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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A few months ago, I told DH that we should stop using antibacterial stuff so often. I said we should stop buying it and only use it in the kitchen. I explained why. He didn't show any signs of disagreement. He seemed fine with that. Well, now I found out that he has bought all this antibacterial stuff. I reminded him of what I said and he acted annoyed and ignored me. If he had a problem with my no-more-antibacterial stuff, I wish he would have said so right then and there. I wish he'd just openly disagree with me. We could debate the issue and come up with a solution. But instead, he pretends to agree and then....

He does this ALL the time. He can never tell me how he truly feels until after the fact. For example, if I tell him I'm going to breastfeed DS until he's 4, DH will say "Fine, I support you with anything you decide". But then later if I say "I change my mind. I'm going to wean him when he's 3," he'd say something like "Good. It kind of creeped me out that you wanted to BF until age 4." That's not an actual conversation, but we have conversations like that all the time. It makes me not trust him. When he sits there and says "Well, this is how I truly felt...but I didn't want to tell you before," than every time he agrees me with me, I ask...does he really mean it?

It also makes me feel like he doesn't respect me. I feel like he's thinking "Oh she talks too much. I'll just nod my head and pretend to agree. But I'll think about something else."

I do talk too much and I'm trying to work on that. But how can I get him to be more honest. I think some people could deal with this better. I'm very much into honesty...blunt honesty actually.

Oh well.

Dina
 

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Oh btdt! My dh is potentialy the least confrontational person in the world, and I rank among the most. During the course of our eight years together I think he has decided that agreement is the path of least resistance. I am working on my tendenct to argue my points like a pit bull (would be a lie to say I was merely passionate) and i try to convince him to just tell me what he thinks, but I worry that he is afraid to be honest about hot topics.

One thing that helps s if I approach things without stating my opinion riht off the bat, and bite my toungue until he is done his position. For instance, I will use your anti-bacterial cleansers in an example; rather then saying "I have been doing a lot of reading and I don't think we should use these cleaners anymore" or even "I was reading an article and it said that these things might be dangerous because of ....." I will say "What do you think of these cleaners?" and "Wonder how they make these things anti-bacterial, you know?" or looking thoughtfuly at the bottle I might say "Hey, DH, I was thinking, aren't there HELPFUL bacteria? Wonder what this stuff does to them. What do you think?"
The key for me is to keep an extremely open mind and gently introduce the evidence IU may have and look at it as a co-operative effort to research it further. We do actualy sit down and do internet searches on this stuff and it is astonishing how often, given minor nudges, he sees my point without me having to ram it down his throat. He has even got me around to the opposite view on some things this way.

Would that be of any help? I know how frustrating it is to just want them to bloody well speak their mind, but sometimes I think it is a fear of confrontation that just keeps them nodding and smiling.

MM
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Quote:
My dh is potentialy the least confrontational person in the world, and I rank among the most. During the course of our eight years together I think he has decided that agreement is the path of least resistance. I am working on my tendenct to argue my points like a pit bull (would be a lie to say I was merely passionate) and i try to convince him to just tell me what he thinks, but I worry that he is afraid to be honest about hot topics.
Oh, this is SO us!!

Quote:
One thing that helps s if I approach things without stating my opinion riht off the bat, and bite my toungue until he is done his position.
Your advice is perfect. I don't know why I didn't think of it before! The funny thing is I actually did it today before I even read your post. We were at the movie. I was about to go into a long-winded speech about how I think we should change our son's name (the whole hyphenated last name thing is driving me NUTS). But instead, I just asked him "So, what do you think of changing Jack's name?" He quickly said "I think it would be a huge pain in the a**". I was about to stomp on his point of view with my own, but then thought about it first. I figured he might have a good point. And I figured maybe I should let him win some of the "debates". If I debate every opinion, he probably won't want to give opinions anymore.

Anyway, THANK YOU so much. I think this WILL be a huge hope to us.

Dina
 
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