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My husband and I have had serious issues for years, and counseling has only clarified that we're at a dead end.<br><br>
He's being very passive-agressive about taking any steps toward separating. It will probably be a challenge to get him to leave. If I take the kids and go, I need time to prepare.<br><br>
Right now I have no savings, no place to go, and earn a tiny bit of money. Since he's not a danger, it would be out of the frying pan and into the fire for me and the kids to leave suddenly.<br><br>
That said, it's excruciating to live together with so much resentment between us. I feel sad, angry, numb, distracted. I feel like I can't think about anything else properly.<br><br>
I could really use some tips on pulling myself together and getting busy with useful plans. Please.
 

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I couldn't read and not reply, although I don't have much advice, I just wanted to be of some good doing. I know it has to be very hard to be going through this and feeling so alone. I couldn't imagine, I just send my prayers your way and hope that things start looking up for you. Try to keep yourself busy with the children as much as possible and doing things for yourself (going out with girlfriends, catch a movie with the kids, take a walk to clear your head, yoga, workout) anything that may help keep your mind off the negative, and make you feel good about yourself as well. I'm sure your a beautiful soul, and any mommy deserves to always be smiling!! Keep your head up!
 

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sounds a little like my X and I before I left.<br><br>
Leaving is no piece of cake and looking back now I wish I could have stayed. If you and your kids are in no danger, I would advise intensive counseling for yourself and making the most of what you have for a while.<br><br>
out of the frying pan and into the fire is right. You can't really understand how divorce will change your life economically until you do it. You will have to find a way to support yourself, likely be away from your children all day, fight a divorce battle with a PA (and that costs money too)...what about health benefits for you and your children?<br><br>
Is there any way things might improve in the future? If not, get an education or be able to further your career so you have a way to support yourself before you divorce. There is no guarantee you will get $ from your X, you will have to be able to do it on your own. Can you put even small amounts of money away (in cash somewhere) for a rainy day? Can you afford a consult with a good divorce attorney to find out what your options are legally now, and in the future?<br><br>
Be as prepared as possible. If there is no danger, do not just leave without a plan or a way to support yourself.<br><br>
it is very, very hard and I wish I had been able to fix my marriage, as miserable as I was, to make a life for us as a family. The grass isn't always greener and now I have 2 small children and am faced with leaving my stay at home mom life behind to work and put my kids in daycare so we can make a living. Not my idea of improving my life.<br><br>
Not sure if this helps you or not....hugs mama
 

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I immersed myself in things that interested me (reading, crafts, having company).<br><br>
I did small jobs on the side so that I could put a little money in a separate bank account for myself.<br><br>
I researched lawyers.<br><br>
This was all before I had a child though.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> to you, mama.
 

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I have been lurking here for months wondering when was the right time to make this exact same post for myself! I now how hard it is. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
So I'm here offering support as someone going thru this right now. My H has been threatening divorce for 2 years now but hasn't filed. I wasn't so sure until recently that this was the absolute end. I never in my wildest dreams ever expected to do anything but grow old with him. Counselling only worsened things first with a horrible counsellor, then a good one but too late.<br><br>
What has worked for me is to get a good therapist for myself. To start placing my thoughts in the future created exactly how I would like it to be and make small steps to get there.<br><br>
Day to day is not difficult most days b/c my H is someone who loves to hide. He comes home and doesn't even look at me nevermind talk to me. However sometimes it is unbearable. Controlling the thoughts in your head is the best gift you can make to yourself. Not to focus on the bad, to practice lovingkindness, and to mentally separate yourself from him and his behavior if your decision has been made.<br><br>
I need to keep a lid on my anger when my H starts his stuff with respect to his care of DS, that's the hardest to deal with. (Right now they have spent at least 4 hours today playing video games ....argh... breathe!) I found that letting go of most things is easier than letting him have an opportunity to practice his passive aggressiveness on me. I just slipped up big time this wkend on this front and I should have just dealt with the durned smoke detector myself! When will I ever learn! But hey I'm human and being the sole responsible person sometimes is difficult when he has stopped doing pretty much everything around the house as part of his silent treatment to me. While you might not have the same issues as me in your relationship, I'm sure you can relate in some other way.<br><br>
However, every behavior and happening is documented and dated, and that makes me feel tons better even if I never go to court and need evidence. I do not even know if it will matter on important things... such as that he refused to see DS's allergy doctor, that he fights with me about whether or not DS even has life threatening food allergies, refused to carry the EpiPen for a year, didn't know how to use it, fed him food that could endanger DS's life... in addition to other menial things like ignoring smoke detector, refusing to deal with mold in kitchen, cutting me off of money except grocery and gas, spending ridiculous amounts on non necessities like eating out when I cannot get my car fixed, pay my therapist, or buy clothing or medical supplements except on credit, etc. etc.<br><br>
Reading through my notes also makes me feel that I am not crazy or overreacting as I'm accused of, that I am dealing with some really ridiculous stuff. And everything is going to work out for me just fine b/c I've dealt with it so far, and it will for you too. It's just going to suck in the short term.<br><br>
I read <i>Storms Cannot Hurt the Sky: A Buddhist Path Through Divorce</i> and it was really wonderful but very hard for me to practice at this point. It would be amazing if I could get to a place where I could wish my H well but it's hard to do that when he is actively hurting me so much. But it was a helpful read. Perhaps it will need to percolate in me for a bit and I will go back to it.<br><br>
I'm proud of myself for sticking around until I was sure this was something I wanted even if I had to file myself. And also making it to 10 years which will be at the end of this month (important for social security benefits).<br><br>
(Sorry to put so much of myself into your thread, hope it was somewhat helpful for you! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy">)
 

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Oh and I found that escaping for a few hours to indulge myself an absolute necessity. Whether it's driving an hour to walk along the ocean or a special state park or getting some trashy (free!) junk from the library. Candance Bushnell's books and cable series dvds like <i>Weeds</i>, <i>Rome</i> and <i>Big Love</i> are recent great finds.
 
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