[Ann-Marita]

I've posted an update, post number 30. DH won't sign a note acknowledging that he borrowed my inheritance to buy himself a truck. And now here's the original post:

Would you move out until the situation is changed for the better, kick him out, or hire someone else? This is long, and I'm crying as I type.

My DH has been remodeling this house for the last 9.5 years. I haven't had a complete kitchen in almost a decade. There isn't a real floor in the kitchen at this time - just concrete and bare wood (which gets wet, not good for the wood, and hard to clean up). We have five different counter surfaces, and four different cabinets (some are just placed, not actually attached to anything). The handle on the sink faucet comes off if you turn it on wrong. You get the picture.

My DH is a remodeling contractor! He does beautiful work for everyone else. But for our house, for me, he does half-a$$ed, "it'll do" work. And takes forever at it.

My MIL said to be last winter, "The cobbler's children have no shoes," referring to DH's lack of work on the house. But at some point, doesn't the cobbler's wife get to say, "ENOUGH" and demand shoes?!

DH has been doing a little bit here and there. We finally got tile over the bare concrete in the entry. And he worked a lot on the fence today (so did I). So when I get upset about the state the house is in, he can say "Well, I did this recently." But usually it's something small. And he was a grouch all day today because he had to work on the fence (the neighbors forced this issue - I had been asking him for a month to do the work, to no avail).

I have told him many times how much I NEED for him to finish this ^%@$^ house. I've tried everything I can think of, short of the options listed at the top of this post. I feel like my needs are just not important to him.

About a week ago, I told DH that at some point his work on this house is going to be too little, too late, and our relationship will have already been irreparably damaged. I may have already passed that point, I don't know. I know that I do not respect him the way I once did.

Just for some background information, I currently work very part time (but I'm off this summer), I do volunteer work, and I homeschool our DD.

So, besides continuing to put up with this situation, I see that I have three options:

1) I could get a full time job, get an apartment, move out and tell him that DD and I will be back when the work is done. There are some challenges with this, besides actually finding the job and apartment. We have a large number of pets and foster animals (I do pet rescue), and I am completely responsible for all of them - DH does virtually nothing. They could not come with me to an apartment. So I would have to at least stop by the house on a daily basis to provide food, water, attention and medication (two of the pets are quite old and frequently need medicine). Plus, if the "moved out" period lasts more than this summer, we (DD and I) would be faced with the decision to put her in public school (the local school is not good - smoking in the elementary bath rooms, and DD does not want to go to school - she and I love homeschooling), or try to somehow continue to home school after my work hours.

2) I could tell DH to move out until the work is done. One big, glaring problem with this is: if he didn't do the work while living here, what makes me expect him to do it if he's NOT living here?! And I'd probably still have to go to work to pay for an apartment for him, and deal with the whole "Can we still home school" issue come fall.

3) I could hire another contractor (other than my contractor DH) to finish the job. We'd have to come up with the money to pay someone else to do what my DH does for a living (which probably means me getting a job and dealing with the home schooling question again). And it would be very insulting to my DH's ego to have someone else step in and finish his job, plus fix the things he did poorly.

Can anyone see any other options?

I'm just so depressed. I have been for so long. I don't sleep well - have trouble falling asleep, and then, if I actually get to sleep at a decent hour, I wake up hours before I should and can't fall back asleep. I've been unintentionally losing weight for the last month, I've just been under such stress that I'm not eating well.

About a week ago, I actually packed a bag for about a 5 day trip, and looked at a map choosing my route and approximate destination. I was going to take DD with me, of course. What kept me in town was that my DD had a dance recital that she had been working towards for months, and I had to work that recital. Oh, and I have these sweet animals that depend on me.

I'm going to go to counseling. I can't afford a "real" counselor, so I'm going to this place that has Masters level students, who are getting their counseling degree soon, doing a practicum semester. I will call tomorrow (Monday) and see if they still have an opening, starting next week. That seems like forever until they can see me.

Please understand that in many ways, my DH is a good husband and father. He doesn't cheat on me, or drink, or go out carousing with the guys. He can be thoughtful and caring. And he does do really good remodeling work for other people - really nice results. I do love him. DD adores him. She also understands how very stressful this situation is for me and has told me that if it came to divorce, she would choose to live with me.

A divorce from him would be very, very nasty. He's mean when he's angry. He would fight me tooth and nail over custody of DD, and he would be mean. Even if it hurt DD.

I don't know what to do! All the options seem bad. I feel so trapped. I never thought I would be in this position. I'm so depressed, so beaten down, that I can't even visualize anyone hiring me in my former field (the computer field has changed so much in the last 10 years since I quit to have DD).

Well, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. I think I'll go take a nice warm bath and try to get some sleep.

 

[AngelBee]

I grew up like this....my dad is a plumber....all of our faucets leaked! And all of his "construction buddies" never finished the work they were suppose to do. I know how difficult this is.

It did cause my mom to file for divorce after 16 years of living like that.

I hope he makes it right.

 

[cappuccinosmom]

I actually think the 3rd option is a pretty good idea. It's just money that's the issue. But it might be the thing that opens your dh's eyes.

Could you hire a contractor to do it as you have the money?--it would still be piecemeal, but at least you'd know you'd have it done. Perhaps tell your dh that since he seems to be too busy

to take care of things at home, you'll be budgeting for a contractor to finish the work, so he'll be missing out on dinner-and-a-movie or whatever else he likes to do for fun that costs money. :LOL

I would never leave over something like this. Boundaries/consequences for sure. But if he's a good man and this is just one issue with him, I'd work on the issue rather than give up. Good men are hard to find.

 

[kiahnsmum]

My dh is a builder so i know what you mean.
What makes you think that getting the things fixed wi ll change your relationship?
I think you should get someone else to do the job, maybe if you start with a few small things so its not too costly then dh might get the picture and get on with it.
Maybe you could suggest to dh that you guys could move somewhere else since he doesnt seem to have the time to do the house.
Happy mom happy child is what i say so go with what your heart is telling you.

 

[magster]

Why not simply sell the unfinished house you live in? Use the procedings to buy something small AND FINISHED or rent something.

 

[Potty Diva]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ann-Marita Would you move out until the situation is changed for the better, kick him out, or hire someone else? This is long, and I'm crying as I type. My DH has been remodeling this house for the last 9.5 years. I haven't had a complete kitchen in almost a decade. There isn't a real floor in the kitchen at this time - just concrete and bare wood (which gets wet, not good for the wood, and hard to clean up). We have five different counter surfaces, and four different cabinets (some are just placed, not actually attached to anything). The handle on the sink faucet comes off if you turn it on wrong. You get the picture. My DH is a remodeling contractor! He does beautiful work for everyone else. But for our house, for me, he does half-a$$ed, "it'll do" work. And takes forever at it. My MIL said to be last winter, "The cobbler's children have no shoes," referring to DH's lack of work on the house. But at some point, doesn't the cobbler's wife get to say, "ENOUGH" and demand shoes?! DH has been doing a little bit here and there. We finally got tile over the bare concrete in the entry. And he worked a lot on the fence today (so did I). So when I get upset about the state the house is in, he can say "Well, I did this recently." But usually it's something small. And he was a grouch all day today because he had to work on the fence (the neighbors forced this issue - I had been asking him for a month to do the work, to no avail). I have told him many times how much I NEED for him to finish this ^%@$^ house. I've tried everything I can think of, short of the options listed at the top of this post. I feel like my needs are just not important to him. About a week ago, I told DH that at some point his work on this house is going to be too little, too late, and our relationship will have already been irreparably damaged. I may have already passed that point, I don't know. I know that I do not respect him the way I once did. Just for some background information, I currently work very part time (but I'm off this summer), I do volunteer work, and I homeschool our DD. So, besides continuing to put up with this situation, I see that I have three options: 1) I could get a full time job, get an apartment, move out and tell him that DD and I will be back when the work is done. There are some challenges with this, besides actually finding the job and apartment. We have a large number of pets and foster animals (I do pet rescue), and I am completely responsible for all of them - DH does virtually nothing. They could not come with me to an apartment. So I would have to at least stop by the house on a daily basis to provide food, water, attention and medication (two of the pets are quite old and frequently need medicine). Plus, if the "moved out" period lasts more than this summer, we (DD and I) would be faced with the decision to put her in public school (the local school is not good - smoking in the elementary bath rooms, and DD does not want to go to school - she and I love homeschooling), or try to somehow continue to home school after my work hours. 2) I could tell DH to move out until the work is done. One big, glaring problem with this is: if he didn't do the work while living here, what makes me expect him to do it if he's NOT living here?! And I'd probably still have to go to work to pay for an apartment for him, and deal with the whole "Can we still home school" issue come fall. 3) I could hire another contractor (other than my contractor DH) to finish the job. We'd have to come up with the money to pay someone else to do what my DH does for a living (which probably means me getting a job and dealing with the home schooling question again). And it would be very insulting to my DH's ego to have someone else step in and finish his job, plus fix the things he did poorly. Can anyone see any other options? I'm just so depressed. I have been for so long. I don't sleep well - have trouble falling asleep, and then, if I actually get to sleep at a decent hour, I wake up hours before I should and can't fall back asleep. I've been unintentionally losing weight for the last month, I've just been under such stress that I'm not eating well. About a week ago, I actually packed a bag for about a 5 day trip, and looked at a map choosing my route and approximate destination. I was going to take DD with me, of course. What kept me in town was that my DD had a dance recital that she had been working towards for months, and I had to work that recital. Oh, and I have these sweet animals that depend on me. I'm going to go to counseling. I can't afford a "real" counselor, so I'm going to this place that has Masters level students, who are getting their counseling degree soon, doing a practicum semester. I will call tomorrow (Monday) and see if they still have an opening, starting next week. That seems like forever until they can see me. Please understand that in many ways, my DH is a good husband and father. He doesn't cheat on me, or drink, or go out carousing with the guys. He can be thoughtful and caring. And he does do really good remodeling work for other people - really nice results. I do love him. DD adores him. She also understands how very stressful this situation is for me and has told me that if it came to divorce, she would choose to live with me. A divorce from him would be very, very nasty. He's mean when he's angry. He would fight me tooth and nail over custody of DD, and he would be mean. Even if it hurt DD. I don't know what to do! All the options seem bad. I feel so trapped. I never thought I would be in this position. I'm so depressed, so beaten down, that I can't even visualize anyone hiring me in my former field (the computer field has changed so much in the last 10 years since I quit to have DD). Well, if you made it this far, thanks for reading. I think I'll go take a nice warm bath and try to get some sleep.

I'm sorry you are feeling so frustrated.
If it were me though I would take the situation into my own hands and start doing the work myself. I have learned several house repair tricks on the internet. I have replaced a sink, the faucets, put down linolium AND carpet all by myself while DH worked.

I would grab at the chance to do something like that. Does your Dh work full time? I know after I work all day cleaning up messes the last thing I want to do is clean up another mess. I imagine it is like this with other professions as well.

I can only imagine that 10 years of an unfinished house would wear me thin to. Good luck to you and your family.

 

[Arduinna]

I would hire someone to do the work.

I'm sorry your dealing with this.

 

[plantmommy]

Hire someone, and if you need to cut corners to afford it, make sure you cut HIS corners. Like, he's the one who goes without new socks, for example.

 

[KalamazooMom]

I like the idea of selling the house as is. Or at least tell him that's what you'd like to do. Call a realtor and have them come give you an appraisal so he knows your serious.

Other than that I would hire a contractor. Maybe just have them do one thing, like the kitchen floor. That might "motivate" your DH to do something since he will undoubtedly find fault with the work that person does.

 

[carole3]

Just wanted to give you a

, I am in the same situation except my it is the bedroom. Going on 8 years. We are sleeping on a sofa bed. I have yelled, cried, inform him that my how I think about him has changed due to the bedroom. I use to think he would move the earth for me.
Oh if I hired a third party to finished the work. It will be wwIII.

Carole

 

[RedPony]

I also agree with the two posters who suggested selling your current house. Light a fire under that man! It would totally make me unhappy as well.

Sorry you're going through this!

OT - KZooMom, I'm in your neck of the woods!

 

[alaska]

could you take some of the emotion out of the situation? sit down with him and without any drama just point-blank say it's no longer an option to live in the half-built house and say you've come up with a few options for dealing with the house-situation and want his input about how to proceed..... hire someone to finish the work, or sell as-is. Which does he think would be the best way to proceed?

Do you think that if he were removed from the equation, and if you were no longer presenting it as an emotional situation -that maybe he'd work with you to find a mutually acceptable solution?

 

[roundpegmom]

Many women in my family have men that"work with their hands" and do nothing around their own house. We think maybe we should start a "husband swap" so everybody is getting the work they need done and the men don't have to lift a finger at home.

I would not leave your marriage over this, although I know how frustrated you are. With my own DH, I tend to not nag, just leave list and such. Then I try to do it myself making such a mess that he has to fix it, or sometimes I get it right and it is done.

Can you prioritize exactly what you need done? "Finish the kitchen" is a tall order, what do you need done first? Baby steps may be in order. Maybe he is so burnt out on it, he doesn't know where to start. If he really won't budge, is there somewhere you can stay for a little while explaining you NEED to be able to prepare a meal sans the drywall dust?

Or, get a few bids from contractors and ask DH which direction he wants to go, sell, subcontract out or do it himself.

Or, right a letter to "In A Fix", one of those home decor shows of frustrated wives like us. The team comes in, sends the wife to spa for the weekend and makes the DH get it all done while he wears a shirt saying "It's all my fault" :LOL

here is the web site to the show, it might make you realize your not alone if nothing else
http://tlc.discovery.com/fansites/inafix/inafix.html

 

[Potty Diva]

I'm wondering why doing some of the work herself seems not to be a valid option. After all doesn't the house belong to both of them, and selling a house cannot be done by ONE person. It has to be agreed upon. So, while getting a realtor would sound like a good idea I don't think that is realistic. I still say take it into your own hands and do-it-yourself. You might find it releases stress and makes you feel great when you get something accomplished

 

[eightyferrettoes]

Ditto on the hiring someone else, or doing what you can yourself. At this point, anything you do with be an improvement, right? So there's no worry that you'll mess it up-- it's been jacked up for nearly a decade anyways!

It has to be maddening to live in a mess like that, though. Men seem not to notice these things, in general, and without the pressure of an actual customer deadline, would live on plywood and joists forever.

I know a lot of guys up here who live like that, and the wives almost never stick around as long as you have! Houses wrapped in Tyvek since 1989? No problem! Accahaha!

 

[MamaWindmill]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ann-Marita My DH is a remodeling contractor! He does beautiful work for everyone else. But for our house, for me, he does half-a$$ed, "it'll do" work. And takes forever at it.

First of all, I'm sorry you're going through this.

I hate to be the voice of doom and gloom, but when I read your post, the first thing that comes to mind is that your husband is purposely leaving this work unfinished as a way to control you, or just as a passive form of punishing you for something. There's no legitimate reason why it's not done. If he's a contractor, than he's doing this on purpose. Either he's sadistically enjoying making you suffer, or he's exerting power over you by being able to lord this over you.

Quote:

A divorce from him would be very, very nasty. He's mean when he's angry. He would fight me tooth and nail over custody of DD, and he would be mean. Even if it hurt DD.

To me, this doesn't meet the test of a "good man." A good man is a good man all the time, not just when he's winning or in a good mood. He doesn't "get mean" - no one "gets" mean, they are mean under the surface and show it when they can use it to hurt or intimidate other people. He's not mean when he's angry, he's just mean. This is all just my opinion, of course, but these things really pop out at me. He's caring some of the time - so? You're supposed to be caring all of the time, not just when it suits your needs. I think this guy is manipulating you something fierce.

I think this issue is so not about the house. I think you've got some deeper issues to explore. Personally - and I'm being honest here - I would leave him. Not because of the house alone, but because of this: what does it say about him that he's totally willing to leave his wife and daughter in a place like that? Additionally, I would leave because of the "gets mean when angry" issue. I would rehouse the pets and get out of there - and I would be prepared to fight him (I would also document exactly what he does and says when he "gets mean"). I hope your situation improves.

 

[Ann-Marita]

Just a quick note to say that I appreciate all your responses. I can't post more right now. I'll say more when I can.

Thanks to all of you.

 

[HollyBearsMom]

First of all I am sorry that things are so stressful for you! I live in ahouse that needs constant TLC so I can relate the stress of just looking around and seeing so many things that need to be done!

But, I have to agree with Potty Diva on this one. I would try to start doing some things yourself. Yes your husband is the "professional" but it sounds like there are number of things you could do yourself- laying tile/flooring is fairly easy once you get the hang of it. A number of big box stores (Home Depot, Lowes) have evening and weekend classes you can attend to learn new skills- even advanced classes for instanlling hard woods floors, replacing cabinets and sinks etc. I think if your husband saw you taking an active and fun interest in fixing up the house he might even want to join you. If it is less like a "chore" it could actually be a great bonding activity.

I didn't catch the age of your DD but you mentioned that she was old enough understand the ramifications of divorce:

Quote:

She also understands how very stressful this situation is for me and has told me that if it came to divorce, she would choose to live with me.

Maybe she is also old enought so she could help with some of the less intense projects? It might slow things down but just think about the great experience and also the impact of seeing you taking charge. Even better if you and your husband work together it would be great to see your and yourhusband working together as a team!

Lastly:

Quote:

Does your Dh work full time? I know after I work all day cleaning up messes the last thing I want to do is clean up another mess. I imagine it is like this with other professions as well.

My brother is a gourmet chef and is now an executive chef in a large chain of restaurants. His wife's friends would always comment on how much fun it would be to have a husband who "really cooked" and how awesome the food must be me, etc etc. Well my brother would always comment "Hey I don't ask her type reports when she gets home so she doesn't ask me to cook" The last thing he wanted to do when he got home at night was cook. The only time he ever cooked at home was when it was fun or a special occasion.

 

[UUMom]

My situation is different, but thought I'd share. 12 years ago, we remodeled the kitchen in our old house. We wanted to sell it to move and it wouldn't sell with the old kitchen at a decent price, so we tore it up. My dh is a scientist, but is extremely handy. While's he's not a finishing carpenter, he has built and fixed many number of things, including our cars (in the past--will get to that in a minute as well) and does really good work.

Anyway- we ripped up the kitchen and started putting it back together with new cabinets, counter etc. He's no plumber, so we had to contract that out. Ditto on the electric- but everything- we tried to do. Everynight he'd drag himself home, which included an 90 minute commute and we worked on the kitchen. At that time we had an almost 5 yr old, a 16 mos old, and a newborn. I was pretty wiped at the end of a day and didn't have time to do much in the house during the day. This went on for a while.. I'd cry at the mess, trying to keep the little ones out. My dh was wiped out at the end of a day. We finally had to hire it out. Now, since he wasn't a contractor, he didn't have an ego issue. He just didn't have time.

We did as much as we could, got his BIL (a carpenter to do some--but he was busy) and finally, it was done. We had to pay some, but it was done and our marraige was intact.

He also used to spend hours fixing our cars himself. It was great, saved us tons of money, but at some point, one looks around and says, 'man where did the time go?". So the next cars we bought weren't so clunky and we would bring them to a trusted mechanic (we've lived here a while now, so we know) for fixing. We still change oil, but that's about it.

There comes a point when the science of time becomes clear- how much time is in a day, and how long one can stay on their feet doing more work after a day of work.

I figure, divorce will cost you, and so will getting an apartment. Maybe just take that mone (or credit card or bank loan), tell him you love and respect his work, but that , man! he's working enough and it's time to call in some help. Maybe he will love you for it. Maybe he thinks he has to do everything, and can't possibly, so picks a fight. Maybe it's time to change what is not working.

I know it was like a boulder off my dh and me when we contracted that work out. When we look back on that, we wonder how we ever thought we could manage doing all that at that time. 3 wee ones...job...commute...I mean...that was dumb. We didn't really have the money, but we also didn't really have the time.

ETA- the first time I read your post, i missed that he was mean and angry and he scares you. That's not about the house...the house is just a manifestation of that. If you don't feel safe, a nice kitchen isn't going to change that.

 

[meowee]

no real advice here... just commiseration. I haven't had a real kitchen for 6 years. DH took over it for an "office" but it soon turned into a tremendous pile of his stuff-- filing cabinets, piles of paper, stuff stuff stuff. I have about 1/5 of the room left-- the tiny counter and about four feet going out from it, the sink (my faucet also falls apart a lot). I have to string extension cords everywhere and haven't been able to access a food closet-- that has food in it-- for a year. My cabinets are old, metal, and rusted, and impossible to clean. Instead of cleaning, I am only able to make things slightly less filthy. No dishwasher, either.

I wish I could tell you what to do. Your husband has control issues. He is doing this to control and punish you. It shows he doesn't respect you in a fundamental way.

I saw on a talk show a similar problem-- a contractor had ruined his house and was putting his wife through the same thing. Dr. Phil said it was because the guy was a perfectionist, but I think it was a control/ punishment thing.