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I'm not feeling confident today

647 Views 14 Replies 8 Participants Last post by  Cherie012
In a nutshell, my story is this:

3 c-sections and then an awesome hospital VBA3C in 2003 in MA. I had (and needed) much support to pull it off and was able to succeed. Needed a few interventions at the very end, but was an incredible birth.

Fast forward to today:

I moved to Richmond area in November and have not been able to secure anything resembling the support I had in MA. I've been looking at all options, including homebirth, but nothing seems to be gelling for me right now. So, I actively wait and constantly pursue any leads that come my way. (You can see some of my other posts for details)

I am now 14 weeks pregnant and have no hope that I will be able to find someone who will truly work with me to have another excellent birth. I feel that I have exhausted every avenue available to me and that nothing is coming down the pike any time soon.

In addition, and probably more importantly, I am losing faith in myself. I'm losing faith in my ability to have another "normal" birth. I do not feel confident in my body's ability to deliver another baby. I'm starting to believe the lies again. I'm starting to believe that maybe I do have a huge risk of UR and that I shouldn't attempt the impossible (even though I accomplished the impossible last time). I keep thinking that maybe I should just schedule a section because then I won't have to fight/argue for my rights, I will have simply relinquished them of my own volition.

Please help me to get out of this stinkin' thinkin'! Help me to get back on the path to the birth I know I want. I pride myself on being able to think outside the box, but right now I feel like I couldn't find my way out of a paper bag!!!
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I just want to let you know that I've felt that way on several occasions during this pregnancy. It's not fun fighting the system.

You know you can do this! Heck, you already did once. Please don't give up hope! Keep looking for a solution. If you truly want this, something will work out. There's still lots of time.

At 29 weeks, I STILL don't know for sure how I'm going to have my VBA4C, I just know that somehow, it'll happen. And it'll happen for you too!
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i saw the title of this thread and was just coming to check on you and not expecting you to be the original poster of this thread...

oh, mama... i wish you were so much closer to me and i could give you a hug in person...

i know it probably already feels like you've been pregnant for a long time, but you are just now entering the second trimester and you still have the whole second and third trimesters to go before birthing.

i'm sure it's so hard, but just keep believing and keep trusting that the right situation will come to you.

lots of love and peace,

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Thanks ladies. I remember feeling like this towards the end last time. I was 8 months along and was wondering what the heck I was thinking when I decided to go for the VBAC. My close friend (a L&D nurse who was able to be a primary support person for me) basically told me that there was no way I was going to string her along for 8 months and then not go through with it.
She helped me to focus and remember WHY I wanted to VBAC and helped me to plan HOW I was going to do it. I just needed a kick in the pants from her to get me out of my rut.

Not so this time. I just am feeling overwhelmed. I wish I could believe that I could pull it off without all the support I had last time. I want to believe that I could UC without any problems, but I'm not wired that way. I really need people to believe in me (a weakness I don't think is going to go away on it's own). She has encouraged me to go for the homebirth despite my reservations about it--especially since my trust level is so low where I'm at now. That, of course, presents it's own issues, but that's another thread. I haven't gotten any guarantees from the only homebirth midwife in the area that she will take me on.

Claudia--I know it's still early, but I also feel like I need to have all my eggs in the right baskets before I can relax about this pregnancy. They're just not falling into place. It's so stressful and I'm sure the babe is feeling my stress which is not good.

Sigh. I'm sure it's all going to work out the way it's supposed to, but I want to have it planned out NOW!!!
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I have been feeling that way during this pregnancy. I briefly considered UC but realized that just isn't me even though i wish it was. I want you to know that i believe that you can do it. I hope that you can find that kind of support from someone close to you.
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Milkydoula--I hope so too. I don't know anyone down here who I could trust to be there because we're so new to the area.

Thanks for the encouragement. A big part of me feels much, much safer staying home, but then there's the question of whether the m/w will attend me. OTOH, if I stay home and need a transfer I will get the "doc in the box" at whatever hospital I land at and who knows what I'd be walking into?

Still feeling my way through it all and completely discouraged right now.
Cristi, I just want to say that you are my hero. All women who have fought against the medical establishment and have won....

You can do it, you've done it before.
Why do you want a VBAC again?
For me it's because my body is built to do it and I owe it to myself and my baby.
Tons of
sent to you.
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I'm tired of fighting--I don't want to do it anymore! I thought that after my VBAC I would have smooth sailing if I wanted another babe, but I guess I was mistaken. I am still incredulous at the response I'm getting. It doesn't make any sense at all.

Maybe I need to take a couple of days off from thinking about the whole thing and regroup. I don't know why I "need" approval from some outside source, but I think that's part of my problem. I feel like I have to prove something, that I have to have someone approve of my plan and come alongside me and agree with me that this is a good decision. No one but me is going to birth this baby, so that shouldn't even be a factor.

Ugh. Feeling depressed right now. No solutions. No support IRL (except you ladies which I APPRECIATE). Feel like I'm falling through the cracks and no one cares. MUST...SNAP...OUT...OF...IT!!!
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cristi, i am sending many feel better vibes to you.......can you feel them?

I wish I could just pop round to your place, bring some tea and chat....
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Cristi- I don't know what to say really (altho there is sooo much I want to say) except to let you know that I am sorry you don't have the support you need/deserve right now. However, please remember that this lack of current IRL support does not have any thing to do with your body and its knowledge of how to give birth.

i know you want to have things rolling now, but in reality there is nothing you need to do right now except take care of yourself and this dear baby. Your baby knew how to make it here to your safe and warm, perfect womb. It knows how to grow... just as it knows how to reach your arms.

Can you spend the next day or two simply listening to the baby and loving it and yourself (which incidentally has nothing to do with cesraeans or VBACS

Many hugs,
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I agree that maybe you need to step back from this for a few days and just enjoy being pregnant. Listen to your baby and just relax.

When you've gathered strength for the next round, you can start worrying about it again.

I'm really sorry that you aren't getting the support IRL that you need. I DO know that I believe in are an inspiration to many of us.
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All of you have touched me deeply. I literally cried when I read some of your posts. Today, two days after the original post I am feeling a little better. I was really surprised to read that I'm an inspiration to some of you because I'm not used to being in that role. It's not comfortable for me, but if my experiences help just one of you, then I guess I will have to become comfortable with it

I made it (very late because I got lost
) to a motherwise birth resources meeting last night not knowing what to expect really. Turns out it's a grassroots movement in Richmond to help NORMAL birth become the norm! One of the midwives that I see in the current practice (my biggest advocate in a sea of naysayers, really) was there as well as two other midwives whom I have spoken with. Both of these had been "fired" from a practice last summer becasuse of "financial reasons".
: One of the two is currently working at a local hospital, the other is working with under-privileged moms teaching them about birth and midwifery. The point of me telling you all of this is that I felt that the meeting was productive and that something was being done about the climate of birth in my area of the country. I feel that I can contribute to the cause in some way and help other moms to know the power and joy of giving birth. By redirecting some of my "woe-is-me" energy, I will be able to help the community at large to some small degree.

I plan on spending some time just gestating and enjoying (ha!) the pregnancy after I make one more call today. I'm planning on calling the homebirth midwife back today to feel her out some more (she hasn't risked me out of a homebirth, but she hasn't risked me IN, either). One of the things she wants to know before making her decision is where my placenta is located. This is 50% of her concern, because she's afraid that I may hemmorage or lose too much blood if it's embedded in my scar tissue. Turns out I had to have a scan at my last m/w visit because they couldn't find a heartbeat. While I was getting the u/s I non-chalantly asked the technician where my placenta was located and she told me that it's high on the back wall--perfect place!
So, after that call today, I will just take some "me time" and hang out with the baby and my other kids.
It's really hard to enjoy the pregancy because 1) I haven't felt well in weeks (was sick with a bad cold, then general malaise since) and 2) this issue isn't resolved. I do know from experience that I can change gears even if I have to do so in my 8th month, but I was really hoping not to have to do that again!

Thank you all--especially if you're still reading my novel
I reallly need all of you to continue to be my support system. And YES!!!! I feel the vibes
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oh my gosh, you are my hero! VBAC after 3 c/s? I had a c/s 6 mos ago and am thinking, "Its ok if I dont have 5 kids. 3 is ok..." (Ive always wanted 5 kids, but hear that c/s limit you...)

But after hearing your story, WOW. VBA3C. You go!

Can I (a non VBACer) suggest? is there anyway that you can move back to MA for a bit? To be with your VBA3C doctor and that great friend? I am seriously thinking of moving to a VBAC friendly place when I have #2.

I know you have 4 kids though, so, thats not really realistic, but I am one of those wierd people that does stuff like that...

I hear that MCV in Richmond is a VBAC friendly place... however, I dont know if they are squimish after 3 c/s (but you already PROVED that you could do it!!!!)

I can offer nothing but a big vote of confidence on my end
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Oh Christi~
I SO feel you.
The climate here SUCKS... I'm about 3 hours away from you, so I bet it is similar. I have heard positive things about richmond and VBAC though, it is supposed to be better than it is here.... Although we all know how that really is...

I waffle from one day to the next of feeling like I *can* do this, to I must be nuts. If there is SO much resistance, there seems like there *should* be a valid reason, but, the reasons IMO are NOT valid at all.

I find inspiration in you, and others in this same position. I was driving myself mad seeking out "approval" from the medical establishment, but know, in the end I will NOT be getting it. I had to ask why it mattered, and what I would do if I don't get thier approval.. The answer for me, is, it doesn't really matter who is on the catching end, and I don't really care what they think. I am an intelligent woman who has weighed out the pro's and cons and have come to the decision of what is best for me and *my* family, and I will stay my course. "they" are in a position of power, and that is why I think I sought out thier approval. In reality though, they participate in a very, VERY miniscule part of my life~they are backup, IMO, in case something actually DID go wrong. Had I not been in the position I was in last time, I would probably do this at home, alone.
They have no right to exert power over me and my decision in a natural birth~ it is, what is right for me and my family. For me to submit to a C because they say I must would hinder my relationship with myself, my DH, and my child.

I guess the reason I state my feelings is in hopes that it will help another. It's not an easy fight, swimming upstream never is. But, the swim makes us stronger in the long run.
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