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<p>My son Emeric was stillborn in august at 17 wks. We were very lucky to conceive fairly quickly (in october) but just passed the baby last night at 8 wks. Here is the story of little Pepper.</p>
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<p><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:calibri;">Well here I am again having to sit down and type yet another story of another one of my babies that has gone to soon. In August we buried our son Emeric and were devastated. I knew there was someone missing from our family. After a great deal of effort I was able to convince my husband that we could try again. In October we went to Las Vegas to celebrate our 9th anniversary. Two weeks later received a positive pregnancy test. Although I was scared to death I was thrilled at the possibility of finally completing our family.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:calibri;">                Nausea started immediately and the pregnancy appeared to be progressing just as it should. My belly even started to bulge a bit (which is not surprising as this was my 8th pregnancy). On wed. 11/24/10 (the day before Thanksgiving) I started bleeding bright red. I was terrified and sure that I had lost my little one. My Dr. and his awesome nurse kept the clinic open late and I rushed in. My husband met me there with all of the kiddos and we did an ultrasound. I was terrified as I climbed up onto the table. The dr. looked at everything then flipped the screen to me and asked if I wanted to see the heartbeat. It was amazing to see that little flutter. It was still disconcerting that I was bleeding but it gave me hope. My husband decided to name the baby pepper as I had a uti that had caused burning like when you eat hot peppers and I liked the idea because it looked like salt and pepper on the ultrasound.  I headed home to rest. The bleeding continued and didn't get any worse or any better. I spent most of Thanksgiving day in bed. It was so hard because I was so worried about the baby. Friday morning I went to I scream Ice Cream to celebrate my two youngest's birthdays. I stayed put but things just didn't feel right. Headed home afterwards to rest.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:calibri;">                About 6:30 I started getting cramping for the first time since the bleeding had started and it was heavier and sharper then I knew that it should be. My husband and I decided to head to ob triage to check things out. Before we got out the door (about 7:30) I went to the bathroom and heard a little plop. I reached in the toilet and grabbed the perfect sack. We called the kids in and broke it open. The baby was absolutely perfect and so very tiny. It was amazing how small it was compared to Emeric who was not even quite twice its age gestationally.  We decided to head to ob triage anyways to make sure that everything had passed.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:calibri;">                The staff was amazing!!! Each one individually told me how sorry they were for my loss with their words and a hug or a squeeze on the arm or hand. I truly felt taken care of. When I left I was given the all clear and I felt so empty inside. This was most likely our last chance  so I am morning my little pepper as well as the little one that is missing from our family.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-size:medium;"><span style="font-family:calibri;">                We plan on burying pepper in the cemetery with its brother sometime today. I will finish this story later. </span></span></p>
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<p>I am heartbroken. I really don't know if I can make it through this. This song keeps going through my head over and over. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svAZHZ83Qjs" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=svAZHZ83Qjs</a><span style="display:none;"> </span></p>
 

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<p>Sorry to see you here Nicole. <span><img alt="greensad.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/greensad.gif"> Thoughts and prayers that you can have the support and space to heal from this.</span></p>
 

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<p>I'm so sorry. :(</p>
 

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<p>I'm so sorry, Nicole <span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"></span></p>
 

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<p>I'm so so sorry, Nicole!  ((Hugs))</p>
 

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<p><span><img alt="mecry.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/mecry.gif"></span></p>
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<p><span><img alt="candle.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/candle.gif"> Pepper</span></p>
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<p><span>I am so very, very, very sorry Nicole.</span></p>
 

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<p>Oh, I am so very sorry. I am glad that you received good support by your care professionals. I hope that you are able to rest and grieve in your way.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #9
<p>we buried the baby today at the cemetary with his brother. <span><img alt="mecry.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="width:40px;height:15px;"></span></p>
<p>I really feel like I can't do this.</p>
 

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<p>:candle Pepper</p>
<p>I'm so sorry Nicole</p>
 

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<p><span><img alt="hug.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug.gif"> This is so unfair Nicole. I am SO sorry. The only thing that hurts more than losing a baby is losing a baby after losing a baby</span><span><img alt="bawling.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/bawling.gif">. I know those feelings of doing it all over again and the hopelessness of knowing exactly what you're facing. I hope that you find the support and love that you need to get through this.</span></p>
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<p>I am so so sorry to see this post. It's so incredibly unfair. I hope my baby P and your Pepper and out there somewhere playing dominoes or chasing puppies or something! It is absolutely heartbreaking, and I hope that your friends and family are fiercely rallying around to support you. I am sending so much love to you and your sweet beautiful baby Pepper. :hug x 1 million</p>
 

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<p>thank you everyone for your kind thoughts. Unfortunately I am not getting much support right now at all. I think I wore everyone out with Emeric, it was just so recent. I am feeling very alone in all of this. I bought storage bins today and got a storage unit. I am going to pack up all of the baby stuff tomorrow and got it out of my house. This just sucks so bad.</p>
 

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<br><br><div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>theboysmama</strong> <a href="/community/forum/thread/1281964/i-m-back-before-i-even-left#post_16080184"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a><br><br><p>thank you everyone for your kind thoughts. Unfortunately I am not getting much support right now at all. I think I wore everyone out with Emeric, it was just so recent. I am feeling very alone in all of this. I bought storage bins today and got a storage unit. I am going to pack up all of the baby stuff tomorrow and got it out of my house. This just sucks so bad.</p>
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<br><br><p>I am so sorry ~ it is tough enough to go through with support IRL ~ but to go through it twice back to back so soon with little support IRL is just not fair at all. Sending you hugs and wanting you to know I am thinking of you. Wish there was something I could say/do to help or make it better ~ but I know that in these moments there is little said or done that makes it better beyond just knowing we care...and we DO care! So sorry!</p>
 

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<p>I'm so sorry for your losses.<img alt="hug2.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/hug2.gif"></p>
 

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<p>That sucks! If they feel "worn out" from going through the loss of Emeric with you...HOW DO THEY THINK YOU FEEL?! I'm so sorry.</p>
 

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<p>We are here, mama; as much as we can be.</p>
<p>I've been on "clean up and get it out" mode since my loss too. I did this last time as well.</p>
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<p>I got it all packed up today. Man I have a lot of baby stuff. It is in my hallway right now. I have arranged a storage unit and will be taking it all over there tomorrow. Plus I am even going to take all the baby stuff out of my garage. I am not ready to get rid of all of it in hopes that maybe someday we will be able to have another baby if not through birth through fostering or adoption or something. I really really feel like there are more children for our family and this is just so hard.</p>
<p>It was freeing to get it all packed up and get it out of the house. It was sad but it felt good to. like I was actually doing something.</p>
<p>My midwife called to check on me and it felt so good. I feel very alone in this and it was so great that she reached out. I got my bedroom picked up too and that was nice. Today was a decent day overall considering the circumstances.</p>
<p>I have a SHARE meeting on thurs. that I am really looking forward to.</p>
<p>THank you everyone for your support and kind words. This forum has been a lifeline for me for over 5 yrs now. I don't know what i would do without mdc and all of you wonderful baby loss mamas!!!!!!!!! I can make it through this. I think I can I think I can I think I can.......................</p>
 

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<p>Brian and I just talked about this today. As of now we are terrified to get pregnant again and I'm honestly so sad and bitter that I don't even want another baby right now; I want the ones I lost. And I WANT to organize and free up space by getting all that stuff out of here but, for some reason, I can't do it. I have bags and bags of maternity clothes, cloth diapers and baby clothes and I can NOT give them away. It's eating me up knowing that someone else could use that stuff but I feel like if it's out of the house it's just.... over. Like if I hang onto it and it's in our way it's still a part of our lives but if I pack it all up and give it away it's gone. I won't be a mom that has baby things around ever again :-( Storage sounds like a great idea.</p>
 

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Discussion Starter #20
Dh is done and has a lot of valid reasons. I just feel like someone is missing. I know that whatever happens it needs to b a while until any official decision can b made. Until then I didn't want the baby stuff as a painful reminder plus we jst don't hav much space. Storage works for now bcs I jst can't bear getting rid of it.
 
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