symbol of masculinity and if you don't sleep with your wife you're not sleeping with her or if there's a baby in b/w there's no lovin' goin' on- that was my husband's problem and he wasn't able to get over it. Maybe make him feel really sexy go out of your way and he'll forget about his problem with co-sleeping- distractions are always good....

mine also got jealous too about how strong my bond was with my babe- i tried to let him hang out alone with her- that helped and I tried hard not to criticize him- this was hard when she seemed distressed but he needs to bond with her too. I also reminded him that it isn't about who wins it's about what's best for our child. He still feels like he wants more of a say with her and it's a struggle that we're working on- just thought I'd share- I'm in the same boat and eventually had to get more mainstream to keep harmony in my marriage. Just want you to know you're not alone and it's not easy when two parents have different styles. I'm considering couple's therapy personally.

 

[jbird4art]

yes, thorey, he definately equates co sleeping with no loving, but that is more exhaustion from baby than from co sleeping. I must say though that a little more sexiness would definately appease his worries. Although on a positive note, ive noticed that he is definately starting to appreciate waking up with her, and quite often when i leave to go to the bathroom or get a drink in the night/morning and shes fussing that he will grab her and slide her over to him and cuddle. He also spends time talking to her in the morning. so as much as he might not have agreed w/ cs in the beginning I am beginning to see that its actually bonding him in a way im not sure hes used too. sometimes i think he argues against it just to tease me/get some attention - and not so much b/c hes against it.
gratefulbambina

Quote:

or tell him that he can get out of bed & bring her to you when she wakes up at night & get back up to put her back in her crib after you nurse...trust me he wont last long

I asked him if he would be willing to do that and he said sure . . . on fridays and saturdays when he doesnt have to work

so im guessing that just like aidansmom05 said in her situation, that once 6 months rolls around she just might still be in our bed

 

[IncaMama]

yup...i think you'll be surprised. my dh went from being a bit uncertain to absolutely loving it. now that we've been slooowly making the transition to rowan's "big boy bed", dh is miserable about it. he insists that we bring him into bed when we go to bed every night instead of letting rowan stay in his big boy bed. LOL poor thing. i'll bet a million bucks that in a year you'll be saying the same thing!

 

[jenP]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jbird4art yes, thorey, he definately equates co sleeping with no loving, but that is more exhaustion from baby than from co sleeping.

Yep, everyone I know that has had a baby experiences a steep drop off in the loving department, and almost all of them have the baby in a crib, so it's not because of cosleeping.

Jen

 

[newbymom05]

My DH is/was the same way and it has caused friction at times since in some ways I'm crunchier. In my DH's case, I think the main problem is not his own personal preferences but those around him. He was raised in a *very* mainstream family and they are chock-full of advice like not spoiling our 5 mo' old, making him sleep in his own room, giving him solids, etc.

--basically the opposite of everything we're actually doing.

Also, I thinks it sucks for him (and maybe most men) because when I doubt my parenting choices I go to great websites like MDC or attend a LLL meeting and get reassurance. Poor DH goes to work and mentions the fact that he got no sleep last night and (based on what he tells me) his coworkers are like, "Aren't you CIO yet...he's in your BED...? Can't you give him a bottle..." "You're still b'feeding?" and other dopey comments that make him feel like an alien.

I try to relate lots of stories I hear or read online and point out that 9/10 times the people who give us advice either have bratty kids or have values very different from ours. I found a local AP meeting in my area (http://www.attachmentparenting.org/) that welcomes DHs and I'm going to try to drag him to one just so he can see that AP'ers and their kids are just as *normal* as anyone else!