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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I think i'm too close to the situation to see it clearly, yk?<br>
I'll try to describe...<br><br>
So dd will be 2yo in a few days. DS will be 6mo on the same day. So it's been 6mos since ds was born and things are really getting out of control w/ dd. I thought she'd have a bit of a rough patch getting used to the new bub, but it's only getting worse.<br><br>
Every day seems to be a struggle. She has a huge meltdown at least once a day, during which she refuses all contact and won't even let me look at her. Even after the tantrum she avoids contact and doesn't want to talk about it (or hear me talk about it - she still doesn't talk much yet)<br><br>
Our major issues are w/ her hitting/pinching ds and taking toys out of his hands. He didn't mind so much before, but he's cutting 2 teeth now, so wants something to chew on, and gets upset when it's snatched from his hands. And the hitting is obviously upsetting him too.<br><br>
I used to carry him as much as possible, but now he really wants time on the floor - he's nearly crawling and loves his new found freedom - so i try to distract dd from him as much as i can. But there are many times throughout the day that i find myself yelling at her to leave him alone, or take back the toy and give it to ds, which causes a major blowup. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I've tried getting her to give him something else if she wants what he has, but she just doesn't want him to have ANYTHING. I try to be gentle w/ her, but i always end up yelling for her to stop. One of them is always in tears. I just don't know what to do.<br><br>
I'm trying to figure out what dd needs. I realise she's having trouble adjusting, but i don't know what to offer. I try to stay near during the meltdowns, but we never seem to get closure.<br><br>
Please help. What am i missing here? I don't want to be a horrible mum that yells and threatens and scares her kids every day, but i just don't have any other way to deal w/ it. The way i was brought up resurfaces no matter how much i try to find another way.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
Thanks, Trish
 

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You might want to check out the book Siblings Without Rivalry. It really opened my eyes to the way kids can feel when they get a new brother or sister, and calm, peaceful ways of helping them connect with each other and the adult.
 

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could dd use/get time alone with you.. or perhaps with a same age toddler.<br><br>
MY ds 22 mo is into snatching and "mine" and "now". A playdate with a pal same age where she can safetly work on these things?<br><br>
And maybe once in a blue moon let her "win" those arguements for toys? Find a way ds doesn't get "first pick" all the time?<br><br>
Just some thoughts, trying to see it from her POV.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I definitely think dd needs more time w/ me... we've just sold part of our business, which we're hoping will free up some of dh's time to be w/ us a bit more - maybe then i can do something just w/ dd, or even take a break myself.<br><br>
I think this is one of the biggest problems - i'm getting to burnt-out point. DD has always been a rotten sleeper, she still wakes between 4 - 8 times a night, usually to nurse. I'm trying to start the process of nightweaning, but she's resisting w/ all her strength, and most of the time i just give in and feed her just so we can all go back to sleep.<br><br>
So between the 2 dc i'm not getting much sleep at all... which of course means a heckuva lot less patience during the day. So i resort to yelling.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I'll order that book straight away. I'm willing to try anything... well, anything that maintains my respect for dd. I hate that i yell at her. I know she's just showing her emotions, but my protective instincts for ds always kick in.<br><br>
Oh, and yes, dd is also at that *mine* age - any time we have friends over for her to play with, she goes nuts about random toys/dolls that the other kids are playing with. Full blown hysterics. I don't get it.
 

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Please help. What am i missing here? I don't want to be a horrible mum that yells and threatens and scares her kids every day, but i just don't have any other way to deal w/ it. The way i was brought up resurfaces no matter how much i try to find another way.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
Thanks, Trish</div>
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<br><i>Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves</i> is a book that talks a lot about how we react based on old records (our upbringing). It gives some great ideas how to not react to those thoughts and react the way we would if we didn't have those thoughts.<br><br>
I know with a 2 year old and a baby, you don't have much time to read. The first couple chapters are pretty enlightening though.<br><br>
Having a 2 year old and a baby is extremely tough. When possible look at the positive intent behind your 2 year olds action. Is she curious? Does she want to see a reaction? Is she just experimenting. Looking at what drives the behavior, rather than just the behavior, can lead to reacting in a more understanding way.
 

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I didn't have time to read your whole post but I think that we are in the same place. Ds is 9 months and dd is 3 yrs. I cannot leave them together alone at all!!! It is so hard. Dd is really mean to him and it is so draining at times. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.
 

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Have you considered carrying HER around for a bit while he plays in a safe, babyproofed area? Maybe a way to squeeze in a little one-on-one?<br><br>
(((hugs))) mama.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Thanks for all the support. You're so right Springmama - i feel completely drained. It's a constant battle.<br><br>
I ordered Raising Our Children a while ago, but never even opened it! So i just started it today, and it is great so far. A good reminder for me to listen to my thought process before reacting.<br><br>
BUT, we're still a long way off. Today DD hit DS on the head w/ a toy, and he didn't react much, so i took the opportunity to try talking to her about it, and she hit him again. This time he cried, so i pointed out his reaction while picking him up. She actually smiled and tried to do it again! She either likes to get a rise out of me, or likes to see his reaction, or both.<br><br>
But how do i not react? She's TRYING to hurt ds.<br><br>
I do try to hold dd quite a lot - actually sometimes it feels like i have her in my arms more than ds some days. Lucky he's pretty easygoing, but i don't like giving most of my attention to dd just because ds doesn't complain a lot. Almost like i'm teaching him he'll be ignored until he's upset. Soooo not what i want for any of my dc.
 
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