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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
by posting this...feedback? advice? btdt? I don't know. I do know that I lurk here in single parenting to get some perspective.

I think the end of my marriage is inevitable. I don't have serious issues with dh - he is not abusive, there are no drug/alcohol issues, etc., but he is apathetic about everything...our marriage, our house, our daughter, our finances, our life. He wants a mother-figure to tell him what to do & I'm really starting not to like the person he is. I don't want to live like this anymore. I feel I deserve better & I don't want to model settling for less for my daughter. We have been in counseling for about 9 months (this is our second round) & I see very little improvement.

I'm scared of being a single parent. There, I said it.

I don't think it will be easy, but I do think it will be easier to do things on my own where I know I have a clear goal of what I want, instead of convincing him to be interested in our life and not dealing with his mixed messages & passive-aggressive way of dealing with conflict.

I was/am a teacher so I'm not worried about finding a job, but it's more of I don't want to be apart from my child. I love being home with her, but is it worth it to stay in a bad marriage. I'd have to give up any ideas of home-schooling as well.

I don't manage well when there are a lot of things going on & am not very good at juggling so I don't know how I would manage work & caring for my daugher & doing all the things I want to do with her. I *know* it can be done but is it worth it. What is the cost to dd and to me as well?

Dh would probably be involved so I worry about the impact on dd - dh not sleeping here anymore, only seeing him on a limited basis, not wanting dd to blame herself for our situation, what if we separate & get back together, not wanting him to manipulate her. I know this is projecting, but how do you not?

Thank you if you read this far. I'm feeling really stuck & I'm scared to move forward and don't think I can stay where I am.
 

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I really don't have any advice but I did want to say that I know how you are feeling. I've been there. It's hard to make those kind of descisions. Just follow your heart. Good luck with whatever you decide.
 

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The questions you have can really only be answered by you.

What I have found to be common, though, is that the place you are in now of indecision & confusion tends to be more scary than when you actually make a decision and start to act on it. We tend to envision things more horrible and difficult than they end up being. Single parenting is tough, yet most days are great.

Make sure you keep the door open to many different options. Maybe you could job share with another teacher, work part-time, substitute or something that could give you more opportunity to be with your chid until she's older. Maybe there are other ways you could work from home or something. Also, you don't necessarily have to give up the idea of homeschooling. I am currently homeschooling & it's great. I know there's a few other single moms here who are homeschooling too.

Thinking seems to be scarier than action. When you follow your heart to whatever decision you make, you will find it gets easier simply because your energy is moving forward instead of being stuck in a swirling vortex of uncertainty & indecision.

Good luck with whatever choices you make.
 

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gwen, a 18 months ago i would have been writing ur post except that it was my husband who wanted out. it was devastating for me. my dd is 4 months younger than urs. my husband refused any counselling and instead started leading his own life when i was preggo. finally when dd was 15 months old i asked him to leave seriously (i had been asking before but he would talk me in). all i knew no matter how hard it was i did not want my dd to get used to having daddy around and getting the wrong values of what a relationship should be. we parted at 18 months. i was able to survive another 6 months on my own before i had to find a full time job.

i was completely devastated by my separation from my dd. seriously that is the saddest thing that has happened to me. both my dd and i are coping - dealing with it but we both wish it was different.

like LJ said when u r in the throes of it u find all these reasons to stay. for me and my dd separating was the best decision for both of us. she was free of the stress and so was i. till it actually happened i had no idea what being free really meant. i still missed my husband but gosh!! i was free of all the tears and heart wrenching pain that exists when u r living it.

i wont promise u it hasnt been hard. but is so exhilerating. like my mom always said. forget ur child. take care of urself first. u r ur childs primary caretaker. youve got to be well and happy to raise ur child well. for my dd her ideal situation would be to have daddy and mommy together, but she is still happy with mommy. i have been with her 80% of the time since she was born so she doesnt want her daddy that bad. if it works out ok maybe u can have ur dd spend some nights with ur dh.

but u need to move forward. it is not fair for ur dh too. he i am sure is aware of the writing on the wall but am sure like me doesnt want it that way. but u need to move on and take a break. maybe while separated u might find later u might want to get back together or that u really want no longer to be together.

till u settle down and find a place for u and ur dd in ur soul where both of u are happy with how things are it will be hard, really hard. but v. satisfying at the same time.

and i've always felt its better to part when teh children are younger than older.

i know how scary it can be. it took me almost a year to finally put my foot down. and today i kick myself for that. i feel i spent so much of my time wasted when i could have been building something better for my dd and me. my husband wanted us to stay and work it out. dont know how. i guess he wanted me to do all the work while he figured out what to do. but i wanted us to separate to work things out. and my way was of course in my opinion a healthier way for my dd.

i really like LJ's line - moving forward with courage. that is what it is all about. having courage to believe in ur self and move forward.

for me a happy marriage is prefereable to single life. but single life is definitely better than a failed marriage.

you will have no problems juggling both worlds. for a while it will take time to get used to. and u will have a dirtier house htan u like but on teh whole u will do well.

if u and ur husband are understanding and civil then there is no reason ur dd should suffer. yes seh will take time to get used to it but she will do ok. children are really v. resilient.
 

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I agree with the other moms. Do what you feel in your heart is right for you and your little one. She will adjust and if done right, she can have the best of both worlds. Being a single mom is tough at times but I would not go back & change it for all the money in the world. Talk with her about what is going on (age appropriately) & validate her feelings. Try not to have her hear the grownup stuff that is between you and her dad. You sound like you are very tuned in to doing what is right for both yourself and your daughter. Good luck and keep us informed...
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thank you all so much for responding.

I'm feeling very conflicted right now & it is so hard to sort out what to do. I'm seeing our therapist on my own as well as with dh because I do have my own issues to work on but I hate feeling like I'm the only one who wants to improve things.

I do think separating would be better sooner rather than later for the sake of dd, but I guess I'm also scared of making the wrong choice. Most days with dd are wonderful...today we went to the playground down the street, leisurely walked the dog, we knit together for a little bit (okay, she just wraps the yarn around her fingers & calls it knitting
) & now she is napping while I'm on MDC. These are days that I don't want to give up & would have to if I go back to work. I'm trying to savor them now in case that is what happens.

I know I need to find the answers for myself, but it helps to have a place to express my feelings & just get some support & feedback. Thank you mamas!
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by bu's mama
I don't think it will be easy, but I do think it will be easier to do things on my own where I know I have a clear goal of what I want, instead of convincing him to be interested in our life and not dealing with his mixed messages & passive-aggressive way of dealing with conflict.

You're right: It's not easy. But my experience has been that it is absolutely easier than staying in a failing marriage. Your situation actually sounds a lot like mine did... our lives (all of ours) have been infinitely better since we split up.

It's scary, I know. I also gave up any dreams I had of homeschooling. I'm in school now and am facing full-time work by this time next year, just before my son goes into kindergarten. I hate facing sending him to school and not necessarily being there for him every second he might need me. But there's no tension in our home now. I think that makes up for a lot.

Change is frightening and we have a tendency to see the unknown as worse when, in fact, it might be every bit as good or better, just in a different way.

 

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Being a single mom is hard, but not as hard as living in an unhappy marriage. And homeschooling is not an impossibility... I'm moving to a poor area with cheap everything, to make child support stretch that much further. I work part-time in a gym daycare and take the kids with me. I do mystery shopping. I barter for goods and services when possible. I am incredibly thrifty. It can be done, and to me it is worth it.
 

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I am relatively new to the single mom things but I have to second everyone else in that we are all so much better on our own. My kids were doing some stress related activities before and since I left my husband the activities went away and they seem so much lighter, and so do I . There are days when it is tiring, but now I can make all the decisions and I don't have to cater to my third child, the 32 year old one. I do feel that the decision part was way scarier than when I actually made the final decision and then started making choices. Now I get to decide how to live my life and it is so freeing. My kids are going to go to preschool 3 days a week and I found a place I love and it feels like an extension of me, so I am excited for it. I feel more balanced and free and I can tell my kids are happier as well.
 
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