[jess_paez]

I had to 'hide' someones FB statuses today. This lady is wonderful, very sweet. I used to work with her for a while. She is young, religious and has 5 kids...I do not believe she has ever had a miscarriage. I add that in because maybe she just doesn't 'get it' and only we (who have) can?<br><br>
A few weeks ago a friend of hers hemmoraged and lost a lot of blood during labor and her baby had to also go to the NICU. Her friend ended up getting better and so did the baby (<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">), but while they were unsure she was asking people to pray. Saying God could do amazing things and he could heal the mom and baby. People on her friends list commented saying things like, "I am praying, God-we trust in you to completely heal them, ect."<br><br>
Then another one of her friends babies ended up in the NICU weeks later due to some insulin issues. When things got better, people commented saying, "Praise God! He never fails!" Oh and my favorite...<br><b>"I am so excited to see how God has been protecting these little babies!!"</b><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
Then exactly WHAT are they saying about MY baby who died minutes before birth with NO chance whatsoever born at 22 weeks?! Or any baby lost in whatever way at any gestation???!! I certainly don't believe God can heal. I don't even believe in God that way period, but even so it is incredibly hurtful to read. I know everyone has their own religion and path and that is wonderful, but wow.<br><br>
When I first lost my daughter I did struggle a bit with religion, mainly because I was just coming into my own and learning. I was more spiritual. I believed in a God; I also believed everything happened for a reason. Then she died. I know death happens and death is a part of my life, but as far as a <i>reason</i>, no. Now I lean strongly towards an earthly path. I love candles, positive thoughts, relaxation. When I do 'pray' it is just for strength or peace. I am praying to more of an inner spirit so to speak.<br><br>
I don't know, I just find comments like that incredibly rude. When people make comments like that do they understand how they sound? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">

 

[Tear78]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>jess_paez</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15354235"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">When people make comments like that do they understand how they sound? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"></div>
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I really think they don't, and it hurts so much. I can't believe how unthinking people can be, and it scares me that maybe I say things and don't realize how they sound. I'm so sorry, hon. I used to think everything happens for a reason, and now I just can't reconcile that. Things happen, and people are left figuring out how to deal with them. I'm so sorry that people's comments are leaving you feeling that way. Thinking of you, hon! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/candle.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Candle"> for your little Joslyn.

 

[boobs4milk]

hugs, jess. my brother and his gf lost twins a few months back. my sister is pg and due about the same time they were. she's not even sure who the father is, is living with a guy's parents while he's in jail, and already has a 3 1/2 yr old that she bounces from relative to relative. while at her baby shower, one of our other sisters said "it's god's will and wisdom that those two ( bro and his gf) aren't becoming parents."<br><br>
huh?<br><br>
granted, my bro and his gf aren't well off or highly educated, but she works (bro just got laid-off) and they are in a loving relationship, buying a house, raising gf's younger sister. they smoke pot, ocassionally and she drinks a little (not while pg). my sister who said that isn't even in a stable relationship and has 2 kids by 2 different guys!<br><br>
she then goes on to tell our pg sister how lucky she is and they all gush over u/s pics. i'm so glad that pg sis is doing well, but why is she more deserving of her child than me or my brother?<br><br>
and my family wonders why i don't believe in god the way they do!

 

[enigo]

I have personally always found the "god's will" or "god does everything for a reason" comments to be some of the most offensive comments. I wonder why someone would think they were comforting. As in...apparently you didn't rate high enough with god for him not to let those things happen.<br><br>
Don't get me on a soap box, you don't wanna see me on a soap box <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/soapbox.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="soapbox"> Awww too late!

 

[jtrt]

Hope its okay to barge in here...my rainbow is 4 months old and I still get insulting, hurtful comments about God. I don't think "they" understand at all that their interpretation of God's actions is hurtful to others. We lost three babies before Edelweiss came and whatever faith or belief I had was lost with them. I don't understand how decisions get made but what I personally know for sure is there is no God with a hand in what happened to me.<br><br>
Contrary to family's and stranger's suggestions, the loss of three babies followed by a keeper was not to teach us a lesson, make us stronger, test our faith (snort), prove that God wouldn't give us more than we could handle, prepare us to help others or any of the other absurd suggestions people have made.<br><br>
We are each entitled to our own beliefs and I am happy for those people who have a faith that allows them to credit God for the good and turn a blind eye to the bad. I just don't get it myself. Whenever someone makes an offensive religious comment to me, I just think to myself, "Whatever gets you through the night, lady." But sometimes, I can't help but point out how insensitive the platitude is.<br><br>
Jess, I think you and I talked about the pregnancy t-shirts that say "Blessed" on them once. Same thing. The wearer can't know that her shirt was a knife in my heart. She cannot understand the pain her shirt caused me because she really does think she is "Blessed." More power to her. I hope she never spends a day looking for "Cursed" shirts online after her third miscarriage.<br><br>
So long as these folks are avoidable, I avoid them. I offer a gentle correction to those I know the first time they make a hurtful comment in my direction. If they persist in making rude remarks, the gloves come off. My goal is not to pry them away from their beliefs. It is to make them aware of the effect their words have on those who may not share their beliefs.<br><br>
Oooh, I got a little <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/soapbox.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="soapbox"> myself. And it felt good.<br><br>
Amy

 

[JayJay]

Ack, yeah, I know about those comments. Honestly, if people are "within their rights" to say this or that about God wanting or not wanting to protect - or God wanting to challenge, or God wanting to deny, or blah blah blahdy blah, then I am completely entitled to stand there and say "I'm sorry, I don't agree that it was God's "will" or that it was "meant to be" or that there are "angels" in heaven. Personally I choose to believe that it, like many life events, simply happened. I do think that what we do with what has happened to us AFTER it has happened is where everything goes right or wrong in the long term, you know?<br><br>
I find it confusing though, actually, why so many people simply assume other people are Christian or that they believe in God at all. Personally I am pagan, and feel very in tune with Mother Earth. I don't think I'm particularly weird, and I respect other people's religions enormously - it's just strange to have people assume I believe that my daughter is an angel and that God took her "for a reason" or - even worse (man, this is the worst one) that "she was too beautiful for this earth" - ugh! Too beautiful for this earth. Wow. How can that ever be comforting, really - I mean REALLY?<br><br>
Anyway off my soapbox now! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> XXX

 

[jess_paez]

Thank you guys. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">, Really, I should be used to this by now. I have heard so many of these comments. Amy, yeah, it was me and you talking about the cursed/blessed shirts. I hate when people say they are blessed in terms of precisely what they've been given. At first I hated that term. I took it as a biblical/Godly term and I have since learned to kind of appreciate it. I am pagan and try to see the word blessed as a happy term meaning my glass is full (hasn't always been that way, so it's something to celebrate). But I still get so angry when i read or hear of one using the term for specifics; such as "God gave me the ability to have babies-I am so blessed". I really have heard that one!!! Or "I am so blessed to have been able to take my baby (babies) home, I thank God for them everyday" Ummmm how is that helpful? Grr.<br>
I wonder what people would think Jay if we just said to them, "Bad things happen. Things do not happen for a reason. Your baby just died, there is no reason, your baby is not an angel, but forever at peace." Sounds wonderful to us, but I wonder how they would take it. Thing is we don't just go around saying those things to comfort people, because we KNOW they may not be as comforted by them as we are. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s everyone and thanks for commenting-i feel better now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">

 

[momoftworedheads]

Jess - huge hugs to you. I do not think these people know how they sound or have a clue what it is like to lose a baby or a child.<br>
Some people are really oblivious to what goes on.<br><br>
As far as the "blessed" thing goes - I have heard that before. Even my children's Ped said that about him and his wife - they had not been "blessed" with children.<br><br>
My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a baby or child. Noone knows why these terrible things happen and as far as someone like that, I would hide their statuses for a while.<br><br>
Take care!<br>
Jen, mama to 4 earthly Princes, one princess who flies above and three who were gone too soon

 

[philomom]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>enigo</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15355989"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I have personally always found the "god's will" or "god does everything for a reason" comments to be some of the most offensive comments. I wonder why someone would think they were comforting. As in...apparently you didn't rate high enough with god for him not to let those things happen.<br><br>
Don't get me on a soap box, you don't wanna see me on a soap box <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/soapbox.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="soapbox"> Awww too late!</div>
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I so agree.

 

[Tear78]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JayJay</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15356992"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Personally I choose to believe that it, like many life events, simply happened. I do think that what we do with what has happened to us AFTER it has happened is where everything goes right or wrong in the long term, you know?</div>
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Wow, yes! I came online to post EXACTLY this after getting a "everyone gets what they're meant to have" comment yesterday. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I hope it's ok I post it here instead. The person is so supportive in so many other ways, but this stung. So was I meant to lose my baby? Was there some grand plan that let my colleague's baby reach 7 months and then pass away? We were supposed to go through grief? argh! It's the same kind of comment that comes along with suggestions for adoption. Yes, I KNOW that's an option for us, and yes, if it comes to that, we will make peace with the decision and love our family, but no, it's NOT appropriate to assuage my grief with that right now. sigh...I'm sorry so many of us are subjected to other people's "help" during this process. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug">

 

[Tear78]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>jess_paez</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15357704"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thing is we don't just go around saying those things to comfort people, because we KNOW they may not be as comforted by them as we are. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s everyone and thanks for commenting-i feel better now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"></div>
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And YES! Oh man, I hope if I've learned anything from this crap it's what you just said. Comforting words so often end up only comforting the person talking.

 

[fazer6]

I hate it when people don't understand, but then I envy their innocence that they just don't get what we're going through. I have been agnostic for ages. I believe in a higher power, but so far no one's come forward and said hey look I'm here, and I'm here for you. Oh yes I'm open to the idea of a higher power, I just don't know their name. I sort of pray for guidance to find them, and still nothing. So to be honest it's hard to believe inanyone as they don't seem to care about me. It's easy to think things happen for a reason when it's a good thing. I very coincidentally found my OH again in a pub I wasn'tgoingto go in. So yes I could put that down to fate. Now I don't believe in someone up there guiding us or having things happen for a reason, because to be honest Ithink they're a bit sick to put this on us. So many women here have dealt with morethan they should. If a higher power is resonsible for all this then to behonest I don't like them.<br><br>
Thankfully I don't have many close friends herein Spain. They'reall back inthe UK so didn't really have an opportunity to say much. I never read any of the cards sent after opening one that was 'on the death of your child' WTF I found it sick that some worker for a card company thought oh yes that's a lovely comforting message to put ona card.<br><br>
I do envy people's unswaying faith that there's someone there. Must be like a wonderful security blanket. But nowadays I only believe in the wonderful healing powers of a duvet, hot water bottle, bar of chocolate and glass of wine.

 

[jess_paez]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s everyone<br>
Clare I feel the same way. I consider myself to be agnostic as well as pagan. I can't say there isn't a higher power, and i can't say there is. I do know that if there is a higher power and he/she makes things happen to teach us a lesson then I don't want any part of it. I strive to be a good person, to love and cherish others. I really like the book When bad things happen to good people. It basically says that God loves us all and doesn't have control over what happens to us, but he is crying for us when we're sad and comforting us. When we're happy he is 'happy'. I kind of liked that view.<br><br>
I also envy peoples faith, but sometimes it just seems too froo-froo-ey for me. You know? It's like, "Be real!" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> It's really hard for me too, to think of when I met my dh. We met on cupid.com. We had both just signed up within days of eachother and started talking and hit it off instantly. It's one of those 'worked out amazingly' types of situations, but maybe it's just coincidence. I'd like more coincidences that are as wonderful as that. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">

 

[jess_paez]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Tear78</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15359675"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">It's the same kind of comment that comes along with suggestions for adoption. Yes, I KNOW that's an option for us, and yes, if it comes to that, we will make peace with the decision and love our family, but no, it's NOT appropriate to assuage my grief with that right now.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked"> I love how people just think it's so easy to adopt too.<br>
As if you just place an affordable order or something. Crazy!

 

[Carlyle]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Tear78</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15359675"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I came online to post EXACTLY this after getting a "everyone gets what they're meant to have" comment yesterday.</div>
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You're effing kidding me!?!? I didn't know that--who said that!?? ARGH!<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Tear78</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15359675"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Was there some grand plan that let my colleague's baby reach 7 months and then pass away?</div>
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I didn't know about that either. Yikes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s

 

[Tear78]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Carlyle</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15361947"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I didn't know about that either. Yikes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s</div>
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oops. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"> It happened right when you found out you were pregnant and I didn't tell you. Sorry I let that slip!

 

[Megan73]

I didn't lose my faith because of my losses - I've never believed in God and could never understand how people could reconcile say, the Holocaust, with "everything happens for a reason," "God never sends us more than we can bear" and other such claptrap.<br>
I always feel like retorting that it must be grim to believe in a God that kills babies to teach their mothers some kind of lesson.

 

[enigo]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Megan73</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15362566"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I always feel like retorting that it must be grim to believe in a God that kills babies to teach their mothers some kind of lesson.</div>
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...This... exactly!

 

[boobs4milk]

cheers megan. well said!

 

[jess_paez]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>boobs4milk</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15365604"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">cheers megan. well said!</div>
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i agree. what worries me is that i don't know how much longer i can keep up the self control to NOT retort just that.