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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, I have totally had enough. I feel like I just have to come out and say it , rather than keep it all bottled up inside of me for any longer. I need some help w/ my parenting. I feel like I just don't know how to do it at all, I need a book, or a guideline or something.<br>
I feel like I do a terrible job, and I wish that I could have someone come into my home and help me fix all the things that I am doing wrong.<br><br>
My children are 2 and 4, I am a sahm, and I find myself comparing the way my children act ( namely dd1 ) to everyone elses. She has LOTS of energy, talks alot, is whiney alot, is physically aggressive w/ her sister ( I cannot leave them alone for 2 mins in a room without dd2 crying) is physiaclly agresive w/ me sometimes too, yells alot, but I still love her with all my heart.<br>
However, I am definately doing something wrong. I know I shout ( hard for me to admit ) I do try very very hard to be patient.<br><br>
I feel like I am loosing my mind. Really and truly. Please help me. Am I the only one who feels like this?<br><br>
I am sorry if this is all over the place, my mind is right now, I am very upset, and just needed to get this out before I chickened out.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br>
You are not alone I feel that way all the time and especially about DD. She is 4 and has more melt down tantrums than she ever did before.<br>
I feel like she has zip patinece and everything turns into a battle.<br>
She can never accept a , "Not right now" eloquently.<br><br>
I totally know how you feel.
 

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Oh Mama, hugs to you! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> This is the perfect place to talk about this. I know I shout some days, too. I am guessing there are many mamas here who can relate.<br><br>
What helps me is to take a deep breath (or two, sometimes three if things are really hard!) and close my eyes and get really centered within myself. I am on my way out the door and will come back and post, but I just wanted to send you some good mama energy today.
 

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Someone once told me it wasn't the Terrible Two's, but the Terrible Three's, and wait til you got to the F----n' Fours!<br><br>
Hang in there, Mama! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s<br><br>
What helped me was learning more about child development. Mine is three and I read all I can -- milestone charts online, library books. My favs are "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" and then watching the "Conscious Discipline" DVDs -- both by Becky Bailey.<br><br>
For instance... did you know very young toddlers only "hear the end 2 or 3 words in a sentence?" And that is AFTER they make contact?<br><br>
So saying something long like "Didn't you hear me tell you not to push your brother?" just abbreviates in their heads to "push you brother." Guess what the kid does if he even hears you? Yep. Pushes the brother!<br><br>
Saying "Give me your eyes" and pointing to mine to make sure she saw me and makes eye contact and then "Say 'Excuse Me, please!' " worked better instead because it is shorter, and it tells them WHAT TO DO. First, give me your attention. Second that's what you say instead of pushing. "Excuse me, please."<br><br>
The first sentence did not stop to get the kid's attention first, and is too long, and it is talking about their hearing -- "Didn't you hear me tell you not to push your brother?" The answer is "Yep, heard ya." or "Nope, didn't hear ya." Even if the toddler could get the whole sentence in his brain, it's still not talking about the problem of pushing. It's talking about checking his hearing!<br><br>
Totally different subject, and it's no wonder the toddler is surprised when the adult gets annoyed. The toddler wasn't called to attention, the toddler was given a too long sentence to digest about different subject than the problem at hand, and the toddler was not told what to do. Bad traffic management. How's he supposed to know just from the air what to do?<br><br>
Knowing this, I learned to make eye contact, talk less, and really focus on what I WANTED to have happen in 2-3 words. Worked much better.<br><br>
I started viewing part of my role as parent as a traffic cop/weatherman. Giving clear, brief direction to avoid gridlock, and if weather looks bad (child is tired, hungry, sleepy, etc.) to go home and downtime. Not push her further than she can go.<br><br>
If she blew up, it may not be that be is being "bad" per se. But that I mismanaged the situation. You set children up to be "good" in the early years.<br><br>
Did you know kids don't develop the internal voice til 6+ years old? That voice inside you that goes "Hrm... maybe that is not a good idea to do...." or "I wonder what will happen if I do this?"<br><br>
So I can't tell her to please be quiet and not talk so much at 3 and expect her to actually <i>obey.</i> She can't help herself. She doesn't know HOW to talk to herself inside her head yet. It isn't a realistic expectation of the age even if it drives me bonkers to listen to yakkety yakkety all day long.<br><br>
Remember "See this DOG? This is a DOG. Can you say DOG?" when they are little? Don't stop now. Keep it up defining with emotions and behaviours.<br><br>
Don't just tell a kid "Be nice!" and expect results. They have to know what that IS first.<br><br>
"See dad washing the dishes? That is HELPFUL. Can you say HELPFUL?"<br><br>
"See me writing checks to pay our bills? That's RESPONSIBLE. Can you say RESPONSIBLE?"<br><br>
"See that girl waiting in line quietly? That is PATIENT. Can you say PATIENT?"<br><br>
"See that boy pushing ahead on the slide? That is called CUTTING in LINE and NOT WAITING YOUR TURN. Can you say CUTTING IN LINE? That is NOT GOOD MANNERS."<br><br>
"See that girl picking her nose in the grocery? That is NOT GOOD MANNERS. You do that in the bathroom at home."<br><br>
As they grow and their development moves along, you can certainly can and should raise the bar on expectations. But making sure your expectations are reasonable for the age you are at is a large part of the success... they can only hit the ball if you pitched it in their range to begin with.<br><br>
HTH!<br>
A.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>astrophe27</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9054901"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Someone once told me it wasn't the Terrible Two's, but the Terrible Three's, and wait til you got to the F----n' Fours!<br><br>
Hang in there, Mama! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s<br></div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
Amen. My dd was such a calm and easy baby. When two rolled around it was typically more<br>
difficult but dd is spirited and we would have phases of problems but I dealt pretty okay. Then<br>
four rolled around and I was about to pull my hair out while I ran in a circle crying. At times I<br>
felt like I was loosing my mind.<br><br>
I don't have a lot of advice I didn't do very well during this time. Just want to offer you a hug<br>
cause it's very hard, and many of us have a hard time during different ages. My dd did much<br>
better (or I did much better reacting) threw ages 5-6, then 7 hit and I find myself having a<br>
hard times again.<br><br>
Kids can be tricky once we as parents create a solution for one phase they come up with a<br>
whole new phase for us to tackle. Please don't feel bad about this, it happens to us all. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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Oh, mama, I just had to say I'm so sorry you're going through this!<br><br>
If I hadn't had my DS first, I would have thought my parenting was responsible for my DD's behaviors, too! I'm parenting pretty much the same, though, and her personality is just different. She's very high energy, high need, highly spirited, you name it - she's just MORE. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
I also discovered (the hard way) that she is very emotionally intuitive and picks up on other peoples' emotional energy. If I get frustrated and angry, she'll model it right back to me. It takes a lot of thought and concentration on my part but our days go much better if I don't let any negative emotions build up.<br><br>
Some ways we deal with that are active play for her and exercise for me, and also constantly changing the environment and our activities. We try to spend no more than 45 minutes to an hour in the same room doing the same thing.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"> to you!<br><br>
My boys are 5 and 1 and OMG some days I want to rip all my hair out. Adam, the oldest is having some problems and has been for awhile. We think most of it is jealousy but we're not sure what to do about it because he still gets LOTS of attention. Sometimes he says some nasty things to the baby (like get out, get out of my site, just leave, and he's called him ugly <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> ) and sometimes he pushes/shoves/plays very rough with his brother. I keep trying to get him to understand that first off, we don't say mean things to people, especially not to the little baby and that he can't play that rough with his brother because he's so little. He also won't listen to me or my mom when we tell him to do something or tell him to stop. He will however listen to his father and my father. He actually said that he won't listen to us because "daddy and poppa take care of me better" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">: He'll look me right in the face and tell me "No". I'll send him to his room and he stands there saying "No.". I tell him again and he starts throwing a temper tantrum and stomping his foot. Now, this child is 54 lbs and almost 4ft tall. I'm 120ish and 5'1"- I can't go picking him up and carrying him to his room bc he's so big!! I've started counting to 10, when I arrive at 10, he loses something (which may not be effective for a small child, I'm just pointing out what I do) like the computer. If he still won't go to time out, I start counting AGAIN and when I get to 10, he loses something else. I do this until he's left with nothing (which has never happened) because at this point, he's actually being punished for not going to his room and being outright defiant. Usually when I start counting the first time, he goes in his room. His father however can say "go to your room" and see instant results! Idk why but it seems that my son has developed the thinking that what women say doesn't matter- his father is not like that so IDK where it came from!<br><br>
With the baby, well, babies can't be bad! They don't know what they're doing and I understand that but it gets tiring after just so many "No, Logan. Please don't touch that." or "Logan, that's not for you" especially now that he's started throwing temper tantrums when you tell him that or if you physically move him away. Logan's starting to understand because if he's getting into something and hears my voice, he gets this "uh-oh she caught me" look on his face and he starts to move away from it- then a few seconds later he goes right back to it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/rolleyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rolleyes"><br><br>
It's hard caring for a baby who does normal baby things and a kid that just won't listen at all. I really feel like I messed up somewhere with him. TBH though, I don't think it was *me* who messed up. I had him when I was 16. While I was at school, my mom let him run amuck. Even now, when he goes to visit my parents, if I'm not there too, they let him run amuck. He gets away with so much that I don't allow that it's like he just thinks I'm a joke. They spoil him and we're left to pick up the pieces <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
You know, I've heard what astrophe27 said before. We've discussed it and we're going to try this approach with Logan when he reaches toddler age <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
You're definitely not alone. I'm sure you're a great mom!! Kids just do some things and some are very strong willed. I'm sure it's not that you messed up! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">
 

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Everyone feels like this from time to time. I think it is a sign you need a break. Take care of yourself including creating a quiet time if you can, taking your vitamins, and going out without the kids occasionally.
 

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>ella-makes-3</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9054021"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Ok, I have totally had enough. I feel like I just have to come out and say it , rather than keep it all bottled up inside of me for any longer. I need some help w/ my parenting. I feel like I just don't know how to do it at all, I need a book, or a guideline or something.<br>
I feel like I do a terrible job, and I wish that I could have someone come into my home and help me fix all the things that I am doing wrong.<br><br>
My children are 2 and 4, I am a sahm, and I find myself comparing the way my children act ( namely dd1 ) to everyone elses. She has LOTS of energy, talks alot, is whiney alot, is physically aggressive w/ her sister ( I cannot leave them alone for 2 mins in a room without dd2 crying) is physiaclly agresive w/ me sometimes too, yells alot, but I still love her with all my heart.<br>
However, I am definately doing something wrong. I know I shout ( hard for me to admit ) I do try very very hard to be patient.<br><br>
I feel like I am loosing my mind. Really and truly. Please help me. Am I the only one who feels like this?<br><br>
I am sorry if this is all over the place, my mind is right now, I am very upset, and just needed to get this out before I chickened out.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Well, all I can say is, hang in there! Parenting, as you know, is a lot of joy but A LOT of hard work, frustration, and questions. Just try to take it day by day. Every day you learn new things that make it a little easier.<br><br>
I wouldn't compare your children's actions to other kids as a litmus test of how you are succeeding as a parent. All kids are different...nurture, nature, and other variables...you can't compare them to other kids because the comparison won't mean anything. Don't beat yourself up thinking you should be doing x, y, and z. Do the best you can and enjoy the rest. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I am also moving this to Gentle Discipline.<br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I don't have any advice, but I just wanted you to know that I could have written this thread, and that's why I started lurking on this board (just this week, in fact). I am hopeful that this might be the change my family needs...
 

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Please know that you are not alone in how you feel! My DD is almost four, and my DS is 15 months. DD is over the top spirited! I pretty much always feel like she pushes my button and just some days makes me wonder why I even made the choice to become a parent. (Now that's being honest!)<br><br>
I have yet to find a solution, per se, but a few things that have become apparent for our family:<br><br>
1. I need to improve my self-care: make time for myself, get out without the kids, spend time with girlfriends, get a massage, exercise, get more sleep<br><br>
2. Our kids feel our stress: my husband and I are both stressed with other things than parenting. This defintely carrys over into our parenting causing lack of patience.<br><br>
Venting is a good choice! I recently did the same thing on another parenting forum! Just knowing I'm not alone makes a huge difference.<br><br>
Hang in there. . .<br><br>
-Melanie
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Thankyou for all the replies. I have not been able to get to the computer since I made the op, but I wanted to come abck and see what you all had to say.<br>
The kiddos are painting right now, and definately need me, otherwise I will have a black painted kitchen soon. I will be back later to respond.<br><br>
Thanks again.
 

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My ds's are younger so I haven't experienced a 4 year old yet. But the aggression/non-gentle-ness with the younger sib I *am* dealing with, some days more than others...<br><br>
Last week I happened to have found the book "The Secret of Parenting" on our shelf - a hand-me-down from somebody. It's really very practical advice on how to deal with lots of things. And it's helping me feel much more patient and in control as I deal with ds1's troublesome side. Sorry, that's my only advice for you- maybe it will be helpful to read that?
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thank you all so much for the great support and advice.<br>
It is really hard to come and pour out your soul for others to comment on and judge you by, and I really appreciate the words of support.<br><br>
Thanks for the parenting books, I have written the titles down and will seek them out at the library. They will definately help me on this difficult journey!!<br><br>
I also need some time alone, which will be really hard to come by, as I have no family, friends are busy w/ their own families and DH works long hours, and I need most defiantely exercise!! I am working on it all!
 

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I just wanted to add that it's often very helpful to post about specific issues - the more specific you can be about things that go wrong, the more people can brainstorm with you to help you get through specific solutions.<br><br>
I find that:
<ul><li>getting out of the house helps</li>
<li>recognizing my trigger times/events and planning specific things to get through them helps me be more patient</li>
<li>getting specific, dedicated time to myself for several hours on the weekend (when I'm not at work, otherwise I get it at work) helps me reconnect</li>
<li>trading off with dh for the things that I find really hard (bathtime, bedime) - if I know I don't have to do it ALL the time, it's easier</li>
</ul><br>
If your dh really isn't able to take some of these things on, perhaps you can go over to "Finding Your Tribe" and meet some like minded moms. My sister started a babysitting co-op when her kids were little, which really gave her a great network AND time to get out.<br><br>
I recommend the book Playful Parenting, and Becoming the Parent You Want to Be.
 

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"See that girl picking her nose in the grocery? That is NOT GOOD MANNERS. You do that in the bathroom at home."<br><br><br>
A.[/QUOTE]<br><br>
That nose picking manners quote is great! It is very helpful to remember how basic the curriculum is at this age and keep it simple and clear. I feel crazy sometimes too and am telling myself to breathe like a hundred times a day. The world expects too much of us Mom's, and cliched as it is I keep going back to the child as my priority (not what other people think or the dirty toilet bowl etc.) easier said than done so hang in!
 
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