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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
if this couple I'm working with has a boy. I'm a doula, had a prenatal with a couple tonight, she's due in 2 freaking weeks, they are a friend's brother and his wife, I thought they would come around, I really did, I thought they would be smart about it. Remember that article in my local paper? Apparently, it only proved to him that it's his choice, he's read the pros and cons, blah blah blah, completely shut down.

Oh please let it be a girl. I'll have such a hard time finding joy in that room if it's a boy.

I told her to check with her doc and find out about the pain meds they use, and told her nothing was unacceptable, as was tylenol, and to ask if dad would be able to go with baby, since he deserved to have someone who loved him in the room, and not to be surprised if she had problems breastfeeding. this was all when dad had left the room that I said this part. he was a complete ass about it and just couldn't get past the "well it's our choice, that's what we've decided, pros and cons, our choice" bs.

I have never worked with a family who circed before. I've worked with people who were undecided, but they come around. I have to stop working with people I know. That's when it gets hard. I give so much info, about half my packet is circ stuff.

I felt the air get knocked out of me when they said they would. The mom said something about "hopefully we'll have a girl and we won't have to think about that" and I said, " yah, aren't we lucky in this country that the girls are protected?" I admit it was a little sarcastic.
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I'd send a loud and clear message to them a.s.a.p. You can tell them that you can no longer work with couples who choose to circumcise; starting now. You can also tell them that it violates too many human rights ethics for you. Many doulas wont do it, so you are not alone. Perhaps it will be an eye-opener to them. We absolutely can not continue to offer our support to the circumcising culture anymore....it just sends the wrong message.
 

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If I were in your position I would completely refund them whatever they have paid and tell them that I simply could not work with them anymore. I really couldn't pin my hopes on a 50/50 chance. What they want to do should it be a boy is sick and wrong. I would not be able to see past that.
 

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I think you should refund their money (however your contract is set up) and tell them there is no way you can support a mother through labor with the thought running through your mind about how, in a few short hours, that perfect newborn boy is going to endure having part of his genitals ampuated.

~Nay
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Coloradoalice- they aren't paying me, this is a sort of friend, they have no money and they are due any minute. I can't dump them. I wish I could, but I can't. Not only would it ruin my relationship with them, but with one of my oldest friends (dad's sister) and her parents. Them circing only ruins one relationship (me and them).

I've been having the "can I work with couple who..." debate for a few years now (not just about circ, other stuff too). One of my best friendds is also a doula and doesn't work with couples who circ. We talk about it all the time. I'm glad she does that. I've always thought (foolishly, apparently) I could help change minds; I've been fairly sucessful at it. I know of at least 3 boys who are intact because I was the doula, and a handful of girls who would have been left intact had they been boys. I was making a difference. But this one is killing me.
 

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That's such a hard situation. Have you thought about explaining to them that as a doula it's very important to you to support moms through the birthing process and to ensure babies have the gentlest welcome possible, and how deeply the possibility of their baby being born a healthy, normal boy and being subjected to such an unnecessary traumatic experience upsets you? Maybe letting them know that you've never had a client do such a thing before, and that you are really uncomfortable attending their birth knowing they're going to circumcise if it's a boy will cause them to rethink whether it's still the norm and/or how invasive/painful/harmful it truly is...just a thought.

(((Hugs))) Momma.

Jen
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by dnr3301
please, I'm hurting here. This is not helpful. I do not believe this "choice" should be left up to the parents.

Coloradoalice- they aren't paying me, this is a sort of friend, they have no money and they are due any minute. I can't dump them. I wish I could, but I can't. Not only would it ruin my relationship with them, but with one of my oldest friends (dad's sister) and her parents. Them circing only ruins one relationship (me and them).

I've been having the "can I work with couple who..." debate for a few years now (not just about circ, other stuff too). One of my best friendds is also a doula and doesn't work with couples who circ. We talk about it all the time. I'm glad she does that. I've always thought (foolishly, apparently) I could help change minds; I've been fairly sucessful at it. I know of at least 3 boys who are intact because I was the doula, and a handful of girls who would have been left intact had they been boys. I was making a difference. But this one is killing me.

But refusing to help them would send a strong message and perhaps they'd reconsider.
 

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I'm sorry.

I know of atleast one doula in St. Paul that will not work parents that intend to circ. In rereading your post - I'm probably thinking of your friend. Sarah?

Honestly, in your postition i would explain that I'm very sorry but I wouldn't be able to continue working with them. Offer to give them the names of other doulas. While I wish you could change everyone's mind- you can't. I think the stand doulas take in not working with parents that intend to circ makes a very strong statement.

I'm sorry you're hurting.
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Ruthla
Is there any way to convince them to at least delay the circ for a few days, until after BF is well established?
: If they were convinced to wait a couple weeks then they could very well change their minds once they saw how perfect their (potential) little boy is. I would talk up delaying and reasons it's good to delay since the father is so adamant and won't listen to reason


's and good luck!

love and peace.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ruthla
Is there any way to convince them to at least delay the circ for a few days, until after BF is well established?
This is what I'm going to work on.

Helen- yep, sarah. I've been leaning that way for so long, this just puts the nail in the coffin. And I agree doulas having this stand is powerful; I'v just always been of the opinion that I could help change people's minds, which I know I have, and that we need many people working at this issue from many perspectives. I just can't be the "mind changer" doula anymore. It's too hard for me when it doesn't work (this is the first time it hasn't worked).

Would I work with them if they were circing a dd? This is exactly what I've been trying to figure out. I'm torn about this, not because of the how I feel necessarily, but because of the timing. If they were due in 2 months, I would have no issue dropping them, they would have time to find someone else. If it wasn't friends, if they weren't broke, if they weren't so clueless.

I dreamt about it all night. I have to do something. I'll send her the link to the video, maybe say I'll talk to them after they watch it. I just don't know. This just sucks.

I have been nauseas ever since last night. I kept waking up and thinking about it. I'm a wreck this morning.
 
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