This is so hard for me to admit but I am not attracted to my DH. We have been married for 6.5 years and I haven't been overly attracted to him the whole time. I was when we were dating but we had a lot of problems in our marriage for a long time, maybe that influences it. He is an awesome husband other wise - like for example he took yesterday off work because I needed a mental health day (i have severe SAD) and I slept all day while he took care of everything. He is a great dad and a great husband. Our sex life (please don't delete because I said sex) is nil. Basically whenever its been long enough that I feel guilty. That is so horrible I know and I feel so bad for him, he doesn't deserve this. A big part of the problem is he is covered from head to foot in body hair, I do find that weird. He has a little pot belly which reminds me of my dad (yuck!). And he jsut doesn't make any effort to be attractive for me anymore. He only showers every 2-3 days and his hair is all greasy and yuck. His feet stink and he wears ugly clothes around the house. He used to be so respectful but now he will pass gas around me constantly. He apologizes but its really gross. The thing is I can't really confront him about it because I'm not much better. My hair is greasy sometimes and I sit around in pjs all day some days. I am pregnant and grouchy and never wear makeup anymore or get dressed even remotely nice. He is still attracted to me though and tries to come on to me all the time. I am just not attracted to him at all. What should I do?
I'm not attracted to my DH
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that's a tough situation. i don't have lots of advice but experienced similar feelings in my first marriage that ended up in divorce and looking back i wish i would have listened to what my body was telling me about not being attracted to him. maybe there is message there for you mama
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I think it's normal to go through periods like this. I don't think it's normal to have it go on for years. Maybe you should talk to him and suggest going through another "courtship." KWIM? Dress nice, flirt a lot, go out together (if possible--hard w/ kids, I know, but you could rent a movie and have a date night at home.) And don't have sex for a while. It might liven things up a bit. And it might encourage you both to try a little harder to look nicer for each other.
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Sounds like you're having some confusing feelings
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I have heard that when one partner starts to work on themselves (physically and otherwise) the other partner will start to also. Maybe you could try wearing make-up more often ect. You don't even need to do a major overhaul for this to work
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Maybe just decide for the next 2 weeks you will do a couple things to feel more attractive ect. ..Commuicating some stuff in compliments like, "You smell so sexy when you get out of the shower!" I did this with my husband about brushing his teeth...he asked me why I didn't kiss him as much as before and the truth was that before he always chewed gum, brushed ect...And when he would brush his teeth I would make sure to notice and kiss him a lot.
What I think is great is that you are being honest about it by sharing and trying to find a solution!!!
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Those things you wrote are hard things to admit but this maybe a turning point for your relationship! Maybe there are some marriage books out there too that could help.....
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Jen
I have heard that when one partner starts to work on themselves (physically and otherwise) the other partner will start to also. Maybe you could try wearing make-up more often ect. You don't even need to do a major overhaul for this to work
What I think is great is that you are being honest about it by sharing and trying to find a solution!!!
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Body hair: Hmm Grab some cold wax kits and pull a malcom in the middle?
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Heavenly, I could have written your entire post. Down to the body hair, not caring about appearance, belly, everything. We've been married for married for 6 years. Are you sure you're not me?
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I try to be attracted to him, but whenever I feel the least bit amorous and get a little closer, he hasn't shaved or showered and I just think, "yuck." It really annoys me because he will get cleaned up for work but not for me or for being around the house. I'm not really a prize physically, but I do make sure I'm dressed nice, hair done, etc.
I also feel sorry for him though. He is most of the times a good dh and always a great dad. I'm so not physically close to him that sometimes I inadvertantly cringe when he touches me. I'm sure it bothers him that we aren't intimate, like ever, but I have talked about my feelings with him. So I'm kind of at a loss and obviously don't have any fab advice for you.
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I try to be attracted to him, but whenever I feel the least bit amorous and get a little closer, he hasn't shaved or showered and I just think, "yuck." It really annoys me because he will get cleaned up for work but not for me or for being around the house. I'm not really a prize physically, but I do make sure I'm dressed nice, hair done, etc.
I also feel sorry for him though. He is most of the times a good dh and always a great dad. I'm so not physically close to him that sometimes I inadvertantly cringe when he touches me. I'm sure it bothers him that we aren't intimate, like ever, but I have talked about my feelings with him. So I'm kind of at a loss and obviously don't have any fab advice for you.
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Sounds to me like he's a little depressed, too. I have heard it can be considered "contagious".
I would say both of you go to counseling together and make a pact in the hygene department. I have found when I am depressed that doing my hair and putting on my favorite outfit works wonders. I think not doing that stuff can cause depression, too...
I would say both of you go to counseling together and make a pact in the hygene department. I have found when I am depressed that doing my hair and putting on my favorite outfit works wonders. I think not doing that stuff can cause depression, too...
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Maybe he isn't "attracted" to you at all... maybe he just loves you and "coming onto you" is his way of being intimate and being close.
I honestly don't see how you can post this and be guilty of letting yourself go as well. I feel it is unfair to your husband... it's rather hypocritical. Start taking care of yourself, get dressed, take a shower, stop being a grouch, maybe he will follow your lead.
Originally Posted by Heavenly The thing is I can't really confront him about it because I'm not much better. My hair is greasy sometimes and I sit around in pjs all day some days. I am pregnant and grouchy and never wear makeup anymore or get dressed even remotely nice. He is still attracted to me though and tries to come on to me all the time. I am just not attracted to him at all. What should I do? |
I honestly don't see how you can post this and be guilty of letting yourself go as well. I feel it is unfair to your husband... it's rather hypocritical. Start taking care of yourself, get dressed, take a shower, stop being a grouch, maybe he will follow your lead.
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Easier said than done for someone with severe SAD.
I could have written a similar post too, Heavenly. 6.5 years of marriage... problems early on... he's gained weight, both of us are depressed a lot of the time... sex happens when I feel like I've run out of excuses...
I don't have much wisdom, but you're definitely not alone.
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Originally Posted by MrsMoe Start taking care of yourself, get dressed, take a shower, stop being a grouch, maybe he will follow your lead. |
I could have written a similar post too, Heavenly. 6.5 years of marriage... problems early on... he's gained weight, both of us are depressed a lot of the time... sex happens when I feel like I've run out of excuses...
I don't have much wisdom, but you're definitely not alone.
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Maybe he has depression also, so while it may be hard for her to maintain herself, it is likely equally as hard for him. Her post just seemed very unfair to her husband when she is guilty of the very same things.
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Originally Posted by kamilla626 Easier said than done for someone with severe SAD. |
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I don't think we should be too hard on her. Perhaps he does have depression also. I agree that counseling might help. It may be that more open lines of communication will bring them closer together.
Heavenly, I wonder if you made an effort to make yourself more attractive if you would feel more confident and sexy, if that might help some. It may be one of those contagious things too. You might also tell him you think both of you are having some "comfort" issues where neither of you are making the effort to be more attractive and it would help if he'd get into it with you. Perhaps if you were able to take a day to get a massage or facial, get yourself all dolled up, and asked him to do the same or similar and then the two of you go on a date night, it might bring back some sparks.
I have totally BTDT with this.
The gas passing is not cool if it upsets you or grosses you out. Does he know that it makes you irritated and taints your feeling of amory for him? Maybe he'll be more likely to stop. In relationships I've also found that constant flirting and sexual innuendo help to increase the sexual tension.
If you think that attraction is something that you can get back, try to work on it. It isn't only your responsibility, so include him in it. Is there anything else that's going on? Was he hairy or overweight when you too started dating? In long term relationships sometimes doing your best to look as you did at the beginning of dating brings back those crush feelings.
I worry for you both because this is one of those issues that is connected to emotional intimacy. I worry because it is one of those things that spurs affairs. Feeling unattractive to your mate makes you want to seek out someone to validate your attractiveness, and feeling like your mate is unattractive makes you want to find someone you think is.
I don't believe in staying in relationships where things aren't working, but I also beleve strongly in working things out if you can. I think you need to try first before you decide if it can be worked out because attempting to decide from the bottom is difficult and colors your emotions on it.
I hope that helps a bit.
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I understand where you're coming from.
Originally Posted by MrsMoe Maybe he has depression also, so while it may be hard for her to maintain herself, it is likely equally as hard for him. Her post just seemed very unfair to her husband when she is guilty of the very same things.
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Heavenly, I wonder if you made an effort to make yourself more attractive if you would feel more confident and sexy, if that might help some. It may be one of those contagious things too. You might also tell him you think both of you are having some "comfort" issues where neither of you are making the effort to be more attractive and it would help if he'd get into it with you. Perhaps if you were able to take a day to get a massage or facial, get yourself all dolled up, and asked him to do the same or similar and then the two of you go on a date night, it might bring back some sparks.
I have totally BTDT with this.
The gas passing is not cool if it upsets you or grosses you out. Does he know that it makes you irritated and taints your feeling of amory for him? Maybe he'll be more likely to stop. In relationships I've also found that constant flirting and sexual innuendo help to increase the sexual tension.
If you think that attraction is something that you can get back, try to work on it. It isn't only your responsibility, so include him in it. Is there anything else that's going on? Was he hairy or overweight when you too started dating? In long term relationships sometimes doing your best to look as you did at the beginning of dating brings back those crush feelings.
I worry for you both because this is one of those issues that is connected to emotional intimacy. I worry because it is one of those things that spurs affairs. Feeling unattractive to your mate makes you want to seek out someone to validate your attractiveness, and feeling like your mate is unattractive makes you want to find someone you think is.
I don't believe in staying in relationships where things aren't working, but I also beleve strongly in working things out if you can. I think you need to try first before you decide if it can be worked out because attempting to decide from the bottom is difficult and colors your emotions on it.
I hope that helps a bit.
I'm sorry to hear your story but I can relate...some things about my husband have gone downhill over the years. I do actually tell him that I hate passing gas and it's not okay around me, to please go elsewhere when you feel the need. Though my DH showers every single day, he's still smelly at the end of the day and I have definitely mentioned that I like it best when we shower before going to bed...fresh sheets, fresh bodies make for a nice sleep (even if sleep is all we're going to do).
One idea that I have is setting up a fancy date, to some place where you have to dress up and tell him that he needs to gussy up for it. You can even help, by picking out clothing, buying clothing, whatever...suggesting he get a haircut and suggesting what type to get... suggesting he get a professional shave at a barber to prepare.
I find that to get my DH to do things, it is easier to broach the subject by speaking about myself, like:
"I hate it when I'm smelly, so I want to start showering before I go to bed", or
"I'm afraid I haven't been taking good enough care of my teeth and breath, so I've begun brushing my teeth 3 times a day and flossing daily, to keep them healthy...how often do you brush & floss? Perhaps it's time for all of us to go to the dentist again."
"I've been worried that I'm not as healthy as I used to be and have been thinking how nice it would be to get back in shape. I could really use some motivation and companionship, would you join a gym with me, or go on daily bike rides with me?"
SAD sucks, I'm so happy to now live in an area that is sunny most of the time and where even the rain only last a few hours, followed by sun again. Have you tried getting some full spectrum lamps into your environment? (I think Sharper Image has some, for instance)
As for your relationship, sounds like your DH is a great dad and it would be such a shame if you couldn't bring spark back into your life and make the beautiful family that you have last forever... so perhaps having you take the first steps to try to force the spark back in your relationship...things like dates dancing, or taking a ball room dancing class together, riding bikes, doing unexpected things, fun activities that you don't usually do...perhaps a night painting pottery together, or simply "date nights" where you plan to spend the night in bed once a week...perhaps those types of things would help to spice up your life?
Best wishes.
One idea that I have is setting up a fancy date, to some place where you have to dress up and tell him that he needs to gussy up for it. You can even help, by picking out clothing, buying clothing, whatever...suggesting he get a haircut and suggesting what type to get... suggesting he get a professional shave at a barber to prepare.
I find that to get my DH to do things, it is easier to broach the subject by speaking about myself, like:
"I hate it when I'm smelly, so I want to start showering before I go to bed", or
"I'm afraid I haven't been taking good enough care of my teeth and breath, so I've begun brushing my teeth 3 times a day and flossing daily, to keep them healthy...how often do you brush & floss? Perhaps it's time for all of us to go to the dentist again."
"I've been worried that I'm not as healthy as I used to be and have been thinking how nice it would be to get back in shape. I could really use some motivation and companionship, would you join a gym with me, or go on daily bike rides with me?"
SAD sucks, I'm so happy to now live in an area that is sunny most of the time and where even the rain only last a few hours, followed by sun again. Have you tried getting some full spectrum lamps into your environment? (I think Sharper Image has some, for instance)
As for your relationship, sounds like your DH is a great dad and it would be such a shame if you couldn't bring spark back into your life and make the beautiful family that you have last forever... so perhaps having you take the first steps to try to force the spark back in your relationship...things like dates dancing, or taking a ball room dancing class together, riding bikes, doing unexpected things, fun activities that you don't usually do...perhaps a night painting pottery together, or simply "date nights" where you plan to spend the night in bed once a week...perhaps those types of things would help to spice up your life?
Best wishes.
Well, I have been in a similar situation my dh and I have been together for 10 yrs and married for 7 yrs. He is a great parent and a devoted dh. He has trouble focusing on anything that is not right in front of his face, this applies to house projects, sex, romance, and bills. We have talked about this type of stuff over and over and it will get better for a little while then it will fall apart.
Right now, we are in a better place with our relationship and he has worked on physical things like brushing teeth and shaving before kissing me. I think the suggestion of taking care of yourself are good ones. It will do 2 things for the relationship, it will give you more self-esteem and it will motivate him to do the same.
I also, had to work on keeping my heart open to my dh, I found that I had really closed myself off to him because, I had been hurt in the past (him not paying attention to suggestions ect.). I think the best thing I did was to be honest about my feelings and letting myself forgive. I wish your family well.
Right now, we are in a better place with our relationship and he has worked on physical things like brushing teeth and shaving before kissing me. I think the suggestion of taking care of yourself are good ones. It will do 2 things for the relationship, it will give you more self-esteem and it will motivate him to do the same.
I also, had to work on keeping my heart open to my dh, I found that I had really closed myself off to him because, I had been hurt in the past (him not paying attention to suggestions ect.). I think the best thing I did was to be honest about my feelings and letting myself forgive. I wish your family well.
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This is very hard for me. Any suggestions?
Originally Posted by celrae I also, had to work on keeping my heart open to my dh, I found that I had really closed myself off to him because, I had been hurt in the past (him not paying attention to suggestions ect.). |
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So I'm not the only one?! He's so much like a best friend/brother to me...wierd. I love everything about him, even his hairy chest
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He's good looking, but when we started dating he wasn't my "type" and I wasn't attracted to him right away, but he made me laugh constantly so I found myself spending more and more time with him and now we are soul-mates.... but I'm learning that soul-mate doesn't mean sexual attraction will always be at the top of the list. I will take some of the other suggestions to heart.
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I didn't read all of the responses, but I go through periods of not feeling attracted to my DH too. Think about what attracted you to him in the first place. Does he not act/look the same as he used to or it is more that you have changed?
I think you guys need to sit down and have a talk (and don't say "I'm not attracted to you"- that would be crushing!!) it is hard to bring up when you have problems it's better to get it out, as I am sure after 6 years of marraige your hubby is sensitive to you moods and can probably tell something is not right. Tell him you wished he's dress up more for you, and that you don't like him passing gas in front of you, etc...but be prepared for him to tell you what you could do to improve your relationship. If he doesn't ask him what you could do for him! (He doesn't make any effort towards being attractive, but do you?) Take those things to heart, marriage is a two-way street you BOTH need to work at it to make it successful.
All of things you mentioned wouldn't be that hard to fix...get him stinky foot powder, make an appointment for both of you to go to the salon- you get pampered, get him waxed. (Or buy some Nair for him and do it yourself) Buy hims some new clothes. DH loves when I buy and make him clothes... he would rather if I picked out his clothes. Maybe you could both join the YMCA or at least take a long walk 3 times a week. Even if you aren't overweight, exercise is good for you and can be a help with the depression.
There have been some very rough spots for me and DH, only through lots of talking and soul-searching have we gotten through. Sometimes he says things I don't want to hear and vice versa.
LOL and I guess its just us but farting is not a problem.. we both are amused at juvenile potty humor
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I think you guys need to sit down and have a talk (and don't say "I'm not attracted to you"- that would be crushing!!) it is hard to bring up when you have problems it's better to get it out, as I am sure after 6 years of marraige your hubby is sensitive to you moods and can probably tell something is not right. Tell him you wished he's dress up more for you, and that you don't like him passing gas in front of you, etc...but be prepared for him to tell you what you could do to improve your relationship. If he doesn't ask him what you could do for him! (He doesn't make any effort towards being attractive, but do you?) Take those things to heart, marriage is a two-way street you BOTH need to work at it to make it successful.
All of things you mentioned wouldn't be that hard to fix...get him stinky foot powder, make an appointment for both of you to go to the salon- you get pampered, get him waxed. (Or buy some Nair for him and do it yourself) Buy hims some new clothes. DH loves when I buy and make him clothes... he would rather if I picked out his clothes. Maybe you could both join the YMCA or at least take a long walk 3 times a week. Even if you aren't overweight, exercise is good for you and can be a help with the depression.
There have been some very rough spots for me and DH, only through lots of talking and soul-searching have we gotten through. Sometimes he says things I don't want to hear and vice versa.
LOL and I guess its just us but farting is not a problem.. we both are amused at juvenile potty humor
I wonder how your husband would feel about internet strangers discussing purchasing him "stinky foot powder" if he stumbled across this forum? I know I personally would be CRUSHED.
Maybe I am old fashioned, but certian private personal things should not be disclosed about our partners.
Maybe I am old fashioned, but certian private personal things should not be disclosed about our partners.
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Ya know, when I was depressed, I wasn't really attracted to ANYONE. I think, number one, you should work on you. It is very hard to be intimate (in any fashion) when you are depressed. I would also let DH know what was going on . . .and that I am working on it. I wouldn't want him to think I was rejecting him as a person, ya know?
I have to agree with Elena - I went through some health problems that made me depressed all the time, and I didn't feel attractive or able to be intimate as well but unfortunately, I was unable to talk about it with DH for a long time. I think it's important to talk to him about it and see what you can do together.
However, this quote:
"A big part of the problem is he is covered from head to foot in body hair, I do find that weird."
makes me say that you married someone with body hair. Why are you complaining about it 6.5 years later, as if it's something that has developed over the years and you want him to stop. He can't help his body hair (yeah, I know he can shave, but it's something that happens to him without any choice in the matter) and you obviously didn't mind it enough to not marry him, so why is it such a probelm now? It seems like you have other issues that are deeper and you are just looking at the superficial things - perhaps because they seem easier to fix. but it sounds like if he suddenly woke up without body hair, you'd still be having marriage problems (as you alluded to in the beginning of your post but didn't go into specifics about.)
Sounds to me like you are having some issues regarding self care and depression on both of your parts (and I can totally understand that) but that there is a history here and other things going on which are more important.
However, this quote:
"A big part of the problem is he is covered from head to foot in body hair, I do find that weird."
makes me say that you married someone with body hair. Why are you complaining about it 6.5 years later, as if it's something that has developed over the years and you want him to stop. He can't help his body hair (yeah, I know he can shave, but it's something that happens to him without any choice in the matter) and you obviously didn't mind it enough to not marry him, so why is it such a probelm now? It seems like you have other issues that are deeper and you are just looking at the superficial things - perhaps because they seem easier to fix. but it sounds like if he suddenly woke up without body hair, you'd still be having marriage problems (as you alluded to in the beginning of your post but didn't go into specifics about.)
Sounds to me like you are having some issues regarding self care and depression on both of your parts (and I can totally understand that) but that there is a history here and other things going on which are more important.
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