Mothering Forum banner
1 - 20 of 87 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,050 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Okay...I'm pregnant. 4 months along. My boyfriend and I are both 23, we've been together about 6.5 years. I was on the pill, and taking it perfectly, but apparently one of the lucky 2% who still get pregnant. He told his parents yesterday, and they were calm and supportive. Even joking a bit about it.

My parents, though... My mom doesn't scare me. Much. She probably won't yell, but I'm afraid she will. My dad does scare me. A lot. To say that he'll want to disown me and kill my bf isn't much a stretch. And he will yell. A lot.

Part of me wants to tell Mom and beg her to tell Dad, but it seems like that isn't a very adult response.

So...is there a good/easy way to do this? Any suggestions? Reccomendations?

Or should I just move to another state and reappear in 18 years?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,864 Posts
I was 21 when I got pg with my oldest. I had the same feeling about my mom as you do. I was not expecting her to squeal with delight when I told her. She was so happy. I made her tell dad.lol Even 4 years later when I was pg with #3 I made her tell dad.

your parents may surprise you. It would be different if it was a brand new relationship.

The other thing is if his parents live in the same town/city as your parents, you need to tell yours asap so his don't spill the beans.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,322 Posts
Ok, i sorta BTDT
My parents have never been overly happy every time i get preggo (first at 17, 2nd at 19, 3rd at 20 and 4th at 24) Considering i have been maried with #2-#4, but anyhow. With the last one, i knew there was going to be h#ll in the house so i called them to tell them (i am not good with confrontation) i ended up telling my dad flat out that we were happy and i was only going to accept positive remarks from him and if he even thought a negative thought i woudnt speak to him. Needless to say, he hasnt said a negetive word about the subject and no that baby is here i know he wouldnt. He jsut wants the best for me blah blah blah. I figured if he could deal...he was the one loosing out on the joys of a baby

That was really the easiest way i have ever told my parents...of course i was already 5 months preggo and couldnt hide it from them anymore


Good luck to you and hope everything goes ok
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,050 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by CarrieMF
The other thing is if his parents live in the same town/city as your parents, you need to tell yours asap so his don't spill the beans.
Sigh...that's part of my dilema. We live in different cities (and states, for that matter), but only 30 mins apart. My dad works with my bf's uncle. My my bf's mom's family is a pretty chatty...okay, down right gossipy bunch. I'm sure that if his uncle doesn't know by today, he will by tonight.

I SHOULD tell them together...but again, terrified of my dad. I was going to tell Mom all day today and kept chickening out. Now she's at work, and I go to work in a couple hours, so the only way to tell her RIGHT now would be an email. And beg her to tell Dad tonight. Which sounds like an incredibly good idea. But again, not very adult.

Oh, to run off to Aruba...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,050 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by shoefairy3
That was really the easiest way i have ever told my parents...of course i was already 5 months preggo and couldnt hide it from them anymore

I really can't hide it anymore either. I'm pretty sure my Mom won't be shocked when I tell her. I've caught her looking at me kinda funny a few times. And when Ryan (bf) asked his Dad if he hadn't noticed I looked different his dad said, "Well, DUH. But what was I supposed to say? Gee, you've put on the weight, huh?"

And a couple people around town (it's a really small town...700) have commented (one even said, "Someone forgot to pull out, huh? HAHAHAHA!"), so I need to tell 'em.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,061 Posts
I would go over and tell them both together. Its not like this was some random hook up you have been together for quite some time so even though they may be suprised I wouldn't say it would be shocking. Your a mature adult and handling this will only reinforce that you make your own decisions. Whats the worste they could do? Yell? How mature would that be of them. I'm sure its scary but I would also have your BF with when you tell them. Tell them you are letting the know what is going on but it is not up for discussion or debate, that you hope they can learn to be happy for you in time but you don't need their criticism. Hope everything goes okay.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
498 Posts
I think it is important too to remember that parents (unless they really suck) will love you no matter how angry they get. What is funny is that if you all were married I would imagine they would be cool w/ it. Isn't that odd? My cousin got pg at 22 by her bf, everyone wigged out at first and screamed and yelled alot in the beginning, but now her dd is 8 yo and she is the light of all their lives. Might you consider a letter to your father after telling your mom. Then he can read it, boil, scream, yell whatever he needs to do to cope with the news without you and your budding life hearing it? Odds are he will calm down and be okay after the initial blow. As long as you and bf (and you guys sound really stable) are happy and together on this the rest is just white noise in truth. Cause I would bet your dad would rather be in your life than out. Am I right? I have to say too that my aunt got pg at 23 back in the late 60s and she went away to have the baby and gave her up for adoption. Recently she found her dd ( yay!), but what was interesting is that my grandfather (who is more apt to blow steam than not) said "I always told Judy she could keep the baby, we would just learn to make it work." Keep in mind this was the rural south and unwed mommas were a huge stigma then. But my grandad was willing to deal with all of that if Judy had decided to keep the little girl. So you may find out that your dad will blow, but I would imagine (and hope) that the after math will be one of a gleeful grandpa to be. Another case in point- another cousin of mine has a ds (18mo), he and his girlfriend were not living here at the time and waited until the baby was a month old to tell ANYBODY in our family or hers!! Noone was mad, per say, but everyone was sad that they had missed out on so many things already- and they didn't tell out of fear. Now she did have my cousin tell her family and maybe that's a route you might take. Let your boyfriend call your dad, maybe? But now they all help care for him and we all are so happy "little Jay" is in our lives. We just wish we had known sooner. HTH!! Goodluck w/ your parents and with the new life budding inside you!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
185 Posts
I was 20 when I got pg (DD is now 12). I hid my pregnancy until I was 6 month along (size 5 jeans w/shirt tucked in, noone had a clue). I was not living at home but saw my parents weekly and even went to Florida for a vacation with them about a month before I told them (was planning on telling them on the trip, but was worried I'd ruin it). When I did(tell them) it just happen to be over the phone... because the Dr., office called my old phone # to remind me of my ultrasound appt for the next day!

I know my mom cried, but she told my dad for me. I never heard an negitave word from either one of them. The only thing I did hear was "When are you going to get married?" I still hear it and have during the pregnancy both of my other 2 children. (and every wedding we go to
:
)
You are on your own living with DP and they need to understand that. It's YOUR choice, accident or not. When you do tell them present them with a a bib that says I Love Grandma &Grandpa. Just make it the best persentation you can, it seems to make things go easier. Most don't yell when they see how happy you are!
.
Best of luck!!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,235 Posts
Totally BTDT - Except I was 17. How did I do it?

I sucked it up and just said it - flat out (over the phone) "Mom - I'm pregnant." She cried, was sad, etc...

Dad, I called up and broke it a bit more gently. Told him I had something to tell him and that I was afraid to. That I wanted/needed his support - and he "guessed" I was pg.....

They are going to react - no matter HOW you tell them - they will react....And, their reaction is out of your control....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
779 Posts
Bless you heart, I have never been in your situation so it is easy for me to say what I would dos. My ideas/advice, at least you know telling him will SUCK, at least you don't have afairy tale panning out in your head. How close are both sets of parents together. Have they ever been together in a social situation? Do you and your BF live together? If both of those are true than I would invite his and your family over. That way you are not only on your turf but you have other family supporting you both. Have you gotten an ultrasound done? I would tell him by after dinner or when you are comfortable in the family setting. ( serve like baby back ribs and baby carrots too
) give dad a card explaining your true feelings of the situation to him, make sure and tell him how you feel about telling him, and have the ultra sound pic in the card( pull the emotional card out
: ). Good luck sweetie, never easy but as you know it is not going to get any easier the longer you wait, think band aid, fast and 'painless'.
Let us know how it goes, I will be thinking about you as well as the rest of us!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,164 Posts
Your in a long term relationshup with someone you love so I don't see WHY they would take up issue with it... however, from personal experience I can tell why your freaked out. I was 21 and had to tell my parents...

BUT - to make an example of the adult that you are, you and your BF should sit down and tell your parents at the same time... granted, I don't know your family dynamics but thats what I would do...

Sorry for the disorganized thinking... DS is spitting avocado at me... just something to look forward too...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
403 Posts
Sort of btdt... but I was slightly older- 25- but also in a long term relationship with someone they really liked. My BF at the time and I did go and sit down with them TOGETHER. I think it helped my parents know he was serious, acting like an adult and truly involved (I later m/c, but we are now married and have a dd). I will never forget the initial, immediate, horrified looks on their faces- but it only lasted a second. They needed a minute for it to sink in. My father said immediatly "well, you're adults. What are you going to do?" Once they knew we WERE taking responsiblity (AND that we had just become engaged and were also able to show them the ring... ) well when we left two hours later they were just excited about the idea of a grandchild.

I know it's scary, there's nothing to do but just say it. Good Luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,119 Posts
i would tell both together .
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,182 Posts
congratulations-I just wanted to wish you all the best, and I hope everything works out just the way you need it. The beautiful thing about babies, and my wish is that you experience this sooner than later, is that they tend to change all of the grownups around them when they arrive. Quite often the initial shocks felt by skeptical family members disappear completely when they fall in love with a newborn. If it makes you feel any better-I was THIRTY FIVE when I told my mother, and her initial reaction was - oh, no!

She wasn't ready to think of herself as a grandmother yet-but that changed when my first daughter was born. Enjoy your pregnancy, and it's wonderful that your bf's parents are so supportive. Good luck! I say rent Father of the Bride II to watch with them.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,115 Posts
Just a thought. Since it seems you don't feel you will get support from your father, perhaps you should approach it with that in mind. That you are, as the adult you are, simply informing them of this major (and hopefully wonderful, even if a shock) development in your life. Heck, I might even tell them "I have wonderful news" even if you're not feeling wonderful about it. Because you (I assume) don't need anything from them, you are just sharing this, and you don't need to show your father any weakness (such as sharing your feelings about this).

You could also give your mom a "heads up" in advance if you thought that would help, so she could be prepared to back you up (if that's something she might do, I don't know your family dynamic). That has the drawback of appearing afraid and apologetic to your father, as if you needed your mother's protection (cause I would imagine he would find out that your mom knew first).

But, wow, good luck on EVERYTHING and remember, this is YOUR life, you've been responsible, you have NOTHING to feel ashamed of. If your dad starts screaming about disownment, try to be calm and just say "I think it would be best if BF and I finish this discussion with you later." If he does disown you, well, that's your father's doing and his weakness, and not yours.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,270 Posts
I would get everyone together (you, BF, mom and dad) to share the information in a joyous way. If you approach it that way, "We wanted to share with you our good news - we're pregnant!!!" , with that mindset of being excited to tell them (rather than being scared to tell him because you are pregnant from the BC not working.) He doesn't need to know it was an accident. So if you and BF are united in standing up for your long term relationship, that should help see you through. Heck, you've been together just as long as my husband and I - it's just that we've been married almost 6 years and you haven't. But other than that, what's the diff?

Congratulations!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,993 Posts
BTDT at 17

I am not sure the way we (now DH, then BF and I) did it was the adult way, but...

while *I* was hiding at his friends, *he* (DH) went and told my parents.

We figured he was tougher, faster, not pregnant and just as involved


I spare you the details about my Mom fainting and my father wanting to kill us both. Suffused to say we are both alive and soon will celebrate our 20th anniversary


So on a happy note - CONGRATULATIONS! And let us know how it went!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,764 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by PikkuMyy
I would get everyone together (you, BF, mom and dad) to share the information in a joyous way. If you approach it that way, "We wanted to share with you our good news - we're pregnant!!!" , with that mindset of being excited to tell them (rather than being scared to tell him because you are pregnant from the BC not working.) He doesn't need to know it was an accident. So if you and BF are united in standing up for your long term relationship, that should help see you through. Heck, you've been together just as long as my husband and I - it's just that we've been married almost 6 years and you haven't. But other than that, what's the diff?

Congratulations!
i like this advice. i also think if you are really afraid of your dad's reaction, maybe a public place like invite them out to dinner or something?

congratulations. i wish you all the best of luck!!!
 
1 - 20 of 87 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top