Hey anothermama:
BTDT. It does get better.
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BTDT. It does get better.
I'm a failure........my rope is exactly three weeks long.
I have been very humbled by this new son of mine..........and I think I may give up AP'ing all together.
I feel like I'm a new parent all over again. He's so different from my daughter. She was the easiest baby in the world. I never understood why people said newborns were hard. She never was. I wasn't prepared for what it's like to have a "normal" newborn at all.
While my daughter only woke once a night, my son wakes at least 4 times, sometimes more, and will stay up for an hour at a time. He'll sleep for three or four hour stretches in the afternoon........but only for 1 1/2 to 2 hours at night. And those longer stretches in the afternoon *always* seem to conincide with times when I have to do something.......take DD to preschool or entertain my MIL.......something. I haven't gotten to sleep for more than two hours in three weeks. DH helps........it's not like I'm going it alone all the time........but it doesn't matter. When that baby is up, I'm up.
As the days have gone on, things have gotten harder, not easier. We figured out a feeding problem only to have him decide he's somewhat coliky. In the daytime he takes to long hysterical crying jags with no apparent remedy. Sometimes, it's just me and DD and DS and suddenly THATS when my DD decides she needs me desperately for something.
The hysterical screaming is more than I can bare. He pushes and strains against me when I hold him as if it's painful for him to be in my arms. No where makes him happy, nothing I do makes it better, there is no solution. I now see why parents let their babes CIO.........what other solution is there?
(Note: AP failure number 1........sort of)
AP failure number 2? I couldn't breastfeed. And no one hears that. I don't feel like going into the harrowing, disgusting details of why with everyone.....sufice it to say, I couln't. And all I am bombarded with is the million reasons I should stick it out (all of which I know) and "helpful"
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suggestions on pumping and getting that baby back on the breast.
Last but not least......he hates the sling. Failure #3. He hates it worse than he hates me trying to hold him when he's upset. For the past few errands we've run, I've *gasp* left him in his "Baby Bucket", that dreadful thing. And, to add insult to injury, I've even fed him in it too.
And the AP checklist gets ticked off item by item of things I can't do or that the baby hates I feel like a collosal failure as a mother. I know there are moms out there who see me with my baby in a bucket or see me shoving a bottle in his mouth and they are judging me. They are seeing what substandard care I give to my baby.
And as he screams and wails for the majority of his waking time in the day, he tells me I'm a failure too. If I only would have breastfed, maybe this wouldn't be an issue. If I was able to do things differently I'd be getting actual sleep and this baby wouldn't hate us so much.
I want to put him in his bucket, prop a bottle in his mouth, and run away to someplace where I can get maybe 6 hours of sleep........in a row. I want to leave him screaming in the bedroom because there simply isn't anything I can do that makes him happy. Nothing. Not holding him, not shoving silicone in his mouth, not putting him in the sling he hates.......nothing.
I think I may be leaving MDC because I'm not AP. I can't AP apparently. It was a fluke with my daughter. Luck. I feel like it's probably best to give up on it all...........I should grab myself a copy of Babywise and stick some cereal in his bottle and take my complete and utter failure as a parent to a more mainstream board that thinks all my "choices" thus far are right and good. Or maybe just stay away from moms all together because they all seem to have their act together better than I do.
I feel like I'm a new parent all over again. He's so different from my daughter. She was the easiest baby in the world. I never understood why people said newborns were hard. She never was. I wasn't prepared for what it's like to have a "normal" newborn at all.
While my daughter only woke once a night, my son wakes at least 4 times, sometimes more, and will stay up for an hour at a time. He'll sleep for three or four hour stretches in the afternoon........but only for 1 1/2 to 2 hours at night. And those longer stretches in the afternoon *always* seem to conincide with times when I have to do something.......take DD to preschool or entertain my MIL.......something. I haven't gotten to sleep for more than two hours in three weeks. DH helps........it's not like I'm going it alone all the time........but it doesn't matter. When that baby is up, I'm up.
As the days have gone on, things have gotten harder, not easier. We figured out a feeding problem only to have him decide he's somewhat coliky. In the daytime he takes to long hysterical crying jags with no apparent remedy. Sometimes, it's just me and DD and DS and suddenly THATS when my DD decides she needs me desperately for something.
The hysterical screaming is more than I can bare. He pushes and strains against me when I hold him as if it's painful for him to be in my arms. No where makes him happy, nothing I do makes it better, there is no solution. I now see why parents let their babes CIO.........what other solution is there?
(Note: AP failure number 1........sort of)
AP failure number 2? I couldn't breastfeed. And no one hears that. I don't feel like going into the harrowing, disgusting details of why with everyone.....sufice it to say, I couln't. And all I am bombarded with is the million reasons I should stick it out (all of which I know) and "helpful"
Last but not least......he hates the sling. Failure #3. He hates it worse than he hates me trying to hold him when he's upset. For the past few errands we've run, I've *gasp* left him in his "Baby Bucket", that dreadful thing. And, to add insult to injury, I've even fed him in it too.
And the AP checklist gets ticked off item by item of things I can't do or that the baby hates I feel like a collosal failure as a mother. I know there are moms out there who see me with my baby in a bucket or see me shoving a bottle in his mouth and they are judging me. They are seeing what substandard care I give to my baby.
And as he screams and wails for the majority of his waking time in the day, he tells me I'm a failure too. If I only would have breastfed, maybe this wouldn't be an issue. If I was able to do things differently I'd be getting actual sleep and this baby wouldn't hate us so much.
I want to put him in his bucket, prop a bottle in his mouth, and run away to someplace where I can get maybe 6 hours of sleep........in a row. I want to leave him screaming in the bedroom because there simply isn't anything I can do that makes him happy. Nothing. Not holding him, not shoving silicone in his mouth, not putting him in the sling he hates.......nothing.
I think I may be leaving MDC because I'm not AP. I can't AP apparently. It was a fluke with my daughter. Luck. I feel like it's probably best to give up on it all...........I should grab myself a copy of Babywise and stick some cereal in his bottle and take my complete and utter failure as a parent to a more mainstream board that thinks all my "choices" thus far are right and good. Or maybe just stay away from moms all together because they all seem to have their act together better than I do.
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Hey!! DON'T Leave here! you are a vital part of mdc and it wouldn't be the same without you here.
My friend, a lll leader, had a second baby that was, well, the bane of her existance for his entire first year. He was fussy, no downright pissed, all the time. Wouldnt nurse, wasn't cuddly, was miserable 24/7. She did what she had to do to live sanely with this child, and plenty of it wouldn't fall under the "AP" heading. don't let some philosophy make you feel like crap about your parenting, ok? You are obviousley a terrific mama and your little one is blessed!
My third baby threw a lot of challenges our way. Wouldn't latch on, didn't poop, hated being in bed with us... ya do what you have to do to get through it.
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Hang in there. It'll get easier.
My friend, a lll leader, had a second baby that was, well, the bane of her existance for his entire first year. He was fussy, no downright pissed, all the time. Wouldnt nurse, wasn't cuddly, was miserable 24/7. She did what she had to do to live sanely with this child, and plenty of it wouldn't fall under the "AP" heading. don't let some philosophy make you feel like crap about your parenting, ok? You are obviousley a terrific mama and your little one is blessed!
My third baby threw a lot of challenges our way. Wouldn't latch on, didn't poop, hated being in bed with us... ya do what you have to do to get through it.
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Oh you poor mama! I want to say a few things: one, the very fact that you WANT to do all the "AP" things makes you a great parent who is attached to your child. Second, as much as well meaning people here and IRL would like you to believe that you can only be properly AP if you do the damn checklist, that is simply not true. AP is a mindset, and a state of the heart towards your children; AP is about listening to what's best for THIS child, not the child before him, or my child, or your sister's child, etc. If THIS child doesn't want to be held, for pete's sake let him lounge peacefully in the bucket of his choice. If letting him cry for a bit so you can step back and regain some sanity helps, then DO it, and any judgemental female that flames you for that can come talk to me personally
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. Have you perhaps heard of or even read 'The Happiest Baby on the Block'? I understand it can be a life-saver, and is very gentle and realistic, even thought not strictly AP (it does NOT advocate CIO or anything like that).
Finally - Would dropping that stupid AP label help at all? Just tell yourself you are parenting by heart, and doing what your instincts about THIS child tells you to do. Also, it really will pass, honest. I bet by two months max, he will be a whole other baby.
Finally - Would dropping that stupid AP label help at all? Just tell yourself you are parenting by heart, and doing what your instincts about THIS child tells you to do. Also, it really will pass, honest. I bet by two months max, he will be a whole other baby.
anothermama,
I am so sorry you are having a hard time.
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I know how it feels to think you know what to expect with a newborn only to be thrown for a loop by a VERY high-needs baby. My third made me want to go
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Hang in there...I know this sounds lame, but it will eventually get better. I had such strong feelings of guilt for feeling angry/resentful with my newborn when he wasn't easy (or as I percieved it--normal). I began to see a psycologist because depression was taking over my life. Now my baby is 16months old, and happy most of the time, but still way more temperamental than my first 2 sons. I have learned how to insulate myself against it--do you have a radio with earphones? When my ds was a baby, I would put my radio on and turn it up with music I loved so I didn't have to hear him scream while I held him. I know that's not perfect but it kept me from freaking out in the moment. Is there anyone you can talk to just to get your frustration off your chest? PM me if you want
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Sorry for rambling...HTH
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I am so sorry you are having a hard time.
Sorry for rambling...HTH
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I know how you feel.
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You need many hugs. My dd was a high needs baby, she has grown into a high need toddler. She screamed all day for 5 months straight, then one day she just stopped. We tried everything as well, she also hated her sling, but she didn't want down either. It sounds like you really need a break, a nice long nap. It is really hard not to, but don't take it personal when he screams, it took a long time for me to accept that it wasn't something I was causing. Good luck. Gotta go, dd is waking up.
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Three weeks is just too short to gauge anything at all.
First and foremost you need a
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.
Second, don't give up.
My fourth (theredheddedchildstraightfromyouknowwhere) is a now a very happy adjusted six month old baby. It was terrible those first couple months, by eight weeks, I was crying sobbing mess. It was awful.
We found out Leland had silent reflux, the acid was burning his throat, and he was in pain. When we finally did medication and a HUGE diet change for me, then he got better. Even after that he was a sensitive baby, cried more than my others, fussed almost always....etc., I do understand.
The most AP thing you can do for your child is to LISTEN to their cues.
If he is happy in the bucket....by God, place his happy behind in a bucket. If your bf relationship was not working, do what YOU need to do. If he just can't be held, put him down for a few and walk away. Listen, Leland did that bucking thing while I held him because his tummy hurt so bad. Sometimes, I just couldn't keep a hold of him. You know what we did? We would bundle him up, put him in his swing (gasp) and turn on the vacuum.(Btw, try a vacuum). He would be asleep in moments, I would go into the other room and read or lay down for a moment. That vacuum/hairdryer/shower......saved my sanity. I kid you not.
My best advice is to take care of you, stop worrying about being AP, and listen to your heart. You love your child....that is AP enough for anyone.
Don't worry, it isn't anything you have don or not done. Some babies just are who they are. I had three EASY babies...I thought I had babies figured out, then my curve ball named Leland was thrown my way. It can happen to the best of us.
Peace. Love. Light. You will be ok, and it will be over in a blink of an eye. One day your cranky baby will be a smiling six month old....just like mine.
First and foremost you need a
Second, don't give up.
My fourth (theredheddedchildstraightfromyouknowwhere) is a now a very happy adjusted six month old baby. It was terrible those first couple months, by eight weeks, I was crying sobbing mess. It was awful.
We found out Leland had silent reflux, the acid was burning his throat, and he was in pain. When we finally did medication and a HUGE diet change for me, then he got better. Even after that he was a sensitive baby, cried more than my others, fussed almost always....etc., I do understand.
The most AP thing you can do for your child is to LISTEN to their cues.
If he is happy in the bucket....by God, place his happy behind in a bucket. If your bf relationship was not working, do what YOU need to do. If he just can't be held, put him down for a few and walk away. Listen, Leland did that bucking thing while I held him because his tummy hurt so bad. Sometimes, I just couldn't keep a hold of him. You know what we did? We would bundle him up, put him in his swing (gasp) and turn on the vacuum.(Btw, try a vacuum). He would be asleep in moments, I would go into the other room and read or lay down for a moment. That vacuum/hairdryer/shower......saved my sanity. I kid you not.
My best advice is to take care of you, stop worrying about being AP, and listen to your heart. You love your child....that is AP enough for anyone.
Don't worry, it isn't anything you have don or not done. Some babies just are who they are. I had three EASY babies...I thought I had babies figured out, then my curve ball named Leland was thrown my way. It can happen to the best of us.
Peace. Love. Light. You will be ok, and it will be over in a blink of an eye. One day your cranky baby will be a smiling six month old....just like mine.
Quote:
OK First off HUGS!
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Second, what formula are you using?
Have you tried the 5 S's? The 5 S's are swaddle (arms down and snug with no loose blankets), side/stomach position (for calming but not for sleeping), shushing (as loud as the baby is crying - remember inside the uterus the sound is louder than a vacuum cleaner 24/7), swinging (a fast jiggly motion when the baby is crying hard), and sucking.
These were a God-send with my youngest. He is 20 mo and I can still do the shushing and it helps.
Is he gassy or pukey or both?
What type of bottle are you using?
The sling, ds#2 HATED it for the first 3 mo, loved it afterwards, still does. I will try and help as I have been there done that on most of it.
Originally Posted by anothermama I have been very humbled by this new son of mine..........and I think I may give up AP'ing all together. I feel like I'm a new parent all over again. He's so different from my daughter. She was the easiest baby in the world. I never understood why people said newborns were hard. She never was. I wasn't prepared for what it's like to have a "normal" newborn at all. The hysterical screaming is more than I can bare. He pushes and strains against me when I hold him as if it's painful for him to be in my arms. No where makes him happy, nothing I do makes it better, there is no solution. I now see why parents let their babes CIO.........what other solution is there? (Note: AP failure number 1........sort of) AP failure number 2? I couldn't breastfeed. And no one hears that. I don't feel like going into the harrowing, disgusting details of why with everyone.....sufice it to say, I couln't. And all I am bombarded with is the million reasons I should stick it out (all of which I know) and "helpful"
Last but not least......he hates the sling. Failure #3. He hates it worse than he hates me trying to hold him when he's upset. For the past few errands we've run, I've *gasp* left him in his "Baby Bucket", that dreadful thing. And, to add insult to injury, I've even fed him in it too. And the AP checklist gets ticked off item by item of things I can't do or that the baby hates I feel like a collosal failure as a mother. I know there are moms out there who see me with my baby in a bucket or see me shoving a bottle in his mouth and they are judging me. They are seeing what substandard care I give to my baby. And as he screams and wails for the majority of his waking time in the day, he tells me I'm a failure too. If I only would have breastfed, maybe this wouldn't be an issue. If I was able to do things differently I'd be getting actual sleep and this baby wouldn't hate us so much. |
Second, what formula are you using?
Have you tried the 5 S's? The 5 S's are swaddle (arms down and snug with no loose blankets), side/stomach position (for calming but not for sleeping), shushing (as loud as the baby is crying - remember inside the uterus the sound is louder than a vacuum cleaner 24/7), swinging (a fast jiggly motion when the baby is crying hard), and sucking.
These were a God-send with my youngest. He is 20 mo and I can still do the shushing and it helps.
Is he gassy or pukey or both?
What type of bottle are you using?
The sling, ds#2 HATED it for the first 3 mo, loved it afterwards, still does. I will try and help as I have been there done that on most of it.
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If your babe has colic, there's a good chance it's diet related. My Talia was superreactive to casien (milk protein) and cruciferous veggies in my diet, starting between one and three weeks. Soy is another common sensitivity. So, my first suggestion is that the formula you're using may be a problem. You could try goat's milk formulas. I think Meyerberg makes one.
I've also known babes who desperately don't like the slings their mamas have tried. There are so many different kinds of slings, you could really break the bank trying all of them. But, if you know anyone who has a different style, you could experiment. My first sling was a maya-style ring sling, with lots of fabric. Talia didn't care for all the fabric, and was happier when I made a less voluminous sling. (I keep thinking we ought to make up a communal collection of slings, one each of many different styles, and lend them out to mamas who want to try different ones; Then they can buy their own of the one they like and send that collection on to the next mama. That way we can try out all the different cool styles for only the cost of a few dollars shipping...)
HeatherE said it perfectly : you are a vital part of this community, and we would sorely miss you!! I was following your posts about your difficulty with your son's eating, and I could see that you were struggling with the formula issue. SO WHAT if yuo can't breastfeed!! What I mean by that is I'm certainly not going to judge you for not doing it, - you tried, and that is all you can do. AP is not just about breastfeeding, it encompasses a whole way of thinking, as you know because that's how you think. I've read enough of your posts to know this. For what it's worth, my son hated his sling until he turned 3 months - would scream bloody murder if I tried to put him into it.
Mama, you are dealing with parenting 2 young children on very little sleep - enough to drive anyone insane!(Let's clarify, shall we??! I'm not calling you insane
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) Colick is one of the MOST DIFFICULT situations a parent will ever face, and while it will eventually end, when you are going through it, there's no end in sight.
We all have our challenges when it comes to AP; mine happens to be gentle discipline - the foundation of AP!!!! I struggle daily with treating my kids kindly and with the respect they deserve, and there are many a day when I feel I don't belong here. But I know that if I leave and isolate myself from people who parent the way I want to, it will only get worse.
OK, now I'm rambling........sorry. Please, please, don't leave. You are so valued here, and there would be huge hole in our web if you go.
If there's anything we can do to help you feel more supported, don't be shy - just let us know. Are you on the fairy list yet?
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China white (not a heroin user, I swear.......)
Mama, you are dealing with parenting 2 young children on very little sleep - enough to drive anyone insane!(Let's clarify, shall we??! I'm not calling you insane
We all have our challenges when it comes to AP; mine happens to be gentle discipline - the foundation of AP!!!! I struggle daily with treating my kids kindly and with the respect they deserve, and there are many a day when I feel I don't belong here. But I know that if I leave and isolate myself from people who parent the way I want to, it will only get worse.
OK, now I'm rambling........sorry. Please, please, don't leave. You are so valued here, and there would be huge hole in our web if you go.
If there's anything we can do to help you feel more supported, don't be shy - just let us know. Are you on the fairy list yet?
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Identitycrisismama- that coffee, cereal thing is hilarious!!
First off anothermama
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second don't leave! I am not 100% ap/nfl and but I get better with each kid. I swear I totally screwed up ds for life if I think of all the non ap things I did with him.
My last baby hated the sling in the cradle hold, I mean screamed like I was killing her in it. She loves it now if I hold her in the hip carry or against my chest.
I never succeeded with breastfeeding either. I tried until me and baby did nothing but cry it just didn't work for us. Not having any help or support probably wasn't very helpful either but anyway my kids were fed and that's all that really matters to me in the end.
And I used a swing when the kids were whiney but wouldn't let me hold them and gasp I even sometimes let them sit in the bucket for a second if they were happy in it. AP is loving your child and if you didn't love your kid you wouldn't have posted here worrying about anything.
My 2nd child was gassy, whiny fussy etc, turns out it was a formula intolerance. Maybe try something else. Good luck!
First off anothermama
My last baby hated the sling in the cradle hold, I mean screamed like I was killing her in it. She loves it now if I hold her in the hip carry or against my chest.
I never succeeded with breastfeeding either. I tried until me and baby did nothing but cry it just didn't work for us. Not having any help or support probably wasn't very helpful either but anyway my kids were fed and that's all that really matters to me in the end.
And I used a swing when the kids were whiney but wouldn't let me hold them and gasp I even sometimes let them sit in the bucket for a second if they were happy in it. AP is loving your child and if you didn't love your kid you wouldn't have posted here worrying about anything.
My 2nd child was gassy, whiny fussy etc, turns out it was a formula intolerance. Maybe try something else. Good luck!
It will get better. Who cares that you don't use the sling? If he likes the bucket then use it. I am not afraid to take my babe places in the bucket seat. He likes it. I like not having to wake him when we get out of the car. So what.
Breastfeeding is great. I'm a huge advocate for breastfeeding, but if it's not working for you then use a bottle. Nothing is good for your baby if it isn't good for you.
I'm sorry that you're not sleeping much. My first never slept and would wail all night. It was awful - but it got better. If your babe's crying is new (the hysterical puching you away kind) maybe it's colic. (They say it starts around 3 weeks) Have you talked to your pediatrician about this? Check out the possibility of him having reflux, it can be treated with medications and might make life a whole lot easier.
Keep us posted.
A lot of babies hate the cradle hold in the sling but love 'froggy style' up against mom's chest. You put them in it the same way you would put them in a front carrier, but with their legs drawn up in a fetal position against your chest and under the sling. Or ditch it alltogether and get a front carrier! That's what I did with ds. He hated the sling.
BTW, I really hate the 'ap' label. For me, AP means listening to the wants and needs of your child and responding accordingly. If your ds is telling you he likes his bucket and you're hearing this loud and clear, than you're AP. There isn't much you can do about it
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. I don't call my self an 'AP'er. I call myself a MOM.
BTW, I really hate the 'ap' label. For me, AP means listening to the wants and needs of your child and responding accordingly. If your ds is telling you he likes his bucket and you're hearing this loud and clear, than you're AP. There isn't much you can do about it
anothermama,
With regard to the breastfeeding issue. I know you said you'd rather not discuss it, and I respect that. I also respect the fact that if you say you couldn't, than YOU COULDN't!! Obviously you have regrets and feel bad about this. Have you thought of explaining everything out in a thread perhaps in 'support and advocacy'. Sort of a vent asking for support and NO advice and no judgement? Perhaps this might be cathartic for you? Perhaps then people would 'hear' you? I say this with respect, and I personally don't need to know the whole 'why' part. We all know our own limits and we need to respect these!!!
If not, do you journal? Journalling has been a great source of solace and catharsis for me. It really does help to get it out and stop carrying it around inside.
You are *NOT*failing as a Mom! I can't say this firmly enough. YOU ARE NOT! You are listening to what your son is telling you! You are responding in kind! This is NOT failing. You need to cut yourself some slack here! These are uncharted waters for you. Three weeks is not a long time!!!! Do you think you could learn to play the piano in three weeks? Do you think that you could learn to read in 3 weeks? I'd highly doubt it and this is a MUCh harder task that you are undertaking.
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s
P.S. At that age, my ds loved to get into the tub with me. He loved to float in the warm water and it generally calmed his fussies....still does. Give it a try sometime, for you and for him! Bring your daughter too and you can both admire him!
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s
With regard to the breastfeeding issue. I know you said you'd rather not discuss it, and I respect that. I also respect the fact that if you say you couldn't, than YOU COULDN't!! Obviously you have regrets and feel bad about this. Have you thought of explaining everything out in a thread perhaps in 'support and advocacy'. Sort of a vent asking for support and NO advice and no judgement? Perhaps this might be cathartic for you? Perhaps then people would 'hear' you? I say this with respect, and I personally don't need to know the whole 'why' part. We all know our own limits and we need to respect these!!!
If not, do you journal? Journalling has been a great source of solace and catharsis for me. It really does help to get it out and stop carrying it around inside.
You are *NOT*failing as a Mom! I can't say this firmly enough. YOU ARE NOT! You are listening to what your son is telling you! You are responding in kind! This is NOT failing. You need to cut yourself some slack here! These are uncharted waters for you. Three weeks is not a long time!!!! Do you think you could learn to play the piano in three weeks? Do you think that you could learn to read in 3 weeks? I'd highly doubt it and this is a MUCh harder task that you are undertaking.
P.S. At that age, my ds loved to get into the tub with me. He loved to float in the warm water and it generally calmed his fussies....still does. Give it a try sometime, for you and for him! Bring your daughter too and you can both admire him!
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