[heatherdeg]

Long story short, we had ffd for the first 9-1/2mo of her life and then bm had her the following 10mo... during which time she got a DUI and left our state thinking she'd avoid the 6mo jail time attached to that (they vacated the jail time, but we all just found that out literally on Monday).

But they removed ffd from her mom again almost 3 weeks ago. After the show cause hearing Tuesday, the cw down there called and told us that "if we wanted to intervene, the next court date is 4/21".

We had written a letter to the court but nobody would talk to us. And the cw didn't divulge anything confidential and therefore couldn't really say anything more. I spoke to the cw here who also can't really tell me much, but also said "I think it would be wise for you to intervene". Again, I don't know why they're saying this because they really shouldn't even be saying THIS much.

I get referred to a really good lawyer who says we DO have standing, but wasn't sure it was worthwhile. She proceeds to do some digging and says "Yes, we're going to intervene". Of course, this is a very short conversation. I start to ask her if she saw enough in the public records to warrant doing this and she actually cut me off (I know she's a lawyer, but she had absolutely not been "one of those" during our prior calls) and said "Absolutely". Again, she couldn't make any promises because it's up to a judge; but she thought it had merit.

We've actually had a good relationship with the bm. We've kept in contact with her only up until as recently as her show cause hearing on Tuesday. In fact, I thought she had cut contact because she found out about our letter. She called this morning after the cw told her we would be intervening and was livid--ending the call with "You'll NEVER get my daughter".

So my stomach is absolutely in knots. Dh agrees that we really need to at least take the chance and TRY to help ffd have a stable life. No matter what bm does or says in the heat of anger, we'd never let her NOT know her daughter--even if it's only through photos and letters. And we'd never let her daughter think bad of her mother--just that she had problems that were incredibly difficult to overcome.

On one hand, I feel horrible that bm isn't being given ANOTHER chance because I feel like EVENTUALLY she MAY get it right. By the same token, that could take years where ffd is in and out of foster care... and that's not right. And who knows--the next time bm relapses with ffd in her custody, who knows what could happen to either of them. (do you hear me rationalizing this to myself?)

Okay... thanks for letting me get it out.

 

[Sierra]

I am confused. Where I am from, foster parents aren't "party to the case" (except in kinship care cases). The state "intervenes," relatives "intervene," but not foster parents. I can't remember. Are you related to this kid?

 

[heatherdeg]

I'm not related. I'm the FORMER foster parent; but apparently the law is that we qualify to intervene based on "past substantial contact". We are NOT party to the case. We got an awful lot of information from the bm and the biofamily. And when we called that state's CPS, we insisted that we didn't want to GET information--just a place to send our letter of information to GIVE to the judge (and they did call back and tell us where to fax it to).

I'm not sure if that letter and the fact that we are listed in the CPS records sent from here (identifying us as former fps) is what made them call after the hearing to tell us the next court date "in case we wanted to intervene". They haven't given us any information, really; although the cw and I have had a few conversations where she was looking for information on the baby and I've given it to her. She did tell me that our information would be passed to the new fps (per their request) and the CASA.

Same with the cw here. I called to ask her if the info from our state was sent and she called back to tell me what had gone (which isn't really confidential) and beyond that, all she said was "If you can, I think you should intervene". When I went through my misgivings about it, she clammed up and reminded me that neither state could really talk to me about the case.

Where ffd is, apparently way more gets on public record than here. Our lawyer finally accessed the public record and whatever she saw there made her feel that we have a case. I'm still nervous about it.

 

[alicia622]

I think it's worth trying. When DS was our foster child, we tried very hard to get intervenor status but were not successful. There were 3 levels of participation we could have had- I think they are interested party, participant and intervenor. Had we had the latter we would have been able to have access to records and call witnesses- present information to the court. We were not granted this although I made requests a couple of times. We had the mid-level which I think they automatically grant to foster parents-so we could be in court and answer questions. I really wanted the records because I was positive there was something there that was being overlooked- plus I was nosy and wanted to know the history

:

Anyway, it won't hurt to try and even if the mother is pissed right now, too bad. Your getting intervenor status won't alter what she needs to do.

 

[Smithie]

"She called this morning after the cw told her we would be intervening and was livid--ending the call with "You'll NEVER get my daughter"."

That is terrifying. I gather from your posts that she does not have your ffd in her possession right now, so I guess it's an empty threat at this point - but make no mistake, that statement is a threat against your life or ffd's life.

I agree that there's nothing else you can do but intervene in the hope of helping your ffd have the best possible life. I really hope that the sw conatcted you because she has decided to pursue TPR and sees you as the potential adoptive family.

 

[heatherdeg]

No, ffd is not currently in bm's custody. They are both 1500 miles away--they moved in late Jan. (upon eviction

)

The lawyer wants us to intervene to get custody of her right now. Since we're actively licensed for both foster and adoption, she said it will be much easier--but a hell of a time because it's interstate.

And although this is a failed RU, it SOUNDS like it's a failed RU of MY state's plan vs. THAT state's plan--and so they're obligated to give bm a plan? That just sounds ridiculous. Of course, nobody's actually SAID that--but that's what it sounds like.

Yeah... we'll see.

 

[SundayCrepes]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smithie "She called this morning after the cw told her we would be intervening and was livid--ending the call with "You'll NEVER get my daughter"." That is terrifying. I gather from your posts that she does not have your ffd in her possession right now, so I guess it's an empty threat at this point - but make no mistake, that statement is a threat against your life or ffd's life.

How do you get a threat against life out of that? To me it sounds more like someone who plans to keep their child.

 

[Smithie]

She doesn't get to make that decision, and she knows it. People who say "never" over the fate of other people are making a threat of drastic and illegitimate action.

You'll never leave me... (I'd kill you first)
You'll never get the kids... (I'd kill them or snatch them first)

Empty threats, almost always. But very scary to be on the receiving end of. People are not things, they cannot be owned, and to be dealing with somebody who considers themselves the absolute arbiter of a child's (or a partner's) fate must be really, really horrifying.

 

[heatherdeg]

Well, she is kinda scary if you're on her bad side. She tends not to realize that her actions have consequences; and can't manage to control her anger. So hearing something like that from her IS actually concerning. She IS very much the type that would go to the foster home and TAKE her child and run (although ffd was moved today to a home that bm doesn't know the address of).

It's concerning that if we DO get custody or to adopt and she doesn't come around to seeing it as a necessary thing, we will have to move at some point. She knows where we live. And even if she eventually came around, it may take a few years.

Of course, we may go to court week after next and walk away unable to do anything--in which case, game over and nothing to worry about from bm.

 

[caro113]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Smithie She doesn't get to make that decision, and she knows it. People who say "never" over the fate of other people are making a threat of drastic and illegitimate action. You'll never leave me... (I'd kill you first) You'll never get the kids... (I'd kill them or snatch them first) Empty threats, almost always. But very scary to be on the receiving end of. People are not things, they cannot be owned, and to be dealing with somebody who considers themselves the absolute arbiter of a child's (or a partner's) fate must be really, really horrifying.

Exactly. That was my first thought as well. They always say "You'll never get the kids" .. meaning they will kill the kids first. Of course that's usually to the other parent, but yea.

OP I hope it works out for you and your ffd. She really needs someone stable right now and you are obviously the best choice since you had her for the beginning of her life and obviously bonded. Good Luck!

 

[Whistler]

Yikes! Kudos for trying to help your FFD and I hope it all works out... whether she comes back to you or whether her Bmom gets things sorted out. Let us know how things work out.