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I think my husband may be suffering from delusions, because he just posted a Facebook status about how tired he is because he's working on so many projects and the baby's coming soon. It takes all of my restraint not to post a smart ass comment, especially as he sleeps, despite having promised to help me finish digging out the sod for my pumpkin patch today, which he listed as one of his "projects"! Seriously, it's a 200 square foot plot that I've gotten two thirds of the way done entirely by myself, he says he'll help me with the rest, and then tells the world that HE is working so freaking hard on a pumpkin patch. But this is not really about pumpkins.

We own our own business. We have 3 locations. I run one, he runs one, and a friend/employee runs the third. Aside from that, he is in charge of community events/networking, promotion, and maintenance stuff. I'm in charge of the books, taxes, ordering, employee stuff, and anything else that requires being organized. So that seems fairly balanced right? But I'm the only one who does anything around the house. He helped out a bit during the first trimester, but because I was so tired and sick, things got backed up. I've almost caught up on laundry, but we have dishes that seriously have been sitting for months. I do some every day so it doesn't get worse, but I'm tired, I get busy with work stuff, and honestly I'm unmotivated because I feel alone in a situation that I feel like we should be tackling together. There are other projects around the house that need to be done too, mainly involving clutter, and I really want to nest, but I barely have time to keep things you know, not filthy. I can't even get him to take over litter box duties while I'm pregnant! So a couple of weeks ago I broke down, I told him I needed help, and he basically told me to screw off. He got very defensive, saying that he does a lot and works very hard and I don't appreciated anything. In the end he did agree that the place needs to be nice for the baby, and we made a plan to spend an hour before work every day doing some work around the house together, but it seems he agreed just to appease me, because nothing's happening. I get up and start getting things done, he sleeps another hour, then grabs his phone and lays in bed on Facebook for another hour, then rolls out of bed and is like "sorry I gotta get to work like, now" and off he goes.

Anyway, things have been really pleasant between us since that "agreement" so I haven't really been pushing things, just kinda trudging along with the housework, and doing my own thing. Now the guy who runs our third store is quitting, and he's been doing a crappy job for some time now so the store needs a whole overhaul. We just had to fire another guy there as well. So hubby tells me I need to get in there, fix things, hire a new staff, and train them. Unfortunately he's right. I seem to be the only one who can effectively train people, and my store runs great despite me only actually being there a couple days a week. It's a gift and a curse I guess. So I told him fine, do some interviews, hire some guys, and I'll tackle this project; my last one because I'm about to become a stay at home mom. Last night he tells me "I need help. I have so much going on with the community events. I need you to do the hiring and take care of that store ASAP." Dude. No. Just no. I have to draw the line somewhere.

BTW this wasn't my business endeavor. I've dedicated the last 5 years to helping him achieve his dreams and I don't regret any of it, but now it's time for mine. All I've ever wanted was to be a mother and it's happening, so I'm phasing myself out. This isn't new information to him. This was all discussed at great lengths and well planned out. Anyway, a good chunk of his "work" right now is playing video games with a bunch of guys, going to tournaments, planning and promoting our big upcoming tournament, and a seemingly endless level of Facebook interaction that he calls networking. It's all very good for the business, I suppose, but I wouldn't call it essential. So I have very little sympathy for his being tired and overworked right now...

I've been holding out hope that he's really just trying to get in as much fun stuff as he can before the baby comes, and that this is a phase that will pass. He tends to go through phases. But it's frustrating at the moment. He's terrified about being a dad, like I think every guy is, and probably also really worried about how the business is going to run without me (I will still work from home, but won't be a real presence in the stores anymore). So, that was my rant. Someone tell me this is a normal adjustment period for any husband/wife dynamic, and we'll deal. Or give me tips on what to do with him after I smack him in the head a few times... Either one. Lol. Thanks for listening. I know this was agonizingly long. I guess I really needed to vent.
 

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It is perfectly normal for one or both new parents (or even when you are transitioning from 1 to 2 kids, etc.) to freak out a little. It sounds to me like he's having a hard time adjusting to not only basically being the sole bread-winner or "outside of home" worker, losing his business partner and wife as he knows her, but also becoming a dad. Unfortunately it kind of sounds like he's in shut-down or avoidance mode and that can be the most challenging to deal with--if he's not a communicator. It's not really fair for him to count on you to swoop in and save the other store right now, but it also sounds like he has a lot on his own plate since he's not just losing one store manager, but two. Like you said, it's HIS dream but now he'll basically be the only one responsible for it. Not saying you won't be doing anything, but I don't really know what your work-load will be like once you become a stay and home mom (which is a huge undertaking in and of itself).

Balancing the work-load at home is a very common marital discrepancy, and it often gets even more challenging when you have kids (and/or stay at home). Honestly, I hate to say it, but if he's not helping but also not complaining about the mess, it isn't the worst of it. If he were pissing and moaning because the house is a mess but wouldn't lift a finger it's a little different, and honestly, with the work stress you both have (and you being pregnant) I'm surprised anything at all gets done around the house! Fortunately you still have a few months before baby is here, and you (and he) may kick into full-gear nesting AFTER the store is taken care of.

I would try talking to him about what he's worried about about becoming a father, being "the" working parent, how your relationship might be changing. If he's not a communicator, instead of bugging him about what he's not doing try dishing out "atta-boy"s for things you DO appreciate him doing. Like supporting you becoming a stay at home mom, making you a mother, or for working so hard. When he does do something around the house, make a big deal about it. It really helped me when one day my husband said to me, "Sometimes I just want to hear about the things you DO like instead of just the things you don't.". It caught me completely off guard, but he was totally right.

Instead of making a plan for every day, just mention one thing that would really make you happy if he did it, and go from there. Don't make a big deal about what he's NOT been doing, just mention something reasonable he COULD be doing. Again, while an hour doing stuff around the house isn't unreasonable, maybe right now it's just too much for the both of you. Pick your battles. Heck, maybe use disposable dishes for the time being. It sounds like you are having a hard time getting things done around the home right now, too, so give yourself a free pass as well. There will be more dishes to clean tomorrow, right?


Hope that helps a little. I'm certainly not trying to take his side, but I do know that me sitting here and talking about your husband being a selfish jerk right now doesn't really help anything. I'm not excusing his behavior so much as trying to get to the bottom of it. I had very similar problems with my now ex-husband...

Hang in there, mama!
 

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It really sounds like you would both benefit from time with a marriage counselor. Please go and see one. If your husband won't go with you, go by yourself.
 

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I don't have time to do a full reply bit I wanted to offer soemthing as someone who has btdt as dh and I are also both self employed and working together.

First, get a cleaner. Yiu have enough $ for a pumpkin patch on sod you can sacrifice a bit to get some help. We spend $60 per month for a woman to come clean our floors and bathroom 2x per month, money well spent I'll tell you for sure! She's flexible and did some dishes etc... when I was preg too.

Second, go to marriage counselling immediately.

Third, accept that your husband will probably *not* understand what you're going through entirely or even mostly. You can't count on him for validation in this sense, turn instead to other women who were recently or are currently pregnant. Welcome to the sisterhood.

Four, accept that yes, it is primarily you who does all the heavy lifting being pregnant but your husband is going through his own weird s**t that may also be difficult for you I understand. Even though it's incredibly irritating and difficult try to be supportive of him, unless he's a total dirtbag of course.

It's okay. Pregnancy causes fights for so many couples. It's okay and normal, I promise. You just have to figure out a plan to get through it.
 

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I understand as I dont have one of those stereotypical "honey, you are pregnant, let me do that for you" type of husbands either. But, I have gotten used to it, as this is my 6th pregnancy. Plus it is just his personality. I try not to have him help with my tasks too much. He works and I am a housewife and stay at home mom to our 5 kids. But I do have him clean off his plate and put it in the dishwasher, and many times fold or hang up his clothes. Mainly because he is picky and I am not good at it like him and I can barely reach where he puts his folded clothes. He takes out the trash, but that is his own idea. At First, he had no issue helping more and still doesn't, but I told him it was my job so he leaves that up to me. But sometimes, I have felt like waving the white flag to surrender. Occasionally, I ask for help, but most of the time I dont out of guilt. But the lack of him helping around the home is not the issue with me, it is his refusal to do the "manly" things. But I cant blame him too much, his dad is the same way. For instance, I had planned to hang a tire swing for the kids before I got pregnant. ...but didn't get the stuff until after pregnant. Both my husband and my father in law didn't offer help even though they knew I was 5 months pregnant and on a ladder. What irritated me most was that after NOT helping me, even when he WATCHED me struggle. . . father in law undid what I did the next day and re hung it! I was ticked! Stuff like that has not been uncommon around here. Last pregnancy, I ended up in the ER with aback injury possibly due to heavy lifting because of no help. Obliviously, I could just not do those things, but when you want them done, sometimes sacrifices are made. Don't get me wrong, I have a great husband, he just doesn't fully understand how pregnancy changes our abilities. I can only think of 2 times during all of my pregnancies, that he showed concern for what I was doing. But on the flipside, my extended family go overboard on what I shouldn't do, so a balance is nice, :) I found it Ironic that my husband had a head cold and napped, yesterday but when I excessively sleep, he "jokes" about it being lazy. Sorry to get on my own rant, but I understand where you are coming from. I personally just try to let it roll off my back as the fact that he doesn't understand, I will say he is getting better at being involved in the pregnancy than others (only took 6 pregnancies) lol. A man can never TRULY understand pregnancy and unfortunately some don't even try. My advice is, don't let it run your marriage. Guard your mouth in what you say to him because you can never take those words back. It sounds like you both have a full plate, but unfortunately many men dont prioritize how woman do. My husband can play videogames for several hours and he doesn't consider that lazy, but if I sleep in, then it is! He is a great dad though and very reliable worker, so thankfully I can rest assured in that he will always provide for the family. Your husband is probably just feeling the stress of now having to provide for an extra person with less help at work. Life is changing for him too and we need to remember that aswell.
 

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Vent away...

I understand the desire to avoid potential conflict, but it doesn't sound entirely pleasant for you at the moment.

I love my cleaners. Finances would have to get pretty tight indeed before I would part with that part of the week.
 

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I think I must be getting old and crotchety because all I can think is he needs to grow the F up.

Like BlessedOne, the more children we've had the more dh has taken on, but that doesn't really help you right now. (Neither will telling your dh to grow the F up.)

I'm sorry. I feel for you, that's for sure.

Oh, and throw away those old dishes! If he wants to keep them, let him wash them. And switch to paper for a time. I hate paper - it's such a waste, but I am using it now out of desperation.
 

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They do make compostable paper plates... just saying :wink: I have a lazy with the house work DH also. When it comes to supping up his racing lawn mower though he could work on that all day... I feel for you
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Sorry I've been MIA since I posted this. I have been reading all your responses and I'm very grateful for the insight and advice, I just haven't had time to reply until now.

He did end up helping me with some of the digging that day so I could finally get my pumpkin plants in the ground! (And then complained about all the blisters on his hands while I was like "Really...mine are too calloused for that" LOL) Anyway, I took some of the advice here and I stopped expecting him to tackle projects with me and I ask him for one little thing at a time. Sometimes he does it, sometimes he doesn't, but its less stressful than having so much expectation. I've also been making a bigger deal out of little things he does...like putting away a few dishes that I washed. Hopefully it will help!! We've talked a little bit about his being stressed out, and he really had no idea until recently what the 4th trimester or "babymoon" is going to be like. I think he thought I was going to be able to wear the baby to the store to help out if needed after the first few weeks :eek: so I think he's processing reality now. And maybe he's wanting me to pull extra weight at work right now because of it...which is, well, pretty impractical, but I'll do what I can. My top priority is the baby, but I guess I can understand the baby is still an abstract concept to him since it hasn't been part of his body for 5 months.

Meanwhile I'm a little freaked out about what my life is going to be like during those first few months, due to his being freaked out, but I figure if I spend my last few weeks of pregnancy making and freezing meals/casseroles, and hire a maid at least for a certain period of time, and he gets more motivated around the house, I should be okay. If when the cats puke on the carpet he could clean it up sometimes instead of leaving it for me, and if I didn't have to remind him 3 times EVERY time that it's garbage night for fear of missing a week and having overflowing garbage, that would be a success. (Our driveway is very long and taking out the trash isn't something I could do at this point if I wanted to.) I do use paper plates when I can, but since I'm currently washing everything I use right away, the only problem is the old dishes. I could barely set foot in the kitchen for a good chunk of the first trimester due to sensitivity to smells, so that's pretty much what that is. Gross, I know. Everything needs to be soaked and scrubbed hard. I will never win with him when it comes to dishes. His attitude is that if I decide to cook a meal, I'm signing up for the responsibility of the cleanup. It's totally backwards in my book, because I'm cooking food for him too...but he claims if it were just him he'd go out to eat all the time or just make a sandwich or snack on whatever.:serious:

We have been considering seeing a counselor, not because things are terrible, but because I feel like we should work on our communication with one another before another person comes into the mix. He's more hesitant about it than I am, but if I arrange it he'll go.
 
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