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Discussion Starter #1
<p>This is very long:</p>
<p>I know I am not happy in my relationship, I am also 21 wks pregnant. I think i may have prenatal depression on top of that....or it may be situational depression. I'm having a  hard time figuring out between the 2.</p>
<p>My husband told me that he needed to go to Europe for a business trip and that we, the family could come along. He was very unclear about how much time he would need to be "working" and that was I ok doing things with out him and that sort of thing. I agreed that i didnt mind. He did say taht when work was over we oculd do things together as a family. Now this is where it gets very sticky. I do not interfere with his job at all. I prefer to not even talk about his work as I have no desire to hear about what he's doing. I have obvious reasons that I can not mention online. So.....we get to Europe and he doesnt work for a few days and we are able to get out and explore one day as a family. Then he needs to go to another country and asks us to come along....this is fine...however he says we will be gone for only one night and i pack for one night for  a2yo and 6yo...and i did bring an extra set of clothes. Well he has a friend show up and his friend has his family with him and they drive u sin a rented van to this other country. I love the town where we were, the next day we are to return to our rented apartment in city #1 and he says he needs to fly to yet another country with his friend...aka business partner. So he leaves me and the kids in hotel in city #2 for the night. Now....he does not call...he does send a email updating me on when he got their etc. I am ok with this. As I am in another country pregnant with 2 children, in a hotel. So he gets back from city #3 and is very ill, I ask him about his trip and he says "dont talk to me right now i'm in the middle of alot of things" all the while he is face down in his blackberry. Yet...he says to get ready and we go met his busines partner friends and his family again and go out to eat. He talks away with this man and his family in spanish....which i am not fluent.</p>
<p>He my DP has been gone for almost 2 days and i want to talk to him alone and he invites this other family...and has great conversation with them and will not talk to me.</p>
<p>Ok......so 1 night in city #2 has turned into 3 nights and i'm getting frustrated being in a hotel with little ones and no clean clothes and no idea of what is coming and going. I did have to go buy us all a new outfit...which i didnt mind....but still. I really wanted to get back to our apartment in city #1. So on the morning of the 3rd day in city #2 he asks me infront of this family...yet again...he has them meet us for breakfast. Why in the world can we not eat alone...he still has not talked to me about anything.</p>
<p>He asks me in front of them...what do I want to do. Because he needs to be in city #2 the next day till late and we need to check out of our apartment in city #1 the following morning....</p>
<p>i know this may be confusing but i have to explain........</p>
<p>i say that i want to take a train back to city #1 to wash clothes and have a down day to pack all of out things. And this makes him very mad....he preceeds to say ( in front of these other people) that he will just send us back home early so he can work....and he doesnt have to tell me anything...and he goes on a terribly hateful rant with me infront of these people. I was so embarssed that i didnt know what to do. I wanted to cry.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>i ended up extended our time on the apartment in city #1 so that we could have more lead way....anyhow...we did end up taking the train back to city #1 that night and he ignored me the entire time...mind you I have no clue why i'm getting this type of treatment. I'm so close to a breakdown..being so far away from home and not knowing from one day to the next where we will be...and having to deal with pregnancy and small children. I'm a bit overwhelmed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So back in City #1 and he leaves the next day....early in the morning....doesnt really tell me anything other than where he is going and when he might be back.</p>
<p>This is ok with me because i am really needing a break from him and his negative energy.</p>
<p>Me and the children have a wonderful day exploring the city and enjoyed every min of the day. We get back to the apartment late and i have a message saying to get the children ready and go get him something to eat...he has not gotten in yet...but it sounded like he would be their soon. Mind you it's 11:30 pm and it's about 20 degrees outside. Me and the kids had already ate...but i did feel</p>
<p>like a fresh walk at night would get the kids to sleep early so me and Dp could talk....oh not a good idea...nothing was open and it was a bit scarry that late at night...we did walk for 3 blocks and didnt find anything. As soon as we got back to the apartment i sent him a message telling him to pick up something before he got home because we could not find anything.</p>
<p>When he gets home he seemed to be in a great mood...until he says where the food? I explained what happened and he flipped, I asked him how his day went and did he see any snow and he said yet again...he didnt want to talk about it. And I asked do you want to hear about our day? And he flipped out......</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He left the apartment in a furry and went to find something to eat.</p>
<p>No talk when he returns</p>
<p>Next day....still not talking to me....i'm so depressed on this day i stay in the bedroom all day crying...i cant get out of bed....i'm so upset. Until later int he evening he starts to open up about what happened the day prior and every bit of his day was wonderful and grand and awesome. And ya know...I didnt want to hear about it.....i was over it...so i said i dont care what happend....i dont want to hear about it...and he got so mad...anyhow....</p>
<p>I could go on and on....but what i really want to know is</p>
<p>he left early yesterday morning to go to city #4 yet again with his friend and i dont even get a phone call, a email and message and it's 2am....i dont know if he coming that night or the next day. He didnt take any clothes or anything with him. I call his phone several times and it just rings and rings...and nothing. I'm a bit upset....i cant sleep unless I know for sure. So i email him and he says dont start with him..he doesnt have any credit on his phone.....the weather is bad and their is a 2 hr delay and they dont have anything for tomorrow. What the hell does all this mean? Is he coming or not? When will he be here. He doesnt have the key to the apartment either. So..if he did come and i wasnt here....well what then?</p>
<p>So i pretty much unloaded on him in the return email...that me and his family are not second to his work...that family comes first...and that i am so tired of being dumped on and that the no credit on his phone is an excuse...he has friends and can get a phone to at least call and check on us.</p>
<p>I just cant understand why a father and partner would not want to check in on his family who is in another country far far away from home....why are we not #1 in his life.....and all the what if's that could happen to us being alone in the huge city. He all of a sudden seems to just not care anymore. It's amazing to me. When we are back home in our home town....he always calls and always checks on us when he leaves.</p>
<p>He has been distant emotionally for several months....but this takes it to awhile other level.</p>
<p>What has happend, this all has come to a huge surprise to me.</p>
<p>He even mentioned that he would make it impossible for my older children to come spend christmas with us this year....as this year is my turn for christmas....this hit me so hard....i'm not sure if he is even serious or he said that because he was mad....but what the hell? I dont know what to think from one min to the next.</p>
<p>Does family not come first?</p>
<p> </p>
 

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In answer to the title of your post . .. . depends. When DH has been in Asia for work, he's contacted us about every two or three days, due to the time difference. When he's in the US (usually east coast), it's pretty much every day. Now, granted, it may be a quick email rather than a long phone call, but that's also ok. I can always get in touch with him if there's a problem, which makes being out of touch easier.<br><br>
But the issue isn't really about how much he contacts you or not . .. and I think you know that. That's part of a larger issue of disrespect and emotional manipulation. I've been following your posts for a while, and it really sounds grim. Furthermore, and it's completely not my business, I realize, but the business sounds pretty dodgy. This is the same partner or yours who got deported from the US right? I'd be *very* careful with these business associates, especially when you're so far away. No chance at all of going back to NC to live?<br><br><img alt="hug.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"> Hang in there.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
<p>disrespect and emotional manipulation...you hit it on the nail. Your so right...that is the real issue at this point.</p>
<p>I have so many things to have to sort out....headed back to NC seems so overwhelming.....yet living like this is no ok with me....i cant be on the roller coaster for much longer...i'm gonna crash and i feel it coming...the other day i mentioned to my sister that i want to take a long walk and never come back.....I guess im so shocked with the disrespect and manipulation that i dont know how to deal with it.</p>
 

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<p>You need to return to NC.  Yes, it's going to be overwhelming and hard, but sitting passively in this situation which frankly sounds incredibly unstable and dangerous is not an option.  You owe your kids more than this.  Find a way to leave safely and do it, it's not going to get any better.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #5
<p>Ok, here's the big baby or should I say the depressed mama, How do I leave..I'm at the point where I need someone to come along and pick me up or tell me exactly what to do. I'm barely taking care of myself and my children...how would I even get the energy to make any big choices or decisions?</p>
 

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<p>Dh and I talk daily even if it is just a quick," We are alive and well,love you!" Anything can happen and so checking in is important. Don't know what is going on with your relationship,but it does sound like you need to come back to the US. If you can not buy tickets yourself then ask family in the US to buy them.  I would let dh know after the fact. If things could get violent I would just leave.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Sometimes leaving a spouse makes them realize what they are losing.Sometimes they don't care.Either way life is way to short to share with someone who treats you poorly.</p>
 

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<p>DH and I almost always talk on the phone once a day.  Occasionally that just doesn't work and we email instead.  We always check in.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>What you are describing really isn't about checking in on business trips.  Leaving you in a hotel with few resources and no idea when he is coming back?  That is absolutely inappropriate behavior.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>You have a default destination in returning to the US because I would certainly go to where your older children are living.  I would start by taking an inventory of your resources?  Do you have access to money for travel?  Do you have a car that you need to move with you?  How much do you want to take from your current home?  Can you plan a move with the knowledge of your H or is it something that you would need to surprise him with? </p>
 

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<p>My DP travels a great deal and has a very very high stress (<em>everything is an emergency that he has to solve</em>) job.... he gets 100s of emails and phone calls on multiple phones each day ---- on top of that we are both single parents.  We actually "talk" on the phone more when he is out of town than when he is local unless he is out of the country.  Because of his job he really likes to "unplug" in his free time so he is not a big phone person.  Most times we chat 1-2 times each trip and several times via email / text.  It is rare we go 48 hours without some sort of communication if he is in the US.  When he is out of the country I might only get an email or two over a weeks time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>While I do miss him, I respect that he is not a phone chatty person.  It can be tough not being able to chat at times, but I know if I need him I can email him and have a response relatively quickly if something is urgent. Also I appreciate that he is thoughtful enough to send sweet text and emails just to touch base.  It also works because we both like having some space. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>That said your situations to me more have to do with mental health and stress relief than a number of class..... </p>
<p> </p>
<p>If your other half has a stressful job how he deals with his stress is a factor to consider as well ---- right now it seems as if perhaps it is exploding on you (i.e. kick the dog), which is unhealthy for all of you. My DP handles he stress when he is at his limit by retreating from me which drives me insane (and of course he gives me no warning of this so I worry something bad took place).  But I have also seen him talk extremely curt to his assistants during intense moments which I have made <span style="text-decoration:underline;"><em>very very clear is an unacceptable way to speak with me.</em></span>  So if he needs his space (even when it drives me insane) I do respect it is his coping tool and all things considered it is healthier than some other ways of stress relief.</p>
 

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<p>I agree this has nothing to do with just the calls and everything to do with how he treats you. I know it seems impossible, so many hurdles to overcome, but you need to go back to NC, now, before this baby comes. I can't remember if you family was supportive or not, do you have anyone, an old friend even that could help you through this? If not, you can do this, you are one strong mama, you really can do it even if it doesn't feel like it. </p>
 

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I thought that you mentioned in previous posts that your DH was not allowed to leave the country due to a conviction. Regardless, the situation you describe in your post sounds as you could be in a very dangerous situation with your husband and his business dealings. If I was in your shoes I would move heaven and earth in finding a way back to the states as soon as possible for the sake and safety of your children.
 

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<p>To answer the question: when my DH is away, we talk at least once a day. But holy cow, what kind of crazy situation are you in? And I hesitate to ask what kind of business your DH is in. I haven't read any of the back story, so if I'm way off base, just ignore me. Myself, I'm a worrier and a contingency plan maker. If I were in your shoes, I'd be figuring out how to get out of Europe on a schedule I was comfortable with. How long are your visas? Do you & hubby have only US passports/citizenship, or is it possible for him to stay longer, because maybe he's an EU citizen? Do you have return tickets in hand? Are you able to get to the city of your departing plane on your own if necessary? Do you have enough money to fend for yourself and children if he doesn't show up when he says he will? Disrespect and emotional manipulation doesn't seem to cover this situation. He sounds unstable. I wouldn't want to be in that situation, esp. pregnant with children. </p>
 

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<p>you guys were in mexico before, right? Is this why he invited you to come with him to europe, because of the instability in mexico right now? I kind of agree that it sounds unstable for you guys and you might be better off finding a permanent "home base" type situation, be that in NC or elsewhere. It doesn't have to mean you wouldn't ever seehim again, if you are not ready for that kind of decision. Just look at it as getting some permanency for your kids while he gets all his business straightened out. And I personally would rather be doing that in the US than elsewhere, if only for the familiarity and tha fact that you can access gov't resources (or can you, since you guys are married and he was deported? hmmmm....)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And no judgement here, in my family and my dp's family we have people with all types of convictions, deportations, under the table businesses, you name it. In my experience it does not usually lead to anything good....just sayin....</p>
 

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I'm dying to know what your DP does for a living. It doesn't really sound conducive to raising a family.
 

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<p>To answer the original question- my dp travels for work and I usually hear from him at least once a day. The trip there (overseas) I often will get a call from him right before he leaves the US and then I may or may not hear from him for the next day (because he has to fly across the ocean and then get to his hotel and then get his phone situation set up. Often there are glitches with that so I don't fret if I don't hear from him that first day). On his way back I usually hear from him the night before he leaves (right before he takes down his computer, which is how he calls me) and then I won't hear from him again until his plane lands somewhere in the US. If he's traveling in the US then I hear from him at least once a day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When I say "hear from him" it is about 75% of the time a phone call. The other 25% of the time is a video call so ds can see dp. I also get various emails through the day.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>If we were in another country together where he was doing work I would expect that his focus would be on work. I would fully expect to be doing most stuff alone with ds. I would not expect to be spending a lot of alone time with dp if he were there for work. HOWEVER, I would also expect to be treated with respect and dignity. I can't imagine him pulling the crap your dh is/did.</p>
 

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<p>Is there any way you can bail from this trip early and fly straight to NC?  And then reassess the situation from there?  Because you are in a very dangerous position, and being treated abusively.  Your husband's behavior is extremely erratic, and I'm nervous for your wellbeing.</p>
 

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<p>I don't remember the OP ever saying that her DH's job was somehow not legal.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I agree with others, if you are unhappy with your relationship, and DH doesn't want to work on making better, then get out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>BUT...You've been saying for some time how unhappy you are that you live in Mexico and can't do anything there, and don't know anyone there. Your DH can't go back to the US. So basically your living situation sucks, and your DH knows how unhappy you are, and he's totally impotent when it comes to fixing it for you. That has to be really frustrating for him. Now obviously, he could handle his frustration better, but we are not always at our best under stress.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe taking you to Europe was his way to try to make you happier. You complain...I can't go anywhere. He takes you traveling around Europe to try to make you happy, but that's not making you happy either. You say...I don't have any friends. He's gets his partner and his family to come hang around with you to try to have people for you to spend time with, but you don't want to spend time with them. Men try to fix stuff, and from a purely objective perspective, it seems like that is what he trying to do, and you seem to be as miserable as you were back home. I kind of get why he's acting like a jerk. I get that he doesn't think things through, or doesn't discuss things with you enough, but don't you know that by now? If he says we're going to go somewhere for a day, why not realize "hmmm, he sometimes doesn't plan well" and pack yourself a small bag for a short trip (even if it does end up a day only) and save yourself the aggrevation of not being prepared?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I hate to sound harsh, because I have read your previous posts and I feel for you. I know you must be really miserable in that situtation. But you can't just sit around and feel sorry for yourself. Come back to the US, get a job, and start living the life you miss; or learn spanish and deal with the risks you have to take on by living someplace less safe than you are used to and make the life that you want for yourself with your husband in Mexico. If you aren't going to get on a plane and come back right now, then for pity's sake, make your own plans in Europe and enjoy yourself if you're going to stay! Make sure you have some money and a good CC in case of an emergency and tell dh to go work and you'll be at the apartment or around town and ready to hang out as a family when he can fit it in. Or like I said before, travel around with him, but make sure you're prepared with the things you need for travel. You have to start being proactive. You're the only one who can make you happy, and if you depend on others to do it you're always going to be dissapointed.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>Banana731</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282999/if-your-dp-travels-for-work-how-often-does-he-contact-you-while-he-is-gone#post_16094719"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>I don't remember the OP ever saying that her DH's job was somehow not legal.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I agree with others, if you are unhappy with your relationship, and DH doesn't want to work on making better, then get out.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>BUT...You've been saying for some time how unhappy you are that you live in Mexico and can't do anything there, and don't know anyone there. Your DH can't go back to the US. So basically your living situation sucks, and your DH knows how unhappy you are, and he's totally impotent when it comes to fixing it for you. That has to be really frustrating for him. Now obviously, he could handle his frustration better, but we are not always at our best under stress.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Maybe taking you to Europe was his way to try to make you happier. You complain...I can't go anywhere. He takes you traveling around Europe to try to make you happy, but that's not making you happy either. You say...I don't have any friends. He's gets his partner and his family to come hang around with you to try to have people for you to spend time with, but you don't want to spend time with them. Men try to fix stuff, and from a purely objective perspective, it seems like that is what he trying to do, and you seem to be as miserable as you were back home. I kind of get why he's acting like a jerk. I get that he doesn't think things through, or doesn't discuss things with you enough, but don't you know that by now? If he says we're going to go somewhere for a day, why not realize "hmmm, he sometimes doesn't plan well" and pack yourself a small bag for a short trip (even if it does end up a day only) and save yourself the aggrevation of not being prepared?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I hate to sound harsh, because I have read your previous posts and I feel for you. I know you must be really miserable in that situtation. But you can't just sit around and feel sorry for yourself. Come back to the US, get a job, and start living the life you miss; or learn spanish and deal with the risks you have to take on by living someplace less safe than you are used to and make the life that you want for yourself with your husband in Mexico. If you aren't going to get on a plane and come back right now, then for pity's sake, make your own plans in Europe and enjoy yourself if you're going to stay! Make sure you money and a good CC in case of an emergency and tell dh to go work and you'll be at the apartment or around town and ready to hang out as a family when he can fit it in. Or like I said before, travel around with him, but make sure you're prepared with the things you need for travel. You have to start being proactive. You're the only one who can make you happy, and if you depend on others to do it you're always going to be dissapointed.</p>
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<p><br>
I so SO agree with all of this. </p>
 

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Discussion Starter #18
<p>Banana....THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH....you GET me...you get this situation...you broke it down for me. I have been in a fog and couldnt see out. The fog could be severe depression....that's gone untreated or unnoticed for way to long already.</p>
<p>You are so right....i'm not happy with me and no one can even try to make me happy. No matter what. I have to find that with in before i can find it on the outside.</p>
<p>Thank you so much for bringing it to light the way you did.</p>
<p>I'm not in any position to defend any part of my life to cyber mama's.</p>
<p>I just needed some support and GOT it.</p>
<p>Thank you again Banana mama :)</p>
 

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<p>Hey Mama!<br>
 </p>
<p>I just wanted to offer some support, and say I completely agree with everything Banana said. I haven't seen your other posts, but I will say that the best piece of advice I could give you is to make the best out of any place you live. I know it's not easy. As a military wife we move every so often (for most military families it's every 3 years, because of my hubby's job we seem to move every 6 months!) I have found that whether or not my family thrives in our new environment is solely dependent on whether or not I am in a positive or negative mood about where we are.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's so hard to be away from family. It's hard to adapt to things I don't like (Extreme heat, no snow, even scorpions!!) The army currently has us living in housing with mold and cock roaches (yes, seriousy!) and trust me, I could get really negative about our situation. However, I know there is no point and my hubby and my kids will be miserable. Instead, I'm just thankful we are together and we are working hard to take care of the not-so-good stuff on our own.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I went through a separation with DH when I was pregnant (gone with the Army) and I was waaaay more emotional and borderline *crazy* heh. It was really difficult.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I really hope you can find some inner peace, and be who you need to be for your kids and hubby. I don't know your circumstances, but I just wanted to post and let you know you aren't alone!</p>
 
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