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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
not feel any love for your baby?


Maybe it's normal to not feel much love or anything at all really when you first find out?

Maybe it's just me and the way that I've had to sit down and make a huge "To Do" list and have had to be very matter of fact and methodical about most of what needs to be done?

When the nurse told me over the phone I said I was happy and later that day I had some happy moments where I smiled and poked my belly and said "hi baby" and took some pics later. I've had about 4-5 moments when I've felt happy,but I don't know if I've felt love yet.

In fact the word "Love" didn't even register with me until another mama answered another thread of mine and she mentioned something about me loving my baby.

I can I love my baby and I guess my actions prove that I do. I don't feel anything though for the baby.

So is this normal?
 

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Aww, it's okay!
Relationships take time and you have 9 months to get started!

I did not feel anything towards being pregnant or having another baby until one day, I just started talking to the little boo in my head. I know, it sounds odd. But I was just sitting there and I said silently, "It's okay. I want you. You're wanted. We're all going to love you." And whether that had a calming effect on me or we have a bond that even science cannot reach at this point, I felt the most amazing sensation.
 

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Totally normal.

However, there is the big question to ask yourself: Would you be sad/devastated if you lost the baby right now?

If the answer is yes, you already love it.


As for the head over heels love thing, that takes time. Honestly, until I could really start feeling the baby move, it was more abstract than 'real' love. When I could feel movement, it was more 'real' to me that there actually was a little human being in there, rather than just a really, really long case of food poisoning.


Ami
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Yeah,I'd be pretty sad. Last week I took out the box of baby stuff I've been collecting for my baby. I found some onesies and a fork and spoon set from Holland when I was there 10 years ago along with a bib from Paris and Belgium and a few things from other places that I got to visit.
 

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Normal. All normal.

I think there is a misconception that mother love is instant, like love at first sight, or first thought when it is pregnancy.

To be honest, I did not even feel love at first sight when my babies were born. For me, it was more tentative, and something we grew in to, deeper and deeper with each moment together. It was not instant.

I will share that I feel very tentative about this new baby as of yet. I really don't expect myself to feel connected until I hear a heart beat or feel a kick or see a bump. It's just how it is, for me. And that is fine.

Be easy on yourself. There will be a day when you will wonder what you ever did in life without the raging fire of love you have inside you for your little one. A long, slow love is the kind that is strong and lasting.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Well I do feel much better now knowing that other mamas feel or have felt the same thing. When I first found out or maybe it was while waiting for the results I thought that you know I'd love to do the whole delayed cord clamping lay the baby on my chest for an hour thing....but then what if I can't cuz I don't like "it",meaning the baby? What if I start to scream "off off off" like they tell you to do at the bug zoo when you're holding a bug and suddenly get scared. This is something that I'm going to talk with the doula or doulas that I interview b/c I think that's something they can help with.
 

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I don't really bond much with babe before it's born, until then it's not really 'real' in my world, I suppose. I'm at the point that I really want to meet this little person, but there is still a level of detachment as well. I know that when babe gets here that I'll be over the moon though, but even some people take longer than that to warm up and that's okay too!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by xixstar View Post
I don't really bond much with babe before it's born, until then it's not really 'real' in my world, I suppose. I'm at the point that I really want to meet this little person, but there is still a level of detachment as well. I know that when babe gets here that I'll be over the moon though, but even some people take longer than that to warm up and that's okay too!
I was the same way with both of my boys & trying to remember that so I don't feel guilty for it again this time.
 

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Oh yes, especially with your first and being still in the first trimester.

Some women get all in love from the first moment, some not until the baby kicks, some not until the baby is born, and I don't think it has anything to do with how good a mother they turn out to be.

Give yourself time to adjust to the idea. Chances are at some point in the pregnancy you'll find your emotions changing.
 

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like everyone else said, it takes a while and its so much more abstract with your first because youv'e never done it before! with my 2nd, i was always looking to the bonding experience i had with my first for reassurance .. now i'm pregnant with a surprise baby and it is a whole new experience again..
 

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It's OK! With both of my DC, I didn't even have that rush of "Oh I LOVE them!" at first sight, I was mostly glad to be done with all that pushing! It takes time to adjust, time to get use to the idea you will be a Mom! Especially for Mama's who aren't anticipating a pregnancy!! I find that I worry alot in pregnancy, which makes the love hard to float to the surface. You've got lots of time to go to adjust, be gentle with yourself!! It's a big thing to find out, and then wrap your mind around!
 

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I loved DS from conception (as in I was exited I was pregnant and would have been devastated if I lost the baby) but he didn't become a real person to me until we had the 20 week ultrasound and found out his gender. At which point he became a person, with a name. And even then I still found the idea there was a human being wiggling around inside me totally disconcerting. But once he was born I LOVED him. More than anything else.
 

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Definitely normal! I still have trouble feeling 100% connected to this baby all of the time, and am starting to realize it's a very odd thing... even though she's been growing inside of me for months, in a way it will be like welcoming a stranger into our family. I know that we'll fall in love with her quickly AND over time, if that makes sense, but it's a completely unique situation - inviting someone brand new into our 2-person family unit, not knowing who she'll be, and she'll be totally dependent on us. But all of that will come in time.
Just enjoy the moments where you do feel the love and joy, and try not to worry or hold onto the ones where you feel kinda "meh, whatever" about the whole thing. It's a process...
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by xixstar View Post
I don't really bond much with babe before it's born, until then it's not really 'real' in my world, I suppose. I'm at the point that I really want to meet this little person, but there is still a level of detachment as well. I know that when babe gets here that I'll be over the moon though, but even some people take longer than that to warm up and that's okay too!
That is a good point! I have heard so many women express fear/concern/guilt b/c even after the baby was born they didn't "feel" anything.

IMO that "over the moon" feeling is hormonal. Love is a choice. Feelings are hormones.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by ilovemyavery View Post
It's OK! With both of my DC, I didn't even have that rush of "Oh I LOVE them!" at first sight, I was mostly glad to be done with all that pushing!
I was about to say the same thing. My first thought after giving birth was, "Thank God that's over!"

I thought it was cool when I was pregnant, but it was to wrap my head around that my big bulge was really a baby. I fell in love with my daughter after she was born.

Right now I'm just finishing my first trimester and so far I've been focusing on getting through the day. It's hard to comprehend that what feels like an illness is really a human being who's going to join my family. So yeah, you're totally normal
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by jsh7809 View Post
even though she's been growing inside of me for months, in a way it will be like welcoming a stranger into our family. I know that we'll fall in love with her quickly AND over time, if that makes sense, but it's a completely unique situation - inviting someone brand new into our 2-person family unit, not knowing who she'll be, and she'll be totally dependent on us. But all of that will come in time.

What blew me away more than any other part of pregnancy/labor/birth/parenting was the moment I saw him and all I could think was "Oh, you! That's right, it was you!" It was the most amazing surreal moment of recognition for someone I had never met before. It was incomprehensible, but he was the farthest from stranger as anyone I've ever met.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Altair View Post
What blew me away more than any other part of pregnancy/labor/birth/parenting was the moment I saw him and all I could think was "Oh, you! That's right, it was you!" It was the most amazing surreal moment of recognition for someone I had never met before. It was incomprehensible, but he was the farthest from stranger as anyone I've ever met.
I've heard this!
And I'm hoping it's true for me, too, but I don't want to have any expectations, and just keep in mind that I will grow to love my little girl whenever is right for us.
I'm so excited to meet her though!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Altair View Post
What blew me away more than any other part of pregnancy/labor/birth/parenting was the moment I saw him and all I could think was "Oh, you! That's right, it was you!" It was the most amazing surreal moment of recognition for someone I had never met before. It was incomprehensible, but he was the farthest from stranger as anyone I've ever met.
I never had that moment.
I was put under general anesthesia and couldn't see him for the first 24hrs after birth. Ds was in NICU too. When I first went in, I had to have dh tell me which baby was my son.


I felt very disconnected. However, spending time with ds, and especially nursing him really bonded us. Within a week or two I was crazy in love with him. Dh and I had our first anniversary a month after ds was born, and it was painful to leave him, that's how attached we were.

So, all that to say is that even under the most 'anti-bonding' environment, it can still happen. And yes, it takes some time.


Ami
 
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