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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
sorry for no paragrahs, my enter key is broken. Basically, I need advice on whether I should suck up my situation as it is and get it together on my own or go through the "system." I really have no idea what to do. Ds and I have been staying at a domestic violence shelter program. WE moved several states away to here because my FIL was threatening to kidnap ds, and we believed he was serious. He did actually show up in my old state after I left, So i believe he meant what he said....thus why I got out of dodge. I had no place really to go, but i knew some people here and they encouraged me to come, so I did. Never mind that now it turns out they can't help me.
Well, the day after I got here I had met this guy who was looking for work at the same place as me. We got to talking, exhnaged numbers, and had been talking on and off since. On monday, we decided to get together to look for work, since I don't know my way around the buses here yet. on monday we got all the way ont he other side of the city looking for this daycare that was hiring and then the bus was late, so we missed the connecting train, and had to wait 45 minutes for another one, and couldn't make it back by 7PM. This is entirely my fault, I know, for not planning better. I called and explained to the shelter that i was job hunting, didn't know th bus system well, don't know my way around, etc. I could have been back by 8PM, but they told me to just come pick up my things in the next couple of days. So last night and Monday night, I spent the night in a hotel. I have a week paid for at the hotel, and my "friend" has started working again and will be able to pay for another week for me most likely. Within 2 weeks I should have a job and a paycheck, since I have been interviewing by phone all yesterday and today. We can stay at the hotel until I save enough (a couple weeks at most) to move into an apartment. There is a $99 move in special right now that I will hopefully be able to get in on. Apartments are very very cheap around here. I know how awful all this sounds. Ever since I left my dh, things have just spiraled out of control, getting wors and worse. I can't seem to get back on my feet. I get up every morning, get dressed, and look for work, and have been, even when I first left my dh and was staying with my mother. I have no childcare, which limits me to working at daycares. I am dependent on someone I have known less than a month, and while he is really nice and kind to my ds and I, he is not a whole lot better off than i am and can only help so much. I really want to go into Social Services and ask for assistance...I have food stamps, but maybe some kind of emergency help, like TANF, housing, childcare, I don't know? But telling this story is so embarrassing because I have completely screwed up and look like a horrible mom, and i'm afraid they will take my ds away from me because we don't have permanent housing. I don't know what to do. i'm not sure i can make it without some kind of help, but i'm afraid to go looking for help and bring them into my business. I could just use some advice. Please no flaming me, I did what i thought was best by getting away from my stbx and I get no help from my family. My mom is controlling at best and very manipulative. I have ahd to do everything on my own and I was jsut trying to protect my ds by coming here. I know if my mom finds out, she will do something extremely dramatic, like call the police or CPS on me (she ahs before). It doesn't matter what for....she enjoys the drama and will create a problem that requries her "solving" it. Then she gets to be the good guy fixing everything and rescuing me and telling her friends that I am screwup and a no good mother. I swear, my ds's life was good up until i got back with his father. i never should have done it. All of this is to ask, is it a bad idea to involve the "system" in my life right now? I could use the help, but after reading that other CPS thread, I'm worried.
 

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I am so sorry you are going through this. I was one who posted on the CPS thread about my experience. I frown upon them really.

However, in your case, I WOULD involve them. That is what the help is there for. You left an abusive relationship for some reason and need help, TAKE IT! You are a prime candidate for the help, and very worthy. Please, take care of yourself. Good luck momma, and I will pray for you.
 

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I'm sorry, I have no advice for your situation. I just wanted to say that I have read your posts before and I am so proud of you for getting out of that dangerous situation with your stbx. I know so often (from experience
) that women go back to crappy situations and I am happy to hear that you are strong enough not to. I hope you get some good advice here and I wish you and your ds all the best.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Magali View Post
I'm sorry, I have no advice for your situation. I just wanted to say that I have read your posts before and I am so proud of you for getting out of that dangerous situation with your stbx. I know so often (from experience
) that women go back to crappy situations and I am happy to hear that you are strong enough not to. I hope you get some good advice here and I wish you and your ds all the best.
Yes, he would ahve killed me I believe, the way he was beating me, had i not kept screaming until someone came. I would rather be homeless htan live with him. I'm so scared of him. But then this sucks too.
 

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I would seek help if I were in your situation. Going to social services to get assistance does not = getting cps involved. They can help with tanf, childcare, job training, transportation, ect. That's what the programs are for, to help you get on your feet.
There are many many families living in motels right now due to lay offs and losing homes. Your ds has food, clothes, and a roof over his head.
 

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Personally, I would seek help in your shoes. In most cases, I think that help will be provided rather than disruptive/hurtful intervention. And you need help, and certainly it is not a good idea to become dependent on someone you just met (your "friend").

You aren't making bad choices as a mother by doing what it takes to protect your child, but not asking for help when you need it will be making a poor choice.

Sometimes faith communities that have social outreach programs can also help...so don't forget that is a resource too.
 

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I personally would seek help.

You should be very proud of yourself for getting out of that toxic situation you were in before. Many women would stay.
 

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They don't take children away because you don't have a permanent residence, they FIND you a permanent residence. I know it's scary to think about having your children taken away, but really, that is only a last resort. They try really, really hard to make your family sitaution work before they consider taking your children.. it's not exactly easy to place children in foster care.
 

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I think you should get some assistance. You're the kind of person that dhs wants to help because you're asking for it and need it.

I'm sorry that you're so far away and needing help. I'm sending positive energy your way.
 

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DSHS helps families in your situation all the time. I seriously doubt they would involve CPS, though I do understand your concern. Not having a permanent place to live isn't necessarily a reason for CPS to be involved in your life unless the situation you are currently in is dangerous for the children, which it obviously isn't. The fact that you are seeking help is going to look very good, because it shows you care and don't want to linger in the situation you are in. CPS gets concerned when parents *don't* want the help they so desperately need or are unable accept it, for whatever reason.
 

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I would seek help. You are between a rock and a hard place, and I'd rather see if you can get TANF than rely on someone you just met a couple of weeks ago.

I think you need to set up a living situation where you can live just you and your son. It's nice that this guy is helping you, but given your past history with an abusive relationship, you need to be on your own to heal.

And if you aren't divorced from your abusive husband, I think that not living with another man is the best bet. You really don't want this to come back to bite you in a custody hearing.
 

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There are many families in homeless shelters and their kids are not taken away. There are organizations that can help and if I were in your shoes I would reach out to them.

I would not only consider local (ie CPS/Dept of Family Services) type orgs but also the Catholic Church, or other faith based assistance as well. They WANT to help mamas who are doing their best in a terrible situation. Really.
 

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Good luck momma. Ask for help. Go to churches and ask there too.

V
 

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Absolutely ask for help. I ditto the contacting a church. Sometimes they can help direct you through all the red tape and many know of non-profits that help women and children. I would get out a phonebook, look up churches in the yellow pages, and contact the one that has the biggest advertisement. They will probably have an assistant pastor just for situations like yours. Big
headed your way!
 

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I don't know your story with your ex. If you called police and he was arrested/charged with a crime against you, most sheriff's offices have victim's assistance programs, that provide up to $50,000 for a place to live and other necessities.

Definitely ask for help. It wouldn't be CPS but social services in your area.

Good Luck!
 

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you are exactly the kind of person that assistance was set up for. it is for EMERGANCY situations to get you back on your feet. Honestly, I would do that asap and not live with the friend. You need to be able to focus on yourself and child and have someone help you.

Please check into state aide, but also church assistance.
 

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Sweetie....you escaped mortal danger with little posessions and your child....you're not a bad mother, you're are tryin to keep yourself and your son safe. Wipe from your mind that you are a mess up, that is your stbx, mother and whoever else talking that negative talkin the back of your skull.

You are a strong, capable, resourceful woman who is a loving mother and who is GOING TO MAKE IT on your own. Go ask for help...YOU are exactly who SHOULD be recieving help from the state...you are the EXACT reason that these services are available to people.

You can do this...I know it seems really crazy and upside down right now....but you have been manipulated for a long time, it's going to feel a little crazier than it realy is, for the simple fact that you have been in a highly controlled, eggshell situation for so long and are now out in the world, on your own and responsible for making all the choices. It's okay, it really will be okay.

Please be careful....I know this kindly stranger is helping you out...but please be wary of kindly strangers, you know?
I believe in people and in kindness...but I would really realy advise you to be cautious with your new friend.

You are going to make it, you are already %1,000 better off thanyou were...just for getting away from that horrible situation. You've totally got this.

One day you'll be laying safe in a bed, in your own place, snuggled up to your little angel boy. Everything wil be safe and quiet...and you will look back on this and half smile...you will have no idea how it is that you managed your way through....but you'll be so thankful that you did, because your new life is going to be so great. So great. I promise, I promise you will see the other side of this madness...don't you doubt that for a second.
 

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Go to social services. They will be up in your business a bit but it's worth it. This is exactly the case when they are needed and useful. If you get emergency childcare paid (which goes with TANF) you will have a much easier time getting a job at a daycare because they will also get paid for your little one. You will get emergency food, shelter, bus fare, childcare, etc. I had TANF and until I lost it due to a paperwork malfunction it was extremely helpful and totally worth it. I would keep in mind that you will have to be on the ball and persistent to keep everything rolling right. Since we changed over to the Tiers program everything has been a bit lousier. You should qualify for emergency though so just get your butt down to the closest Dept of Human/Social Services and get the paperwork filled out and make sure to let them know it's an emergency.
 

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I also agree you should go for help. I know someone else already mentioned Catholic Charities - where I used to live they had a whole apartment building for temporary housing, food, emergency financial assistance and child care available. St. Vincent de Paul would also be very helpful if they are in your town (another Catholic organization). I would also recommend Jewish Family Services if they have an office near you. You don't have to be a member of either religion to get help from them (you may already know this, but I know some people have had hesitation about going to them for this reason).
 
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