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I seriously feel myself wanting to be violent. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> Obviously I won't.<br><br>
But ugh!! In the past week I have had at least two people to tell me I shouldn't give up my marriage and it just sounds like STBX and I belong in couples counseling.<br><br>
I tell them BTDT, it made things worse... I've been working on this for a YEAR and things have not really gotten better... seriously haven't I paid enough to earn to walk away from this madness?<br><br>
It frustrates the hell out of me that I can tell people how absolutely heartless he can be towards me and they are just like, "marriage is hard... you guys just need couples counseling."<br><br>
Um really? How is couples counseling going to teach him not to laugh at me while I'm vomitting? How is couples counseling going to teach him to respect when I'm tired and swollen and need a break without him bitching and whining to me about how unfair it is and that I make myself sick so it's my fault and he shouldn't have to pick up my slack.<br><br>
Seriously? That should be normal human compassion... and if he lacks that how on Earth can people think counseling is going to give it to him?<br><br>
Esepcially when he lies and diminishes everything he does to his counselor anyway... so then I get the wrap for being the crazy bitch that just wants to make his life hell... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
Ugh! Sorry... just had to vent. I'm just not understanding why everyone is so hell bent on couples counseling for someone who is just so obviously a UAV.
 

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I bet if they had to live one week, heck one DAY in your shoes with your dh, they would change their mind. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
You've given this your best shot. And you realize you CAN NOT change some fundamental things about a person .. yeah, like basic compassion. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
I know it's hard .. but try to ignore the comments. Come up with a standard phrase to say like "Thank you for your concern and advise. I am confident in my choices right now and do not wish to discuss it any further" or something like that.<br><br>
I know when I was divorcing my dh I had people giving me all kinds of crazy advise. I even had an Aunt say "How on earth are you going to support yourself and your baby now!?" Gee, thanks. Ignore those people as best you can and know that NO ONE can understand what you have been living unless they have been there. It's real easy to recommend marriage counseling when you have no clue what that marriage is really like.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
The other day I said that if one more person tells me to see a lawyer, I will sit in the corner of the room and cry! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> If I had the money, if I wasn't red filed from the DV shelter, if there was a lawyer within 100 miles of here who did pro bono work, if my parents were willing to help pay for it, etc, etc, etc, then I would have a lawyer <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

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I found that attitude a lot from people who were in really bad marriages themselves. A year or so later, they would be divorcing, or I would learn something through the grapevine about how awful things were at their house. It can be a paradigm shift, that a marriage is not being "given up," and people also don't realize how much work has usually gone on behind closed doors long before anything surfaces or before help is sought. There's still this notion that people just throw away marriages at the first sign of disagreement; I don't know ANYONE who has done that.<br><br>
Edited to add: there's also the "it's a dynamic, what's your part in it" and the "I just wouldn't LET him treat ME that way" perspectives.<br><br>
I say be safe in your niche where people understand for now. You don't need their permission to make the best choices that you can for you and your children. Also, be firm in your knowledge and resolve that you're doing the best that you can in the circumstances; somehow, once I had that set in my own mind, I started encountering people who *got* that and who offered support without questioning.
 

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Yep. Most people don't understand the abusive dynamic.<br>
They don't get that:<br>
--couples counseling doesn't help in a relationship that is not based on mutual respect<br>
--you don't make someone abuse you, let someone abuse you or do something that encourages abuse. Abusers are abusive, that's all there is to it.<br>
--There's no way for an abused woman to change her actions and make an abusive relationship non-abusive.<br>
--Abusers aren't honest in counseling.<br>
--Abuse totally screws with your confidence, sense of self, mental clarity and sense of worth.<br>
--Abuse basically leaves you brainwashed.<br>
And about a dozen other things like that.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Not my Mother. lol<br><br>
It was my babysitter and HR lady.<br><br>
I told the babysitter how STBX took off his wedding band and stormed out of the house and she was like, "well it sounds like it's time to go back to couples counseling."<br><br>
Um no... I told her BTDT, I've spent a year banging my head into a wall I'm done. And she just went on and on saying she thinks we'd really do better if we could just sit an talk...<br><br>
Yeah funny... I know thing "could" get better if we could sit and talk peacefully and RESPECTFULLY but that has not happened in the almost three years we have been together and I'm done with that wishing line of thinking. She just doesn't get it and it kind of pisses me off. I didn't just willy nillly wake up a month ago and decide, you know what F my marraige.<br><br><br>
The HR lady has a pysch degree and said she knew several couples who were in abusive situations who got better after couples counseling and was trying to sell me on the fact that if I found a couples counselor versed in dealing with abuse they'd be able to see through my STBX's manipulations and work with it.<br><br>
I even told her straight out, "no, because still the basis of couples counseling is the assumption that there is a general underlying respect for the other person. Most abusive people if not all do not repsect their wife as a person, but a possession who should be catering to their every whim and command to make them feel like a better person somehow."<br><br>
And quite honestly... I don't have any respect left for STBX, so counseling wouldn't work for me either because I can't summon up any respect for someone who has treated me so awful and made me feel like dying more times than I have ever felt in my whole life. (and I battled depression in my teen and early 20's and was even hospitalized for a month in my early 20's... and all of that has NOTHING on how I've felt the past year and a half with my UAV)<br><br>
So I really think that should say something.
 

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I think I would just respond with some kind of standard reply like misty offered. "Thank you for your concern, but I've made my decision and it's what is best for all of us." Or something like that. You could find a way to let them know that you feel they are overstepping their boundaries because this is your life and your marriage and only you have the knowledge to really know if it's just a matter of "needing to talk", or "finding the right counselor" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
Try not to let it get to you. Many people expect that people getting divorced don't want to...Let it be like water on a ducks back... just let the comments go. Soon enough they will shut up. And if they don't, tell them you would like it if they wouldn't comment further on your choices unless they are being supportive.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 
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