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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Please tell me I'm not the only one who is married to a very very conservative person.<br><br>
I suppose our parenting techniques weren't the first thing we thought of when we got together...I also suppose he thought that I would just go along with whatever he thought best.<br><br>
He does tend to think like that a lot.<br><br>
In the 5 years (and 2.5 kids) we've been together, my parenting views have taken on a very different angle from what he (and his family) believe in. This wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that I had to get over my "MUST MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY!" complex and that's taken some time.<br><br>
My first 2 births were simply not good. I truly believe that my first son's birth contributed to my severe PPD and my inability to bond with him for nearly 6 months. That and my "failure" to breastfeed. I was 19, no resources (didn't even know about LLL!) and my mother-in-law was/is a firm believer in the "nurse for 6 weeks and quit" thing.<br><br>
Blah.<br><br>
Anyhow, even after having a midwife with my 2nd son's birth...she threw my birthplan out the window within the first 15 minutes of me getting to the hospital...I just wasn't happy with how ANYTHING went.<br><br>
34 weeks into THIS pregnancy...after months of agonizing about having trust issues with the midwife (different from last time, at least) and fearing the hospital/doctors...I decided to go UC.<br><br>
Cue in some MAJOR fits from my hubby and the inlaws. Hubby was my first obstacle. I threw article after article at him, explained WHY I wanted one...argued and debated until I couldn't speak anymore...and somehow...my husband who has spent the last 4 years swearing up and down that I would NEVER give birth at home...consented to a UC.<br><br>
I'm still trying to figure out how that happened. I was convinced that I would have to hide my labor from him and go "oops".<br><br>
But then his mother got wind of it. Oh man, that wasn't fun. She blew up at him (I wasn't present) and he defended me and my choices.<br><br>
Just picture my jaw dropping to the floor.<br><br>
After the whole ordeal, they are now forbidden to say anything to me about it.<br><br>
So far so good...but what happens when she/they can't hold their tongues anymore?<br><br>
I'm so not conflict-friendly. I freeze up and all those great comebacks I have in my head RIGHT NOW kind of fly away.<br><br>
29 days until my "due date". Hopefully I can hold them off for that long!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> 's, Sarah. I'm glad you found this wonderful place to come to for support <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br>
I don't have a lot to say. I already told you it before. I hope the inlaws leave you alone, at least til AFTER she is born.<br>
I got lucky and my "inlaws" were really supportive of the UC, but my own mom on the other hand, and sister, were very very against it. Trying to give me all the scare tactics they could think of. My mom even trid to use the excuse of a "Baby too big", in reference to her own last birth (10 pound baby resulted in C-sec)... You just have to ignore all the crap. If you block it out things will be fine. One thing I've learned with pregnancy and birth is fear definately creates problems.
 

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Good for you for standing your groun and nowing what is best for you and for your birth.<br>
hugs on the inlaw thing and cudos for dh standing up for you!!!!<br>
If they try to bring anything up I'd just walk away and have dh deal with them. And I wouldn't plan to be alone with them if you don't like conflict or confrontations.<br>
I would be in the same situation if my inlaws got wind of our uc plans. So far we are going on what they don't know won't hurt them. They haven't asked anything we dont' tell anything. MIL kinda freaked on the whole NO ultrasound so you can imagine how she would react to uc! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> We also haven't told them we are babymooning for the first month if not 6 weeks. So we won't be travelling to see them and I really doubt they will travel to see us or maybe I hope they won't travel to see us. Oh well!
 

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I'm so glad your husband is now on your side. It can be very isolating to plan an UC with no support IRL and a fearful partner opposing you.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TheTinkyMamma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8192193"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">After the whole ordeal, they are now forbidden to say anything to me about it.<br><br>
So far so good...but what happens when she/they can't hold their tongues anymore?</div>
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Can you limit your interactions with them for the next month? Can you and your dh agree let it be known there was a miscalculation and your due date is two or three weeks later?<br><br>
With certain boundary violators, my dh and I have brainstormed and role played to come up with workable Plan Bs when visiting extended family. We've successfully implemented a few Plan Bs but IMO we got far more benefit from the process of developing them. We spoke out our fears about behaviors of unsafe people, agreed they were unhealthy, worked as a team to support each other, and went into the event relaxed instead of on needles, anxiously awaiting some unknown but coming attack.<br><br>
FWIW I think a lot of true conservatives would be supportive of UC. The libertarians are for lack of government interference in personal freedoms. Most true conservatives are against insurance companies interfering in medical care. I think the only ones that would be against UC would be those believing George Lakoff's "strict father" frame and those who call themselves conservatives who are actually believe in laws favoring corporate interests over peoples' interests. JMO.<br><br>
~BV
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>LifeHasAFunnyWay</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8193691"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">:...My mom even trid to use the excuse of a "Baby too big", in reference to her own last birth (10 pound baby resulted in C-sec)... You just have to ignore all the crap.</div>
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Yeah but sometimes dealing with the crap head on dispels it. We all know fearful people aren't persuaded by statistics. What would have happened if you said, "Yeah, Mom, I know you needed a C-sec but you have to understand I'm not you. I've had so much sex you could back a Mack truck in there." If my mother brought it up again it certainly wouldn't be in my presence. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
~BV
 

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First of all, HEY TINKY! Welcome to the boards. (Hey, you might have been here for a while, but I haven't seen you in any of the threads I've been browsing).<br><br>
Secondly, go hubby for defending you. *Woot*<br><br>
I don't remember if you mentioned this a while back or not, but has your hubby done any reading up on anything according to his specific role and how to be supportive of you during your labor? Would probably be comforting to him to have an actual role (massage, being a supportive "beam" for you to lean on, etc).<br><br>
Y'know, a lot of my family WONT understand. My mom's side, pretty "with it" although some of them would still consider it risky, they wouldn't be argumentative. My dad's side? What? Midwife? What? Homebirth? What? Natural? GAHHHhh (well, at least, most of them are that way). I wouldn't dare say I was having an unassisted birth at home until I'd already had a successful one.<br><br>
It's "Nunya", or "none of your business"... and they really dont need to know anything about anything. Avoid talking about the subject with anyone who cannot be supportive, because that's the last thing you need.<br><br>
Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself and say, "I know we're not going to agree on this subject, so I'd rather not discuss it with you."<br><br>
If they keep talking about it, hang up, walk away, whatever. They'll get the point.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>TheTinkyMamma</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8192193"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">29 days until my "due date". Hopefully I can hold them off for that long!</div>
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We have the same due date! How exciting ! I am dealing with the same problem as you, my husband is very supoportive of homebirth/ UC but my mum is not. She did exactly what your MIL did, but she did speak to me not my husband. I tried to educate her, give her statistics and articles about homebirth/ UC but she refuses to read them<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: . She speaks to other people who have no idea about UC/ homebirth and comes back with their opinions about it. The last time she went to a doc for a chrorohexidine persctiption for me (in case of GBS+ there is nothing like Hibiclens in Poland). The doc is her friend and she told her about my plans (sort of as she knows I plan to have a homebirth, if she knew I'm planning UC she would drop dead<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">: ). Anyways she came back and said the doc was teriffied when she heard what I planned and that homebirth is very unsafe for the baby<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/loveeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loveeyes">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/loveeyes.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Loveeyes">: . Before that she also said she spoke to a girl who is studying to be a midwife and who recently had a baby. My mum said I should speak to her because this would change my mind about birth at home. They don't teach midwifes about homebirths in Poland and on top of that the midwife to be has serious health problems (she has a Pituitary gland tumor). She told my mum I should go to the hospital and speak to one of the OBs as he is the most compasionate doc in the hospital which in her dictionary means the one who does the most cc without a reason, saying "why would you want to get too tired?"<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: For me this kind of doc is my worst nightmare as I think cc is reserved for life saving situations.<br>
So now, after 8 months of trying to convice my mum I'm not trying to put my and baby's life in danger (she actually said I'm doing it!) I give up. She is not allowed to speak to me about it anymore, or come over during the birth, period! This is the only way you can deal with some people.
 

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Yay for good husbands!<br><br>
If your in-laws break the no talking about it rule, then your husband should deal with them. You don't need that stress right now at all. You should be so proud of him for doing what he did for you. If he does have to deal with them like that again, make him feel like it was worth it...if you know what I mean.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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You're not the only one. My dh is married to a very, very conservative person. I won't abide any of these ridiculous, new-fangled notions, like babies should only be delivered by paid experts and in hospitals. Just because the conventional is widespread does not make it the traditional, conservative or old-fashioned choice. The <span style="text-decoration:underline;">really</span> old-fashioned way to birth is at home. I do all of parenting the way my great-grandmothers did - breastfeeding, ec'ing, self-reliance, the lot of it. In the history of humanity, it's the mainstream ideas that are aberrant, risky and experimental, NOT UC'ing. How can obs really vouch for their safety when their practices haven't been around long enough to evaluate long-term consequences?
 

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<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>bryonyvaughn</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8194797"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">What would have happened if you said, "Yeah, Mom, I know you needed a C-sec but you have to understand I'm not you. I've had so much sex you could back a Mack truck in there."<br><br>
~BV</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/spitdrink.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="spitdrink"><br><br>
My ILs have no idea we're planning a UC. I'm 28.5 weeks and they think I've seen a midwife once, and they keep asking when I'm going to get to a doctor and what hospital I'm going to go to . . . I keep stalling and saying I'm working on it. I still don't know what I'm going to tell them. They are very conservative and medically-minded (MIL is a nurse at an OBs office).<br><br>
Yay to your husband for sticking up for you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I suppose I should have described him as "mainstream" more than conservative. lol. He has that "Doctors are God" mindset.<br><br>
MIL was not supposed to know of my/our plans at all. But I mentioned that I had a meeting with my doula and she started researching doulas. She connected "doula" with "homebirth" and confronte my husband about it. He wasn't going to LIE to her...but he also wasn't expecting such a HUGE reaction from her. She's really not that willing to learn about it and already has it in her head that what I'm doing is stupid and dangerous.<br><br>
Hmm...that's how I feel about delivering in the hospital.<br><br>
My husband is trying...he's reading the books I've bought, at least. He would probably do better if I had a midwife there, but I really don't think I could have a comfortable labor with one there...my trust-issues are off the map.<br><br>
I may end up kicking HIM out of the room until I push her out. He'll be alright for a few days and then he'll have a momentary freak out. I don't need that when I'm trying to focus on the contractions.<br><br>
Ah well, I'll take that hurdle when I get there. lol.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>AllieFaye</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8199521"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">You're not the only one. My dh is married to a very, very conservative person. I won't abide any of these ridiculous, new-fangled notions, like babies should only be delivered by paid experts and in hospitals. Just because the conventional is widespread does not make it the traditional, conservative or old-fashioned choice. The <span style="text-decoration:underline;">really</span> old-fashioned way to birth is at home. I do all of parenting the way my great-grandmothers did - breastfeeding, ec'ing, self-reliance, the lot of it. In the history of humanity, it's the mainstream ideas that are aberrant, risky and experimental, NOT UC'ing. How can obs really vouch for their safety when their practices haven't been around long enough to evaluate long-term consequences?</div>
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Well said. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 
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