If your partner wanted something that wasn't in the best interest of you/your family...

I just felt like it was such a strange thing to say -- basically he's saying that he's not happy here and he ultimately wants to be in a place that we can't afford, and is willing to wait for that opportunity. But that means he's going to bide his time for -- what? 20 years? 10 years? 5 years? And what if the kids want to stay here, will he still want to go? Is being in a certain location more important than our family being together? Does his want for SoCal override the rest of our family?

I am so confused. This was really out of nowhere.

In the last year I've lost a bunch of weight and started midwifery school and an apprenticeship, and I'm more busy than ever -- maybe he just wants life back to "normal." I hope that's it.

San Diego. That's where he's from, and that's where he wants to live.

I asked him if he wanted to take part of our tax refund and go for a visit -- if he really wants that, maybe it will get the urge to be in San Diego out of his system -- but he said no, he wants all of us to go. Driving would take 5 days, and flying would cost a fortune for all six of us, so it seems impossible.

He also seems bitter that since we now live closer to my parents, we visit them more frequently and don't see his family.

Hmmm, I think a big conversation is in order. We need more information, lol.
I am curious to what his answers to your questions are.

Tell him the traffic in SD still sucks Although they did fix the 15, expanded it, it doesnt even look the same as it did when we left nine years ago.

We were from the Escondido/San Marcos area, so I will never understood wanting to move back to that but if he was from a GOOD part, then I can see it.

Still cant afford it though even though most housing dropped 200K in value overnight. I just heard houses in Lake Elsinore that used to be over 500K are now 250K, but who wants to live there?

We were out for a visit last year, but it was super short. Even though it is costing us a about 5K, we are spending two weeks out there in Oct. It is important to our families. When you have a cute two year old, you have to show him off, ya know.

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Yup, that's exactly what you do. You drop it and don't bring it up unless he does, first.

He knows you can't move there now. I think he's just venting. (And I'm speaking from just about identical experience, here). If and when the time comes that it's financially feasible, you can discuss it then. For now, I doubt he expects you to do anything other than know how he feels.

Okay, details on the convo, which happened during our date tonight.

Dh: "My goal is to eventually move back to San Diego."'
Me: crickets
Dh: "I want to be near my family."
Me: "The kids and I are your family. Not to mention, your sisters and your mom all want to move OUT of San Diego because it's so expensive. And your dad lives in Murrietta even though he works in San Diego because he can't afford to live in San Diego."
Dh: "I just feel like I'm biding my time with jobs and houses until we get back out there."
Me: "You're unhappy here?"
Dh: "No, I just want to move back to San Diego."
Me: "We can't afford it. There's no neighborhood in San Diego where we could have our house with our backyard. And the kids and I love it here!"
Dh: "I know that. But it's too cold here."
Me: crickets (I grew up in the midwest, Charlotte is NOT cold!)
Dh: "I know we can't afford it unless we win the lottery or I get a huge pay raise. But I want to live in San Diego again. That's my ultimate goal. Eventually."
Me: "Do you want to take some of the money from our tax refund and visit?"
Dh: "No. I want to live there again."

I don't get it. His family are all practically broke -- not a single member of his family in San Diego owns their own house because they can't afford it. He grew up in Imperial Beach and Chula Vista (which is where we lived, in our postage-stamp house with no backyard for $425K).

I just feel like he's totally romanticizing San Diego and his family and that bothers me. The traffic is bloody hell. His family are NOT at all ap/nfl and think we're crazy freaks. When his mom came out here to visit a few months ago, she spanked our 3yo, twice, in public! His dad and one of his sisters are born again Christians (dh is an agnostic scientist). Not to mention money. I hate to keep thinking about it, but damn, we are scraping by here in Charlotte, NC, where the recession isn't that bad. His salary is down 10% since December due to cutbacks.

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I'm an only child, and my parents would probably visit frequently no matter where we lived. They did come out regularly (every 2-3 months) when we lived in SD. They even came out regularly when we lived in Yuma, AZ!

But yes, I think it's kind of sucky that he said that. We don't live near my family now; it's about a 12h car ride. It's not like they come over on the weekends and babysit.

And also, when we do visit my parents, they pay for our fuel. Again, only child, parents have some money that they are willing to spend on seeing us. If dh's parents paid for the cost of a visit, I'd visit!

I don't know how I'd handle that, but I can kind of understand your dh. We're going to have to move at some point, because we can't really afford to live here...and I hate even thinking about it. I strongly suspect that, wherever I may live in the future, this will always be my home. It's not (at least in my case - obviously, I don't know your dh) about romanticizing it - this is home.

I think people who don't have this kind of "hometown" thing just don't get it.

I do want to point out a couple things about your stance/view on this:

1) You're concerned about "what if the children want to stay?" What if they don't? My in-laws have been in Knoxville their whole lives, aside from a couple years in Connecticut. DH grew up there. I don't think he ever thought he'd live anywhere else...but he's here in Vancouver. Staying home didn't help them. Once children are grown, people pretty much have to decide where to live based on what they want...not on trying to stay close to their kids.

2) It doesn't seem like you said anything to your dh, but that thing about "this isn't cold" rubbed me the wrong way. DH is from TN. He's been here 8 years. He hates the rain, and I don't think that's ever going to change. I can sit back and think "hah - I grew up here - this is no big deal"...but he didn't. Just because Charlotte isn't cold to you (doubt it would be to me, either - probably way too hot) doesn't men it's not too cold for him.

Anyway...I wish you all luck in sorting this out. He may even know he can't realistically go back to San Diego. That doesn't mean he's going to stop wanting to.

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I'm not sure yet how to multi-quote, so I have to keep replying :

If he's venting, I can take that. But I feel so differently, it's really hard for me to sympathize. I love it here -- and also, wherever my kids and partner is, that's my home. And also it's hard for me to imagine he's making a 20 or 30 year plan. Is he making a plan? Are we doing something about this? Is this going to become a point of contention if I don't get on board? Because I really don't want to move back to San Diego. If the COL wasn't outrageous, I'd be all for it, but it's just not even remotely realistic.

Are we socking money away for "someday" moving back to San Diego? Are we looking at jobs on monster.com? Or is this just like, "Someday I want to take a kid-free vacation to the beach"?

Well, I just had to pop in and say hello!



I live in Charlotte (Weddington) and I love it. Love LOVE LOVE it!

I'm sorry your hubby wants to leave. Sounds like he was just thinking out loud. Maybe he just wanted to clear the air and perhaps get you thinking on his side. I'm sure once he heard you verbalize the facts - he'll calm down.

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Yeah, I probably am my mind is already going a zillion different directions on this.

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Too bad you didn't live closer when we were both in AZ. I think we would have had a great time over-analyzing things together Maybe in 30 years we can visit...you know, when you're in San Diego and I'm in Tucson :

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:snort: :

To overanalyze further: I feel like this is emblematic of dh's utter inability to live in the moment and be HAPPY.

And I know that (either I'm completely wrong or) it's not my job to try and help him get happy, but should he decide that we need to move (AGAIN; we've already lived in 3 different states in our six year marriage) it will affect my life greatly, so I'd like some say in the matter!