[btmama]

Sunday morning at 11dpo, I got a faint BFP. I am 13dpo now.

My two miscarriages were both at 6 weeks, so I am terrified.

I have been testing every morning desperately comparing lines... looking for them to get darker (which it has slightly). I am a nervous wreck! I can't get to the point of joyful... cautiously optimistic at best. That makes me so sad! It is so unlike my personality. It is like I think that pregnancy is a broken record for me and will surely follow the same pattern as before. Ahh! Probably pregnancy hormones at play, too. But, it feels so wrong to feel sad today! I feel scared, then angry that I am not joyful, then sad, then guilty for feeling sad. I can't even bring myself to say, "I'm pregnant."

I had a quantitative beta HCG drawn yesterday, and I am waiting for results. I am worried that no matter what the number I will still be a wreck.

I should be grateful to be here, to have a positive HPT, to have a chance. But, I even find myself resenting my pregnancy symptoms. Like, I am just going to go through another m/c in a couple weeks, so what is the point (crying). I am NEVER this negative. My husband calls me Pollyanna sometimes. What is wrong with me?

Also, I was diagnosed after my last m/c with compound heterozygotic MTHFR mutation and put on high dose folic acid and baby aspirin. So, I should feel more hopeful this time around.

Is this intuition or is this normal anxiety for PAL? I need a sanity check!

 

[MommaSomeday]

I can't say if it's normal for anyone else, but I'd say it's normal for you, and pretty much how I've been. PAL is so incredibly difficult, I'm finding. The mixed emotions are a nightmare. Gideon actually passed away a day after he was born, but he never breathed on his own or opened his eyes, so we sometimes think of the birth and being it - that's when he suffered the brain damage. So I find myself thinking sometimes that I'm just going to be fat for 9 months and only have this baby until birth. I feel like I'll never really get to meet my children, never hold them while they're alive or see their beautiful eyes or hear them cry. But I'm trying to be optimistic. It's hard, but it's possible.

Be easy on yourself for the next few weeks while you get bast that 6 week milestone. Perhaps after that it will be easier for you to take a deep breath and smile about this new baby growing inside you. Until then, we'll all smile for you, okay?

 

[marinak1977]

Oh btmama it is totally normal to be scared.

Just try to concentrate on taking it one moment at a time and cherish the chance of growing a new life inside you. Since you're taking Folic acid and aspirin you chances of having a healthy baby are so much better now.

So, stop POAS - you're only worrying yourself and schedule a doctor's appt where you can talk about these concerns. You can have an early us, and lots of monitoring to help you keep track of your progress.

: Congratulations on a BFP, and good luck.

: to you

 

[Brisen]

Quote:

Originally Posted by btmama I can't get to the point of joyful... cautiously optimistic at best. ... But, it feels so wrong to feel sad today! I feel scared, then angry that I am not joyful, then sad, then guilty for feeling sad.

I have felt exactly this way. I had always been excited to see that second line, but then I just got to a point where I was scared and dreading another miscarriage. And realizing that I felt that way was another huge blow. It felt like a betrayal. I really tried to give myself permission to be happy and have positive expectations, and when I managed it, it did help.

I was just as worried with my pregnancy with my youngest as I was with the miscarriages before, so for me, it wasn't intuition.

 

[zonapellucida]

you ae perfectly normal.

s

 

[famille_huggins]

Quote:

Originally Posted by btmama ...I have been testing every morning desperately comparing lines... looking for them to get darker (which it has slightly). I am a nervous wreck! I can't get to the point of joyful... cautiously optimistic at best. That makes me so sad! It is so unlike my personality. It is like I think that pregnancy is a broken record for me and will surely follow the same pattern as before. Ahh! Probably pregnancy hormones at play, too. But, it feels so wrong to feel sad today! I feel scared, then angry that I am not joyful, then sad, then guilty for feeling sad. I can't even bring myself to say, "I'm pregnant."... What is wrong with me?

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy! As for how you feel, it's totally normal. I'm 22 weeks pregnant now and am still hardly willing to say "I'm pregnant." Do not be too hard on yourself. It's very difficult to be PAL. Take every day as you can, try to linger on those lovely moments when they come, and don't let the scary moments overwhelm you. The PAL thread is very supportive. Come join us...

 

[btmama]

Thank you all for your kind words! It is very comforting to hear the words of such an wonderfully understanding group of mamas. Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone.

I had some light brown spotting last night. I know that can be totally normal. I had a week of heavy red bleeding and strong cramping with my dd and all was completely fine, but I was blissfully ignorant back then... I was certain everything would be fine. Now, I am having a hard time believing that everything is just fine. I am definitely going to call my doctor this am. I think it would be good to go in and see her- even to just be reassured.

Rachele, Thank you for sharing your story! My heart goes out to you. It sounds like you are sufficiently scared, too. I wish you peace.

s back to you! I love what you said about "until then, we'll smile for you." That really calmed me yesterday. Thank you!

s all around! Thank you for listening!

 

[boobs4milk]

We had been TTC again for almost 2 years when I finally got my BFP. You would think I would have been so happy, but mostly I was scared and unwilling to get excited. I had spotting the day AF was due, tested +++ (BRIGHT PINK) two days later, spotted again at 5 1/2 weeks, went to dr saw two good sacs. We were back at the OB at 6 1/2 weeks and saw a beautiful little heartbeat. I spotted AGAIN at 9 1/2 weeks, this time BRIGHT red with drips!!! I waited until my reg. appt. at 11 weeks (last week) and another u/s showed a VERY active, VERY alive little baby in there!

Our angel died at about 9 wks, we didn't know until I started with ONE red spot at 12 1/2 wks that progessively got worse. We saw no movement on the u/s that day and I do believe it was the worst day of my life.

I just found my joy last week, after knowing our current baby was still alive after 9 wks. I still have next week to get through, but once I'm past 12 1/2 weeks, will I forget all about this and be blissful again? Probably not, but I'm surviving on just knowing that this time IS different.

I think most PAL moms feel the way you are feeling, to one degree or another. HUGS! My oldest DD is almost 17 and I still fear for her and worry over her. My g'ma told me that you NEVER stop being a mother and all that goes with it!

 

[momoftworedheads]

Quote:

Originally Posted by btmama Sunday morning at 11dpo, I got a faint BFP. I am 13dpo now. My two miscarriages were both at 6 weeks, so I am terrified. I have been testing every morning desperately comparing lines... looking for them to get darker (which it has slightly). I am a nervous wreck! I can't get to the point of joyful... cautiously optimistic at best. That makes me so sad! It is so unlike my personality. It is like I think that pregnancy is a broken record for me and will surely follow the same pattern as before. Ahh! Probably pregnancy hormones at play, too. But, it feels so wrong to feel sad today! I feel scared, then angry that I am not joyful, then sad, then guilty for feeling sad. I can't even bring myself to say, "I'm pregnant." I had a quantitative beta HCG drawn yesterday, and I am waiting for results. I am worried that no matter what the number I will still be a wreck. I should be grateful to be here, to have a positive HPT, to have a chance. But, I even find myself resenting my pregnancy symptoms. Like, I am just going to go through another m/c in a couple weeks, so what is the point (crying). I am NEVER this negative. My husband calls me Pollyanna sometimes. What is wrong with me? Also, I was diagnosed after my last m/c with compound heterozygotic MTHFR mutation and put on high dose folic acid and baby aspirin. So, I should feel more hopeful this time around. Is this intuition or is this normal anxiety for PAL? I need a sanity check!

Congrats! I have MTHFR as well and I take 4 mg of folic acid and a baby aspirin daily until about 36-37 weeks. I have had 3 children and then 4 m/c (3- 1st tri, 1 -2nd tri) I am very hopeful this time around, I am 20 weeks and baby is well.

One thing I would do, is get a beta and a Prog level done. You may need some Prog supplementation. I took crinone until 14 weeks and it did help.

All the best to you!!

Jen

 

[btmama]

My beta came back at 61 from Monday (12dpo). I think that is good. It seems more real. I am just terrified that I will m/c. I had brown spotting last night and today... which I know can be normal. My doctor offered to do repeat hcg levels every few days. I actually opted out of that. I know it won't change anything, and I am trying very hard to find a place of zen. The anxiety of testing seems unnecessary. I am counting down the days until I can have an u/s. As Amanda said, I will "try to linger on those lovely moments when they come."

Jen (Momto2redheads), Thank you for sharing your story! I am sorry for your losses! It is reassuring to hear from someone else with MTHFR.

I am currently taking Prometrium 200mg vaginally at night. I worry that it is not enough. But, my doctor doesn't seem to think that getting a progesterone level would be valuable. She says the level would come back normal while on progesterone supplementation.

Jen (Boobs4Milk), I am sorry for your loss! I can understand how getting past the point of a prior loss would alleviate so much of the worry. Congrats!

 

[Cotton]

I just wanted to say that my heart goes out to you. You are perfectly normal & you have described my emotional rollercoaster my last several pregnancies. (we have had 4 miscarriages & 1 full term pregnancy)

The thing that bothers me the most is that I don't seem to have any intuition about wether a pregnancy is going to work or not & then I get really down on not trusting myself.

So this time I am handling it different. I have decided that a baby will feel much more welcome in a happy mama's uterus--so I am going to be excited & happy about this pregnancy (no matter what). I even have been talking to the baby & telling him/her what a great family we are & if he/she decides to stay they will be the most loved baby. I've been telling them about all of their grandparents & aunts and uncles. And they will have the best dad & big brother on the planet.

I've also told a handful of people (which I didn't do in the past). I am tired of going through this on my own without support. I have asked a few people that I know are devoted prayers to pray for me. Last time I didn't tell anyone & then after the miscarriage I told everyone because I needed some support--so I am getting the support from the start this time.

Even if it ends in miscarriage I am going to enjoy this pregnancy. That said I do have my moments of freaking out--my attitude seems to change minute to minute. So right now you caught me on a positive note in 30 seconds it may be a different story.

OK I will quit rambling--you are doing a great job & this baby is so lucky to have you for his mama. I am sending you prayers & lots of happy baby thoughts!

PS I am on progesterone 100 mg 2 times a day--they wouldn't let me go higher--so it must be a good dose.