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I warned him and I warned him...how could I have done it better? LONG

3135 Views 65 Replies 47 Participants Last post by  aisraeltax, 
C
DS1 who is four had his checkup today...errr yesterday. When it was over he went with the nurse to pick out a sticker while I talked with the Dr.

He comes back with the sticker and a chiclet
: He was starting to open it when I asked him to wait until after lunch and to give it to me. Well he backed away and tried to hide the gum...Well that just ain't gonna fly so I reached out and grabbed it before he could hurridly finish unwraping it and put it in his mouth. He may not know what gum is but he sure does know that it looks like candy, smells like candy, and must be good.

I told him that he could have it after lunch (but only if he remembered
)

All the way out of the Dr.'s office "Momma I want the gum I want the gum" and me telling him "You can have it after lunch if you still want it"

All the way out to the car. "Momma I want the gum I want the gum" and me "You can have it after lunch if you still want it"

20 minutes down the road on the way to the hospital he was still whining and crying "Momma I want the gum I want the gum" So I told him.
walking in the hospital for blood work "Momma I want the gum I want the gum" And me still/again "You can have it after lunch if you still want it"

and "You need to stop whining and asking me about the gum, it is not up for discussion"

In the elevator "Momma I want the gum I want the gum" On the second floor "Momma I want the gum I want the gum" In the lab waiting room "Momma I want the gum I want the gum"

So I said "if you whine for the gum again I will throw it away and you won't have it at all"

And I bet you can guess what happened next "Momma I want the gum I want the gum PLEASE can I have the gum Momma PLEASE PLEEEEEEEAAASSSSE"

And me Standing up now I said "I told you, you could have it after lunch, I asked you nicely several times to stop whining about the gum, I told you if you kept asking I would throw it away, You keep asking so now I am going to throw the gum away." I walked over to the trash can showed him the gum and dropped it in "now the gum is gone because you did not do as Momma asked and stop asking and whining about the gum, now you don't get any gum"

Oh my you'd think the world was ending Several minutes of crying and stricking out at me (I was holding sleeping baby brother) followed by rolling around on the floor kicking and screaming and me not really able to stop him because there was no place to lay down the baby. Until a woman took pity on me and offered to hold DS2 while I took care of DS1.

I had just gotten him calmed down to sobs and huffs when the Nurse called him back for blood work it took 5 full grown women to hold him down to draw 3 vials of blood.


I feel like I handled this poorly...I've been a bit of a grumpy butt lately I feel maybe I was being inflexable.

On the other hand I wasn't expecting him to continue begging for nearly and hour and then throw a temper tantrum either.

I don't think I was being unreasonable to ask him to wait until after lunch. I don't think I was being unreasonable to ask him to stop whining and begging. I am not in the habit of giving in to my kids when they behave poorly I feel that sets a bad precedent.

how could i have handled this better?
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NocturnalDaze
Honestly, I would have given him the gum in the first place. I don't think it would have ruined his appetite to have it. By witholding the gum, which I'm sure he was very excited about, it ended up getting turned into a power trip over something that really wasn't a big deal.

Just my .02
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C
I do not allow my children to have candy often...he had never had gum before. I wasn't worried about it spoiling his appetite, I didn't want him to be chewing it in the car and me not able to supervise in case of choking or if he decided to spit it out and it was implanted into the car upholstery under the carseat, or into the carpet. Since Lunch was going to be on the go, I thought after lunch at the grocery store with him in the cart less than 2feet away from me would be the best time to be able to supervise him.

Honestly if the nurse had asked me if he could have a peice of gum I would have said no.
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Rico'sAlice
Quote:

Originally Posted by coopnwhitsmommy
Honestly if the nurse had asked me if he could have a peice of gum I would have said no.
Then that probably would have been a good place to start. I know you can't always predict what's going to happen, but it seems like that may be the step to focus on for next time. I'll admit I don't have children, but I work with someone (young adult w/ severe special needs) who can not have sugar, but can not understand that. So anytime we are at a store, bank, party, etc where they might be offered something like that I just have to stay on alert, warn people not to give them Anything w/o speaking with me first, etc. Also, I normally try to keep a high value, but "approved", item in my purse to "trade" in case they are are given candy or something.
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NocturnalDaze
In that case I would have explained my fears to him. "I'm sorry honey, gum can be dangerous. You could swallow it and choke. If that happens while we are in the car I won't be able to help you."

Actually, my dd is 4 and I haven't given her gum yet because I'm afraid she'll choke. I've explained why and when she's looking over the candy rack and unknowingly chooses gum I just have to tell her that it's gum and she puts it right back.
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P
Quote:

Originally Posted by Oceansummer
Honestly, I would have given him the gum in the first place. I don't think it would have ruined his appetite to have it. By witholding the gum, which I'm sure he was very excited about, it ended up getting turned into a power trip over something that really wasn't a big deal.

Just my .02
Ditto. Since it was a rare occasion I would have just let him have it and avoided the struggle. I can understand not wanting it in the car so I probably would have said when we get to "whatever the destination was" and the whining would have only lasted however long it took to drive there, lol.
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A
i would have told him he doesnt like gum (my ds is 4) and asked him to put it back and pick something else. That typically works with things I dont allow the kids to have like soda and gum and fruit snacks. Furthermore if I explained to my son that he could choke on gum and so he is not old enough to have it, it wouldnt have been a case of "mom is being mean". It would have been "mom says its not safe".
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M
Quote:

Originally Posted by Oceansummer
In that case I would have explained my fears to him. "I'm sorry honey, gum can be dangerous. You could swallow it and choke. If that happens while we are in the car I won't be able to help you."
I too think he deserved an explanation. It might not have stopped the pleading/whining but that is not the point.

I would also not have made his getting it later dependant on his "remembering to ask for it" since this probably only increased his obsession for it. Instead, I would have assured him that I would remember.
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C
Quote:

Originally Posted by maya44
I too think he deserved an explanation. It might not have stopped the pleading/whining but that is not the point.

I would also not have made his getting it later dependant on his "remembering to ask for it" since this probably only increased his obsession for it. Instead, I would have assured him that I would remember.
I didn't tell him that he needed to remember to ask for it...that was an aside strictly for ya'll hence the
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Oceansummer said:
In that case I would have explained my fears to him. "I'm sorry honey, gum can be dangerous. You could swallow it and choke. If that happens while we are in the car I won't be able to help you."
QUOTE]
Yep, that's what I would have done. (Well, I would have given him the gum at the dentist office, but I understand why you might not want to do that.) Then I would have given it to him when you stopped to get his blood drawn. I mean first the dentist and then a blood draw - the kid deserved a special treat after that!

I also wanted to say that I have done the "throw in the garbage if you xxx" before, and have always regretted it. The few times I have done it ds was so heartbroken that I felt terrible. I have vowed never to do it again, as it feels like way too much of a power trip over him. I just work really hard on tuning out the whining or the constant asking for something that they can't have, after the usual explanations and attempted distractions of course.

And I don't know about your son, but if I use the "after lunch/after dinner/after whatever food" then ds takes one bite and then asks for it. And since I refuse to play the "one more bite" game, I've tried not to make treats contingent on a certain meal. But I have been known to say things like "I'm concerned that eating so much sugar on an empty stomach might make you feel bad, so let's wait until we eat some better food first." Not that this always works, but I give it a shot.
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heartmama
If the gum were a safety issue I would offer him something better to trade it for from the nurse' station...

If gum were the only option, I'd either: offer to trade it for a promised treat right after we left (go get an ice cream or something)....or....

...bite the chicklet in 1/4ths or something so small he couldn't choke or hurt himself if he swallowed it. Then as he chewed each piece and spat it out he could get the next tiny 1/4 piece...that way he would get the whole thing but safely.

He was probably so scared and tense in the doctors office...

I just think it is so important to avoid these kinds of emotional power struggles. You wind up losing perspective. When I realize I am being "set in my way" and stubborn towards my child I force myself to examine my feelings and find another way to express what I need. Not easy, but practice DOES make this easier. Having that "set in stone" attitude towards him just does not feel right to me. Plus I think he knows it when I stop really living in the moment *with* him, and it forces him to "up the ante" right back. I'm giving him no choice but to become more and more hysterical and single minded when I shut him out.

Try to put yourself in his position and imagine how terrible you would feel
if your entire focus, a piece of gum, were being withheld from you during a stressful situation, and then put in the trash before your eyes. These little things are so important to children. YOU know there is more gum in the world but he does not understand. To him, right then, that was probably the most valuable thing in the world, and it came between you, rather than bringing you together. So I would focus next time on seeing it through his eyes and finding ways to help him enjoy the treat safely.

Life is full of unexpected candy offers...I've found trading something questionable for something appropriate is a concept ds can understand. For example when a stranger gives him candy I'd rather he not eat, he accepts that limitation because I offer him something acceptable, and he listens and learns my reasons in the process. I think just saying "nope, the candy is dirty!" and taking it out of his hands with finality feels rude and disrespectful. Yes he is my child and I have to keep him safe, but it wasn't my candy, and I need to acknowledge that ds was given it, not me, and offering an acceptable substitute just feels logical and true. He still gets something he wants, I have kept him safe, and we are on the same side as we do that.

It just sounds like a very difficult day for him all around. Maybe from this you will be able to spot the "little things of great importance" and next time share it with him? Best of luck!
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heartmama
I also feel loads better when I apologize after a scene like that. "Look, I'm so sorry I threw away the gum earlier. I think that was rude and wrong of me. I feel really sad I did that. I make mistakes too. I bet it really hurt your feelings, huh?"

I'd probably offer to do something fun right now, just to re establish a good vibe.

I guess my point is that while that was a very upsetting scene over the gum, you can still try to make talk it over and move forward.

Best of luck to you...
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A
I don't think that you were being unreasonable either. It sounds like it was important to you that he not have the gum. If you had just said later, rather than after lunch, you would have had an out for yourself when the situation turned yucky. I like all of the ideas for explaining why it wasn't an option.

The big bummer of it all is the blood draw. Without it, this would have been just another time when your child begged you for something that you felt wasn't appropriate at the time. If you have a choice, next time go back for the blood draw when the mood is better.

I am sorry that you went through this. It must have been traumatic for you both.
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4evermom
My ds chews gum for a couple minutes tops before wanting to spit it out, not that your ds would be the same. I try really hard not to get in power struggles, in general, but even more so if something upsetting is happening, like the blood draw. So I would have given ds the gum right away, but if I was concerned, I would have explained and told him when we got out of the car and offered something else while he was waiting (I usually have a fruit leather or some treat in my bag at such times, not as a bribe, but as a distraction/mood booster).
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2
I don't allow gum or candy period, so I would have been extremely pissed at the nurse for giving it to him in the first place. Why in the Hell are they handing out that kind of garbage at a doctor's office anyway?
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K
I don't think most parents realize how much little things like this mean to kids. I would've explained to him that it's not safe to eat while in the car, but as soon as we got back out of the car, he could have it again. I would not have thrown it away at all.
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User101
Personally, I think you were doing OK til the threat--stop whining or no gum. Right there, you set yourself up for disaster.As soon you did that, it was no longer about him wanting the gum, it was about you wanting quiet. I agree an explanation would have probably made things easier, but the gum was a "reward" for going to the doc's. It doesn't seem right that a reward can then be taken away.
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T
I'm sorry, but I do think you were being unreasonable. The chances of something really bad happening because a child has a piece of gum are really slim. I also think the situation would have gone a lot better if you had validated his feelings instead of ordering him to stop whining. "I can see that you really really want that gum. Let's hurry and get this over with so we can get some lunch and you can have it!" I also would have not allowed him to be pinned down for a blood draw unless his life depended on it.

We all have moments of unreasonableness, though. I would just apologize and move on.
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M
I'm sorry you had such a horrendous day. I've had days like this. Afterwards, it's easy to look back and pick apart your decisions and your behavior. Its easy to see places you could have done something different. Its easy for other parents to point out where things went wrong. BUT -- when as a parent are in the middle of an experience like that, it is very easy to loose perspective and contribute to a mess and not be able to get yourself out of it again. I have been there many times over.

It was wrong for the nurse to give your son gum. You could call the dr's office or write a friendly note and ask them not to give out eatible treats without asking the parent's first. It's entirely reasonable. They set you up for a bad time. Gum in particular is a problem. They should know better. Especially gum with sugar. Yuck!

Some options for next time. You could say:

- "We don't eat this kind of gum. I will trade it for a different treat when we get home."
- "This is a new kind of candy and I want to help you try it the first time. Lets save it for home."
- "I'm sorry, but we don't take food from people. We have our own treats at home."

With the persistant nagging -- ITA that threatening to throw it away was a set up for disaster. You already know he wasn't doing a good job resisting the impulse to nag and bed. And facing the blood tests was a stressful thing. Stress detracts from a kid's ability to exersize self-control. I might have tried making silly jokes and goofy remarks about his ability to drive you crazy with his persistance. Or think of something *you* really want and ask him 50 thousand times. "Can I have a new car? Please can I have a new car? I really really really want a new car!" Until he is giggling.

But like I said -- its easy to think of things after the fact. If I were you -- I'd chalk it up to a bad day and a learning experience. Did you go for a treat after the bloodwork?
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Bufomander
Quote:

Originally Posted by tracilicious
I also would have not allowed him to be pinned down for a blood draw unless his life depended on it.

We all have moments of unreasonableness, though. I would just apologize and move on.
As someone who is still trying to work out her relationship to Westernized medicine, especially with regard to my child, I'm just wondering what you would have done -- not had the blood drawn, gone back a different day, etc.... Thanks for helping me keep thinking about situations like this in advance! It was a hard few minutes at the WIC office this morning when dd didn't want to be weighed -- i really wanted to tell them it was silly-- she'd just been weighed on Monday at the dr's and I wish I'd followed my gut.
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