Mothering Forum banner
1 - 5 of 5 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,858 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, first let me say that I have personal problems with my IL's, (think Everyone Loves Raymond, with the controlling-poor-me-I'm-such-a-perfect-wife-and-mother MIL and the too-obedient-to-say-something son) so this may be a problem with me, that's why I wanted to ask here. When we visit my IL's (they live across the street btw) they are so annoying (in my eyes) with dd (16 months) For one, they want to hold and hug and kiss on her, and she wiggles away from them. She just wants to run around and play. For two they will let her play with the glass chess set (among other things, this is just what it was tonight) for a minute and then when she is too rough (DUH!!) they say ok, no more. But leave the chess set on the low table! Or hold her up to play with the light switches, and then all of a sudden decide it's not a good idea. It frustrates her (and me). Or they are SOOOOO da*n loud. They will say "Abby, Abigail, Abby, Look look here Abby, Abby, Abigail, Abby, look what I have Abby Abby Abby Abby Abby" (no kidding, my FIL said her name 5 times in a row!) It's is so aggravating. DD seems fine. I always take her if she cries or seems at all uncomfortable. I am seen as the mean controlling (regarding dd) DIL by them. It makes me not want to visit. The volume level when they speak to her is way above MY comfort level. I try to model how we speak to dd by speaking softly, and calmly. Calling her name one time and then going to her and touching her getting on her level, ect. They dont get it. Should I say something (to dh or them) about it? Or is this one of those things I let go, since there will eventually be another thing I have to talk to them about? Since I am the only one that seems to be bothered by it? DD has a good time with them, she is happy to see them, so I think she is ok, it's just the constant squeaking of the annoying toys they have, the loud voices, the funny faces getting right in her face, I would smack them if they did that to me! But I generally like quiet anyway, so is it ok for dd to be exposed to this once in a while (1-2x per week, 1-2 hours at a time)? I am trying to do things like in the book The Unprocessed Child, so I am creful as to what I say to her and pretty much allow her free reign, so how much will she be affected by other people who dont treat her the same way? Where it's not ok to touch or play with whatever? I mean she will eventually encounter rules (even if its not at home per se) in her life right? She will eventually have people tell her no, right? (IL's DO NOT correct her, btw, they know I would kill them!) And my last question is, in our culture (spanish) it is customary to kiss on the cheek as a greeting. My IL's are kinda pushy (by asking over and over and over for a kiss) with dd. Sometimes (most times) she will lean in for a kiss, but when she doesn't I usually say, how about blowing a kiss, and she does that. I do not ever want to convey the message that people bigger than you can ask for physical affection and you should give it to them to dd. I want her to say no if she feels like it, if she is uncomfortable. But since this is part of mine and dh's culture, everyone in our family does the kiss thing. How should I handle this? Will she be harmed by growing up being kissed, even when she wouldn't necessarily choose to?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,655 Posts
I would pick my battles and address them firmly one at a time as they happen. If they tell her to get away from the chess set, suggest that they move it if they don't want her to touch it and so forth. I think you will get a lot further if you are firm and consistent than if you have a big official confrontation. They're more likely to "get it" if you address issues one at a time as they occur. Stand your ground so they learn not to mess with you. You are the childs mother so ultimately it is your decision how she will be raised, regardless of whether they agree with you or not.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,980 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy2abigail
Ok, first let me say that I have personal problems with my IL's, (think Everyone Loves Raymond, with the controlling-poor-me-I'm-such-a-perfect-wife-and-mother MIL and the too-obedient-to-say-something son) so this may be a problem with me, that's why I wanted to ask here. When we visit my IL's (they live across the street btw) they are so annoying (in my eyes) with dd (16 months) For one, they want to hold and hug and kiss on her, and she wiggles away from them. She just wants to run around and play. For two they will let her play with the glass chess set (among other things, this is just what it was tonight) for a minute and then when she is too rough (DUH!!) they say ok, no more. But leave the chess set on the low table! Or hold her up to play with the light switches, and then all of a sudden decide it's not a good idea. It frustrates her (and me). Or they are SOOOOO da*n loud. They will say "Abby, Abigail, Abby, Look look here Abby, Abby, Abigail, Abby, look what I have Abby Abby Abby Abby Abby" (no kidding, my FIL said her name 5 times in a row!) It's is so aggravating. DD seems fine. I always take her if she cries or seems at all uncomfortable. I am seen as the mean controlling (regarding dd) DIL by them. It makes me not want to visit. The volume level when they speak to her is way above MY comfort level. I try to model how we speak to dd by speaking softly, and calmly. Calling her name one time and then going to her and touching her getting on her level, ect. They dont get it. Should I say something (to dh or them) about it? Or is this one of those things I let go, since there will eventually be another thing I have to talk to them about? Since I am the only one that seems to be bothered by it? DD has a good time with them, she is happy to see them, so I think she is ok, it's just the constant squeaking of the annoying toys they have, the loud voices, the funny faces getting right in her face, I would smack them if they did that to me! But I generally like quiet anyway, so is it ok for dd to be exposed to this once in a while (1-2x per week, 1-2 hours at a time)? I am trying to do things like in the book The Unprocessed Child, so I am creful as to what I say to her and pretty much allow her free reign, so how much will she be affected by other people who dont treat her the same way? Where it's not ok to touch or play with whatever? I mean she will eventually encounter rules (even if its not at home per se) in her life right? She will eventually have people tell her no, right? (IL's DO NOT correct her, btw, they know I would kill them!) And my last question is, in our culture (spanish) it is customary to kiss on the cheek as a greeting. My IL's are kinda pushy (by asking over and over and over for a kiss) with dd. Sometimes (most times) she will lean in for a kiss, but when she doesn't I usually say, how about blowing a kiss, and she does that. I do not ever want to convey the message that people bigger than you can ask for physical affection and you should give it to them to dd. I want her to say no if she feels like it, if she is uncomfortable. But since this is part of mine and dh's culture, everyone in our family does the kiss thing. How should I handle this? Will she be harmed by growing up being kissed, even when she wouldn't necessarily choose to?
I think living that close to IL's would be difficult! I totally feel your pain about in-laws. Mine are
:
: I think your problems, relative to mine, aren't bad at all!
But, I can see that you are stressed and having a tough time. I am sorry you are going through this. You are hte mama and you have to feel comfortable. I don't think your child will be harmed by the "kiss thing." I think it is fine and I think you are probably over-analyzing it slightly. But, if you feel uneasy, stand your ground and make them respect your decisions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,101 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy2abigail
Will she be harmed by growing up being kissed, even when she wouldn't necessarily choose to?
OMG, yes! She has every right to make her OWN boundries & people MUST respect those. I would put an end to this TODAY.
My inlaws are insane, worse than most, so you have my sympothies!
Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,952 Posts
Pick one thing per visit. if it were me, the first thing would be to ask them to move breakables out of her reach when she comes in the door, or even before you come over. Tell them you don't want to experiment with how gentle she can be!

The very very last thing to deal with would be the kissing.

In between, deal with frequency of visits, modeling volume control, etc.

About the kissing thing: she will not be harmed by kisses. Boundaries are VERY important, and that's why it does make sense to eventually take this up with them. But it doesn't sound like she's freaked out, and they will be really hurt if you ask them to be more thoughtful and responsive about the kissing. So let her pull back if she has to. They aren't tickling her or picking her up while she says no or any of that stuff, so i think you can test the waters by sticking up for your parenting principles on other less sensitive things first.

Good luck, sweetie!
 
1 - 5 of 5 Posts
Top