[Mama_RJ]

I've decided H is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He has a sour personality and is incredibly negative. He is snippy all the time, rude to our kids, and I just can't stomach it any more (he's already on anti-depressants, so I guess this is apparently as good as it gets). We've been married for 10 years -- WAY too long!

So... now what? I expect he will not handle the news graciously and I will need to be prepared to leave the day I tell him, just in case. I have family nearby for temporary housing. I've started keeping a log of his extreme angry outbursts and put-downs towards the kids. I'm a SAHM and have no income, but my former employer might be willing to work out a part-time arrangement. What else should I be getting in order? We just bought a house a couple weeks ago and H could never afford the mortgage plus child support (nor could I afford the mortgage even working full time). It needs lots of cosmetic fixing before it could be sold again. I'm thinking I'll go stay with family, he can stay and fix the house up, then we sell it and split the profit. I don't know if he'd go along with it, but it sounds like a good plan, LOL!

I appreciate any tips on how to get prepared, and expect this will be the first of many questions along these lines!

 

[Goodmom2008]

Whatever you do, don't leave the house. Because if you do, he can get a court order that says the children stay in the house.

Before anyone leaves, the issue of custody and support needs to be addressed.

 

[hotmamacita]

Quote:

Originally Posted by maddiethecat I've decided H is not the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. He has a sour personality and is incredibly negative. He is snippy all the time, rude to our kids, and I just can't stomach it any more (he's already on anti-depressants, so I guess this is apparently as good as it gets). We've been married for 10 years -- WAY too long! So... now what? I expect he will not handle the news graciously and I will need to be prepared to leave the day I tell him, just in case. I have family nearby for temporary housing. I've started keeping a log of his extreme angry outbursts and put-downs towards the kids. I'm a SAHM and have no income, but my former employer might be willing to work out a part-time arrangement. What else should I be getting in order? We just bought a house a couple weeks ago and H could never afford the mortgage plus child support (nor could I afford the mortgage even working full time). It needs lots of cosmetic fixing before it could be sold again. I'm thinking I'll go stay with family, he can stay and fix the house up, then we sell it and split the profit. I don't know if he'd go along with it, but it sounds like a good plan, LOL! I appreciate any tips on how to get prepared, and expect this will be the first of many questions along these lines!

You really ought to consult an attorney and/or a counselor prior to making any decisions.

 

[BelovedK]

Don't leave the house!!!!

 

[Mama_RJ]

Thank you for the advice. I didn't realize that moving out with the kids would be a bad step (it sounds fantastic to me

). So, when I tell H that I want a divorce/separation/whatever, and he says he's not leaving, then what? We have to co-habitat until things are sorted out legally? Ugh. I expect he's going to be pretty nasty.

He doesn't have family nearby and wouldn't be able to afford our mortgage plus an apartment. I'd have to rent out part of my house (it's a big house, I wouldn't mind having a roommate) to help cover expenses. I have no idea how we'd make it work with me and the kids still in the house.

I did start seeing a counselor last week, but we're not a very good match, both scheduling-wise and her approach. I have a call in to another... it is hard to find someone around here who is accepting new patients or who doesn't have a many-month waiting list.

H is going to start asking questions about us soon, and I'm going to need to have answers. He's already wondering when we're going to have sex again. GAG! I just can't make myself go there. I can barely look him in the eyes, let alone be intimate. I guess I'll start looking around for a lawyer too.

Thanks!

 

[NolaRiordan]

Quote:

Originally Posted by maddiethecat Thank you for the advice. I didn't realize that moving out with the kids would be a bad step (it sounds fantastic to me ). So, when I tell H that I want a divorce/separation/whatever, and he says he's not leaving, then what? We have to co-habitat until things are sorted out legally? Ugh. I expect he's going to be pretty nasty.

Yep, you could likely end up cohabitating for a long time if he refuses to go. We had to do this for 9 months. It was absolutely miserable and I still don't really know how I got through it. You can file for "sole use of the residence" to force him out. AFAIK that's your only option if he doesn't want to leave.

 

[hotmamacita]

Quote:

Originally Posted by maddiethecat Thank you for the advice. I didn't realize that moving out with the kids would be a bad step (it sounds fantastic to me ). So, when I tell H that I want a divorce/separation/whatever, and he says he's not leaving, then what? We have to co-habitat until things are sorted out legally? Ugh. I expect he's going to be pretty nasty. He doesn't have family nearby and wouldn't be able to afford our mortgage plus an apartment. I'd have to rent out part of my house (it's a big house, I wouldn't mind having a roommate) to help cover expenses. I have no idea how we'd make it work with me and the kids still in the house. I did start seeing a counselor last week, but we're not a very good match, both scheduling-wise and her approach. I have a call in to another... it is hard to find someone around here who is accepting new patients or who doesn't have a many-month waiting list. H is going to start asking questions about us soon, and I'm going to need to have answers. He's already wondering when we're going to have sex again. GAG! I just can't make myself go there. I can barely look him in the eyes, let alone be intimate. I guess I'll start looking around for a lawyer too. Thanks!

I do not understand how you think he is going to take it well that you are telling him 1) you want a divorce and 2) you want him to move out soon. If my husband came to me and told me those two things, I would be offended and upset. There is no way that I would leave my home just because he wanted a divorce, especially if I just bought it. If he was initiating a divorce? He could leave.

I think you need to seek legal and personal counsel before you do anything however. Perhaps even marriage counseling. That might be a safe place for you to tell him how you feel and how you experience him.

 

[Mama_RJ]

Quote:

Originally Posted by hotmamacita I do not understand how you think he is going to take it well

Not taking it well is fine. Being offended, upset, tears, angry... all fine. I wouldn't really expect otherwise. However, he doesn't handle or express those emotions maturely and I suspect he might get volatile. Punching walls, slamming doors, saying bad things about me to DS, being ultra rude/mean... not so fine.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hotmamacita If he was initiating a divorce? He could leave

I agree -- that's why I'm totally prepared to leave. If he wants to stay in our new house, be my guest. It sounds like I can't/shouldn't leave though until custody and support are set. That could be a long time from now!

 

[jaye88]

That was the first thing my lawyer told me -- don't leave the house until custody is settled. It sucks, but I get away for weekends and evenings as much as I can, with DD. If you have family to stay with, go for long weekends, etc., but don't move yet. I dream about the day DD and I will be out of there, in our own place...