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DS is 3 1/2 yo and my DD is now 8mo. DS has been going through a bit of a rough patch lately. I assume a lot of it has to do with DD coming in the picture. Though, I try to not take away from my time with him, it does happen inevitably. He's gotten to this point where he just seems really sad. He'll start making baby noises, frown, whimper, curl his bottom lip, etc. Don't get me wrong, he has plenty of happy moments too, but overall he just seems to have these sad moments more and more.<br>
I feel like a lot of it has to do with how many "no's" he hears during the day. So I've been trying to find ways to say "yes" more often but a lot of the things he does, I feel like I can't say "yes" to.<br>
Lately, he is constantly tackling or smothering his sister. He doesn't do it to be violent, he's just trying to play with her. I've tried to show him gentle ways to play with her but then five minutes later, she's screeching because he's holding her and not letting her play. This happens so much, I feel like half my day is just stopping him from hurting her.<br>
Other times, he's damaging things - like today, he decided to ride his car on our wood table, and got scratches on it. Redirection works at times, but other times, he just says "No!" and that's it. He doesn't want to listen to any other alternatives. At that point, I find myself having to physically remove him from the thing he is damaging.<br>
When we have to leave somewhere, he has to go through different "rituals" before he gets in the carseat. Like he has to ride his bike around the car, and I have to stand in a certain place, etc. I try to let it go for as long as possible, but then DD starts screaming in her carseat and other times, we are really running late for something. Then I have to tell him that I need him to get in the seat and he can make a choice, either I carry him, or he can get in himself.<br>
Regardless of my intentions to say "yes" more often, I feel like I'm constantly in the negative. Please help me find more creative ways to deal with this so he doesn't have to be the recipient to so much negative feedback.
 

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Taking notes! I also feel like I say no all too often. I hope some one has great ideas. Your not alone.
 

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What I've done is just say, "Yes," and THEN figure out a way to make it happen. Because, even, when I'm struggling to figure it out my kids are seeing that I really am trying for them, you know? That seems to go so far!<br><br>
Sometimes, it's not so much about answering a question with yes, but dealing with behavior that's already happening (which sounds like your examples). In those cases, I try to stop the immediately unsafe behavior and try to name what I think the child wants to do. Then I go into that problem solving mode and see what we can come up with--and here is where I will express my concerns or fears about a situation and see if there's a way to have his/her needs met and my concerns met, too.<br><br>
So it might look like this:<br><br>
Me: Whoa! Hang on a second, ya crazy bull rider! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> [Gently stopping him from surfing on the baby.] You want to play with Baby?<br><br>
Kid: Yes!<br><br>
Me: Oh, OK. YES! Of course you can play with Baby! I bet Baby would really like that. Let's see....What would you like to play?<br><br>
Kid: Tackle! [or some other "too rough" variation of play for my comfort zone]<br><br>
Me: Tackle, huh? That DOES sound fun! My only concern is that if you REALLY tackle Baby it might hurt him/her. How could we play tackle without smooshing Baby?<br><br>
[And then lots of brainstorming and physically spotting and being silly and fully engaging in the moment.]<br><br>
Me: What about like THIS? Or THIS? Here, here....you stand like this and I'll pin down Baby and help you like this! Look, look....Baby's gonna tackle YOU now! You'd better RUN!!!!<br><br><br>
Basically, just helping the child in a really hands-on way, that not only shows them that you are really there for them, but also makes it easier to control the situation without it seeming like you're just intervening on the baby's behalf, you know?<br><br>
And even in the car situation, I've had a lot of success with, "Uh OH! Baby's crying! What should we DO? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Can you go FASTER? Can I get unglued? What should we do to help your sister?" Basically, just stating the situation that *I'm* perceiving and asking how we can deal with that in a way that still let's me do what the child wants also. (Can you wait the put the baby until after he finishes his routine?)<br><br>
Even some playfulness in that situation might help. Where you could mock being stuck where he's asked you stand yet being "pulled" to the baby's cries? "Can't. Stay. Still. Baby. Crying. Pulling. Me. To. It. Help me, Big Kid!! I'm coming unstuck!! AAAAAAHHHHH!" Then you could even unbuckle the baby while pretending you've got to get her and you back to the spot as quickly as you can. Which really, in terms of time spent, is not going to be that much more (unless you're really running late, of course), but it's really going to send the message that you hear your child's wants and you're working really hard to fulfill them. And I've found that is really the core of the issue. We all want to be heard and see that those around us are considering us.<br><br>
Anyway. Sorry to write a novel! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> Here are some links that have helped me in the past with more "yeses!"<br><br><a href="http://sandradodd.com/yes" target="_blank">http://sandradodd.com/yes</a><br><br><a href="http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changing%20parenting/alwayssayyes.html" target="_blank">http://joyfullyrejoycing.com/changin...ayssayyes.html</a><br><br><a href="http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/ginger_carlson.html" target="_blank">http://www.naturalchild.org/guest/ginger_carlson.html</a>
 

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The idea of saying 'yes!' is just to avoid saying 'no!'....it doesnt mean you 'ok' what they want to do... so if you cant or dont want to say 'yes' to something - dont say no...just say 'yes' to what you would rather have them do.<br><br>
We are going to the shops - I do not want DS to pull things off he shelves...I cant say yes to that...but to avoid saying no - how can I say yes?...well, I can tell him what I would like him to do instead. 'yes! - We can look!...yes! we can put things back where they belong...yes! we can...'<br><br>
That is just one example...But that is the gist of how you stop saying no so much and start saying 'yes!'. Because children have a good habit of zoning out the negative they hear after so long of it - and they also hear the last thing we say...so if you say 'Dont...'...they dont hear the 'dont'...they hear what follows it which to them is a 'do' lol....Dont draw on the walls! - they hear...'draw on the walls' ...So you could simply say 'Lets draw on paper only!' instead.
 

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msiddiqi - sounds like my ds and yours have some things in common. Except my ds2 is now 18 mo and this has been going on for the last 6 mo.<br><br>
monkey's mom - I love what you had to say. That so sums up what I want to be doing.<br><br>
I did want to add, from your post msiddiqi - it sounds like your ds has a more intense personality (tackling, scratching furniture with trucks) and transitions are challenges (rituals). Have you read Raising your Spirited Child? I learned so much from the idea that kids PLUS parent's personalities interact to make things work or not work. My son is also intense, reacts intensely. I'm finding that giving him something else to do that helps him release his intense feeling can help. I'll catch him gritting his teeth and about to pounce on ds2 and remind him to JUMP up, instead of on. For us, redirection only goes so far. Part of his personality is the intensness and the physicallity of his interactions. He's not going to be happy playing with cars near his brother. He still wants to be driving them AT his brother. So helping his to find an outlet for those intense moments is what I'm working on.<br><br>
I'm still working on this though -- anybody else have ideas?
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I've been meaning to respond for a few days but I can't get my words formulated properly.<br>
DS is definitely spirited... I am in the process of reading "Raising Your Spirted Child" and I was actually getting teary eyed because it just really hit the nail on the head.<br>
monkey'smom, I am trying to show him fun ways to play with DD instead of intervening so much, but he just has so much "spirit" in him he can barely stop himself to hear me. I always end up having to tear her from his arms because he is trying to roll around with her or sit on her etc. Maybe you could write some more examples of how you would handle it, I feel like I need some super doses of inspiration.<br>
DS also is having a control thing with DD now, as well as problems sharing anything with her (even when its a toy that is for both of them, for her or something of mine or DH's). He wants her to play with what he is ok with and this was fine up till now but DD is getting old enough to notice and get angry about it.<br>
DS is amazingly perceptive and I feel like all my attempts to make things fun for him, he sees right through. He knows exactly what I'm trying to do. He'll laugh etc at what I'm doing, get into the game but as we are nearing the goal (e.g. getting in the car) he stops and does the opposite of what is needed at the time. Maybe I'm not slick enough <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br>
It's so very frustrating because I'm feeling so drained now. I start the day so happy and energetic and it just takes one of these back and forth sessions to just suck the energy out of me. Then I'm cranky mommy and feel like crap for being that that.
 

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I am in the same boat as you. I have a 2.5yr old son, and a 10mth old daughter, and despite his best efforts, my daughter just isnt up to crash tackles yet!<br><br>
I will be watching this thread for more ideas, I love the ones I have heard so far.
 

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One thing that has really helped us with the tackling of the younger sib is the following...<br><br>
I play tackle with dd. We play "dd can't knock mama down" and "dd can't get past mama", whatever. She gets to tackle. She gets to expend some energy. She gets to try out the power role, etc. But it's on me, so it's safe. I play along "dd, you aren't strong enough to knock me down..." and she tries harder. I taunt some more, then she knocks me down and feels strong and empowered. I got this from Playful Parenting I was nervous at first that this type of play might encourage her to tackle and rough play with her brother even more, but it hasn't. She is learning that it's ok to play this with someone who is bigger than she is, but not her brother.<br><br>
So far, so good.
 

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this is from lilygrace's siggy. it is really wonderful for positive discipline ideas, and she has a bullet point about turning a "no" into a "yes".<br><br>
hth!<br><br><a href="http://wikiparenting.parentsconnect.com/wiki/Positive_Discipline_Ideas" target="_blank">http://wikiparenting.parentsconnect....scipline_Ideas</a>
 
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