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Discussion Starter #1
and I missed you all! We got back from Florida yesterday, but I was way too tired to check in and say hello.<br><br>
The trip was great - the kids had a blast at Disney and Seaworld and a lot of fun with my sister and parents. I already miss my family, my mom was in "normal" mode so there was no fighting which was really great.<br><br>
I did a ton of thinking and mentally preparing myself for making changes to my life. VABF and I spoke every day, but not about anything of importance and it was mostly just to update him on the kids and let DD talk to him.<br><br>
I'm working on a list of "demands", things that have to change for me to stay. Besides stopping the verbal abuse and threats, my other thing is that I REALLY no longer want to work for him. My working for him leads to a lot of the abusive conversations and situations, probably 75% of them and I'm not doing it anymore.<br><br>
The local real estate office by me is hiring, so I may look into that. I'm also going to look into driving one of the mini-vans for DD's school next year. I need something flexible and not a lot of hours so I can minimize the time DS is with a babysitter or in daycare.<br><br>
So, in a nutshell, that is it. So far VABF has been good since we got back, we'll see how long it lasts.
 

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Welcome back! Glad you had a wonderful and peaceful vacation away!<br><br><br>
I'd caution though about preparing a plan for when/if your BF doesn't meet your demands.<br><br><br>
I know it's not easy... beleive me, my line has moved so much over the past year. And I tried the list of demands and when he didn't do it... I lost ambition and got sucked right back in until I was at wits end again.
 

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Hey and welcome back. I'm glad you had a good vacation and had some time to think through things.<br>
That's good that you're coming up with a list of demands, but I agree with JMSA, be prepared with a back-up plan if he slips back towards abuse -- because, just statistically speaking, it's really improbable that he will actually change. You can't make people not be abusive, any more than you can make them stop drinking. Typically, you can't change your actions or the way you react to the abuse and make them begin to treat you in a non-abusive way. It sounds really appealing to just decide to not let him abuse you, but it doesn't usually work that way.<br>
Also, remember the cycle of abuse. He's aware of the fact that he is on the brink of losing you, so he is going to be on his best behavior. Don't mistake that for true change. It's all part of the cycle of abuse.<br>
Don't lose the forward momentum you've gained. Leaving abuse can definitely be one step forward and two steps back, so hang on to that mental clarity. Go back and reread your old posts if you find yourself wavering.<br>
Good luck, keep us posted and stay strong, mama. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Welcome back. I'm glad you had a good time with family and time to also clear your head and think.<br><br>
I have to agree with JSMa and MamaJen. Most likely it is only a matter of time before the old ways return, even if you are no longer working for him. If you want to wait it out, it's understandable. We leave when we are ready. But do continue to plan and keep in mind what you will do if (really I should say when) he returns to being VABF. Also be prepared for things to potentially escalate, he has lost some control over you and he may switch up tactics and be more aggressive in an attempt to regain that control.<br><br>
We are here to support you as you navigate this.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thanks everyone <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I agree with you all. I know the abuse will continue/start again. He isn't going to change and never will. But I can take this "honeymoon" period to do some things for myself to improve my situation.<br><br>
Basically, I am giving him the following list:<br><br>
#1 - no more name calling<br>
#2 - no more threats of violence<br>
#3 - I quit. I'm getting a regular out of the house job, even part time.<br><br>
I expect him to fail at #1 and #2. But if I complete #3 and have a JOB, I can leave when he does. In the meantime, if he at least tries to comply with #1 and #2 I can have some peace and a chance to even go after a new job.<br><br>
I'm going to start looking for work on Monday.
 

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i think you need to leave *first* then give him a list of demands. tell him if he gets help and can be abuse free for one year, he (or you) can come back.<br><br>
i have never seen a guy chance while his wife/partner was still there. i have known a few to change for the better after she left with the kids.<br><br>
or kick his ass out and then tell him he can come back if he gets his shit together in a year.<br><br>
you know he isn't gonna change. when you tell him you're gonna leave if he doesn't change, he's gonna tell you how it's your fault he is the way he is, "if you weren't so ______ he wouldn't have to act the way he does and go ahead and leave no one else will take you because you are so _______ ."<br><br>
get out now before he really hurts you or your kids.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I'm sure he isn't going to change, even if I leave right this minute.<br><br><br>
I gave him my list this morning. He didn't say anything verbally, but he wrote back his own list - A clean house and for me to stop "patronizing" him. He loves that word for some reason and uses it all the time. Its very annoying, lol.<br><br>
But at least he now knows that I'm not working for him anymore <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><br><br>
We'll see what happens next week when I start looking for part time work. I'm sure he won't help by watching the kids or anything. I'll have to depend on the neighbor to watch the baby while DD is in school and do my looking then. I'm very confident in my decision to quit and it feels great to not be tied to that phone 24 hours a day! (yes I had to answer the phone even if it rang at 2am, part of the licensing requirements for his business is providing emergency service) I've taken a big step for me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><br><br>
umami - I can't through him out. I already spoke to the attorney 2 weeks ago and I have no legal ties to this place at all since we aren't married and my name is on nothing. I would have to be the one that left and he would legally have the right to block me from accessing the home or anything I didn't take with me.
 

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yay <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
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