Is he an only child? My DH can be very similar to what you have described. It can be really hard! Sorry, I don't have great advice for you, i wish I did.
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Give it some time if you can. You must be really stressed and tired with a new babe and that can maginify things in a negative way. I know it can be so hard sometimes--my dh can be very emotional and not communicative about things until they blow up
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But don't make any rash decisions until you are really sure.
And I suppose what it comes down to (to quote Dear Abby
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) is that you have to ask yourself the question whether you and kids would be better off with him or without him.
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And I suppose what it comes down to (to quote Dear Abby
I am so sorry that you are dealing with the marriage stress on top of the normal post partum craziness. Based on what you have said, it seems that your DH actually has some serious self-esteem issues that manifest themselves in the demeaning way that he communicates with you. I suggest that you make a counseling appointment for yourself first in order to sort out what you can live with and what needs to change. Then, make a couples appointment for you and DH. My hope is that, through counseling, your DH will begin to see that his belittling behavior has caused you to turn from him and that he needs to treat you with the respect and caring you deserve.
Good luck, and many positive thoughts coming your way.
I woke up one day and realized I was unhappy in my marriage and that I didn't love my dh anymore. It took about 4 years for me to act on it. Better late than never. But I also gave it that chance to work. Follow your heart.
Meg
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Meg
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Mamas, thanks for your support. A&A, I just assumed that you didn't read my post all that carefully. While having a baby certainly has made our lives more chaotic, I posted that we were having marital problems even during our first year of marriage - these are long-standing issues.
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Oh, and my babe sleeps through the night, so I'm not all that sleep-deprived.
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Dh and I ended up talking, and while I won't hold out hope that the discussion magically solved all of our problems, I think it helped dh realize that he's very controlling without intending to be. Since he automatically assumes he's "right" it makes him question all of my decisions, so that means he feels the need to be involved in *every* decision I make, even things that don't concern him. He was actually pretty shocked at himself. And he actually seemed to understand why I wouldn't be in love with someone like that.
anniej, you've touched on something I've been wondering about...is it ok to love your partner, but not be "in love" with them? I hope that at some point I'll feel "in love" with dh again, but we are definately connected by a thread of love even though we're having problems.
But yes, as many of you suggested, now is not the time to make a final decision. I think I'll do some work on my own (maybe call a counselor for me, as suggested) and get my head straight. I don't think my children and I would be better off with dh in the long run, but it's difficult to stay sometimes with someone who makes you feel small.
thanks
Dh and I ended up talking, and while I won't hold out hope that the discussion magically solved all of our problems, I think it helped dh realize that he's very controlling without intending to be. Since he automatically assumes he's "right" it makes him question all of my decisions, so that means he feels the need to be involved in *every* decision I make, even things that don't concern him. He was actually pretty shocked at himself. And he actually seemed to understand why I wouldn't be in love with someone like that.
anniej, you've touched on something I've been wondering about...is it ok to love your partner, but not be "in love" with them? I hope that at some point I'll feel "in love" with dh again, but we are definately connected by a thread of love even though we're having problems.
But yes, as many of you suggested, now is not the time to make a final decision. I think I'll do some work on my own (maybe call a counselor for me, as suggested) and get my head straight. I don't think my children and I would be better off with dh in the long run, but it's difficult to stay sometimes with someone who makes you feel small.
thanks
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In my own humble experience, it is very difficult to feel "in love" with someone who is critical and disrespectful of you . . . who makes you feel "small."
It isn't divorce that damages children -- it's the inability to maturely deal with conflict that does the damage. Staying in a relationship in which you are unhappy teaches your children to do the same. It takes a lot of courage to be able to say, "Enough. It's time to move on."
That said, is there anything remaining of the man you did fall in love with? What did you love about him in the first place? If you met him now, do you think you'd still be interested in him?
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to you and your family. All the best . . .
It isn't divorce that damages children -- it's the inability to maturely deal with conflict that does the damage. Staying in a relationship in which you are unhappy teaches your children to do the same. It takes a lot of courage to be able to say, "Enough. It's time to move on."
That said, is there anything remaining of the man you did fall in love with? What did you love about him in the first place? If you met him now, do you think you'd still be interested in him?
Your husband sounds like my father...
He loves my mom. He really does. I don't think he would know what to do without her. But he is arrogant, has an opinion on everything, no ability to empathize, constantly belittles everyone around him, assumes the worst about every situation - believes everything that goes less than perfectly for him is because of someone else's malicious intent - and is, in general, very unpleasant to be around.
(He's also a great dad, smart man, caring in his own way, blah, blah - no one's all one thing or another, and I don't hate him, but he is, to put it simply, difficult.)
It was very painful growing up around him - not because he didn't love me or because he hurt me on purpose (he did and he didn't, respectively), but because his, for want of a better word, energy is so prickly and hurtful and painful to be around. He's like a toddler - not a happy, attached, well-adjusted toddler, but a neglected, CIO'd, unloved toddler.
He's been diagnosed as having schitzoaffective disorder, and possibly Aspergers. That is, there's a reason he's so screwed up. Is this possibly true for your husband also?
I offer this not as an excuse for him, but as a possible avenue to explore that would offer him a chance at real change, whether or not you ultimately decide to continue living with him.
Just wanted to put that out there.
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He loves my mom. He really does. I don't think he would know what to do without her. But he is arrogant, has an opinion on everything, no ability to empathize, constantly belittles everyone around him, assumes the worst about every situation - believes everything that goes less than perfectly for him is because of someone else's malicious intent - and is, in general, very unpleasant to be around.
(He's also a great dad, smart man, caring in his own way, blah, blah - no one's all one thing or another, and I don't hate him, but he is, to put it simply, difficult.)
It was very painful growing up around him - not because he didn't love me or because he hurt me on purpose (he did and he didn't, respectively), but because his, for want of a better word, energy is so prickly and hurtful and painful to be around. He's like a toddler - not a happy, attached, well-adjusted toddler, but a neglected, CIO'd, unloved toddler.
He's been diagnosed as having schitzoaffective disorder, and possibly Aspergers. That is, there's a reason he's so screwed up. Is this possibly true for your husband also?
I offer this not as an excuse for him, but as a possible avenue to explore that would offer him a chance at real change, whether or not you ultimately decide to continue living with him.
Just wanted to put that out there.
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