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... im so upset. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
I wish DH would just understand that Caleb is different. He is ALWAYS getting mad at him, spanking him, yelling at him, and treating him bad because of the things Caleb does.<br><br>
One second DH will be very nice with Caleb and then in a second, when Caleb is running around and yelling, like he normally does (to let off steam) DH will flip and yell at him to cut it out. When Caleb doesnt, he gets in even more trouble.<br><br>
Or, he is very controlling of his dinosaurs. Sometimes he wont let baby sister near them, and hit her and say NO BABY SISTER, but sometimes he will let her play with them. When he gets mad and tells her not to touch them, and moves her away, DH will get really mad saying he can control it because sometimes he lets her play with them.<br><br>
He tells me I am spoiling him. That I just let him do whatever he wants. That he is going to grow up and be spoiled and so is DD because I let him do what he wants... I never punish him, or anything... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: That there is nothing wrong with him, and its my fault.<br><br>
but thats not it at all... I am home all day with him. I know when he is in one of his "moods" where he wont listen to reason. So why would I yell at him, when really he isnt doing anything WRONG. Just because he is getting annoying, that isnt a reason to yell at him.<br><br>
i just want to curl up and cry right now. he makes me feel like this is something that i am imagining and that its its my fault he is the way he is...
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>momwifenurse</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9839336"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
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i just want to curl up and cry right now. he makes me feel like this is something that i am imagining and that its its my fault he is the way he is...</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> mama, i feel the same way sometimes. It wasn't until someone (mt fil) accused me of being the cause of it, and the mama bear inside me attacked, that I realised, yeah, sometimes I blame myself, but I didn't cause this. And he is not sick or in need of a cure etc, he is a special individual, and he has his own joyous moments and exciting moments.<br><br>
It takes time, dh still loses his patients with ds, I have taken to gently reminding him, and if he doesnt knock it off, i snatch ds up or away from him and tell him "it is not his fault, he cannot control it!" Dh is getting better, but I think it might be partly because hes willing to learn about it and understand it more.<br><br>
Have you tryed (im sure you have but just asking) sitting down and talking to him about this? and maybe getting him to read a book so he understands more?
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
Do you have an official diagnosis for your son, so you can teach your DH about the specific issues he has from some kind of "official" source?
 

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The invovlement with Early Intervention was my husband's realization that I wasn't just spoiling Mark, or letting run wild. The farther into it we get, the mor he sees the reality of it all and not just a spoiled little boy (and how DOES one spoil a child anyway?)
 

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My dh still loses his patients with the ds1. Getting a diagnosis for him and going through a few iep meetings has really shown him that he does have a lot of issues. He still does not totally get it. He has a hard time with acceptance even though he thinks he doesn't. He also doesn't fully understand his issues and sometimes I have to explain them. Sometimes just me talking to ds calmly is enough for dh to leave it alone.<br><br>
Let's face it, it is much easier to think that your child is a spoiled brat than him having a life long condition that makes him different. My dh even told me the other day that he thinks ds could still just snap out of it. Umm, no. I had to explain that just because he is talking and his receptive language is getting better doesn't mean he will be cured. He is till extremely autistic and we are reminded of that every time we leave the house. Just because we have all been able to adapt at home doesn't mean he is going to be all better. It just means that we have been able to make his life better though accomodations and teaching him. I then went on to tell him that we will continue to do these things and teach ds how to live and get along in the world.
 

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My son is still young but I can foresee this happening. I know my dh thinks I spoil ds too and ya know what? He's right! I do spoil him & for a lot of reasons.<br><br>
It sounds like maybe your dh is just having a hard time accepting this and his way of dealing with it is to pretend it doesn't exist. That's hard, and my dh has done that for a long time. Only a couple days ago did he finally admit that he really worries about our son a lot. I never would've guessed that because he doesn't ever talk about it.<br><br>
I also think, especially with a son, that men have this vision of what their sons would be like and maybe that vision has changed and he's not able to accept that?<br><br>
What is his diagnosis? Is it possible to have a physician talk with your dh to help him understand?<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
We've had some issues here with hubby being in denial (and everyone else too) and me feeling like I must be crazy if only I see it. So lonely and frustrating. Diagnosis mostly took care of that as hubby was there for each one. He still had phases of denial but so did I honestly.<br>
Still he gets irritated with Andrew. But that has more to do with my hubby not being able to handle the chaos of fits and such than Andrew himself. I try to explain that he's sending messages to Andrew by his responses but it's hard. He tries.<br>
Mostly <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">.
 

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I agree that having dh come to some IEP meetings or EI meetings or whatever really makes a difference. Having professionals say the same things we say makes it more official, for some reason. Annoying but true.
 

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Yup, been there. Partly, we moms do tend to be more nurturing than dads. I'm convinced there is a hard wired gender difference, here. And it's a Good Thing, just not an easy thing.<br><br>
Coupla things to talk through with your dh (maybe have a coffee date):<br>
As one one poster said, How do you spoil a child? Ask your husband exactly what he's worried about. It may be that he's feeling a lack of understanding and support. It could be that he'll calm down if he thinks you are working on whatever it is he's worried about.<br><br>
You might try agreeing with your husband. For instance, you can agree that your son can make choices about his behavior. That's not in question. The question is, how difficult is it for him to do and how much can you expect: at this age, in a given day, etc.<br><br>
Thirdly, if your husband is literally yelling...ooo, how to put this in a non-male-threatening way? Well, he's not making very good choices about his behavior, even with the advantage of being a grown-up. I'll leave it to you to figure out how to say that tactfully!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
Love your husband, love your kids, you will get through. There are many arms reaching out to you, including mine!
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Thirdly, if your husband is literally yelling...ooo, how to put this in a non-male-threatening way? Well, he's not making very good choices about his behavior, even with the advantage of being a grown-up. I'll leave it to you to figure out how to say that tactfully!</td>
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That would be my question too - how can you gently point out to dh the coorelation between his own sometimes poor choices and ds's. How can he expect more from a 3yo than he expects of himself? We *all* make poor choices sometimes and we don't learn from those poor choices by having someone react harshly - we learn from gentle instruction, adults & kids alike.<br><br>
I do agree with the previos posters too, your dh has likely not accepted that ds has any issues. I think it is much, much harder for men to come to an acceptance & understanding. Be patient with him while continuing to advocate for your ds.<br><br>
Come here to vent any time.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>sbgrace</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9840184"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
We've had some issues here with hubby being in denial (and everyone else too) and me feeling like I must be crazy if only I see it. So lonely and frustrating. Diagnosis mostly took care of that as hubby was there for each one. He still had phases of denial but so did I honestly.<br>
Still he gets irritated with Andrew. But that has more to do with my hubby not being able to handle the chaos of fits and such than Andrew himself. I try to explain that he's sending messages to Andrew by his responses but it's hard. He tries.<br>
Mostly <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">.</div>
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Yeah, that. I think the general male tendency to need to FIX things and solve problems come into play here, b/c they can't fix this. And it's not going to go away or fade into the background. Special needs are hard enough for the primary, day to day caregiver to deal with, I expect it's equally difficult for the Dad or work-out-of-home parent, but on different levels. My husband, for example, simply cannot tolerate the whining, screaming, throw-down fits that Mark throws on a regular basis. If Mark gets lost in his tantrum world, Tom hands it over to me every single time, he simply cannot cope. If I'm not home, he lets Mark watch tv the entire time I'm gone.<br><br>
He did sit through part of Mark's play therapy session this morning, and it made a big impact on him, watching the therapist do EXACTLY what I try to do every day, and seeing that even a paid professional can't force him to "behave properly" really opened his eyes to what's going on.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Have you tryed (im sure you have but just asking) sitting down and talking to him about this? and maybe getting him to read a book so he understands more?</td>
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I agree with this.<br><br>
This has helped us tremendously. We realized some time ago that we were being inconsistent (each of us individually, and the two of us as a team). This was confusing for us and the kids.<br><br>
So we came up with a list of "problem" behaviors and what our specific responses should be. For example, if dd was trying to take a toy from ds, we would consistently handle it the same way, by getting down on dd's level and saying, "DD, DS is playing with that right now. Please give it back to him." If she didn't, we would gently take her away from the situation until she was ready to play nice. Or whatever. But we had clear "rules" and expectations for US (as parents), and that made things a lot easier. In the heat of the moment we had a pre-thought-out response to things and didn't have to "discipline on the fly," which for us usually involved yelling and frustration.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Sean has been involved from the start with Bede's diagnosis and to a lesser extent, his Floortime therapy. It has helped make autism very real for him, and not just our odd, hard-to-parent son.<br><br>
I don't know if your DH is a reader but Sean read and enjoyed <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FNot-Even-Wrong-Fathers-Journey%2Fdp%2F1582344787%2F" target="_blank">Not Even Wrong</a> by Paul Collins (a father's perspective on his autistic son's toddlerhood) and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FThinking-Pictures-Expanded-Life-Autism%2Fdp%2F0307275655%2F" target="_blank">Thinking in Pictures</a> by Temple Grandin (a famous autistic author.) One we have not read, but have heard is excellent is <a href="http://www.amazon.com/gp/redirect.html?ie=UTF8&linkCode=ur2&camp=1789&creative=9325&tag=motheringhud-20&location=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.amazon.com%2FWhat-Right-Help-Child-Autism%2Fdp%2F1402209185" target="_blank">What You Can Do Right Now to Help Your Child with Autism</a> by Jonathan Levy
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">i just want to curl up and cry right now. he makes me feel like this is something that i am imagining and that its its my fault he is the way he is...</td>
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Same here. My DH recognizes all of the strange stuff our DS does but he won't admit that it is caused by some underlying problem. He just thinks we didn't raise him properly, but he can't figure out what we did wrong.<br>
It doesn't help that we can't get him evaluated here. It took months and lots of doctor's appointments before they agreed to give him a simple hearing test for his late-speech.
 
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