Mothering Forum banner

1 - 11 of 11 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
521 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I need to vent...I feel like I'm losing myself.<br><br>
I've been w/ my DH for 2.5 years. However, we just got married in November of last year. Right before our marriage everything was great. I mean great. Then after we get married everything has changed. My DH is 43yo and for the most part is a good guy...but sometimes I think he married me for the wrong reasons (he really wanted to start a family) and wasn't really ready to let go of his bachelorhood and self-centered ways. I say that w/ an understanding that no person who has lived alone and had only themselves to take care of for their whole adult life is going to grieve the loss of their once "ME" centered life; but marriage takes comprimise. I really thought all would come into place after we were married. Right before we left for our wedding destination I suffered a miscarriage that was very painful and heartwrenching. I was shocked when we concieved again, for one because unlike before we were married we were barley doing the BD because we weren't getting along at all; when I first found out I was pregnant I was upset to be honest because he wasn't turning out to be the husband I was given the impression he would be b4 we were married.<br><br>
He has kept his apartment overlooking the ocean-and doesn't want to give it up. It is a small 900sq ft apartment and he is now trying to convince my DD & I to move into this place w/ a baby on the way. In the meantime nothing for him has changed...yet at my little apartment, he is constantly critiquing me and what he would like changed. I accomadated him at first, moving furniture, etc. He asked me to move my WAH office to his place...because he wanted me to share half the rent there and half the rent at my place. OKay except that my personal life/volunteering and business is mixed on my computer and it wasn't working for me. I told him I had to move my office back to my place. He didn't help me move my stuff back and didn't want my office back in my bedroom. I accomadated him and have moved my office in the LR which isn't working...there isn't enough room.<br><br>
Our discontent is based his new expenses, the lack of making my place a home for the time being and not being willing to move away from the beach because he has to have a view. For any of you in California and San Diego...you know how expensive these places can be right along the coast...it just won't happen.<br><br>
I feel like I'm rambling but I had to just spill it, cause I just got through bawling like I haven't done in a very long time. My life is so unorganized w/ no direction for my family sometimes I wish it everything was the same as before I got married.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,046 Posts
Fighting over money just seems to get more extreme when there's a baby on the way. And it sounds like it would be a huge relief to be rid of the additional expense of his apartment, great view or not.<br><br>
I'm sorry things are bumpy right now. You didn't ask for advice, so I'm not going to give any (my advice isn't terribly good most of the time, anyway!). Just a hug <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,855 Posts
(((((((((((Anita))))))))))) Have y'all thought about getting a new place w/a view together? I'm sorry you are having a rough time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
521 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks Amanda & Chicky2...<br>
I was just feeling so down about how 'awful' this place is per my DH, I went on a rampage and cleaned this place like I haven't in a very long time; but it set my belly twinging, so I think I pushed it too much and had to stop.<br><br>
One thing I didn't mention before is DH & I both work from home and he is in need of space for networking equipment that he sells. My ideal solution is to get a 4bedroom place so both he & I have a room/office as well as a bedroom and my DD has a bedroom. If he keeps his place & gets a roomate, he'll be spending $750.00 a month for an office.<br><br>
I wish we could afford a bigger place with a view...I'd love that, but it's not practical. These people want upwards of $2500-$3000 a month for a 2 & 3bdroom place and I am a WAHM who struggles to get by and pay my regular bills + my DD's exhorbitant soccer expenses.<br><br>
I hope we can come to an agreement...at this point I wish my life was like it was before we were married.<br><br>
Thanks so much for the hugs you guys... They are truly appreciated.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,855 Posts
Wow, that's twice what we pay for 4 bedrooms, 2 full baths, 2 half baths, and 5 acres of wooded/creek on property land! That's ridiculous! I know the ocean is gorgeous, but man, I could never afford that! We'd definitely have to settle for driving there.<br><br>
((((((((((more hugs for Anita)))))))))
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,205 Posts
Well.... maybe more towards the middle of the pregnancy he will realize what is most important and see that he can give up the view. Before we had DS #1 my DH always has said he could never move from the ocean myself included ( we live one block away though can still hear the waves) plus he surfs. However, He says he could move in a heartbeat if we needed to for any reason etc.<br><br>
Michele
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,261 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I am so sorry things are not as they should be right now. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/praying.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="praying">: for you and your dh.<br><br>
Honestly, I have had similar issues in the past. I read a book Power of a Praying Wife and it has changed my life. I highly suggest it! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,825 Posts
I'm in San Diego also so i do know those prices well.If you weren't paying rent on 2 apt's wouldn't that free up enough money to get a 4 bedroom home?Also a decent 4 bedroom place in any part of San Diego will be at least $2-2500.I'm looking for a place in Encinitas right now and it looks like we will have to pay around $2500 for a 3-4 bedroom home but that is the same in East County where we are.<br><br>
It sounds like you both need to sit and talk about all of your options and what would be best for your family and not just for him.Remind him pregnancy is a very emotional time and you need less pressure and stress and more compassion from him.I'm sorry you have to deal with this stress right now.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
1,532 Posts
I'm sorry to hear that things are tough. Pregnancy makes things tougher. My DH and I got into a tiff last night when we were supposed to be on our date night. I hope that you are both able to reach a compromise and work together to find a good home solution. Hang in there<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
521 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
You guys are a true blessing <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grouphug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="grouphug"> . Thank you so much...<br><br><span style="color:#000080;">Michelle</span>..My DH is a surfer as well. I'm grateful he loves the ocean I love it too...I love living here. I currently live in a tiny 2bd apartment 1 block from the beach w/ very reasonable rent. But it's 'tiny' and crowded...I don't mean to sound ungrateful. Gosh I know I am rich in so many ways.<br><br><span style="color:#000080;">Hey Avani</span>...another SD gal <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I live in Carlsbad and there are houses inland just a bit for a reasonable price totally. The 2bd/2500 ones are right on the coast where DH would absolutely LOVE to live and I wish we could darn it, it's just gotten so out of hand around here. We also have to stay in the school district for my 16yo DD. I am going to discuss w/ him the need to keep stress at a low at all costs. If we didn't have to switch school districts I would totally LOVE to live in Encinitas...so many of my friends are there and there are great places available.<br><br><span style="color:#000080;">AngelBee</span> I completely agree w/ you in the power of prayer. Believe me I am lifting us up all the time.<br><br><span style="color:#000080;">bertrandsgirl</span>-thank you so much for your thoughts and I hope you and your DH are doing okay today.<br><br>
Yesterday I wrote him an email...I know that sounds weird but I can write my feelings down pretty well, he responded w/ an email that was a little defensive but apologetic at the same time. Anyway, he spent the night at his place last night, which I was kind of glad for to give me some time cause I was still upset. He came over this morning and woke me up w/ a kiss. We sat down and he said he wants to do whatever I want to the best of his ability. We went and looked at a 3bd house this morning and he's looking at another condo this afternoon. So I guess we're making some headway. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/Peace.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Peace">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
649 Posts
I'm sorry you are in such a tough spot. It doesn't make any sense for him to want to keep 2 apartments. The 2 bed 900 sq ft apartment we rented in Oceanside cost $1400+ a month and it was no where near the beach. I hope you are able to come to a comprimise for everyone's sake. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 
1 - 11 of 11 Posts
Top