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Mentally and physically that is. Monday was my 9-week mark; I overdid it and had a little bit of light brown spotting. I went in Tuesday morning just to get everything checked out. As soon as I saw the u/s screen I knew, as did the doctor and u/s tech. The room got very quiet and he said "we'll talk about this in a minute". As soon as he handed the probe to the u/s tech she fled the room and he said "You're either much earlier in your pregnancy then we though or things aren't progressing as we would like". The baby stopped developing at 6 weeks. I know I am 9 weeks exactly. He told me how 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. He offered me hormone tests and another u/s and follow up appointment and told me to call if I start bleeding heavily. I was very stoic, probably due to being in shock. I made the apt, went to the hospital, waited in line, registered, had my blood drawn, then totally broke down. I cried the rest of the day, I am still crying on and off all day. I am so heartbroken. DH came home and when he held me I really lost it. The only thing that made me feel better is very hot baths, just time alone you know? My 17-month old son of course keeps me busy, which is a blessing in that I don't have time to think but also bad because I don't have time to grieve or wallow in self-pity. Tonight I am throwing a surprise baby shower for my best friend and wondering if I'm going to melt down and ruin it for everyone. I am DREADING tomorrow, I don't want to see that u/s again, it was the worst thing in the world to me not to see a beautiful baby on that screen. I don't want to have to hear what to expect and what happened and make a plan. I can't have a D&C, everything about it seems wrong for me. DH wants me to have one, the doc probably will because its neater and more controlled for them and lets face it, more revenue. I am so hurt, I just feel like this big wound or a zombie or something. The odd thing to me is every indication was that my pregnancy was healthy and now since the very moment the doctor told me that bad news it is like my body is letting go, I have been spotting and having the occasional cramp or clot. Its like hope was the only thing holding me together and now that its gone I can just come undone.<br><br>
UPDATE: My hormone levels were decreasing, I didn't need the second ultrasound. I am allowing my body to take care of things naturally. The bleeding, cramping, and clotting are increasing in intensity. I am just trying to relax, maybe I'll have a glass of wine. I am heartbroken but healing and thankful that I can do this on my own at home and not on an operating table.<br><br>
UPDATE: It is over. I had serious cramping, not like labor or anything, but like a very bad menstrual cramps. I felt something slide out into my underwear. I went in and it looked sort of like a handful of cherry pie filling. I examined it a bit and it is sort of long and thin, tough and fibrous and of course bloody. I didn't know what to do so put it in the toilet. then I felt bad and fished it out and put it in a little box with some tissue. Tomorrow DH and I are going to pick out a nice tree, like a flowering dogwood, plant it and bury the baby beneath it. I feel thankful that it is done. I found out Tuesday that my baby was gone and today my body finished miscarrying and tomorrow we will be done.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
This is not your fault... Can your husband go with you to the next ultrasound?<br><br>
Everything that you are feeling is exactly how I felt. There is something about alone time in the shower or bath that allows the emotion to flow. I think it is looking at your belly and just imagining all that should have been...<br><br>
Know that things will get better. For now if you are able, de-complicate your life. Maybe someone else could help out with the shower tonight? Or, maybe you could stay in the background. I think everyone would understand if you hid in the kitchen?<br><br>
I am so sorry you are having to go through this.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br>
I am so sorry.
 

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I'm very sorry mama...<br><br>
Your story is almost exactly like mine... I had some spotting at 9 wks, went in for serial hcg's which actually looked good and then had the u/s. The tech had no clue what to say but she kept saying "you're much earlier than you thought you were" I "knew" right away that something was wrong. Baby measured 6wk 3 days, with no heartbeat. I did a follow up u/s and everything was exactly the same. I waited it out and eventually had the d&c at 12 wks 1day. I needed to NOT be pregnant anymore and my body showed no signs of actually giving in. I can honestly say though that surgery was not as bad as expected, and when it was done, it was done. I was able to move on...<br><br>
It really is the worst pain ever. I think that the only thing that has helped me is time. Take care of yourself, let yourself grieve for your sweet baby and make decisions the best you can<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I am so, so sorry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> That's exactly how my first miscarriage was, it's so hard... Please, take good care of yourself, do whatever you need to do. Hot baths were my lifesaver as well, I probably spent a week in the tub alltogether.
 

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I am so, so sorry.<br><br>
I know what you mean about being stoic at the dr's office then just losing it. After we found out I was going to m/c, I was very calm until we got to the car. And then I just lost it, too. I spent a lot of time in the shower or bath after that. I still do sometimes.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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i am so sorry you are going through this. i know how painful it is (emotionally, mentally, physically, all of it) to spot and be told bad news like that. I hope you can find peace. i also know how hard it is when you already have a child and your time to yourself is limited, as I have a 3.5 yo dd. they're very much a blessing, but at the same time it's very hard to grieve or just deal with it in general with a child around.
 

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I'm so sorry mama! Having to go to a shower the next day must be incredibly hard. I had nursing finals for 3 days straight following finding out and you know what? I pretended I was still pregnant and when people talked to me about it I just told them all the plans that I had made as though they were still in progress. It was hard, but not having to talk about it made it easier, maybe it would be easier on you to wait until after the shower? Just a suggestion, I know nothing will really make it easy though.<br><br>
For your sweet little baby who is in the company of many sweet babies. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/candle.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Candle">
 

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I'm so sorry. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 
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