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Discussion Starter #1
This is a horribly long story that I will try to keep short.<br>
Dh and I have been having the same damn fight for 2 yrs now. It's about his smoking. When we first met he told me he was quitting, I said good as I really wasn't interested in a relationship with a smoker. He kept telling me how much he was cutting back and that was fine with me. Then, he told me he had quit. I was so happy. When people would ask him if he was still smoking I would beam with pride and tell them he'd stopped. I then found out he was in fact still smoking and going to such extents as keeping a toothbrush and toothpaste in his car!! I was so hurt, not because of the smoking per se,, but because he had lied and deceived me and for almost a year!!<br>
He came to me, told me he did want to quit but it was hard. He told me he never told me because he kept figuring he'd quit and why make me mad. I tried to explain to him that I was far, far, far more angry over being lied to and feeling duped than I ever would have been over him coming to me and saying "I'm having trouble, I need your help" (or whatever else he could come up with)<br>
I told him that I would NOT have a baby until he had quit. That that was the deal breaker for me. So you all can understand why I would make that a deal breaker...my grandfather died at 49 of lung cancer, my uncle died at 54 of lung cancer, DH's father died of lung cancer at 42, my own father was told 12 years ago if he didn't quit, he'd likely loose his leg as a best case, but possibly his life. I'm afraid to leave my daughter without a father at a young age. Dh is 39 and has already been smoking longer than his father did. He hasn't even had a physical in 14 yrs (probably because he knows they'd tell him he should quit)<br>
4 times while I was pregnant I "caught him" either I smelled it on him (but when I confronted him he'd attempt to lie and tell me he hadn't been smoking--once even told me what I smelled was the smoke from the BBQ, ummm, yeah, steak smoke and cigarette smoke get confused all the time <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"> ) Each time I cried, told him I was afraid he'd die, asked him to look at how he feels about not having his father now and ask him how he thinks Molly will feel if she looses her dad as a young child--especially if he dies of something preventable. Each time I told him that his lying to me makes me feel he must think I'm stupid. The last 2 times I told him I was having trouble trusting him. He's also lied about other stupid things, like "did you clean the bathtub?" "Oh yeah, I cleaned it" Meanwhile the reason I asked him was because I'd just been in the bathroom after he announced he was done and noticed the bathtub had not been cleaned...I had asked him hoping he's say "Oh shoot, I forgot" Instead he lied right to my face about something that had NO meaning--that is until he lied about it. He's lied to me about timelines and whereabouts. A couple weeks ago he got home from work almost 90 minutes late. I asked him why he was so late he told me that he'd forgotten to pick up water after he'd picked up all the daycare dogs and had to run back to town to get it. I later find the receipt for the water in the truck and it said he bought the water a full 90 minutes before he got home (we live 20 minutes from the store if there is traffic) I know what he was doing, he was sitting with his dumbass buddy in the parking lot at Tim Hortons--his buddy smokes and now I believe dh likely was too.<br>
So, before tonight, the last fight we had was while my dad was in hospital (for his smoking related illness that came very close to killing him at 55) We'd had a bad day, got home to one of the dogs having an accident, baby was screaming blue murder, basically, we walked in the door and all hell broke loose. Instead of helping me and working as a team to get things under control, he went outside and smoked a cigarette. With every single fight we've had I've stressed that I KNOW how very difficult it is to quit and that I'd like to help him. I have told him that I likely would not be mad if he came and talked to me about it. Now I admit that that night, he admitted it right off--which was likely the first time he never even attempted to lie and I tore into him. I tore into him because I was right there, and ya know what, I was stressed too, going for a drive alone relaxes me, but I didn't just drop the baby and abandon dh and seek out my relaxation mode, my anger with him was that instead of working as a team and thinking about the baby's needs and my needs, the only need he even considered was his own. This happens a lot but my father in the ICU because of smoking made me loose it on him. Shortly after he stormed out, I got a call from my brother to say my father was in a coma.<br>
The next day in a calmer mannor I told him that once and for all this was a deal breaker, get help, use the patch, get hypnosis, what ever, but that if he continued placing Molly and I after himself that it was over. I told him I would NOT be like mother and changing his diapers in 10 yrs because he was too damn stupid to stop. I told him my absolute priority was Molly and if she wasn't his absolute priority then he was welcome to leave. (keep in mind, his excuse for all his other "quirks" is that his dad died when he was only 20, to this day he says sometimes he hates his dad because after the cancer was diagnosed he didn't bother to quit)<br>
So, I finally gave the ultimatum, I would not live like this anymore. He needed to make a choice, his cigarettes or his family (and I wasn't expecting him to quit cold turkey without help, but he had to make an effort and communicate how things were)<br>
He seemed to get it, he didn't talk about smoking at all after that. About 3 weeks ago I thought I smelled smoke on him and started looking for his new hiding place. I know I went through his car (which is off the road now and basically has become a dumping grounds) This afternoon, as the weather was getting cooler, I saw my fall jacket in the car and went into his car to get it. When I picked it up, a pack of cigarettes fell out. I am 95% sure I checked under that jacket 3 weeks ago but of course I can't guarentee it. My hands were literally shaking as I walked into the house. I handed him the smokes and he said "where did those come from?" I said hidden under my jacket in your car. His response was "They must have been there for months"<br><br>
I don't believe him. Period. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth these days. I feel stupid. I feel that he must think I'm stupid. I feel like he thinks it's a game of some sort to see what he can get away with. He of course denies all of this.<br>
I'm so mad at myself that I brought them in and confronted him with them. I thought after that I should have left them there and gone out and checked after he left for work, that way I would KNOW for certain and he couldn't deny it. I <b>hate</b> that I'm even thinking of ways to spy on my dh. I hate what my mistrust of him is doing to me.<br>
After I'd cooled off I spoke to him again. I told him he had 24 hrs to come clean with me about all of it (in regards to smoking), that if he came to me and admitted that those cigarettes were from after our last fight where I told him to make the choice, that we would work it out, we would together figure a way to help him quit and that together we would do all we could. I told him if he didn't come clean (or told me that indeed those cigarettes had been there for ages and I had just missed them) and I found out later that it was a lie, we were through. I told him if he doesn't ask for help and be honest with me and I ever "catch" him again, we are through. I told him I was NEVER having this argument again, I was done with it.<br><br>
After that I went for a walk with the baby and the dogs. While walking I asked myself what he could do to make me trust him. I can't think of anything. Regardless of what he tells me tomorrow night, I dont' think I can believe him (unless of course he admits he's been lying, etc) I wondered, is that fair to him? What if (even though the chances are slim) what if he really did put those smokes there months ago and forgot about them and I missed them last time I was looking for them. I've suggested therapy before, he goes once, or twice, says he is making attempts at communication, he's feeling good about things, yada, yada, yada. In no time flat though, everything just falls through and goes back to normal.<br><br>
I do want to say, I love my dh, a lot. The only thing I love more is Molly (maybe Havoc too depending on the day <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">) I do not want to end my marriage, I don't want to be a single parent, however, I know I will survive if either of those things comes to be.<br><br>
I guess if you've made it this far, what I want to know is, if I can't trust him, is there anything left to even work on? I mean I can't trust him to tell me the truth about whether he scrubbed the stupid bathtub!!<br>
Am I correct in seeing his lying as huge sign that he has no respect for me? And if so, is it fair to me to stay in a marriage where I'm not respected.<br>
Is it fair to him, to continue a relationship where I feel the need to spy on him, read the time stamps on receipts, search cars, search his pockets, etc. (btw, I don't think these things are right and this is the main aspect when I say I don't like what his behavior brings out in me.)<br>
At this point, what would you figure he could do to bring some trust back into the relationship?
 

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Well, I'm sure my opinion will be in the minority. I'm not sure, without knowing your DH, whether the problem is that he lies a lot, or whether he is just having a lot of trouble quitting cigarettes and, since you've given him an ultimatum, feels like he has to lie about it or you'll leave him.<br><br>
I don't think you should marry someone expecting them to change... even if they promise to, and even if they seem to want to.<br><br>
Honestly my advice is.... try to accept the fact that you have a husband who smokes. Tell him accept this. If he quits you'll be happy but you're not going to leave him. If he wants help you're there but you're not going to pressure him. It will be up to him to quit.<br><br>
And, try to actually accept the fact that he smokes... put some realistic parameters around it (no smoking in the house, etc).<br><br>
If he lies to you about other things, then he probably just have an honesty problem (a lot of people do) which is a larger relationship issue.<br><br>
But, if smoking is the MAIN thing he's lied about, then that's what my advice would be.<br><br>
I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear. But I honestly believe one of the keys to a happy relationship with someone is trying to genuinely accept them the way they are.
 

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Woah, very tough situation. All I have to offer is <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
I went through a similar situation with my husband except the vice was porn. Not something that could potentially kill him, but it was still horrible. I still don't trust him and our marriage has dissolved in almost every way except legally. I pray that you and your dh can work through this, that he comes to his senses and lives to a ripe old age.
 

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wow. well, first off, as you know, you can't make someone quit smoking and i don't think it helps for you to be on him. i understand your motives are out of love (i have 3 grandparents die from lung cancer, and my mom has lung cancer) so i can only imagine how difficult and scary it is to see him continually smoking when you know first hand what can happen. what if he genuinely was scared to tell you about his smoking because he felt you'd be angry? the thing is, he's an adult and only he can decide to do or not do something.<br><br>
very gently i suggest that the issue isn't even about the smoking ... i think that counselling is in order to help you understand why it is such an issue with you -<br>
in the meantime, if you still love him, i would back off - take a big breath, apologize for continually getting on him about smoking and tell him that you will stop bugging him as long as he is not smoking in the house or around your dd. he is more than aware of the risks involved and i'm sure he knows very clearly how you feel about it. then i would see how that changes the lying.<br><br>
anyway, i hope this helped, sorry, it must be a very difficult time for you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
mandi
 

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I think this is a case where you need an outsider- would your dh be willing to go to counseling with you? Yes, he deserves to have a chance to be trusted. Yes, you deserve to hear the truth. And yes, Molly deserves a daddy.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
-Angela
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>KristiMetz</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well, I'm sure my opinion will be in the minority. I'm not sure, without knowing your DH, whether the problem is that he lies a lot, or whether he is just having a lot of trouble quitting cigarettes and, since you've given him an ultimatum, feels like he has to lie about it or you'll leave him.<br><br>
I don't think you should marry someone expecting them to change... even if they promise to, and even if they seem to want to.<br><br>
Honestly my advice is.... try to accept the fact that you have a husband who smokes. Tell him accept this. If he quits you'll be happy but you're not going to leave him. If he wants help you're there but you're not going to pressure him. It will be up to him to quit.<br><br>
And, try to actually accept the fact that he smokes... put some realistic parameters around it (no smoking in the house, etc).<br><br>
If he lies to you about other things, then he probably just have an honesty problem (a lot of people do) which is a larger relationship issue.<br><br>
But, if smoking is the MAIN thing he's lied about, then that's what my advice would be.<br><br>
I'm sorry, I know that's not what you want to hear. But I honestly believe one of the keys to a happy relationship with someone is trying to genuinely accept them the way they are.</div>
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I have to say I agree with this. I've had the same issues w/dh- down to the sneaking around and lying about it. Neither of us have had anyone close die of cancer, but the rest of your story is right on. I finally said 'just keep it away from me' and that was then end of it. As far as I know, he's quit, but when he drinks (not often) or is with coworkers who smoke, he's likely to bum a smoke. It's to the point that if we're out together at a bar or party (very rarely) he'll smoke when I'm around. Do I like it? No. Will I leave him over it? No. It's my issue, I have to accept it- if I don't, it eats away at me way too much. I can't ask him to change for me, if he wants to do something, it's got to be for him.<br><br>
All that being said- if it's still a deal breaker for you, then it is. No one here can tell you what you could/should do, only what we would do in a similar situation.
 

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It's not about the cigarettes.<br><br>
He has lied repeatedly about small issues; now you cannot trust him on the larger ones. Your big problem here is that you gave an ultimatum and now want to back off of it. Your dh is comfortable with this because you have been fighting this way for years and he probably thinks it'll just continue on this way. Either you have to live up to your word (that it's over, or at least make a significant change in the situation - separate) or get used to living like this.<br><br>
You obviously love your dh and want it to work. You can't change him no matter what you do - you can only change yourself. I recommmend YOU go to counseling on your own to discern what your best path is - to accept dh as a smoker (and also accept that he will tell other lies), or to leave and end the marriage.<br><br>
In my own life I was in a relationship where I lost trust in my partner and became suspicious of everything he said. It made me insane and I could not continue living like that for more than a few months. I didn't have a child at that time; that certainly makes the decision much more serious. If you decide to make a change, it is going to be difficult.<br><br>
Does the lying mean he has no respect for you? My personal view would be yes. Is it fair to you to stay where you aren't respected? No, BUT you have to try to save the marriage for the good of your daughter. Counseling, even if only you attend, will help you. I have no idea how he could work to restore your trust at this point. That is something he would have to offer to you, I think. He was supposed to quit smoking multiple times, and lied and hid it multiple times. Rebuilding that trust will take a lot of time.<br><br>
Good luck to you and Molly.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I didn't marry him expecting him to change though. When we married I was believing his lie that he'd quit.<br>
My issues with him are the smoking to a large extent of it and I'm not prepared to just live with a smoker. Our relationship would never have progressed past casual dating had he not told me had quit. I know some people smoke and honestly it doesn't really bother me that friends smoke. I have close friends who smoke, now, I admit, since being pregnnat and now that I have Molly, I haven't gone to their house--because I don't feel it's my place to ask them not to smoke in their own house, but I do invite them here and we do go out to restaurants (which in Ontario are all Non-smoking)<br>
My reasons for being agains the smoking are 1. we can't afford it 2. when we looked into life insurance 4 separate providers told us because dh was a smoker, his rate would be 5 x the standard for a healthy 39 yr old man, and mine would double because how can they guarentee he doesn't smoke in the house (don't blame them frankly) Also, I have rheumatoid arthritis, my arthritis is severe and effects organs as well as joints--so my rate was also already high--but that is something I have no control over, I do what I can to keep my arthritis at bay--the only time I've ever sacrificed that was in order to have Molly. I didn't choose to have a lifelone debilitating disease and I'd do anything not to have it--this I think makes me even more angry that he is making the choice to smoke.<br>
Through all of this I've really, really emphasized that my main concern was him being honest with me. I've told him if he came home and told me he'd slipped at work or that he was struggling, that we'd talk about it and figure out what might help. I spend tons of extra money on munchies for him when he gets cravings. I am MORE than happy to do these things. I've taked to him about taking Zyban, I've talked to him about having hypnosis (my friend even does hypnosis for smoking cessation) I've never implied in any way, shape or form that quitting smoking was going to be easy--but I have to admit, to get our daughter here, I gave up 3/4 of my income for a year, I gave up the ability to get out of bed without assisstance, I gave up being able to eat for a full 22 weeks, I gave up a total of 10 weeks of my life by being hospitalized to get our little girl here, I injected myself with blood thinners twice a day, I shoved progesterone up every oriface, I had blood taken daily and on and on and on. I was willing to do all of those things because he said he really wanted a biological child and wasn't "keen" on adopting. I was willing to do all these things to make our dream a reality, but he can't even try to stop smoking (and I mean really try--he's already established that he can't do it on his own, or we wouldn't be here)<br><br>
If he only lied about this, I could at least attempt to let it go, but fact is, he lies about other things that really and truley mean NOTHING. He's lied to me about feeding the dogs, about having a shower, about mailing an envelope, about cleaning something, it goes on and on.<br><br>
Another real issue is that he doesn't follow through on most of what he says. He tells me he'll do something and then just never does it, hoping I'll just forget. He's been promising me for 18 mos now that he is going to book a physical!! When I confront him he does things like says "well, I don't know when to book it so it won't conflict with your schedule" Meanwhile, things he wants to do he books without ever even asking my schedule. A friend of his owes him $15 000, we could actually buy the house we want if he would just take this idiot to small claims court and get them money back. The guy has plenty of money--he just knows that Steve won't follow through. How is it his pot head theif of a friend figured out Steve was a wuss who doesn't do what he says he will and I missed it until recently.<br>
I'm worried that this will affect my relationships with others too. I've always been a person who trusts everyone, it never occurs to me that someone may not be truthfull. Now I find myself doubting people and not trusting them. While this may be good to a point, I do not want to change something that I frankly like about myself. I found myself checking out what a friend had told me--it sounded far fetched, turns out it was true, I felt like such a complete shit head for doubting her when she was in need. I don't like this side of myself.
 

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Shannon, I have been exactly where you are now except I was not married and I did not have a child with him.<br><br>
It has been my observation that people with addictions have character flaws. Lying is a character issue in my opinion. The desire for their drug over-rides their ability to be honest. They will lie to themselves and to others. My former boyfriend was a smoker. He quit for a short while (4 or 5 weeks) then went back to it. I left him when I discovered his well hidden crack cocaine use. After that relationship, I said I'd never again date a person with a drug addiction - legal or otherwise. I can't tolerate the character flaws I have experienced with addiction.<br><br>
You cannot control anothers behavior. All you can control is your reaction to it.<br><br>
You made a baby with a smoker. Even if you didn't want to do that. You have done that. Your child having a father trumps your desire to not have a smoker for a husband I believe. (IMO)<br><br>
Would he agree to go to counselling together? Obviously he feels threatened by your stance on his smoking and he is sneaking them out of fear of being caught. He does not have the strength to quit and your nagging just stresses him out even further, thus feeding his perceived need to smoke. Your freaking out about a behavior you cannot control and your concerns for his health are valid. I think some outside help would be beneficial.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
He'd be willing to go, but I don't think he's willing to actually do what it takes to work on things. He'll work his ass off for his job, but he won't put in the extra work into our marriage.<br>
You know, when we cut off his mother (his choice) she sent me an email telling me I'd poisoned him against her and that I'd never love him like she does. Maybe she was right, she can love him in spite of his lying (I think this has been a problem since he was a boy) I can't.<br><br>
Does anyone know if there is a nicotine test?? You know, if he could take a test to prove to me he wasn't smoking, I could get past it to an extent.<br>
What someone said about his lying about the little things makes me not trust him on the big ones is totally accurate.
 

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still, even if he goes to counselling, that's a start and even if he doesn't follow through on it - YOU can. it's for you too, and i'd highly recommend it. there's lots going on in the marriage that needs to be dealt with. i agree too, it's only affecting you by stressing and worrying over things you can't control, so for your sake, you need to find ways to change this.<br><br>
mandi
 

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Discussion Starter #12
You know, another aspect of this is that my own health is not great. I've come to terms with the fact I probably won't live a long life, but I can't come to terms with the fact that my daughter may loose both her parents far too early.<br>
My brother and his girlfriend are her guardians, but I want to make sure there is decent life insurance there so they won't be financially burdened by taking her (not that this would stop them from taking her) So it makes me really mad that unless he quits, life insurance is just unattainable for us.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
How insane would it be of me to train Havoc to detect tobacco?? Would that just be going too far?? He's already a certified narcotics dog, so it wouldn't take me more than a few weeks (like I have time to train my own dog right now-there are 2 in my basement that are paying to be here and I have not been getting nearly enough work done on them)<br><br>
For those who smoke or have dh's who smoke, I opened this almost full pack and could smell it strongly from an armslength away--do they go stale and stop smelling so strongly if they've been sitting in a hot car for a couple months?? I think this is another aspect of why I just don't believe him when he says they were from months ago.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>quietplease</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">, BUT you have to try to save the marriage for the good of your daughter.</div>
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I couldn't disagree more. How is it good for Molly to see that Daddy lies and Mommy accepts that? You want her to grow up to expect no respect for herself in romantic relationships?<br><br>
You need to do what's right for YOU- and that will also be right for Molly. She deserves a strong, healthy Mama, and it's hard to be strong and healthy in a lousy marriage.<br><br>
I think that you and DH should go into counseling separately. You each have your own issues to work through before you start working in therapy together. If he refuses to go to counseling, then I think a trial separation is in order- this will either be a wake-up call to DH that you mean business, or the start of a new life for you.<br><br>
I agree 110% that this isn't about the cigarrettes. It's about the lying and the distrust. <b>He</b> is going to have to work hard to earn back your trust. If he won't do the work, you have to decide if you want to stay with him the way he is or leave.
 

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">He's lied to me about feeding the dogs, about having a shower, about mailing an envelope, about cleaning something, it goes on and on.<br><br>
Another real issue is that he doesn't follow through on most of what he says. He tells me he'll do something and then just never does it, hoping I'll just forget.</td>
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when i read this part, i recognized the passive aggressive personality<br><a href="http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/" target="_blank">http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/</a><br><br>
there's a book called "living with the passive aggressive man." i think you'll find out a lot about yourself and your dh and your relationship with each other if you read it.
 

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What a mess <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I think finding a good couples counselor could help. Even if you don't currently believe he will change, it is a start. I think training the dog to detect nicotine is taking it too far. I am really surprised you couldn't smell the smoke on him all this time! It is usually super noticable. As far as life insurance policies- could you get one and not him? Have your daughter be the beneficiary.
 

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Shannon,<br><br>
The way I see this situation, its a control issue. I know you have leg. concerns, and they are real, yet that does not change the fact that the smoking is HIS issue. You cannot nag him into changing. I know, because at one time I weighed 413 pounds, food was MY issue. I have two kids, I had them then too, but no matter what dh said about loosing weight for health issues, about getting under control, about how I was going to die , etc, etc... it didn't help. Actually, it hurt. I couldn't stand having someone else tell me what to do, or look at me funny, or whatever. So, I would eat normally, or even to the extreme of very little, and when no one was watching I would binge. Then I could say I was trying, dh and the rest of the world were none the wiser, and I continued my addiction. Yet, I gained weight instead of loosing it...<br><br>
Your dh has an addition. Until you know what it is like to live with a REAL addition, it is hard to imagine it. He may want to get it under control, he may think he can, but ... up until now, he hasn't managed it. You cannot do it for him, its simply impossible. You CAN however, make him more nervous by harping on him, threatening to leave him, spying on him, etc. They way I see it, your issue is with you, not with him. You have to find a way to deal with your need to control this. I know you love him, and you only want the best for him and your daughter, but he is an adult and making his own decisions. I feel like you either have to accept that he has an addition to smoking or leave. You need counseling for YOU. You've been caught up, for far too long, in a pattern of spying and trying to catch, etc... THIS IS NOT YOUR ISSUE.<br><br>
Maybe you won't be able to live with your dh anymore, that is not for me to say, maybe you will. You might be able, with counseling, to let go of your desire to control him and enjoy what you DO have. One thing I know you have is a daughter together, and that is very important. Yet, as is often the case, loved ones of those dealing with an addition can be very hurt by the addition and never fully recover. You have to get help, for you, not for him.<br><br>
One thing I can tell you is that the road back from addition is NEVER over. That is why people call themselves recovering alcoholics 20 years after their last drink. I too am recovering (I've lost nearly 160 pounds), but its a long road, and no one can take that first step for you.<br><br>
Good luck, this isn't easy.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Shannon<br><br>
I too have a DH that smokes. He smoked when I met him, when we dated, and all through our relationship. He quit when we decided to get married because he knew I did not want to be married to a smoker.<br><br>
We were married 1.5 years when he started again. At first he lied to me about. Of course he did. I was always on his case about smoking, he knew I hated it, how I felt about it, etc. I would lie to me too. I realize more now that it is an addiction. I know this with my mom as she lies to me about smoking as well.<br><br>
After six months of him lying and me catching him in lies and fighting and sneaking, we sat down and talked. I basically gave up trying to get him to quit but I did lay down some ground rules.<br><br>
He is never to smoke at home, around the kids or around me. He must always wash up, change his clothes, brush his teeth, etc. Sometimes he must even shower. When he drinks and smokes he sleeps on the couch. I will not kiss or hug him if he smells or tastes like smoke.<br><br>
I also told him if he gets sick from anything related to smoking he is on his own. I have told my mother this as well. I will not pity a person who chose to do that for themselves.<br><br>
That's that. I pretend he doesn't do it. The kids don't have a clue. God forbid he does get sick but I guess that is his own selfishness and he can deal with it should that time come.
 

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Oh, this sucks. I'm sorry.<br><br>
My only good suggestion is to seek out a therapist skilled in counseling about addiction issues: the lying seems deeply connected with the smoking.<br><br>
My own dh can be passive-aggressive sometimes, and it gets *much* worse around his mother, who is just plain aggressive. She's pushy, and dh and FIL retreat... it's crazy to watch them act incompetent or do whatever they have to to avoid following her orders. My guess is that you've fallen into some kind of bad pattern with your dh where he feels put upon, and is actually resisting quitting cigarrettes *because* you want him to. What you said about his mother suggests to me that this is some kind of wierd holdover from his childhood. That's on him, not on you. But I don't think an ultimatum will make him stop smoking.<br><br>
If you feel like the marriage is worth saving, seek counselling, and eventually couples' counselling. If not, pack his stuff.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
alicia622, I caught whiffs of it every once in a while, but he goes to great lengths to hide it, brushing his teeth out in our parking area, changing clothes, he keeps a can of aerosol deoderant in the car--I know he hates it for his arm pits so I have to assume he sprays it on his clothing. It feels like he has this separate life that just revolves around his smoking.<br><br>
His mother is indeed responsible for much of this crap. If I didn't know that, I'd have ended things long ago. Little things like for the longest time, anytime we had a fight-even if it was blatently his fault, he just would not apoligize. I'm the type who if you say you're sorry and you even seem to mean it, I go, alright then, this is over, lets both try not to have it happen again. He grew up though with a mother who didn't care if you apoligized, hell she has never seen her granddaughter because she refuses to apoligize for absolutely horrendous behavior at our wedding.<br>
I don't expect him to quit cold turkey, but I do expect him to at least make an effort and at very least to be honest with me.
 
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