[laohaire]

I was thinking a few days ago how seriously, madly, thrillingly lucky I am to have DH - and thinking that I also lucked out that he and I see eye to eye on many issues that we never discussed while dating.

For example, we never discussed money matters, and fortunately we both turned out to be careful savers. Neither of us even knew ourselves what we were, especially DH, because his mother had forbidden that he learn adult money management (such as having a credit card, bank account, etc.). And, yes, he cut his apron strings to her before I even realized there was a potential problem there (1 month after we were engaged).

He and I both turned out to be attachment parents, another thing that I don't see how I could have known before. Sure, some of our parenting styles influence each other (i.e. he might have been a little more disciplinarian with another wife). No, I never, ever thought to discuss this before marrying him. I could have easily married a big CIOing, gimme-my-boobs-back-they're-mine, put-her-down-or-you'll-spoil-her, over-my-dead-body-will-you-homebirth husband, and I would never have known or made a good decision prior to marrying him.

No, we don't agree on absolutely EVERYTHING, but that makes us different people and interesting. Also we view any disagreements on decisions to be an opportunity for us to both figure out what is right (he is more impulsive and I am more careful, sometimes I can convince him and sometimes he convinces me, since neither approach is always right).

Though I couldn't have asked for a better match, I realized that I would have been smart to discuss the big issues - parenting, money, and probably religion (another averted potential disaster, as we are both ethnically Catholic, but I am really an athiest - yet I'm quite happy leaving our children's spiritualities up to DH and will reinforce his religious teachings).

Did you discuss these things prior to marriage?
If so, did it turn out good?
If not, did you regret it?

ETA: I do realize that though I didn't directly discuss this stuff, I did have things to base my judgement on - specifically, I knew he was not the controlling, my-way-or-the-highway type. I didn't think about it consciously or anything, but I did choose him in part because of his openmindedness.

 

[Clarinet]

I would have paid a lot more attention to his parent's relationship. We were partners before we got married and I didn't know his parents but for a couple of visits. After we got married, he became the boss and when we moved a few years ago to his hometown, I realized that's the way his father treats his mother and I'm not saying the relationship is wrong but it's not the kind of relationship I want and I might not have entered into it if I knew this would be the outcome.

I also would have discussed money matters. We don't have the same spending habits. I think he's wasteful and he thinks I'm controlling about the money. I also would have discussed future plans in more detail and with timelines. The things I said I'd like to set out and do he assumed would happen after the kids were grown and out of the house but my plans were more for when the kids started school.

 

[Verity]

I wish I had waited until I was not so needy. I was in my late 20s when I met my dh, "old enough" to most people, but had gone through some major life changes and was still trying to get my head back together. I don't know why dh stuck with me; perhaps he felt the need to rescue me. In any event, if I had it to over, I would not marry for emotional security.